July 22 2008 10:27AM
Sometimes something that seems like a good idea at first turns out to be a complete disaster. Don’t you agree, designers of the Spider-Man Camel?
It’s becoming increasingly clear to us that most GMs don’t have access to a calendar, and as a result don’t know what year it is during this off-season. They’re signing has-beens, also-rans, and never-weres at an alarming pace on the basis that it seems like a good idea at the time. As a public service we thought we would try and explain that things that seem like a good idea at the time can come back and haunt you.
Peep 50 Cent here at the Mayweather Fight. All them belts, all that swagger, this is what a winner looks like. In 2007.
Now check MC Hammer at the Holyfield fight in oh, 1954. Different fresh clothes, same swagger, but this ain’t cool! It’s not gangsta! What were you thinking, Holyfield? What once must have seemed like a good idea has now come back to haunt Holyfield, ‘cause Hammer ain’t the man he used to be. Once 2 legit 2 quit, he’s no longer legit. And he actually hasn’t realized that he should quit yet. But this is what a winner looks like. In 1954.
Speaking of not being 2 legit 2 quit, check these old dried up mummy husks of players being signed. Once legit, now should quit.
MIN – Owan Nolan: signed by Minnesota to a two-year $5.5 million contract. To do what, exactly? Besides being a candidate for the Just for Men Beard Edition, we can’t think of what possible upside he could bring to the Wild. Scoring 16 goals last year is respectable, remembering that he was getting to play with some “talent” in Calgary. But Nolan is so old he was born in Belfast, Northern Ireland—a city that famously changed its name to Dublin in 1937. This caused the Orange Revolution that is celebrated annually. A man that old should be signed to a game-to-game contract, with a provision that if he keels over whilst on the ice, the widow gets nothing but a corsage and a baked ham.
CAL – Todd Bertuzzi: Just when you think the Flames may have escaped the clutches of washed up NHLers going to Calgary to die, they sign Bertuzzi. Give your fans a break, Sutter! Now fair enough, it’s only a one-year deal, but why are the Flames trying to be a home for the semi-retired in the NHL? Big Bert ain’t done squat since... well you know: skate, skate, smash, break.
CBJ – Steve Kelly: Signs a one-year deal with Columbus. Drafted in 1995. A big deal then, but is about as important now as a rooftop patio on an airplane. Does your ECHL team need a new practice pylon? Couldn’t you put a giraffe in two pairs of skates and get a better performance, Scott? Somewhere Jason Bonsignore waits by the phone for his agent to call, and that quite frankly breaks our heart.
NJ – Bobby Holik: An arbitrator recently ruled that Bobby Holik was owed some additional money by the Rangers, who famously signed him to a five-year, $45 million contract back in 2002. So during the 2007–08 season, the Rangers paid him $3.5 million to do nothing, and that made him the 5th highest paid player on the team. The Atlanta Thrashers were also paying him to do nothing, but he at least got to wear a jersey while doing it. Now Holik returns to the scene of the crime for a one-year deal at $2.5 million dollars.
Let’s just say this: Bobby Holik should be forced to give back every cent he has earned since he signed his big deal in 2002. It’s not Glen Sather’s fault that he has no concept of money, is it? Holik has stolen every penny he has been paid since, and is also fraudulent in his assertion that he is an elite hockey player.
Just because someone was the hotness once upon a time doesn’t mean those happy days will return again. Careful who you team up with NHL GMs, or one day you could be Holyfield, sitting there looking at a giant framed picture of yourself with MC Hammer, getting “Can’t Touch This” stuck in his head and wondering, “What was I thinking?!”