From victory comes extreme controversy

Wanye
May 29 2008 09:27AM

theshave2.jpg 

Yeah yeah, Pens win 3–2. Crosby scores two, is declared Mayor of Pittsburgh. We get it.

But here’s the thing that no one is going to want to talk about today, lambs. That wasn’t Sidney Crosby who scored two goals last night. We don’t know who it was, but according to the Pens website yesterday, Sidney Crosby was holding court in a clearly clean shaven manner. We even wrote about it, and it was agreed all around in the Nation that he is incapable of growing a decent beard.

So who was this bearded wonder scoring last night? The rat was back, and in full effect. We can’t help but think it is one of the following scenarios:

  1. Sidney Crosby has been replaced with an alien—or possibly robot—clone. The Aliens—or possibly robot technicians from the future—didn’t take the grooming changes Crosby made into account for their prototype.
  2. Mario Lemieux went back in time and kidnapped the Sidney Crosby of three weeks ago. You remember him—scoring, smiling, gross beard-wearing. Seeing that May 27 Crosby had significantly diminished skills, Lemieux went back to a time where Sid was still filled with confidence and poise and stole his golden boy.
  3. Losing the first two games in the SCF has caused Sidney Crosby to age so much, he is now capable of growing that rat beard in less than 24 hours. The series is really taking its toll on the star, who now has the body of a 40-year-old man.
  4. Drinking extremely large amounts of Gatorade has caused significant cellular damage to Sid the Kid, and coupled with an ability to see through time, he is also able to grow facial hair in an extremely patchy distribution, in a short amount of time.

Whatever the case, things are getting dangerous. Sidney Crosby clones, alien technicians, time travel? We can’t WAIT for Game Four to get underway! Who knows who will show up?

We know one thing: if we lived in Pittsburgh, we’d be demanding a bone marrow sample from Crosby, and we would be sending it down to the boys in the lab to certify it’s really him.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
Avatar
#1 1011011
May 29 2008, 09:48AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
0
cheers

When I saw that last night, I actually thought about how wrong you were Wanye. But I knew it! I knew there was a reason hahaha

Avatar
#2 Rick
May 29 2008, 10:08AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
0
cheers

In reality Crosby was tied up in Mario's basement so Michel Terrien could bring in his secret weapon.

That was Haley Wickenheiser wearing Crosby's jersey last night...I recognize the beard from the Womens Gold Medal game during the last Olympics.

Avatar
#3 Wanye Gretz
May 29 2008, 10:10AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
0
cheers

Rick - you brought Haley Wickenheiser's beard into the mix. You are our kind of guy.

Avatar
#4 Chaz
May 29 2008, 10:23AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
0
cheers

Was it just me, or didn't Sid still have the teeny-bopper beard last night (Wed)? Was the May 27th pic photo-shopped? I smell controversy! Or perhaps you just can't see the growth in certain light...

Avatar
#5 Chaz
May 29 2008, 10:24AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
0
cheers

...oops. Thought this was the old article. Sorry. I better start paying attention...

Avatar
#6 Matt
May 29 2008, 01:57PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
0
cheers

You guys forgot one possibility: hair transplant. Unfortunately for Sid it seems that unlike a skin transplant where you can take the skin from a region that is normally left unseen to the prying eyes of the public, taking a hair transplant from the same region does not produce a desirable outcome (see Shawn Horcoff circa june 2006).

Avatar
#7 Rick
May 29 2008, 02:43PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
0
cheers

Matt: You could be right, there have been many times I have achieved a similar look by not wearing shoes or socks. Stupid hairy big toe knuckle...

Yeah, that's gross...

Avatar
#8 Ed
May 29 2008, 03:16PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
0
cheers

It could also be that he is paying a squirrel to perch on his chin... I wonder how much a service like that goes for? Lots probably

Comments are closed for this article.