August 19 2008 01:13PM
We don’t want to go all Lowetide on your collective ass, but this is Mark Hartigan. Now you may be asking, “Who’s Mark Hartigan?” You may also be wondering, “Why does my ol’ pal Wanye want to tell me about him on a hot August afternoon when all I really want is a cream soda slurpee from the Mac’s down the street, and maybe some Doritos if there is time?”
Listen, you munchie-having hockey fans. Listen up and listen good.
We see players analyzed to death on sites all over the interwebs, shows on the radiola and occasionally on the telematrix device, when its frequency is correctly modulated to a station providing sports programming. But do you know what your statistics can’t account for? You know what your critical analysis can’t see critical analysts?
Heart, desire and talent beyond compare.
This is Mark Hartigan and he is the greatest NHL player of all time.
Now granted he has a mere 102 NHL games on his eight-year resume. Granted he has not been resigned by Detroit, and the only time he will ever be paid to wear an NHL jersey ever again will be if he gets modeling work at NHL.com.
But behold this fantastic statistic—one so awe inspiring, so mind blowing, that it’s very MENTION will cause you all to run screaming into the streets to the nearest Game-On Sports to purchase Hartigan jerseys by the hundreds.
Mark Hartigan has played a grand total of 5 NHL playoff games, but has won two Stanley Cups, first in 2006–07 with Anaheim and then in 2007–08 with Detroit.
Five games, two Cups.
This means it takes Hartigan an amazing 2.5 playoff appearances to win a Stanley Cup. Talk about efficiency! Talk about showmanship! Talk about making the minutes count!
Now before you bore us to death with facts like “But Wanye, his name isn’t on the Cup, he only gets a ring,” and “But Wanye, this is the ladies washroom at the YMCA” just stuff it.
Check out my boy Hartigan next to your conventional NHL greats:
Mark Messier: 236 playoff games, six Cups, 39.33 games per Cup
Gordie Howe: 157 playoff games, four Cups, 39.25 games per Cup
Larry Robinson: 227 playoff games, six Cups, 37.83 games per Cup
Mark Hartigan: five playoff games, two Cups, 2.50 games per Cup
You want to win the cup in 2008–09? Forget Hossa. Forget Sidney Crosby. Forget anyone you have ever analyzed with your statistics, microscopes or “inside access.” All you need is about ten minutes of Mark Hartigan ice time during the playoffs and your victory is secured.
Hartigan. Champion. That just happened.
Oh and by the by, there seems to be a lot of people chirping on this site of late. That’s good. Wanye likey. But don’t chirp unless you are saying something clever, lambs. Be a credit to the screen name “SexyBuns69,” not a detractor. Do your name proud, stand tall. And if you can’t come up with something clever to say, you can always come and yell at your ol’ pal Wanye.
We can take it; we’re like you: with rocks in our head and a song in our heart. Call us an Oilers Fluffer. Sure! We don’t even know what that means! We love each and every one of you in the way that you’re secretly hoping.
Wanye will never ban you. Wanye love you longtime.
But Wanye will also kick your head clean off your shoulders if you address me as anything but “Supreme Commander of the Rebel Alliance.”