November 10 2008 07:49AM
Twenty-one and a half hours, and 2,200 kilometres. It feels as though we’ve traveled to the Sun and back and yet we are hours from our destination.
DBPU is of the belief that once we cross the state line from Arizona into Nevada all we will see are ads for the bordellos and whore houses. This excites our team tremendously as we look forward to calling the numbers provided to enquire about specials.
We stop at a gas station that has slot machines and advertises "free soda for players." Finally an establishment that recognizes our constant need for petroleum distillate and gambling at the same time. The fact it sells beer? Just a god-sent bonus. Is it because no one has slept in over 28 hours that makes this deal so enticing?
Whatever the reasoning is, we win $30 which is quickly converted to Coors Beers. The sole loser is designated the DD and the second leg of the voyage is on. Best believe your ol' pal Wanye is now on the sauce for the next ten days.
One hour later
We accuse the DD-DBPU (the Dutch Bastard from Parts Unknown who is now acting as DD) of being a lightweight unable to hold his booze. "The last time I barfed was in Grade two and it’s only cause I ate too many grapes," he famously quips.
Five hours later
Know what's crappier than Vegas? Mesquite, Nevada. Know what WISHES it was Mesquite in its secret crappy-town dreams? Primm, Nevada. So why are we here? Because Primm is so sketchy it will accept a giant dog as a guest in its hotel room. As we load the giant bastard into our room we spy a sign for a casino advertising a hot dog AND a beer for a dollar. Hmmm maybe just one.
Primm, Nevada should advertise itself as the most depressing place on Earth. First there was the Vietnam war veteran who sat at our table and regaled us with his complete and utter insanity. Second, the dollar beer and hot dog was so crappy it was actually not worth a dollar. Fortunately, the OilersNinja dropped a twenty in a slot machine at about 3:30am and won $770. Things went downhill quickly.
After a blurry night and a Carl’s Jr morning we now race to Anaheim to see the Ducks game for which we will be undoubtedly late.
We’re coming for you Pronger. And we gots that Primm money to spend.
Quack quack, you dink.