January 30 2008 10:21AM
When we finished watching the “effort” that the Oilers put in against the Sharks last night, two people sprung to mind: Bao Xishun and He Pingping. We're sure many of you know who these two people are, and thought of them immediately too while trying to stay warm in the –70 ride home. But for those of you who aren’t familiar, we'll tell you a story to warm your cold hearts. Pull up your chairs, lambs. Closer…closer…. closer… nope that’s too close.
You see Bao Xishun is a 7'9" yak herdsman from Inner Mongolia. In addition to being the world's tallest man, he's also a heck of a guy. He shuns the spotlight in favour of a hard-working and simple life, but in December 2006 he saved the life of two Chinese dolphins who had accidentally swallowed plastic bags at the zoo. Chinese veterinarians couldn’t get the bags out, so they called ol’ Uncle Bao. He reached down with his ginormous arms and pulled out the bags, saving the dolphins' lives.
He's the world's tallest man, people! He could spend his life staring down his nose at Shaq or challenging Zdeno Chara to a reaching contest, but instead chooses to solve mysteries and save dolphins.
Then there is He Pingping, who only measures 2'5", and was born less than 100kms from Bao Xishun in inner Mongolia. When he was born, he was smaller than the palm of a hand and apparently does nothing with himself other than look cute and pose for pictures. Unlike Bao, he actively seeks the spotlight, and dresses in natty tuxedos at press conferences. The 19-year-old is said to have a certain flair with the ladies, and is generally agreed to be more sizzle than steak.
Some of you might wonder what does this have to do with the Oilers playing the Sharks. The Oilers are He Pingping, people! How many times have we all thought that!? They are all aglow in the fact that someone wants to pay $200 million to buy their team, and everyone is paying attention to them. Now don’t get us wrong, if someone was offering us $200 mil for the Nation we'd start mailing it in, too. But people don’t like you because you are good, they like you because you exist! It isn’t that the 2007-2008 Oilers are worth $200 million; if they play like they did last night they are worth less than an MC Hammer appearance fee. Which we reckon is pretty low.
Marty Reasoner must lie awake at night dreaming of the day Katz buys the team and immediately offers him a 15,000% bonus. It don’t work like that, Marty. Katz didn’t get rich by writing cheques to the likes of you. Fact is, many of the people you see in the dressing room, in the coaches' room, and in the GM luxury suite will probably be fired in the next little bit. If we were you guys, we'd start thinking about how to save some freakin' dolphins and quick!
The Sharks on the other hand played the role of Bao Xishun to a tee last night. No, they didn’t serve in the Peoples Liberation Army, or appear on a Japanese TV show. Instead they showed up and flexed their enormous muscles, threw around their weight and generally walked all over little He Pingping *cough* edmontonoilers. There isn’t much else to say about the abomination we were all forced to witness. But maybe today, before the Oilers are put through another bag skate, CrackT could write on the chalkboard “Less He Pingping! More Bao Xishun!”
Poor little He Pingping.