Are You There Death? It's Me, Amber

Amber McCormick
October 18 2009 01:53PM

"I swear if Dustin Penner gets a hat trick I’ll slit my wrists." - Amber McCormick

I'm used to being made a fool of. It’s second nature to me at this point. Normally it's my own fault when I find myself in a situation of embarrassment and shame. I don't have a social filter and have a tendency to say the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times.

This time it's different. This time I'm convinced that Dustin Penner is making a mockery of me with his donair douchebaggery. For two seasons I have supported him and loved him unconditionally. Each season, consistently, he's let me down. This season I said to myself, "Self, enough. No more." Hence, Penner became my goat.

Sure as shit, Dustin Penner has once again fought back. It's hurtful. Why couldn't he have been this man when I loved him?

It's much like my favourite made for TV movie, "I'm Not Leaving Without My Daughter Cause You're Abusive And I Have A Brain Tumor. Also, Your Drinking Problem Is Tearing Us Apart”. I defended him, I made excuses for his behavior and the black eyes (I swear, I ran into a door). The day came when I finally left and began to put the pieces of my shattered life back together. It's like when you break up with someone because you realize that you don't want the same things. "I don"t want to get married. I don't want kids," he says. Six months later you have the misfortune of running into him and his new, pregnant with twins, wife.

I know his performance bodes well for the team and we always promised we would do what was best for "the kids" but I'm still feeling a little scorned. Great performance or not, you're still my goat.

Db1a966f04a8a472b0df900e5b7eeb29
Amber lives in Edmonton. Everyday she tries to do her part in preserving nature. Tomorrow she's pickling squirrels. Amber doesn't sweat the petty thing and she doesn't pet the sweaty things.
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#51 freeze
October 19 2009, 11:01AM
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This thread needs some disemvoweling.

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#52 danjo1
October 19 2009, 11:12AM
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According to Puckdaddy, Penner is on pace for 59g 47a and 106p this year... I kinda put up with him for the past two years, and to begin this year I was honestly optimistic that Penner would finally earn his contract (I swear!!).

Thanks for the awesome article Amber, and re the criticsm -- I am actually in disbelief that there are people that are still that ignorant. Anyway keep up the good work, more humor every day is always appreciated.

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#53 Petr's Jofa
October 19 2009, 11:13AM
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Should we start the disemvoweling with u or i?

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#54 Petr's Jofa
October 19 2009, 11:17AM
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@danjo1

I still remember the good old 2006-07 season when Sykora was on pace for 492 goals... Then we played the second period.

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#55 Heatly
October 19 2009, 11:26AM
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GAME DAY! OIL 4 CANUCKS 2! LETS GO OILERS!

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#56 danjo1
October 19 2009, 11:31AM
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@Petr's Jofa

yes but the difference is we're already 7 games in lol. I'm sure he'll slow down to a pace of about 90 points... we can dream, right?

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#57 rickithebear
October 19 2009, 11:46AM
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@quicksilver ballet

For those who don't frequent the Nation enough to know better, Amber writes opinion and humour pieces. If you don't like those, you better skip all Wanye's articles too and just use to filters at the top to go directly to Willis's columns. And get a prescription for anti-depressants while you're at it, because a sense of humour is always a good thing.

Ender the dragon:

Your talking to a man who in his youth went to schools for career fairs in the early 80's trying to convince young women to take science's and engineering as the desired education option. 51% of the minds. The idealism of youth.

As for your Trite rehtoric. Try being a man who is the primary custodial parent. See how many hoops you have to jump thru to get the same action a single mother gets. I am still waiting for my child support. 4 years later. My idealism has been adjusted.

Josh was dislplaying humour or he was not. Amber was displaying humour and I enjoy her reads.

But to say one is diffrent than the other. Is well BS.

That approach is exclusionary, segregist, and in need of anti-depressents.

As for Dustin Penner Top 25 in LW scoring the last 3 years. The average cap hit of players within his rate range 4.3M. Me thinks he will be outperforming his contractthis year.

Up till now it has been break even. that is what people do not understand.

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#58 David S
October 19 2009, 12:07PM
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Sorry man. The "everyone is entitled to their opinion" schtick is how radical communism, Sharia Law and greenpeace are still in existence.

Bitter commentary to make oneself feel superior is only reserved for the Ed Hardy t-shirt crew. And everybody knows what we call those guys.

At the end of the day, there's nothing hotter than a woman who crosses the floor and gets involved in the discussion of sports. I do wish we had more of them here. But don't expect them to be spitting on the floor, crushing Pilsners and installing bull nuts on their F350's.

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#59 Ender
October 19 2009, 12:11PM
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rickithebear wrote:

As for your Trite rehtoric. Try being a man who is the primary custodial parent. See how many hoops you have to jump thru to get the same action a single mother gets. I am still waiting for my child support.

Been there, done that. Two young kids. Didn't ask for child support. Made out fine. Not sure what that has to do with anything in this article.

rickithebear wrote:

Josh was dislplaying humour or he was not.

He was not. Humour does not have one referring to another's comments as 'retarded' and insinuating that their death would make one happy. It was an overt personal attack without provocation. And before you try to insinuate that Amber did the same thing to Penner, reflect on the points that A) you admit that you understand Amber was joking, and B) she lampooned herself more than PDP.

It is different. If you can't see that . . . well, then nothing I can say will help you. Good luck with being bitter and all; let me know how that works out for you.

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#60 quicksilver ballet
October 19 2009, 12:31PM
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rickithebear wrote:

For those who don't frequent the Nation enough to know better, Amber writes opinion and humour pieces. If you don't like those, you better skip all Wanye's articles too and just use to filters at the top to go directly to Willis's columns. And get a prescription for anti-depressants while you're at it, because a sense of humour is always a good thing.

Ender the dragon:

Your talking to a man who in his youth went to schools for career fairs in the early 80's trying to convince young women to take science's and engineering as the desired education option. 51% of the minds. The idealism of youth.

As for your Trite rehtoric. Try being a man who is the primary custodial parent. See how many hoops you have to jump thru to get the same action a single mother gets. I am still waiting for my child support. 4 years later. My idealism has been adjusted.

Josh was dislplaying humour or he was not. Amber was displaying humour and I enjoy her reads.

But to say one is diffrent than the other. Is well BS.

That approach is exclusionary, segregist, and in need of anti-depressents.

As for Dustin Penner Top 25 in LW scoring the last 3 years. The average cap hit of players within his rate range 4.3M. Me thinks he will be outperforming his contractthis year.

Up till now it has been break even. that is what people do not understand.

We are all guilty of making our own choices, perhaps a morally bankrupt attitude is why you're in the situation you're in, is this even partially correct?......please pleasure us with a few breast cancer jokes as well while you're at it sir.

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#62 rickithebear
October 19 2009, 01:13PM
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quicksilver ballet wrote:

We are all guilty of making our own choices, perhaps a morally bankrupt attitude is why you're in the situation you're in, is this even partially correct?......please pleasure us with a few breast cancer jokes as well while you're at it sir.

Would not! Lost my mom to cancer!

Breast Cancer, Kids for cancer, are 2 0f the three charities, I give to.

The third being the womens shelter. 29 years ago, I let a women running and screaming down my apartment complex Hallway, into my apartment. She had been badly beaten. Her psycho girlfreind was running around screaming looking for her. I choose to take action. An image that I will never forget.

I am a person who believes they are defined by there actions. Something my mother taught me.

The two engineers I respect the most, both women, EARNED my respect.

Would it be unfair to say you would be an EXPECT rather than EARN.

Plus using your perspective. All the single moms who struggle. Its their moral fault. Their choice. Their situation. I take issue with your perspective.

Big believer children should not be a victim of who they were born too.

Quicksilverballet: You spout better prose than me. I ask you what you have done to better your community. When I ask myself this, I can sleep at night, knowing Kharma is on my side.

Now as for Dustin, this is what Kevin Saw!

PS: If you give to a charity. Do it thru United Way. Their administrative costs are much lower.

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#63 GSP
October 19 2009, 01:13PM
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I dont believe it...she really is a blogger here...I have been following the nation for a couple months and kept seeing the name "Amber" but other than the goat picks I never saw a post from "Amber".

I am glad to see the Nation has a female voice as most of us testosterone prompted men talk nonsense when it comes to the sports teams we love or hate.

As for your topic of PDP...I too had written him off and I am more than willing to eat crow if he has a great season and propels us to the playoffs. Unfortunately for you, slitting your wrists is alot more painful than I eating crow...lol....

Loved the post by the by

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#64 Harlie
October 19 2009, 01:41PM
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@Amber McCormick

you should be hanging a pink moose knuckle from your hitch. Not the ballsack one's. ;)

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#65 quicksilver ballet
October 19 2009, 01:53PM
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rickithebear wrote:

Would not! Lost my mom to cancer!

Breast Cancer, Kids for cancer, are 2 0f the three charities, I give to.

The third being the womens shelter. 29 years ago, I let a women running and screaming down my apartment complex Hallway, into my apartment. She had been badly beaten. Her psycho girlfreind was running around screaming looking for her. I choose to take action. An image that I will never forget.

I am a person who believes they are defined by there actions. Something my mother taught me.

The two engineers I respect the most, both women, EARNED my respect.

Would it be unfair to say you would be an EXPECT rather than EARN.

Plus using your perspective. All the single moms who struggle. Its their moral fault. Their choice. Their situation. I take issue with your perspective.

Big believer children should not be a victim of who they were born too.

Quicksilverballet: You spout better prose than me. I ask you what you have done to better your community. When I ask myself this, I can sleep at night, knowing Kharma is on my side.

Now as for Dustin, this is what Kevin Saw!

PS: If you give to a charity. Do it thru United Way. Their administrative costs are much lower.

Lets leave the scoreboard watching to our maker, he knows us better than we do ourselves.

Agree with you, we'll all accomplish more earning peoples respect rather than demanding it.

It is up to us as parents to help our children decide if they're victims or benificiaries of our parenting.

Whom is this Kharma dude you brought to our attention, he/she is nothing more than a boatload of bullship as far as i'm concerned....but perhaps i've yet to read that book yet.

United way is a pro choice organization...and must be where you met this Kharma dude.

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#66 David S
October 19 2009, 01:59PM
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In before the lock!

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#67 Boris
October 19 2009, 02:31PM
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Wow...interesting comments today. Amber, enjoyed the piece today. I wrote a few times this past summer, usually after someone took an unsolicited shot at him, that Penner would rebound this year and earn his contract. Not because I am pyschic but for some of the same reasons Gregor wrote about. Go Oilers...

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#68 The Drew
October 19 2009, 09:38PM
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Any time any of you want a piece of me im ready. This has been my third post because i dont have time to waste sitting around all day blogging like some people. So anytime anyone wants a piece of me come get it. My only beef is with people who post topics with no really meaning at all. No merit on actual matters, only how they feel about players looks or in this case their suicide feelings. Some people like me are true oilers fans and will cheer this team for life and not get all emotional with players weights calling Penner fat or anything. Those of you who took it upon yourself to post something about me that wasnt so nice woopie doo good for you whatever helps you sleep at night your not worth anyones time accept those who are as pathetic as you. One dude said hes sad that people like me walk among us, lol give me a break sweetie. Those of you who agree with me thanks. Go oilers Go oilersnation im far from a sexist i just dont like dumb opinions keep it to yourself or youll be told what you deserve.

The Drew

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#69 Vanguard
October 20 2009, 09:22AM
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The Drew wrote:

Any time any of you want a piece of me im ready. This has been my third post because i dont have time to waste sitting around all day blogging like some people. So anytime anyone wants a piece of me come get it. My only beef is with people who post topics with no really meaning at all. No merit on actual matters, only how they feel about players looks or in this case their suicide feelings. Some people like me are true oilers fans and will cheer this team for life and not get all emotional with players weights calling Penner fat or anything. Those of you who took it upon yourself to post something about me that wasnt so nice woopie doo good for you whatever helps you sleep at night your not worth anyones time accept those who are as pathetic as you. One dude said hes sad that people like me walk among us, lol give me a break sweetie. Those of you who agree with me thanks. Go oilers Go oilersnation im far from a sexist i just dont like dumb opinions keep it to yourself or youll be told what you deserve.

The Drew

What are you, like 12 years old? Did you actually use the phrase "anytime you want a piece of me"? LMAO.

Keep up the articles Amber, like our 'ol drunken pal Wayne, you keep this site not just informative but entertaining.

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#70 danjo1
October 20 2009, 11:31AM
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The Drew wrote:

Any time any of you want a piece of me im ready. This has been my third post because i dont have time to waste sitting around all day blogging like some people. So anytime anyone wants a piece of me come get it. My only beef is with people who post topics with no really meaning at all. No merit on actual matters, only how they feel about players looks or in this case their suicide feelings. Some people like me are true oilers fans and will cheer this team for life and not get all emotional with players weights calling Penner fat or anything. Those of you who took it upon yourself to post something about me that wasnt so nice woopie doo good for you whatever helps you sleep at night your not worth anyones time accept those who are as pathetic as you. One dude said hes sad that people like me walk among us, lol give me a break sweetie. Those of you who agree with me thanks. Go oilers Go oilersnation im far from a sexist i just dont like dumb opinions keep it to yourself or youll be told what you deserve.

The Drew

I'll meet you by the bicycle rack after school today to defend Amber's right to post hilarious articles mocking herself for not jumping on the Dustin Penner bandwagon...

But first tell me this... is anything she stated in her article incorrect? Is it not true that Penner did in fact come to camp overweight the previous two years? Didn't he finally come in shape this year?

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#71 The Drew
October 20 2009, 04:57PM
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Keep up the posts boys. obviously your all arm chair GM's and all that crap where you think you know everything. and ya Im 12 lol

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#72 Quicksilver ballet
October 20 2009, 05:42PM
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The Drew wrote:

Keep up the posts boys. obviously your all arm chair GM's and all that crap where you think you know everything. and ya Im 12 lol

Keep up the posts boys, obviously you're all armchair GM's and all that crap, you think you know everything......and ya, i'm 12 yrs old.

Fixed!

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#73 David S
October 20 2009, 10:52PM
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hxxp://media.ebaumsworld.com/picture/ff1432/InternetToughGuy2.gif

/thread

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#75 Dodd
October 21 2009, 09:47AM
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The Drew wrote:

Any time any of you want a piece of me im ready. This has been my third post because i dont have time to waste sitting around all day blogging like some people. So anytime anyone wants a piece of me come get it. My only beef is with people who post topics with no really meaning at all. No merit on actual matters, only how they feel about players looks or in this case their suicide feelings. Some people like me are true oilers fans and will cheer this team for life and not get all emotional with players weights calling Penner fat or anything. Those of you who took it upon yourself to post something about me that wasnt so nice woopie doo good for you whatever helps you sleep at night your not worth anyones time accept those who are as pathetic as you. One dude said hes sad that people like me walk among us, lol give me a break sweetie. Those of you who agree with me thanks. Go oilers Go oilersnation im far from a sexist i just dont like dumb opinions keep it to yourself or youll be told what you deserve.

The Drew

"Any time any of you want a piece of me I'm ready.... yet totally anonymous and un-traceable...but bring it."

LOL

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