May 21 2008 09:14AM
The Finals have been set. Now we can sit back to enjoy a week of the talking heads jawing over who will win, and more importantly, who predicted the series correctly so far this year.
You see, if you’re on TV, radio or newspaper, correctly predicting who will win a series is the ultimate badge of honour. Even if you didn’t predict who will win, the key is to make as many statements as possible, so that you can bring back old footage suggesting you knew something the rest of us didn’t. Looking to the week ahead, you can count on the following things happening:
- Bob MacKenzie will talk as though it was a foregone conclusion these two would meet in the Final. He may go so far as to show footage from November where he predicted the Pens would win a Saturday night matchup, and will somehow interpret this as being a sign he endorsed the Pens on their Cup run. Then he’ll enjoy most of the media buffet before Game One.
- Darren Dreger and Nick Kypreos will debate who will win the Finals. Kypreos will stand with his feet squarely set apart, ever present Blackberry in hand, and will intimidate Dreger until he either: agrees with whatever prediction Kypreos makes, or cuts to a commercial.
- PJ Stock will try and say something clever about how he drew on his NHL experience as a player and believed this outcome would happen sometime during the second period in Game Two of the Wings-Stars series. Ron Maclean will look on with comic disbelief, while secretly wishing CBC would let him sit while delivering the pre-game pieces instead of having to stand. Kelly Hrudey will play with a balloon he found off camera.
- Don Cherry will become angered with the fact that Ron Maclean really did predict the Finals match up, and will suggest to Maclean on air that “good ol’ Canadian boys don’t get a fair shake because of no-touch icing.” Maclean will retort that Coach’s Corner is “running very short on time.”
- The Edmonton Journal will run through the predictions of each and every sports writer to date, and some of the business writers as well. They will include their predictions at the bottom of the article for each writer in bold text to denote their seriousity.
- The Edmonton Sun will jam its predictions in a tiny article wedged between a used car advertisement and an ad for a company that will loan you money, even if your “Grandmama won’t.”
Now for the record let’s look back at someone who made only one prediction shall we?
May 6 & 7, 2008
Wanye Gretz predicts:
- Wings in 6
- Penguins over the Flyers in seven—you can count on it so bet the farm. If you don’t have a farm, sign over the farm of someone you know and rest easy knowing it’s a lock.
Sweet. But while the media is talking about who knew what, when and how, all we’re thinking about over here at the Nation is one thing:
Our gigantic bet we placed on the Pens to win the Cup.
We’re going to dig deep, find out the real deal between these two teams and go the distance—despite the handicap of having no real inside knowledge or more than a passing understanding of either team.
It all means nothing to us really, lambs—both as fans and as indebted gamblers. We know we want the Pens to win, we need the Pens to win and dammit the Pens will win!
So this week we are going to do an in-depth analysis of the two cities, the two teams, and some factors that may come into play. We may even compare the WWF wrestlers born in each city and figure out who would win in a fight.
And in the end, we will show you why you should bet on the Pens in the finals. ‘Cause if you followed our advice, you would now have an extra farm betting YOUR farm in the Conference Finals. Ipso facto: You are up a farm and should really double down in the finals.