Five-Star General needed ASAP

Wanye
October 27 2008 10:12AM

On your left, Nation: Rapper Jon C aka “Da General.” On your right: General Henry “Hap” Arnold. Both lay claim to the title “general,” and both have funky nicknames bestowed upon them by fellow “soldiaz.”

Now you may be asking yourself, “Wanye, what did you ingest over the weekend that makes you compare Canadian Rap Superstar Jon C to some lowly American Five-Star General?”

Trust me.

The Oilers are currently suffering from what doctors call “Lack-of-leaderitis.” This is a particularly troubling condition for this team to contract given its relative youth and its large number of impressionable minds. Leadership is always important and as both Hap and Jon C will tell you a General is key to keep your squad in line.

“Props” to the Oil for coming back from a 3–1 deficit in the second period against the Canucks. But when the heartbreaking goal went in to give the Canucks a 4–3 lead and then the 5-3 and 6-3 leads were established, who was there to put the team on his back and lead the squadron to victory? Vancouver’s captain is in goal for heavens sakes, yet he seemed to have a better chance at scoring the comeback goal than the leaders of the Oil.

Whose team is this anyway? Who the hell is in charge?

Look at Jon C there. Repping Heat Bag Records out of Winnipeg. Like the Oilers, Heat Bag Records have also had adversity which they have had to overcome, as their cutting edge website will tell you.

*ahem*

“AFTER PUSHING THRU MORE STRUGGLE THEN A ONE LEGGED MAN, COP HARASSMENT, PLAYA HATERZ AND THEIR EVER POPULAR STRUGGLE WIT DA LAW HEATBAG STILL REMAINS A FLOURISHING COMPANY.”

See? Look at that resiliency! Look at that fire! Look at that inappropriate use of capital letters! Look at that ability to handle pressure and strife! “Struggle wit da law”? Heavens, that sounds unpleasant. One has to assume that Jon C—“da General”—had plenty to do with that consistent high level of output. Impressive.

Now take Henry “Hap” Arnold. Doesn’t look like much, does he? Kind of a nice old guy with a kindly face. Similar uniform to Jon C, but the two took slightly different paths to attain the rank of General. Whereas Jon C presumably rented his uniform at some Winnipeg Costume Depot, Hap Arnold was the only officer to ever hold a five-star grade in two different US military services and undoubtedly earned his stripes.

Personally taught to fly by the Wright Brothers—no joke—Hap was one of the first people to fly a military aircraft for American Forces. General Arnold led the expansion of the Air Force in WWI and later was the Commanding General of the US Army Air Forces for the entirety of WWII. This meant that he was in charge of developing a strategy to defeat the Air Forces of Germany, Italy and Japan. An essentially impossible task for 99.99999 per cent of his team, but one he was able to put together successfully.

Hap Arnold is an actual General who leads his troops to victory. Jon C rents a General’s uniform and looks uneasy on an album cover that has been bought by literally dozens of fans. One talks about being hard as nails, one actually IS hard as nails. One looks threatening but is basically harmless, one looks harmless but is a million times more gangster than the whole Heat Bag Records team combined.

The point here, Nation—and there is one—is that leadership is best displayed through action not tough talk. We have now sat through three absolutely shitanusly® terrible games in a row and heard all the tough talk from the Oilers. We see the gigantic paycheques being handed out in the payroll office. We see the “product” on the ice and the absolute lack of fire the last few of games. It’s never too early in the season to have the troops lose faith. It’s also never too early for someone to decide that this season there won’t be the annual last minute dash to the playoffs and that the first 30 games are important too. Snatching that game against the Canucks away from the jaws of defeat might be impossible for most of the Oilers to do single-handedly. But not for their leader. Not for their Hap Arnold.

It’s time for someone to step up and decide that they are going to lead this team to victory. It’s time for someone to walk the walk and put the team on their back.

It’s time for a Five-Star General to emerge.

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Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 baggedmilk
October 27 2008, 10:34AM
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Again dude you slayed me. Hilarious! The only Canadian rapper that's better is Ricky J and he can do it for a minute, girl. No means no.

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#2 I Am The Law
October 27 2008, 10:57AM
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But who do you recommend? The only reasonable candidate I see is Horc. Maybe Cogs at the moment, but that's a bit of a stretch...

We don't seem to have any real leaders in the system yet, but we can't simply trade for someone who doesn't fit with the Oilers ethos (see, Pitkanen, Joni).

I guess what I'm saying is do you grow gangsta, or can you simply trade for a gangsta? And if you can't trade for it, what do we do in the meantime?

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#3 Brian Fellows
October 27 2008, 11:00AM
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Personally I think this team is Horcoffs team and he will emerge as the leader.

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#4 Jack Sprat
October 27 2008, 11:19AM
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I think that a guy like Cole who is just starting to fit in to the room will emerge as a leader.

What about GREBS Wanye? I don't know how you can hate that guy. You are a weirdo.

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#5 Fiveandagame
October 27 2008, 11:31AM
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Shitianiously.....do I have to pay you the 25¢ per usage if I spell it like that?

Horcoff has been holding his shaft tighter than a 13yr old boy watching Showcase on a friday night.

As Gagner goes the team will go. When his confidence returns as will the Oilers fortunes.

Does anyone else feel as if Stortini's days are numbered? I can't help but feel that his ability is not great enough to justify him taking up that roster space, now that we have SmackIntyre. I could see him being moved along with a D, if nothing else, to provide room for a kid from Springfield with more of an offensive upside.

I hate having both Stortini AND MacIntyre on the same line. Brodziak ends up being wasted.

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#6 baggedmilk
October 27 2008, 11:37AM
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Stortini brings the love and a tender hug that only a mother could give. When other players are feeling down Stortini wraps his arms around them and all worries melt away. Everyone needs a little love sometimes, and Stortini is the guy that brings it.

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#7 Fiveandagame
October 27 2008, 11:44AM
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I like Stortini. Don't get me wrong, but you have to do more than dump the puck in the offensive zone, hit somebody, and then skate all the way back to your end of the ice because you couldn't maintain puck possession. Him on a line with MacIntyre is a useless line unless there are 30 seconds left in the Game and we are playing any of the following teams.

Calgary

Vancouver

Anahiem

Dallas (left over grudges from the 90's playoff battles)

and Minnesota.

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#8 jeanshorts
October 27 2008, 11:46AM
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I think the Oilers should take a page out of Gillis' book. MacT for captain!

It makes perfect sense. He's always in the locker room or on the bench. He'll never miss a game due to injury. He argues with anyone wearing stripes. It can't not work!

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#9 I Am The Law
October 27 2008, 11:49AM
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Should we sew the "C" onto his suit with the remains of Harvey the Hound's tongue?

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#10 1011011
October 27 2008, 11:56AM
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Personally I think Moreau has had a good start to the year overall. He may not score 100 goals but he is an able leader.

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#11 Antony Ta
October 27 2008, 12:14PM
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On topic: I think we have a lot of those leadership elements there, it's just simple mistakes and bad luck that are killing us out there. Turnovers at the opposition blue line, Cole getting kicked out, not converting on the PP, a range of reasons included.

I would propose to split up Visnovsky and Souray on the PP and perhaps split up MacIntyre and Stortini until Pisani comes back to make them both more effective.

Also, I think it would be wise to move Roloson asap so we can acquire one more leadership type guy, as you suggested. Perhaps this guy can be part of the deal, who knows. But lots of guys are still available on the UFA market.

Off topic: If the lineup stays the way it is, where does Pisani/Pouliot play when Pisani comes back?

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#12 Fiveandagame
October 27 2008, 12:54PM
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OFF OFF TOPIC:

You know what? I was thinking of who could the Oilers add towards the deadline to help us make that final push and into the playoffs.

What we'd want?

Leadership

Reliability

Faceoff prowess

HANDS

And an ability to play in all situations.

Who is a guy that would could get that fits all of those AND likes Edmonton?

Doug Weight.

Speaking purely from a FAN perspective that would be AWESOME!

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#13 freeze
October 27 2008, 01:19PM
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You cats should set up an IRC live chat room for the games.

I hope the goalie issue gets resolved before the 1/4 mark of the season. It would be nice to sit Huggy bear or the Mac Truck to sub in brule, robbie or potulny. The need for decent goal tending is starting to show for some teams, eventually they will get the right offer (esp. as Roli's salary becomes less of a cap hit).

Prediction: Oilers win 4-3(SO), two or three fights and a ton of penalties.

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#14 baggedmilk
October 27 2008, 01:49PM
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I rekindled my love for Doug Weight when he absolutely destroyed Sutter on Saturday night. #93 is a freight train.

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#15 Fiveandagame
October 27 2008, 01:59PM
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"I rekindled my love for Doug Weight when he absolutely destroyed Sutter on Saturday night. #93 is a freight train."

AND he scored a beauty that night!

Man I love that guy.

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#16 Wanye Gretz
October 27 2008, 02:09PM
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Doug Weight is the man. I loved the days of him and Billy G dancing about. If Weight does return I still have my old #39 Weight Oilers Hat that will make a triumphant return to my skull!

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#17 Fiveandagame
October 27 2008, 02:31PM
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I can see it now. Weight centering our third line. 2nd unit PP. Scoring Clutch goals to the Roar of the devoted at Rexall.......

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#18 jeanshorts
October 27 2008, 03:16PM
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All this talk about Doug Weight has given me a boner. Excuse me while I (edited by Wanye who was laughing but can't share the joy)

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#19 baggedmilk
October 27 2008, 03:59PM
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For anyone interested thepensblog responded to my taunts and I wrote another/the last piece that shows just how lame they are once again.

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#20 Wanye Gretz
October 27 2008, 05:45PM
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I care greatly about this baggedmilk. I am interested to see what they were able to write after they tore themselves away from World of Warcraft for a few minutes

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#21 baggedmilk
October 27 2008, 05:48PM
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Well sir Wanye they're clutching at straws. The e-mails they've been sending us all day have been really funny. All they can call us are homos with a shitty blog, but had nothing to say when they found out we have support from the Nation.

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#22 Wanye Gretz
October 27 2008, 07:13PM
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That is probably the most confusing/retarded comeback I have ever seen. Warring with thepensblog has been about as amusing as watch HGTV.

I declare jeanshortsandbaggedmilk the victors!

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#23 JON-C DA GENERAL
December 13 2008, 06:56PM
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Mr.Wanye Gretz this is Jon-C aka Da General Heatbag Records, threes a few things i have to correct you on... I PRETEND TO BE NOONE. LIKE GENRAL HAP I LOST SOLDIERS, I LOST BATTLES AND IV SEEN WAR. I’m not a general of my country I’m a general of my team (NSHB) I come from places you read about. I did and seen alot things to survive. I might have not gone to another country to fight in a war. But IV had bullets fly by my head (aimed for my head) IV been in life threatening situations more then any person wants to be in. IM NOT A GANGSTER IM A HUSTLER I make money and protect it at all cost. I back down from no one including a blogger who has no idea about things out of his little bubble. I’m proud of whom I am and I hold nothing back. Who I am Wayne? I’m a poor kid from Winnipeg’s troubled northend Where poverty restricts life I have no grade 12 education, Im currently faces drug charges in manitoba court system looking at a lengthy sentence, I been in the streets since i was 12 years old do what i gotta do to make it thro the day not hungry with clean clothes on my back. making money from legal to illlegal and so far its gotten me alot farther then most people even perhaps you Wayne. with a $10,000 dollar Mr. freeze watch with 7.25c of diamonds all the way around the band and a $4,000 gold chain with a $1000 pendant, a pair of $4000 earrings 1 carrot each ear, another pair of $3000 earrings white yellow and blue diamonds. I have more then $25,000 worth of jewellery which is (a back up plan) if I ever need it, I also co -own Heatbag records a thriving record label here in Winnipeg with three official cd released and completely sold out. and three solo cd releases coming in early 2009 like my cd "JON-C DA GENERAL BLOOD SWEAT & TEARS" which you have my cover posted up here on your blog, I also engineer mix and master all our music, I designed our logo I do all our graphics, I plot and plan all our moves, I book shows, I edit and make our promo vids and street music vids... well just say I do alot. I’m self taught I never went to school for Photoshop, protools, video editing management courses nothing. I simply did what I did all my life I adapted to my environment. I strategized my way out of the ruff life and I saved 8 other people at the same time. I am willing to lay my life down for my team in a seconds notice and have done so. I leave no one behind if you knew who I really was you'd see that. Also you probly wouldn’t have even dragged me in to your blog. Haha none the less your obviously from Edmonton and don’t really know what or who Heatbag is so that’s fine. Bottom line is I compare myself to no other general. You did that... i am a street general from a troubled time. I command my troop’s everyday of my life not only in times of war. I walk with my soldiers in the path we've chosen. in your blog you claim im portraying a general but yet your name is wanye gretz ... hahaha so who really real this aint hate mail im just giving you a better vision of me and heatbag records cause your vision seems to be blurry... i seen the blog and responded so sorry if i dont make sence or spelling errors ...

also thank you for reffering to me as a "canadian rap super star" I like that title... its my great achivment

you can reach me at jonc.heatbag.records@gmail.com if you got any questions....

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