February 14 2008 09:21AM
One day after being linked to a mega-star Mark Messier, Gary Coleman has shocked the world by “marrying” a “lady” 22 years his junior, named Shannon Price. Believe it or not, this is the first marriage for the diminutive “actor,” who heretofore had been considered completely asexual, like a banana.
Coleman could not be reached for comment, so in his absence the OilersNation has calculated the most probable statement he would have made on the OilersNation Celebrity Interview Simulator™. Remember, this isn’t what Gary Coleman actually told anyone, just what he would have said were he not on his honeymoon at a Best Western in Tijuana.
OilersNation: So Gary, why are you getting married? Are you finally calling your one-sided stalk-love with Mark Messier quits? Gary Coleman: When I saw what you had written about me, about us, I knew it was time to dispel rumours and tie the knot. OilersNation: It's rumoured that you've only known your wife Shannon for five months, and that this is a lame attempt at launching your own reality show. Is this correct? Gary Coleman: No comment. OilersNation: Will you be dissolving the detective agency you and Messier formed in the 1980s as a result of your marriage? Gary Coleman: What you talkin’ 'bout, Nation?
So there you have it. Gary Coleman is involved in a celebrity hot-couples story for the first time in his life, and he ruins it by going and getting married. Don’t let this sway your voting Nation; plenty of couples that haven’t been able to make it are on the list.
In other news, the Oilers play the Sharks tonight. Whether or not Gary Coleman will be at the game is unclear, but an imminent victory is very clear. Mathieu Roy has been called up for the game, but how his tendency to receive facial injuries may impact the outcome of the game remains to be seen.