I just want to feel pretty

Amber McCormick
February 27 2008 06:52PM

stortinimakeover.jpg

So much has been said and pondered regarding the trade deadline (and what a lacklustre event that was). I really don’t think we'll be saved with a new, shiny player. We have all the equipment; we just need to read the manual.

I can think of one thing that would benefit the team more than some adolescent, my-balls-just-dropped-yesterday hockey prodigy: it’s the same thing that always makes me feel better after a bad week or a nasty breakup... a makeover!

I know what you’re saying “Are you for real?” Yes. Yes I am.

Hear me out: maybe, just maybe, Stortini is lashing out and spending countless minutes in the penalty box due to his own insecurities. Maybe he just needs to take a yoga class or get a new pair of shoes—never underestimate the power of new shoes. Oh, and a haircut, definitely a haircut to balance out that neck of his. Boys like to feel pretty, too.

Matthew Roy... Oh boy, this could take a while. We need to go head-to-toe on you, mister. We need to take you in the direction of Vincent D’Onofrio in Law and Order, NOT Full Metal Jacket ("This is my stick. There are many like it, but this one is MINE") Maybe a few sessions in a tanning bed could help as well. Pasty, pasty, not so tasty.

Mathieu Garon and Dustin Penner... Oh, who am I kidding? Penner with his dreamy, purdy eyes and that squinty smile. Delightful! Garon, with the smooth baldness of a young Michael Chiklis... you know you’re fine the way you are. Call me later?

My point is these guys aren’t playing hockey 24/7. They need lives, too. And with a little magic, a shopping spree and a good moisturizer they would be happier in everyday life and more beneficial to us on the ice.

I’m just sayin’.

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Amber lives in Edmonton. Everyday she tries to do her part in preserving nature. Tomorrow she's pickling squirrels. Amber doesn't sweat the petty thing and she doesn't pet the sweaty things.
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#1 1011011
February 27 2008, 07:45PM
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Mathieu Garon does look a little bit like the Commish. Good call Amber.

I hear Andrew Cogliano spends more time in the clubs than Mark Wahlberg, but gets ladies like he is Donnie Wahlberg

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#2 TonyRomo
February 27 2008, 07:49PM
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If ugliness was a crime Matthew Roy would get the electric chair.

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#3 tracey
February 27 2008, 10:45PM
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cogs is so hot

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#4 Amber McCormick
February 27 2008, 11:23PM
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Really? I think Cogs looks like Astro-Boy.

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#5 tracey
February 29 2008, 12:09PM
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he is hot and so is gags

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