October 24 2008 12:09PM
If we were able to call in sick today we would—but unfortunately you can’t call the internet. We know what you’re thinking: “What’s wrong Wanye? Do you have ornithophobia?” No, lambs. That’s a fear of birds, not an illness. We have something similar though: a hatred of birds. Particularly Penguins and their fans, but more on that later. The main thing making us queasy today was the sickening performance of the Oil last night.
Maybe it’s the unparalleled glory of starting 4–0. We doubt it. Maybe it’s all the fun that comes with living on the road. Perhaps. Or it could be the fact they (insert reason for back to back junk games here).
Take some action after the inevitable bag skate today MacT. For starters:
Move Cole to the other side. He looks more lost than Clay Aiken at the Playboy Mansion.
Let’s see how serious we are about this. Look at our draft changes made today:
G Garon: Gone. If MacT only wants to play him 50–60 games per year, we’re going to have to ride a different horse until Coach comes to his senses. Garon needs to play 70+ if the Oilers are going to play to their potential.
D Gilbert: Gone. Perhaps he’s being slowed down by his enormous paycheques that are weighing down his wallet or perhaps his long flowing hair is impeding his vision on the ice. Either way Gilbert is off to a Steve Austin start—he’s stone cold.
For those of you in the Nation who are new to the site you may be wondering if we’re a bandwagon jumper or some impartial writing type. No to both, lambs. First, we’re barely literate, let alone a writer. Secondly, we are squarely behind Les Oil, but we calls ‘em as we sees ‘em. And what we are seeing right now is causing us to ingest Rolaids like candy.
Our good friends and future cellmates over at jeanshortsandbaggedmilk told us about someone chirping Oilers fans and the Nation over at some site called thepensblog. We checked our traffic analytics and sure enough there were a few hundred lonely souls coming over from Pittsburgh area and reading about bloggergate. Then we heard they chirped Brownlee and Gregor too, a big no-no in our books. We live in constant fear of Brownlee and Gregor; why should foreigners be any different?
So being the good citizens of the Nation that they are, jeansandmilk did what any good Oilers fan does when confronted with opposing fans. They chirped them into the ground on their kick-ass blog and emailed the article to thepensblog for good measure.
What do thepensblog nerds do? They give them the lamest diss ever and then pull this stunt.
Close your blog to invited readers only? Chirp the Mighty OilersNation, call Edmontonians hicks and then go and hide? Make fun of Robin Brownlee and Jason Gregor and then close the shop so we can’t even read it to know what makes us so mad? Was it any good? Was it funny? Is it anything we can use ourselves? Now we’ll never know. This makes about as much sense as those new Mats Sundin poker ads on TV.
See, this is what happens when we are divided and conquered, lambs. The real enemy goes unnoticed. While we were so busy fighting amongst ourselves our real enemies were lining up against us and taking pot shots from afar.
We may have to load up the OilersNation War Wagon™, take Towel Boy, baggedmilk and a 500-pack of Pilsner and go down to Pittsburgh and kick the crap out of these people. We were going to have great fun reminding Pens fans to mind their Ps and Qs until they closed their blog to readers. Things are tough enough down there in Pittsburgh without starting fights you won’t be able to finish. After all, the team has been bankrupt twice in its stellar 30-year history and it’s been ten years since the last time the team went tits up. You never know when another rich Canadian is going to come down there and try to take your team away from you. Then what will you have to blog about? Which of your cousins will eventually marry and procreate? We don’t think so.
You also never know when three hammered Oilers fans are going to show up at your Momma’s house and put a foot in your ass. The OilersNation will circle the wagons when required and we bet even the unholy trinity of Gregor, Brownlee and your ol’ pal Wanye can agree on that.
And we don’t agree on anything. Oh the fun we would have had. And now nothing. Dammit.
Is it Friday yet? It is?
(cracks open a beer)
Good. Where’s that map to Pittsburgh?