Hartigan: heart 'a gold

Wanye
August 19 2008 01:13PM

We don’t want to go all Lowetide on your collective ass, but this is Mark Hartigan. Now you may be asking, “Who’s Mark Hartigan?” You may also be wondering, “Why does my ol’ pal Wanye want to tell me about him on a hot August afternoon when all I really want is a cream soda slurpee from the Mac’s down the street, and maybe some Doritos if there is time?”

Listen, you munchie-having hockey fans. Listen up and listen good.

We see players analyzed to death on sites all over the interwebs, shows on the radiola and occasionally on the telematrix device, when its frequency is correctly modulated to a station providing sports programming. But do you know what your statistics can’t account for? You know what your critical analysis can’t see critical analysts?

Heart, desire and talent beyond compare.

This is Mark Hartigan and he is the greatest NHL player of all time.

Now granted he has a mere 102 NHL games on his eight-year resume. Granted he has not been resigned by Detroit, and the only time he will ever be paid to wear an NHL jersey ever again will be if he gets modeling work at NHL.com.

But behold this fantastic statistic—one so awe inspiring, so mind blowing, that it’s very MENTION will cause you all to run screaming into the streets to the nearest Game-On Sports to purchase Hartigan jerseys by the hundreds.

Mark Hartigan has played a grand total of 5 NHL playoff games, but has won two Stanley Cups, first in 2006–07 with Anaheim and then in 2007–08 with Detroit.

Five games, two Cups.

This means it takes Hartigan an amazing 2.5 playoff appearances to win a Stanley Cup. Talk about efficiency! Talk about showmanship! Talk about making the minutes count!

Now before you bore us to death with facts like “But Wanye, his name isn’t on the Cup, he only gets a ring,” and “But Wanye, this is the ladies washroom at the YMCA” just stuff it.

Check out my boy Hartigan next to your conventional NHL greats:

Mark Messier: 236 playoff games, six Cups, 39.33 games per Cup

Gordie Howe: 157 playoff games, four Cups, 39.25 games per Cup

Larry Robinson: 227 playoff games, six Cups, 37.83 games per Cup

Mark Hartigan: five playoff games, two Cups, 2.50 games per Cup

You want to win the cup in 2008–09? Forget Hossa. Forget Sidney Crosby. Forget anyone you have ever analyzed with your statistics, microscopes or “inside access.” All you need is about ten minutes of Mark Hartigan ice time during the playoffs and your victory is secured.

Hartigan. Champion. That just happened.

You’re welcome.

Epilogue

Oh and by the by, there seems to be a lot of people chirping on this site of late. That’s good. Wanye likey. But don’t chirp unless you are saying something clever, lambs. Be a credit to the screen name “SexyBuns69,” not a detractor. Do your name proud, stand tall. And if you can’t come up with something clever to say, you can always come and yell at your ol’ pal Wanye.

We can take it; we’re like you: with rocks in our head and a song in our heart. Call us an Oilers Fluffer. Sure! We don’t even know what that means! We love each and every one of you in the way that you’re secretly hoping.

Wanye will never ban you. Wanye love you longtime.

But Wanye will also kick your head clean off your shoulders if you address me as anything but “Supreme Commander of the Rebel Alliance.”

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Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 PaperDesigner
August 19 2008, 01:31PM
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This is further proof of the incompetence of Brian Burke. If they had played Hartigan for the entire playoffs, they might have won the Stanley Cup eight times during 2007, instead of only once.

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#2 mjsh
August 19 2008, 03:18PM
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LOL @ paper designer. Interesting to see that you found this on Mark. His Dad is a good friend of mine and I have watched his spotty career with great interest. I actually bought tickets to the Oilers/ Columbus game where Nash laid out Peca just to see Mark play and he got sent back to Syracuse before the Blue Jackets got to town. Last I saw, he signed in Latvia for next year so no Stanley Cup for him next year. I do know that Anaheim did let him take the cup to McMurray for a day last year. A little aside, Anaheim got him for Curtis Glencross.

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#3 MikeP
August 19 2008, 05:36PM
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mjsh, no Stanley Cup? It seems pretty frigging obvious that some Latvian team will be parading around on the ice with it come next June or July or whenever the hell it'll finally be done.

Wanye, you sure you don't want to be the Emperor? I mean, Supreme Commander of the Rebel Alliance was a *woman*. There something you're not telling us?

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#4 Jonathan
August 19 2008, 08:08PM
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Mark Hartigan is from Fort St. John, which is just a great city.

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#5 The Towel Boy
August 20 2008, 08:59AM
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MikeP - Nerd Test...you passed!

Stunning article Wanye...Lowetide to the bone. Although I was a little disappointed you didn't back up your article with corsi numbers and desjardins stats. tsk tsk tsk.

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#6 Wanye Gretz
August 20 2008, 09:40AM
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MikeP -

You can't possibly understand how proud I am that you pointed that out. The force is strong with this one.

The Towel Boy -

Like I have said, I don't understand half of what these people talk about. Numbers give me a headache. Desjardins is a former Habs Defenseman, not a type of statistic.

You want numbers? I'll give you some numbers. Here:

4500 2045 1689 4002

It's Robin Brownlee's Visa number. There's some numbers.

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#7 The Towel Boy
August 20 2008, 10:11AM
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Yeah, I get lost in some of the stats thrown around some times...and I'm a mathy kinda guy. WTH is a Corsi number anyways?

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#8 oilman
August 20 2008, 11:21AM
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Marks brother Colin is an extremely successful real estate agent in Fort McMurray (Mark took the Cup there when he won it with the Ducks)....I'm willing to bet Colin makes a tonne more cash than his NHL player brother....ah Fort McMurray

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#9 Wanye Gretz
August 20 2008, 11:24AM
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Towel Boy -

I honestly only know that they are some sort of metric to track performance of an individual player, kind of like a plus/minus stat on steroids. Once I read on Irreverant Oiler Fans that they were named after Sabres goalie coach Jim Corsi, who is apparently a hybrid of Galileo, Alan Greenspan and Pete Peeters.

I think it's the total number of missed shots, saved shots, goal posts and cross bars hit and goals directed at the opposing team's net while a player was on the ice. You add all them up and then subtract all the same numbers against the player's own goal while they are on the ice - just like plus minus.

I do know that its more indicative of play than simple plus minus, but then it gets boring and I go look on youtube for video footage of machine guns firing.

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#10 Wanye Gretz
August 20 2008, 11:26AM
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Like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcM3eKO4F1c

Oh baby

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#11 The Towel Boy
August 20 2008, 03:05PM
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Umm...wow....

Any gun that can crumble a brick wall is way cool in my books.

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#12 risto
August 20 2008, 05:31PM
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This is why I like this site.

Don't like the benchwarming crew wearing the uniform and pads with the Cup. Maybe it's a bit 80's of me, but what's wrong with the humble tracksuit? Works for Sparky!

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#13 jdrevenge
August 20 2008, 05:44PM
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BTW Wayne, i think you missed this while you were vacaying in morinville but Brownlee anted you up for his portion of a wager we made. Regarding Rowboat Nilsson and his playing + hockey over the next three years.

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#14 Wanye Gretz
August 20 2008, 06:15PM
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jdrevenge -

What? When did this happen? What is the bet and what are the stakes?

Towel boy -

Soviet artillery is one of the best things about youtube. That and ghost riding the whip. I can't wait to get that started again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cGyeYtvb4M

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#15 The Towel Boy
August 21 2008, 07:33AM
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The only ghost rides worth watching are the ones that result in epic failure.

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#16 jdrevenge
August 21 2008, 09:08AM
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I'd have to time warp back to the day but i think i made some reference to Nilsson being Lehtonen in future.

sounds kind of stupid now but i think robin wagered up 500 on your behalf if Nilsson was a double digit plus player in 3 of the next 5 years.

i have faith so ill take my payment in stanley cup rigns.

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#17 Wanye Gretz
August 21 2008, 09:16AM
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Ah. So long has no one has recorded the wager, I am off the hook.

We need a bet bank around here to record these sorts of things for all posterity

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