Wanye Gretz’s Stanley Cup Analysis: Comparing Hometown Actors

Wanye
May 23 2008 09:19AM

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They say that you can judge an NHL team by the actors born in that city. That’s why the Oilers won so many cups when Michael J. Fox was hot. Let’s look at our Finalists this year shall we?  

Detroit: Dave Coulier

David Lee Coulier was born in Detroit September 21, 1959. His realistic portrayal of a baby during those first few months is arguably his best performance as an actor, and his career immediately began to slide into the vortex that is Full House, America’s Funniest People and eventually the Surreal Life.

In addition to being a Red Wings fan, he did the hockey world a disservice by introducing fellow Full House star Candace Cameron to Valeri Bure after an NHL game, and they later married in 1996. Bure’s career was never the same, and the Dave Coulier Curse later spread to Valeri’s brother Pavel who was forced to retire from the NY Rangers because “he couldn’t stand his brother in law.”

In 2006, Coulier appeared on the reality show Skating with Celebrities on FOX, where he was paired with Olympic medalist Nancy Kerrigan. This marked the end of his career, though he continues to employ an agent for reasons unknown.

Pittsburgh: Charles Bronson

Charles Bronson is not only one of the original action stars in film, but he is also one of the toughest men to call Earth home in the last 10,000 years.

Bronson's father died when he was only ten, and he went to work in the coal mines like his older brothers until he was drafted for World War II. He earned $1 per ton of coal mined. His family was so poor that, at one time, he reportedly had to wear his sister's dress to school because he had nothing else to wear. No one made fun of him for it. By the way, this is completely true. Bronson later went on to star in Death Wish V: The Face of Death, possibly the greatest film in the history of modern cinema.

Bronson’s connections to the Penguins are shaky at best, but we're sure that at some point he must have heard of them. It probably went like this:

Random guy: Hey Charles, want to go see a Penguins game? Bronson: I can’t, I’m scared of Steve Staios.

Analysis

You wouldn’t catch Charles Bronson dead in a show called Skating with Celebrities. You wouldn’t catch Charles Bronson dead introducing Valeri Bure to Candace Cameron. Bronson would karate chop Bure in half and rub his tears on Pavel’s knee, immediately curing its ails and allowing him to return to the NHL. Bronson has been dead for five years, and he could still beat Coulier to within an inch of his life. As a result, the Penguins shall rain blows upon Detroit in the Finals as well.

Advantage: Death Wish V or Muppet Babies the Movie? You decide.

Penguins win again.

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Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 Chaz
May 23 2008, 09:45AM
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I agree whole-heartedly with your analysis, but it does beg the question: Who is Chuck Norris cheering for?

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#2 Ed
May 23 2008, 09:46AM
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good god, the penguins ARE going to win

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#3 1011011
May 23 2008, 10:58AM
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Steve Staios would scare Charles Bronson

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#4 risto
May 23 2008, 11:14AM
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Charles Bronson rules, the baddest architect ever!

Chuck the Texas Ranger is heartbroken his Stars lost. He will suggest next year the team grow Norris beards instead of playoff beards.

Norris beards have tiny fists and roundhouse kicks hiding behind the hair.

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#5 Hoos
May 23 2008, 01:48PM
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Sorry, I'm giving the "rage causing" catergory and therefore the win the Dave Coulier. For the simple reason that his former relationship with Alanis Morisette caused her so much rage that she made "Jagged Little Pill", launched her career and began a new movement in music culminating with the abomination that was "Bitch" by Merideth Brooks. She was never the same after overcoming that rage, and, ultimately neither was Coulier. Bronson on the other hand causes no rage in others, except for maybe the producers of Death Wish 4 - who likely lost a ton of money on that venture.

Advanatage Coulier ... and therefore Detroit wins the Stanley.

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#6 Wanye Gretz
May 23 2008, 01:49PM
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Chuck Norris doesn't cheer for the NHL, the NHL cheers for Chuck Norris

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#7 RobinB
May 23 2008, 02:25PM
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The best celeb from Detroit you can come up with is a spank-off like Coulier? Talk about stacking the deck to get the result you want. That's shabby journalism.

I know you were still soiling your diapers when Bronson was in his prime, but give him some credit and some real competition.

Why not Jack Kevorkian? Dr. Death, even dead, is more threatening than Coulier. Even Motor City Mama Pam Dawber, the understated hot chick from Mork and Mindy, would give Bronson more of a run than Candy Ass Coulier.

While I'm at it, it's BS Bronson never got an Academy Award for Death Wish. What, some panty waste like Sir Laurence Olivier win it that year?

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#8 Chaz
May 23 2008, 02:35PM
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...and remember, Chuck Norris, unlike Mark Messier, CAN eat just one Frito-lay.

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#9 Wanye Gretz
May 23 2008, 02:44PM
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Jack Kevorkian was born in Detroit? They don't put that onto the welcome sign when you are driving into Rock City I bet.

We thought Coulier deserved a mention because of that bizarre hockey card picture of him with an Olsen Twin in Red Wings jerseys. What a decade the 90s was!

PS If anyone isn't part of the 0.04% of the population old enough to know who Pam Dauber is, we looked her up:

http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/73/039_38498~Mork-Mindy-Posters.jpg

She is hot actually. We think she is the girl on the right in the pic and not the girl on the left with the hairy chest.

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#10 Hockey Addict 101
May 24 2008, 09:31AM
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Perhaps it is summer but is there more than 2 writers on this site?

It would be more interesting if there were a few more perspectives.

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