Winners and losers

Wanye
January 27 2009 09:41AM

We were driving into NationHQ this morning and we got a text from one of the Green Diesels -– more on them later. “Did you hear that Comrie has been ordering strippers on the road despite his relationship with Hilary Duff?” We were so excited we pulled over to the side of the road and French kissed the first passerby we could lay our hands on.

Note that this story hasn’t hit the interwebs yet - once we hit publish on this story it will be the first mention that we can find anywhere. Instead this is being reported by celebrity reporter Meg Tucker on 91.7 The Bounce. Her 11 Pulitzer prizes are enough for us to 100 per cent believe this story is true.

Smarter people will reserve judgment until the facts are in before weighing in on the subject.

(three second pause)

Long enough for us. Here goes:

Oh Mike. *shakes head sadly* First you were a hometown hero that was run out of town and now can’t return. Now you cheated on Hillary Duff with greasy rippers on the road. Did we also mention you play for the Islanders and no one will sign you to a long-term deal despite the fact you consistently score every season?

Think it might be time to find a mirror and ask yourself the hard questions?

*sighs contentedly*

Draft pt 2

Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today? The second season of the “First Annual Wanye Gretz wants you to waste more work time hockey draft” (FAWGWYTWMWTHD) is a go. But before you sign up here:

Division name: Oilersnation.com

Let’s talk about champions. Here is the top ten from the first season.

We have to confess we lost interest in this draft because of people like MARTYB39, credfern75 and greenlightning86. They jumped out to a lead so fast we hadn’t even had time to figure out what was what. “Who is good this year? Is that Ovechkin ever going to amount to anything? Is Pavel Bure a good dark horse pick?”

While our mind was reeling on questions like these the top five went about dismantling the entire division within minutes of signing up. Look at that beating MARTYB39 laid on the division. Good heavens.

Well not this season, you unscrupulous bastards. We are going to bring the heat in the second half of the season. Our team -- cleverly named as per usual -- has been doing 'roids during the All-Star Break while the rest of the league was on vacation. They know the responsibility of being on Wanye Gretz’s hockey draft team and if the millions in salary and thousands of puck bunnies weren’t enough, our constant harassment will be the motivating factor behind a big second half.

Join now everyone. And the funnier the names the better. After all, if you can’t be good, look good.

The biggest win of the century

We don’t make mention of it often but we are a part of the best curling team in the entire universe. Before you say, “Curling Wanye? Was the lawn dart league full?” Let’s just say this. It is encouraged to drink heavily before and after curling. In fact some curling rinks allow you to drink on the ice -- provided you put your glass on the sidelines.

Anyways our team -- the Green Diesels -- is a scrappy bunch of warriors who haven’t a clue what we are doing really. Our skipper tries to hold us together as best he can but usually fights a losing battle in a season that to date has been winless.

But last night the Green Diesels finally won one. Damn it, team, you can’t teach the heart we have. You can’t teach the drive or the grit. Klawman, if you managed to put in a single end of decent sweeping effort we would promise you a kidney in return should you ever need one. Won't happen.

Next stop: The Brier.

Final thoughts

  • Why do people named Hilary always get cheated on?
  • MSG: how could you lose to the French pro league cast off? That was yours to win. We guess the elder brother remains firmly in charge of the family for another day.
09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 socaldave
January 27 2009, 09:56AM
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good god - what happened to comrie's head? it's GINOURMOUS!!! Hollywood doesn't like big foreheads, Mike, although if you're trying to score Tyra Banks, good job. Her forehead is MASSIVE

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#2 Ales in Chains
January 27 2009, 09:57AM
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Mike looks astonishingly like The Penguin. Only thing is Dany Devito is taller and that is definatley NOT Rhea Pearlman.

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#3 The Towel Boy
January 27 2009, 10:03AM
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Curling...It's the golf of ice sports. Just like golf, it's not how good you play, or how consistent your shots are...it's the fact that you can play totally shatfaced and nobody will think any less of you.

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#4 Dennis Castro
January 27 2009, 10:07AM
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Man he's still a tool, go work at the brick.

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#5 Wanye Gretz
January 27 2009, 10:37AM
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The Towel Boy wrote:

it’s the fact that you can play totally shatfaced and nobody will think any less of you.

That and driving at night....

RIGHT? RIGHT?

*total silence*

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#6 The Towel Boy
January 27 2009, 10:40AM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

When else would you drive drunk?

P.S. My team has been entered in the FAWGWYTWMWTHD ...the gauntlet has been thrown down.

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#7 Wanye Gretz
January 27 2009, 10:52AM
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The Towel Boy wrote:

@ Wanye Gretz: When else would you drive drunk? P.S. My team has been entered in the FAWGWYTWMWTHD …the gauntlet has been thrown down.

Fantastic name. That is R-I-C-H

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#8 RBK
January 27 2009, 11:03AM
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I have joined too Wayne. Curling is for losers though

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#9 The Towel Boy
January 27 2009, 11:07AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Fantastic name. That is R-I-C-H

Awthangyou...

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#10 Dropping Deuces
January 27 2009, 11:12AM
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Its ON like Donkey Kong Beyotches!

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#11 Matt N
January 27 2009, 11:14AM
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Re: The Draft

Buying trades is for pussys. Lets do this with no rich boys pulling a "Yankee" and buying the title.

Re: Comrie & Strippers

Standard. Doesn't everyone do this when out of town away from the wife?

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#12 Gord
January 27 2009, 11:16AM
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I speak no English is back to defend it's first half 10th place finish!

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#13 Travis Dakin
January 27 2009, 11:17AM
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Matt N wrote:

Re: Comrie & Strippers Standard. Doesn’t everyone do this when out of town away from the wife?

Shhhhhuuuuuuttttt up man..... JEEZ!

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#14 BUCK75
January 27 2009, 11:18AM
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OMG Draft Part 2...

*frantically tears apart desk looking for login & password*

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#15 Drag that rock (aka Klawman)
January 27 2009, 11:18AM
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Wanye, you are to sweeping what Alexander Semin is to fighting. Your sweeping was so feeble you couldnt move the lint that our newly minted uni's spread all over sheet 5.

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#16 Ender the Dragon
January 27 2009, 11:22AM
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Matt N wrote:

Standard. Doesn’t everyone do this when out of town away from the wife?

I don't know; maybe just me, but if you insert 'Hillary Duff' for the term wife, I'm thinking 'Greasy Road-Ho' might be stepping down a little bit. If Duff isn't worth langing onto it for a day, could you maybe offer up who would be?

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#17 Travis Dakin
January 27 2009, 11:28AM
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Ender the Dragon wrote:

could you maybe offer up who would be?

Isla Fisher

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#18 Ender the Dragon
January 27 2009, 11:34AM
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@ Travis Dakin: Ahh, then maybe all would be well for Mike if only he can convince Isla to succumb to his wily charm. A tougher task today than yesterday, though, isn't that right Mike? Oh, that's right, you're getting used to settling for less each passing year.

Rule #1, boys; if it ain't a significant upgrade, it ain't worth it.

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#19 Wanye Gretz
January 27 2009, 11:36AM
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Drag that rock (aka Klawman) wrote:

Wanye, you are to sweeping what Alexander Semin is to fighting. Your sweeping was so feeble you couldnt move the lint that our newly minted uni’s spread all over sheet 5.

My great stars in heaven. I have seen armless men and people in iron lungs who have a greater capacity for hard work than you good sir.

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#20 Wanye Gretz
January 27 2009, 11:37AM
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Ender the Dragon wrote:

If Duff isn’t worth langing onto it for a day, could you maybe offer up who would be?

If Natalie Portman ever responds to any of my 14,495,897 marriage proposals I can guarantee you I would never cheat on her with greasy road strippers.

Unless they are blond.

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#21 BUCK75
January 27 2009, 11:39AM
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Ender the Dragon wrote:

I don’t know; maybe just me, but if you insert ‘Hillary Duff‘ for the term wife, I’m thinking ‘Greasy Road-Ho‘ might be stepping down a little bit. If Duff isn’t worth langing onto it for a day, could you maybe offer up who would be?

How often would Comrie get the chance (while an excellent point - edited by WG)

http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=z3xpS9oJiMQ

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#22 Tommy
January 27 2009, 11:43AM
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Since when does going to the strippers constitute cheating? Maybe in your Fundamentalist Mormon sect (not that there is anything wrong with it)

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#23 shakey
January 27 2009, 11:53AM
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Wayne; 'Our skipper tries to hold us together...' Isn't the skipper the guy that drives a boat? Or that fat guy that shipwrecked his friends on that little island? Man that Mary-anne and her red checker top was sexy. I'm no brain scientist but I think it's called a Skip in curling. I'm just sayin'

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#24 rindog
January 27 2009, 11:54AM
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My Gawd!!! Comrie's head is enormous!!!!!

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#25 shakey
January 27 2009, 11:55AM
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Tommy wrote:

Since when does going to the strippers constitute cheating? Maybe in your Fundamentalist Mormon sect (not that there is anything wrong with it)

Tommy, I think the issue here, if the story is accurate, is that he orders them to his room when he's on the road. That's a little different than going for a beer in beaver alley.

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#26 BOBO
January 27 2009, 12:14PM
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My gawd Comrie's skull appears to be growing at the same pace as Barry Bonds back when he was smashing home run records. What kind of proof do we have the the NHL is testing for HGH?

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#27 Wanye Gretz
January 27 2009, 12:16PM
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shakey wrote:

Wayne; ‘Our skipper tries to hold us together…’ Isn’t the skipper the guy that drives a boat? Or that fat guy that shipwrecked his friends on that little island? Man that Mary-anne and her red checker top was sexy. I’m no brain scientist but I think it’s called a Skip in curling. I’m just sayin’

A guy who still calls me "Wayne" instead of "Wanye" after being one of our most righteous readers for over a year shouldn't be telling me what to call my skip.

Get your broom - it's on Dr. Shakey. I'll bring our skipper too he will show you how the Green Diesels stick together like glue.

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#28 Travis Dakin
January 27 2009, 12:17PM
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Ender the Dragon wrote:

Rule #1, boys; if it ain’t a significant upgrade, it ain’t worth it.

Only age can teach one that. By then it is too late. Dammit.

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#29 Wanye Gretz
January 27 2009, 12:19PM
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@ shakey:

Oh and damn that Mary Ann was sexy back in the day. Have you seen her lately though? Looks like she escaped from the crypt, particularly when she has been arrested:

http://weblogs.newsday.com/entertainment/tv/blog/0_61_dawn_wells_320.jpg

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#30 shakey
January 27 2009, 12:28PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

@ shakey: Oh and damn that Mary Ann was sexy back in the day. Have you seen her lately though? Looks like she escaped from the crypt, particularly when she has been arrested: http://weblogs.newsday.com/entertainment/tv/blog/0_61_dawn_wells_320.jpg

Wanye...I will lose a thousand sleeps for disrespecting your name. And those sleeps will be haunted by that pic of Mary Ann...what a buzz kill that was.

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#31 Wanye Gretz
January 27 2009, 01:03PM
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shakey wrote:

Wanye Gretz wrote: Wanye…I will lose a thousand sleeps for disrespecting your name. And those sleeps will be haunted by that pic of Mary Ann…what a buzz kill that was.

I am of course only kidding around about the name thing. The Mary Ann link on the other hand is far from a joke.

"Images of Dawn Wells killed over 100 Canadians in 2009." - The Wanye Gretz Department of Statistics TM

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#32 Deep Oil
January 27 2009, 02:31PM
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The Towel Boy wrote:

@ Wanye Gretz: When else would you drive drunk? P.S. My team has been entered in the FAWGWYTWMWTHD …the gauntlet has been thrown down.

ask jay bo and MacT about impaired driving at night

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#33 Deep Oil
January 27 2009, 02:33PM
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Matt N wrote:

Re: The Draft Buying trades is for pussys. Lets do this with no rich boys pulling a “Yankee” and buying the title. Re: Comrie & Strippers Standard. Doesn’t everyone do this when out of town away from the wife?

spearmint rhino in vegas is my favorite

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#34 The Towel Boy
January 27 2009, 02:37PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

“Images of Dawn Wells killed over 100 Canadians in 2009.” - The Wanye Gretz Department of Statistics TM

Now that's a stat you can make a sandwich to!

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#35 jeanshorts
January 27 2009, 02:50PM
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(edited by WG)

http://img33.imagehaven.net/img.php?id=99YA2MV1HI_Hilary_Duff_-_Playing_with_a_dolphin_in_bahamas_-_Jan_25_2_.jpg

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#36 The Towel Boy
January 27 2009, 02:54PM
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@ jeanshorts:

She's so bloody doable, it's not even funny.

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#37 Ender the Dragon
January 27 2009, 03:00PM
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@ jeanshorts:

Tell me again how that is not worth waiting a week for. Man, what a reject . . .

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#38 Ender the Dragon
January 27 2009, 03:12PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Luckily “Wayne Gretz” said that - whereas my fake name is Wanye.

You know, I feel really dumb because until today, I just shrugged off that comment as something too ridiculous to understand. Only today did it suddenly make sense, like the joke your friend told you last week . . .

Wanye Gretz wrote:

A guy who still calls me “Wayne” instead of “Wanye” after being one of our most righteous readers for over a year shouldn’t be telling me what to call my skip.

. . . and the lights suddenly go on. Am I the last one to get this? Really?

[stares at ceiling, whistling tunelessly]

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#39 RBK
January 27 2009, 03:18PM
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Ender the Dragon wrote:

Wanye Gretz wrote: Am I the last one to get this? Really? [stares at ceiling, whistling tunelessly]

I am on here all the time and I didn't either. It's like a magic eye picture.

Suddenly a pony!

Sorry WaNYe!!!

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#40 The Towel Boy
January 27 2009, 03:24PM
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@ RBK: @ Ender the Dragon:

Wlel, its lkie taht emial taht I'm srue yuo've porbalby gtoten befroe wehre you can raed the wrods in the emial as lnog as the frist and lsat lteters are in the rihgt sopt.

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#41 Wanye Gretz
January 27 2009, 03:28PM
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The Towel Boy wrote:

@ RBK: @ Ender the Dragon: Wlel, its lkie taht emial taht I’m srue yuo’ve porbalby gtoten befroe wehre you can raed the wrods in the emial as lnog as the frist and lsat lteters are in the rihgt sopt.

That was kind of the idea. It's stealthy. I like it.

*laughs creepily and disappears in a puff of smoke*

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