Rules? What rules? Oilers rule!

Amber McCormick
September 29 2008 08:16AM

During last Thursday’s victorious pre-season game against Florida, a few things garnered my attention. I was shocked at the behavior of some of the spectators and their blatant disregard for the people around them. I thought it would be a good time to go over some basic dos and don’ts for sporting event spectators. We’re all there to have fun. Here's how to not be a douche in the process.

DO cheer if and when the American anthem is sung regardless of your feelings for the American government. This is not about politics. And sing the Canadian anthem loud and proud. Who cares if you can sing well or not—it’s not a contest. Ask yourself What Would Joey Do?

DO sit back. Rexall is set up so everyone has a great seat. Once you lean forward your blockhead becomes a visual obstruction. This will cause the person behind you to interrupt and ask you to sit back.

DON’T glare and roll you eyes when the person behind you tells you they can’t see. Being as jerk-face will only cause a punch to your skull the next time you disobey.

DON’T bring your babies. Spit-up is not conducive to an enjoyable hockey experience. If they can’t walk, they can’t cheer. By all means bring your three-plus-year-old kid: they can carry beer back to the seats and.

DON’T stand on the stairs when the puck is in play. You'r inviting people to make an example of you with one little shove. It will end in tears.

DO make friends with your neighbours. This is your temporary hockey family. It will be with these people with whom you celebrate or mourn.

DO smile and wave if you find your face on the jumbo-tron. When you hide behind your boyfriend it only invites fan scorn.

DON’T flash your boobies on the jumbo-tron. As funny as boys think it is, it’s just inappropriate. Where do you think you are? A John Tesh concert?

DO say excuse me and thank you when weaving through the isles. But please, move as quickly as possible because you ARE disrupting us.

DON’T use unnecessary and excessive profanity. There are impressionable kids there to run drinks for Daddy and Mommy. It just makes you sound uneducated and stupid.

DO offer to replace your neighbour's drink when you knock it over. Even though it may have been their negligence, it’s the nice thing to do.

DON’T buy a oversized foam finger. Just don’t.

DO make an effort in person hygiene. The only sweat we want to smell is Oiler sweat.

DON’T bathe in cologne. All you achieve is making Rexall Place smell like a Moroccan whore house.

DON’T stand in the middle of the corridor during intermission. No one cares that you just ran into your dentist’s son and his new wife. Move to the side. Actions like this will result in a very sarcastic comment such as “Ya, good place to stop” or something equally as clever.

DO cheer and applaud for the winning team. Keep in mind that both teams have practiced and played hard. Their families may not have been able to be there for support.

DO be patient at the end of the game during the mass exodus. Everyone wants to be the first one on the LRT platform but a broken neck will only land you in the ER (and not all doctors look like George Clooney. Or House).

DO get home as fast as possible. The fully loaded hot dog, that seemed like a good idea, has an internal shelf-life of approximately 90 minutes. You’re on borrowed time.

—Amber McCormick is a local comedienne and hater of drunk, obnoxious hockey fans who obstruct her view at games, or otherwise ignore her.

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Amber lives in Edmonton. Everyday she tries to do her part in preserving nature. Tomorrow she's pickling squirrels. Amber doesn't sweat the petty thing and she doesn't pet the sweaty things.
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#1 Nathan VN
September 29 2008, 08:47AM
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"Do sit back" FTW

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#2 rob
September 29 2008, 08:50AM
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Amber, you are a genius. Good blog

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#3 Chaz
September 29 2008, 08:55AM
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Great guidelines we should all embrace. I hope you don't if I throw in a couple more:

DON'T yell "Shoot" during an Oil power play, especially a 5 on 3. Be patient and let the professionals decide when to shoot.

DON'T let your kid dress up like their favorite player and mimic their hero in the stands. (I'm looking at you freeky Kipprasoff clone in Calgary).

DO morph that annoying "LOU" cheer the Canucklehead fans do for Luongo into "LOSER" thus making the spolied brat beside you wearing the $300 official Luongo jersey burst into tears.

DO boo whoever wins the 50/50, especially if they're from Hinton, which 96% of the winners seem to be.

DO try to kiss any cute girl in your general vicinity (IE: within 3 rows) if you get on the Jumbo Tron. If it gets you in trouble, just claim you thought you were on the Smooch-cam. Just kidding, DON'T do that.

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#4 george
September 29 2008, 09:31AM
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chaz, what do you got against Hinton?

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#5 B.C.B.
September 29 2008, 09:31AM
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Amber overall I thought those rules are great, but please Oiler fans do not cheer the Calgary/Dallas/Avalanche when they win. Have some self respect. Maybe just don't boo them (or maybe just boo the Flames if they win).

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#6 Chaz
September 29 2008, 09:42AM
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George:

Nothing against Hinton. It just always seems that the 50/50 winners are from there. I just dislike everyone who wins the 50/50 who isn't me...

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#7 MJ
September 29 2008, 09:45AM
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DO cheer and applaud for the winning team. Keep in mind that both teams have practiced and played hard. Their families may not have been able to be there for support.

Are you nuts or just a closet Leafs fan? These are pro hockey players, if they wanted their family there, it would be done. If any of them wish to adopt a 31 year old beer league player for support in Edmonton, I will be accepting donations.

There is no need to pussify hockey.

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#8 george
September 29 2008, 09:51AM
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LOL, i'm just kidding, i'm yhe same way.

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#9 Greg MC
September 29 2008, 10:02AM
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How do you know what a Moroccan whore house smells like?

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#10 Wanye Gretz
September 29 2008, 10:09AM
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"By all means bring your three-plus-year-old kid: they can carry beer back to the seats"

I think that people under 18 shouldn't be able to buy beers at the games EXCEPT if they are under 10. Children under 10 clearly aren't able to afford the $17 per beer they are asking at Rexall. Ergo, they are buying it for an adult and should be allowed to complete the transaction.

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#11 Doogie2K
September 29 2008, 10:24AM
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DON'T wear the sweater of a third team unless it is a national team or the personalized junior sweater of one of the participants. Doubly so if it's another sport. Read the damned ticket, you berk.

DON'T play musical chairs, or get up and try to go to the concession stand, in the middle of a game. I'm not above putting my feet on the seat back in front of me and being a prick about it.

DON'T let your kids run amok during the play. Intermission, sure. During the period? They can learn to sit down. Or, you know, maybe you shouldn't have bought little Timmy or Pasha or Rajbinder the 32 oz Coke, DAD.

DON'T be a dick if you cheer for the visiting victors. It's a one way ticket to getting your mouth punched in. That being said...

DO be loud and proud if you cheer for the visiting victors. You don't have to get in someone else's face: you can just go "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

DO clap after the fight. I don't care if you think it's barbaric. You don't like it, don't come to the damned game. These guys are bludgeoning each other for your entertainment, as well as their own moral code; have some respect.

DON'T scream shit between verses and lines of the anthem. I'm looking at you, leatherlungs in Section 108. To quote the philosopher Hanson: "I'm listenin' to the fuckin' song!"

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#12 pDan
September 29 2008, 10:43AM
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no to boobies? hmmm, gotta disagree.

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#13 RobinB
September 29 2008, 01:46PM
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Doogie2K: You got it. Who are these trailer-dwelling tools who treat us to glimpses of their vast intellect between verses of the anthem? "Soooray rules!!!! Woooooooooooot." Or Calgary sucks!!! HaHaHaHaHa ..." They, like the legions of donkeys who beg to be kicked in the testicles every time they bray "Get in the hole" at golf tournaments, need to shaddup and sing. That's assuming they know the words . . .

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#14 Tommy
September 29 2008, 02:15PM
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I don't like the whole "(insert team name here) sucks" chant, which seems to have gotten popular recently. I notice LA and Calgary do it a lot (go figure). One time I was at an Oilers/Flames game in cowtown and the brat behind me kept on yelling "oilers suck" every ten seconds even when that chant wasn't going.

Took until the second period before I turned around and told him that he should concentrate on cheering for his team and not against the opposing team. Then I gave his clueless father a withering glare of scorn for his parental abilities. Kid shut up though.

Since when is it more fun to cheer against a team then for one?

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#15 Dr Huxtable
September 29 2008, 04:06PM
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Please don't speak for "boys" on the subject of boobs on the jumbo-tron.

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#16 Amber McCormick
September 29 2008, 06:05PM
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I knew the boobie comment would be brutally rebuffed!

In regards to cheering for whomever wins, I think being good sports is just as much up to the fans as it the teams themselves.

And to MJ "There is no need to pussify hockey." I thought only pussies used the word pussify.

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#17 Wanye Gretz
September 29 2008, 06:14PM
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"I thought only pussies used the word pussify."

So does Mr. Harold Pussify, when referring to himself, his wife (Mrs. Pussify) or any of the Pussify Clan

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#18 chopperchick
September 29 2008, 06:40PM
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loved the blog Amber! ...as for the boobies, I can appreciate the men want to see them but head to Showgirls after the game instead, people bring kids to the game and I don't want my nephew seeing a whore's tits supersized on the big screen

a couple of more to add to the list

DON'T use every form of the f-bomb to make up a sentence, people don't want to hear the f***ing f**k was f***ing a f**k all game. If you can't think of any other words to use SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

DO leave your lid on your beer when you aren't drinking from it. I don't want it thrown all over me when you jump up to celebrate a goal. If you do spill it all over me don't be surprised when I get your ass kicked out for the rest of the game.

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#19 Ender the Dragon
September 29 2008, 06:44PM
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Great points, Amber.

If I may add:

DON'T sit in seats that don't belong to you, or at least until the second period when you're reasonably sure the people aren't coming. Pretending that you misread your tickets? (Oh my; this isn't section 'MIR Docking Platform'. How did I end up 3 rows from the ice? Silly me?) Yeah, you're not fooling anyone.

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#20 Chief Boyd
September 29 2008, 07:07PM
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DO feel free to watch the game from home. Beer gets spilt, people get excited and even drunk. This isn't church. These things make up the atmosphere of going to a LIVE game.

Do be patient with the insufferable know it all sitting behind you. I hate to be interrupted half way through a rant. I will spill beer on you.

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#21 chopperchick
September 29 2008, 07:46PM
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Chief Boyd you must be the a-hole sitting behind me this year...I want you to have fun and enjoy the atmosphere but if the only way you can do it is by getting drunk and spilling beer on everyone around you then do it at home or a sports bar, don't wreck the game for the other people around you that want to be able to bring kids to enjoy the game too.

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#22 Amber McCormick
September 29 2008, 08:22PM
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Chopperchick, Amen sister!!!!!

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#23 Oilersfan74
September 29 2008, 08:31PM
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Do shut the hell up if the players you are yelling at can't hear you. I went to the oil/florida game with a friend and his tickets. We have the pleasure of listening to two jackasses behind us trash al most every oiler from the captain down. We were in row 31 so there is no chance the players hear these comments just the people you are punnishing within ear shot.

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#24 Section 224
September 29 2008, 09:16PM
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Don't give the play by play or do color on every whistle...right Section 224, Row 34, Seat 2?!?!

You play men's division 7 and don't know the game as well as the players that get paid.

Also, I agree with:

Don't wear any jersey that you have in the closet. It is the Oilers and Flames...don't wear your Leafs jersey.

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#25 Adam
September 29 2008, 10:12PM
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DO sit back people, I do not like to see your frosted tips or your grandmas bald spot.

DO NOT spill your drink on the person in front of you - and don't justify doing it by saying it is part of the experience. I don't care if you will buy me a beer for my troubles - if I want a beer I will get it myself. I am capable of standing up and cheering while not spilling my drink. Why aren't you?

DO NOT walk really slow in the hallways (unless of course you are balancing food and drinks)... Do you see how crowded it is? It is because people walk slow or stop completely. Get to where you are going quickly and courteously.

SHUT UP: I do not care about what size PVC pipes you have in stock, what you and your friend did at last nights party or the cost of cocaine and hookers in Edmonton (I have heard all of these things discussed before). There are lots of places you could talk about this without wasting hundreds of dollars and simultaneously making me wish I hadn't forgot my radio and headphones. You are at a hockey game, if you must talk make sure that it isn't during play (unless you are cheering) and when the play is over don't annoy me and the person you are with about some stupid shit that has nothing to do with the game. Also, shouting a guys name over and over isn't cheering. Cheering is like this: "YEAH!" "BOO!" "NICE SHOT!" "GREAT HIT". Not like this: PISANI PISANI PISANI PISANI PISANI.

DO NOT bring a cowbell or horn to the game (drums are cool). This is annoying to no end. No one appreciates your noise making - are you incapable of clapping and shouting like everyone else? You blaring your crappy plastic trumpet or rattling your codpiece does not add to the game, it takes away from it and it makes me want to hunt you down and murder you with your favorite 'instrument'.

DO NOT hide when you are on the big screen. Obviously you were confident enough in your appearance to leave your home and attend the game, what changes when you are on camera?

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#26 Amber McCormick
September 29 2008, 10:45PM
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Whoa, Adam. Something you need to talk about? You seem to have more hostility than I do, and that's something! Perhaps, we should dedicate some time to your anger. Teehee

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#27 Chief Boyd
September 30 2008, 12:29AM
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DO have a sense of humour. Nobody is advocating the spilling of beer on anybody, but it happens occasionally. That's all I'm saying There is bound to be a little rowdiness when drink is involved. I enjoy that and think it is part of being at a live game. I agree, however, that total intoxication is NOT acceptable.

DO go to the game and cheer for who you want, how you want. Wear your old Nordiques jersey even if Colorado is not in town. Have fun, even if it means you are sometimes a douche.

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#28 TurdBurglar
September 30 2008, 01:18AM
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I cant believe no one else thinks that...

DO flash your badonkadonks if your on the jumbtron and fall between the ages of 18 and 30 and can fit into a single Rexall chair. True one doesnt go to a hockey game to see boobies, but the unexpected boob is the best kind of boob. As for kids, use it to your advantage to educate them on the anatomy of the boob. Its about time your 8 year old knows what an areola is anyway.

DO NOT cheer for the winning team if they arent "your" team...but instead

DO cheer for your team even if they lose.

DO NOT boo Todd Bertuzzi for the fact that he was extremely unlucky that he punched Moore and the ensuing dogpile broke his neck....

DO boo Bertuzzi now because he is a Flamer.

DO bring signs to Anahiem games that read "My baby looks like Chris Pronger" or "Chris Pronger is late on his child support payment"

Note: I do not condone what Bertuzzi did, no doubt that it was a brutal cheap shot, and what happened to Moore was terrible. But any hockey fan that has watched the game for long enough has seen MANY things that were more vicious than that punch, but didnt have the unfortunate end result.

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#29 The Towel Boy
September 30 2008, 07:56AM
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DON'T Be that bald headed guy with season tickets that sits in the front row of section 134. He yells at the opposing players thru the crack of the glass at every stoppage of play. It's usually funny, but after about 33 times...it gets old. And he's always pressing his oilers crest from his jersey against the glass too...after yelling, of course.

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#30 milli
September 30 2008, 08:51AM
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DON’T flash your boobies on the jumbo-tron

I disagree, BOOBIES should be flashed after every oilers GOAL!!!! Just to be clear though, NO MAN BOOBIES.

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#31 doritogrande
September 30 2008, 05:47PM
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TurdBurglar:

I may not be up on my slang, but a "badonkadonks" is actually an ass. A big, bouncy ass. Think before you post man.

For the hot ladies...DO kiss your hot girlfriend when you get on the jumbotron. It's great for fan morale in the 15-old man range, especially if we're losing.

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#32 Adam
September 30 2008, 08:55PM
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rage consumes me... what can i say.

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