A dire warning and a hockey draft

Wanye
September 30 2008 09:29AM

So we’re back from our weeklong “stay” in Calgary. We can’t say we enjoy going down there as often as we do but we’ve learned to survive on the mean streets of Cow Town. How do we do it? Behold our failsafe Surviving Calgary Checklist™:

  1. Bring lots of water. Calgary water has something in it that causes able-bodied men to fancy their hot cousins after a few glasses.
  2. Once in your hotel room, wet towels and stuff them along the crack on the bottom of the door. Usually this is done to keep smoke from a fire out of the room. We use it to keep Calgary air out of the room. There is something in the air down there that leads people to think that Mike Keenan is an able leader of men.
  3. Look no one in the eye. This could lead to random fist fights with people who think that you are somehow trying to put the moves on their hot cousin and need to be put in your place.
  4. Look everyone in the eye, provided you are packing what we call the “Edmonton Welcoming Committee” which consists of a 50,000 volt taser and a shank.

Anyways, we returned from our trip and sat down with our morning Rye and Cheerios and decided to check out our favourite website on the internet. Once we were done there we thought we would swing by the Nation and see what’s what.

Flames fans writing about how the Flames are going to do this year? Really? What in the sweet tap-dancing-zombie-baby-Jesus is going on around here? A Flames fan on an Oilers website? That makes as much sense as a dog driving the space shuttle right? HAHAHAHAHA.

No time for laughter.

Consider this a warning.

If there are Flames folk on here, we’re going to go out of our way to let them have it. It’s only fair. They’re hogging all of the hot cousins.

Also...

We have decided to play the Hockey Draft on the Sporting News website. We have been playing it for years with The Boys™ and we would like to see how smart all the citizens of the Nation really are. It’s a grand time and we shall be referring to it regularly throughout the year. We have invited all of the Nation staff to play and we are already going to guarantee a win. Plus, if you manage to beat us in the draft you can punch us in the face! Guaranteed!*

Sign up here Nation.

*Not a guarantee.

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Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 The Towel Boy
September 30 2008, 10:02AM
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...glad you made it back w/o marrying your cousin or having in apporpriate relations with a sheep.

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#2 MJ
September 30 2008, 10:24AM
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Another pool.... ahh why not. Just because Wanye started one.

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#3 Brian Fellows
September 30 2008, 10:46AM
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That's your favorite website? HAHAHAHA

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#4 Wanye Gretz
September 30 2008, 10:48AM
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MJ -

If you play it like I think you do, you will see some unbelievably undervalued players on a certain Western Conference Team

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#5 R-Gib
September 30 2008, 10:54AM
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Hey Wanye, is this a "No buy trades" league? I hope so, otherwise there is always some cash crazy smartass who buys a billion trades and destroys us - and is no fun for cheap bastards like me!

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#6 Wanye Gretz
September 30 2008, 11:09AM
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R-Gib,

Good call. It's too bad you can't disable trades in these divisions. We have one buddy that used to ruin the draft every year by buying trades. Now we ban him.

NO BUYING TRADES PEOPLE. As per the directive of R-Gib, seconded by Viceroy Wanye Gretz.

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#7 R-Gib
September 30 2008, 11:36AM
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NICE. Thanks dude, should be fun!

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#8 MJ
September 30 2008, 11:58AM
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Yes Brian, I do fill in OilFans.com as my website when posting at the Nation. Why wouldn't I after more than 12 years of work into it?

No buying trades is more than fair. 3 transactions in a year is far less than most Yahoo! pools will see, that's for sure. Choose your starting lineup wisely!

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#9 Wanye Gretz
September 30 2008, 01:11PM
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MJ -

I believe that Brian Fellows is talking about my favorite website, as listed in my post.

PS It's a great site.

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#10 outKast
September 30 2008, 01:24PM
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EDMONTON AB -- The Edmonton Oilers organization were shocked and appalled at the Canuck's decision to name Roberto Luongo team captain. "What the heck? Why didn't I think of that first?", said the distraught Katz. "We're so much cooler and special-er than they are."

In an attempt to one-up this momentous decision by the Canucks, the Edmonton Oilers decided to hold a press conference this morning. Katz went up to the podium and said, " The Edmonton Oilers are saddened to strip the captaincy from Ethan Moreau. He will assume the duties of assistant captain. This way he can spend more time with his family and focus on getting his game back on track."

"I don't know what to say..." said Moreau. "I guess i can spend more time with my kids... i think..."

The room now full of confused reporters listened in on what else Katz had to say. "In his place, the Oilers are proud to introduce their new team captain. Coach, and former Oiler captain, Craig MacTavish".

"Although completely unneccesary, i would just like to say that it's always nice to get some recognition." said a bewildered MacTavish who spent the presser looking like a deer in headlights.

According to a faulty rule in the NHL rule book, MacTavish will be unable to wear the 'C" on his lapel. However, the Oilers will have 5 'A's on ice and Ethan Moreau has been designated as the mediator on ice. Take that Vancouver!

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#11 outKast
September 30 2008, 01:30PM
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Should outKast be an Oilernation special correspondent?

1) Absolutely 2) Indubitably

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#12 DJ Spyn Cycle
September 30 2008, 01:33PM
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Dude, at least sign in under a different name and say those things.

Honestly, you made me laugh out loud. This merits a prize. And in the OilersNation Prize Goody Bag, I have a signed copy of Linda Steele's "Laptop Diaries." Outkast, if you want it, email oilersnation@gmail.com with your mailing address and we'll send it out to you asap.

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#13 Wanye Gretz
September 30 2008, 01:49PM
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WTF? Can I have a copy of Laptop diaries too? I write all the time!

While I certainly enjoy OutKast and his a) hip hop moniker b) cheery outlook on things c) self starting attitude d) his self promoting marketing machine

A guy who recently called my main man lowetide a giant "something" on here gets no special correspondent status from me. In fact I think that he should present himself so Lowetide can crank him in the face with a tire iron.

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#14 Greg MC
September 30 2008, 02:51PM
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Towels under the door to keep smoke from your room entering the hallway more like it, Wanye!

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#15 outKast
September 30 2008, 04:39PM
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hahahaha giant something... i love you wayne gretz

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#16 MikeP
September 30 2008, 07:48PM
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Watch out Wanye, he's putting the moves on you. Are you sure you're not his cousin?

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#17 Wanye Gretz
September 30 2008, 08:22PM
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I can assure you my only relations are in the Royal House of Hapsburgs.

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#18 outKast
September 30 2008, 09:15PM
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...is that the 'International House of Sausage?'

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