Are You There Death? It's Me, Amber

Amber McCormick
October 18 2009 01:53PM

"I swear if Dustin Penner gets a hat trick I’ll slit my wrists." - Amber McCormick

I'm used to being made a fool of. It’s second nature to me at this point. Normally it's my own fault when I find myself in a situation of embarrassment and shame. I don't have a social filter and have a tendency to say the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times.

This time it's different. This time I'm convinced that Dustin Penner is making a mockery of me with his donair douchebaggery. For two seasons I have supported him and loved him unconditionally. Each season, consistently, he's let me down. This season I said to myself, "Self, enough. No more." Hence, Penner became my goat.

Sure as shit, Dustin Penner has once again fought back. It's hurtful. Why couldn't he have been this man when I loved him?

It's much like my favourite made for TV movie, "I'm Not Leaving Without My Daughter Cause You're Abusive And I Have A Brain Tumor. Also, Your Drinking Problem Is Tearing Us Apart”. I defended him, I made excuses for his behavior and the black eyes (I swear, I ran into a door). The day came when I finally left and began to put the pieces of my shattered life back together. It's like when you break up with someone because you realize that you don't want the same things. "I don"t want to get married. I don't want kids," he says. Six months later you have the misfortune of running into him and his new, pregnant with twins, wife.

I know his performance bodes well for the team and we always promised we would do what was best for "the kids" but I'm still feeling a little scorned. Great performance or not, you're still my goat.

Db1a966f04a8a472b0df900e5b7eeb29
Amber lives in Edmonton. Everyday she tries to do her part in preserving nature. Tomorrow she's pickling squirrels. Amber doesn't sweat the petty thing and she doesn't pet the sweaty things.
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#1 Harlie
October 18 2009, 02:17PM
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bumped into Gilles from DWTS last night outside the Japanese Village. The wife was swooning.

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#2 Librarian Mike
October 18 2009, 02:30PM
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Sounds like you need to blast some Alanis and down a couple of bottles of wine with your girlfriends.

The thing to remember, Amber, is that guys like that die in their own arms.

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#3 Ender
October 18 2009, 03:26PM
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When we first posted our stars and goats, I noticed that the only 'Voice of the Nation' that shared my goat was Amber. "Well," I thought, "At least someone who knows something about hockey shares my opinion.

Amber, all I can say is this; when we picked our goat, we picked him because we figured we knew who he really was - a spoiled, selfish, lazy ape who had taken advantage of the Oilers in a vulnerable moment and made them commit when they were on the rebound. And honestly, seven fantastic games aside, I'm not a believer yet.

Penner is still my goat, and Amber and I are going to look six shades of clairavoyant when the real PDP realizes that playing 82 games in a season is, like, work and stuff and reverts back to his old habits. Yes, he may be on pace today for 105 points this season, but I for one will not be shocked if, all that aside, his points as an Oiler this year still end up being lower than last year.

Stay the course, Amber. The imposter trying to make a pitch for the first line will disappear before your very eyes soon enough; count on it.

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#4 Muji 狗
October 18 2009, 04:21PM
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I asked Dustin if he wanted to hit up Whyte Ave for a donair or ten. His response: "nah, I'm too busy being awesome and proving all the haters wrong... Baaaaah"

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#5 freeze
October 18 2009, 05:46PM
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Oh Amber, once you get use to Pennertration it will be ok. It is only uncomfortable at the beginning. ;)

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#6 Eric
October 18 2009, 06:35PM
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freeze wrote:

Oh Amber, once you get use to Pennertration it will be ok. It is only uncomfortable at the beginning. ;)

LMAO! I came up with the nickname 'Pennertrate' and 'Pennertration' ... brings a huge smile to my face to see people are actually using it!!

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#7 freeze
October 18 2009, 06:48PM
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@Eric

I noticed it on Twitter. It shall be used all season and in all contexts.

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#8 Charlie
October 18 2009, 07:03PM
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On a side note, today marks the anniversary of the Oilers acquiring one of the biggest stars of all time...

.... DR. RANDY GREGG.

http://oilfans.com/playerStats.php?lastname=Gregg&firstname=Randy

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#9 Victoria
October 18 2009, 07:48PM
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Crappy deal, Amber.

I'm the opposite, I ripped Penner for the last two years, but I've got a pretty good feeling about chubbs this season (hence him being my 'star' of the year). No MacT = no monkey on his back

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#10 442Junkie
October 18 2009, 07:57PM
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Amber my friend (I call you that even though we've never met, talked or even exchanged long glances while I was on a cross country trip to Marineland with my wife and kids while she was sleeping and you were in a Ferrari) I feel the need to tell you you're wrong about PDP. Sure, he eats the donair meat right off the giant spit like it's a popcicle. He's somehow leaner and driven. It's your fault. You left, you abandoned him, now the "popcicles" just don't taste as good he's cut back and is trying to win you back. You must keep him ay arms length. We don't need him to revert back to his old ways.

On a side note, it's better to cut along the arm. Across takes longer and is more of a cry for help.

Chin up, blades closed, Junkie.

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#11 josh
October 18 2009, 08:09PM
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Wow this just proves why women should not be allowed to talk about sports, fantastically retarded comments I hope D P gets his trick and that you are a person of your word!!!

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#12 442Junkie
October 18 2009, 08:24PM
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josh wrote:

Wow this just proves why women should not be allowed to talk about sports, fantastically retarded comments I hope D P gets his trick and that you are a person of your word!!!

I didn't know touretts syndrome ticks included typing inappropriate things too.

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#13 David S
October 18 2009, 08:25PM
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^Looks like somebody's still choked women won the right to vote.

I think the problem between MacT and Penner last year had alot to do with the fact MacT knew deep inside that Dustin could be as good as he's playing now. No doubt it pretty much drove MacT insane knowing Penner had so much more to give. There's probably alot of nights that find MacT at the bar downing multiple triple scotches and moaning "NOW you decide to play!!!", just before he passes out in inebriated frustration.

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#14 Archaeologuy
October 18 2009, 08:40PM
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@David S

When did they get the right to vote?! Wont they just vote the way their husbands tell them to anyway?

On a serious note, will they start asking for equal pay also?!

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#15 Victoria
October 18 2009, 08:41PM
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Josh had his nads cut off by a woman and now he's an asexual shadow of a man.

You know man, therapy can help you.

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#18 Sammy D
October 18 2009, 09:21PM
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Josh,

I just clicked on 'Voices of the Nation' and I saw Amber's name there... Funny thing - I didn't see yours... If you want to rip someone for their opinion, and back it up with thought provoking commentary of your own, that's fine... Bring in gender as your only argument and you just show yourself to be the sad, lonely, and single person for whom you really are.

Amber, for the sake of the team, I hope that Penner scores a whole freaking bunch... for your sake I hope they are all two-goal games (plus a SO winner here and there - they don't count as a Hat-trick... right Ovie?)

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#19 RossCreekNation
October 18 2009, 09:35PM
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Amber McCormick wrote:

This just proves why men should not be allowed to comment on open forums until their balls drop.

LOL.

I read that and said 'did she just write that' and re-read it. Then I LMFAO.

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#20 Antony Ta
October 18 2009, 09:57PM
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It's not so bad.

I've been a fan of Penner all along and he's finally been given a chance to prove me right.

Now the only problem is, I was also backing that Horcoff who is making me look really bad right now.

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#21 The Drew
October 18 2009, 10:02PM
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josh wrote:

Wow this just proves why women should not be allowed to talk about sports, fantastically retarded comments I hope D P gets his trick and that you are a person of your word!!!

Thank you Josh. the last time this clown wrote something this idiotic i ripped on her and gave props to Gregor and Brownlee. Brownlee came to her aid of course which is lame because whenever someone gives you a complement you shouldn't diss them back so in my opinion now he's pretty stupid. as for this one i have no problem if chicks follow sports but not ones who are freelance writers and all they can get is a blog where there topics have no real meaning or importance. Go oilers and Go Penner i always knew he had it in him and at hopefully she keeps her word and we won't have to see anymore pathetic topics from her. As for Brownlee get a shrink, a life and a year pass at Jenny Craig. Go Oilers I'm out .

The Drew

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#22 dan t
October 18 2009, 10:07PM
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ya know... kissing ambers ass wont make her like u... it takes a strong masculine touch and the occasional "put in your place" fist...

besides sexism is hilarious.

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#24 Travis Dakin
October 18 2009, 10:50PM
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I would like to smash someone's head in right now. First on the list, Drew, The. You sir are a piece of sh*t.

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#25 David S
October 18 2009, 10:59PM
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Amber - Looks like there's a few clowns who have the "giving people a laugh or even a moderate, stifled giggle" thing down to a science - in the bad way.

Sexism. Really. In 2009.

Please keep on posting. I'm curious to hear what happens when Penner finally does bag 3.

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#26 Travis Dakin
October 18 2009, 11:02PM
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Are we serious here? I mean are we still at the point where people are complaining because a "woman" is writing a sports article? Do I actually live amongst people that really have an issue with these things?

Coming on to a blog and ripping on someone while under the disguise of a pseudonym is the same as those punk kids that vandalize property or bus shelters or something. Seriously... how cool is that? Wow, you're an a$$hole and no one will ever know.

The Drew tells Brownlee to get a life at the end of a Sexist, anonymous rant. Absolutely hilarious. It's embarrassing to me that we as a society allow people like this to walk among us.

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#28 Gerald R. Ford
October 18 2009, 11:30PM
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@Amber McCormick

Sassy, crotch-scratching eye candy...

*loves The Nation*

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#29 BarryS
October 18 2009, 11:32PM
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Archaeologuy wrote:

When did they get the right to vote?! Wont they just vote the way their husbands tell them to anyway?

On a serious note, will they start asking for equal pay also?!

- Well, they lost something when they wanted the vote, husbands used to vote as their wives told them to. Now they have there own vote, their husbands are free to vote for the first name they can read. - - Equal play is a good thing as it will mean they will pay more taxes those their husbands voted for, (see above) can spend on important things like fact finding missions to warm places in winter, or important sporting events needing their presence. - :-)

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#30 dan t
October 19 2009, 12:01AM
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lol @ travis... join a legal club or talk hockey... penner is playing fannnnnnnntastic much to the dismay of my flamer counterparts as i called this one to be his motivated season and not a dam person believed me... its like his passive, fragile ego and procrastinatory style needs a reason to keep on trying or rather not to coast... the hardest part being getting the ball rolling... smells of hemmer-oids...

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#31 Dodd
October 19 2009, 12:57AM
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So let's re-cap:

Amber admits Penner has surprised her and forced her to eat a little bit of humorous crow. Same sentiments as most of us.

Amber uses wit and humor to drive the point home effectively.

A couple D-bags decide to let us in on their issues with women.

Let's please not forget that those who write for the Nation attach their name publicly to everything they say, unlike us anonymous types.

That takes balls - the metaphoric kind, not the two dangly things that make Josh and The Drew spew crap at any woman who isn't serving them at a beer barrel.

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#32 Eric
October 19 2009, 01:20AM
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Amber McCormick wrote:

As much as I love it when you get all riled up, let's just leave it be now. I've said my piece and any more will only encourage him.

And for the record, I don't ever recall saying I was a woman. It was assumed. *scratches crotch and belches*

But it says so right in that mini-bio underneath all your blog posts.

P.S. You seriously turn me on.

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#33 jeanshorts
October 19 2009, 02:15AM
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I can't believe this website has stooped so low that they need to get a woman to write about spor......wait what? We've already covered the over the top sexist points? Fudge. LOOK OVER THERE!

*runs back to his "bachelor pad" with The Drew, so they can cry themselves to sleep, praying they will one day know the touch of a woman*

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#34 Hemmertime
October 19 2009, 02:31AM
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Dont let douches get to you. Though your articles arent the most informative (why do they need to be? we have others for that) I normally crack a grin or two at your writing and enjoy your 2 cents.

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#35 Hemmertime
October 19 2009, 02:36AM
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David S wrote:

Amber - Looks like there's a few clowns who have the "giving people a laugh or even a moderate, stifled giggle" thing down to a science - in the bad way.

Sexism. Really. In 2009.

Please keep on posting. I'm curious to hear what happens when Penner finally does bag 3.

Ya, I just wish it was

"I swear if Dustin Penner gets a hat trick I’ll rock the shower at Diamonds." - Amber McCormick

Then it would get real interesting instead of depressing.

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#36 Tracie
October 19 2009, 07:23AM
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Great read, Amber! thanks!

And Please let Penner keep it up! GO OIL!

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#37 billmad
October 19 2009, 07:45AM
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The sexist comments are a bit much, however, just like in Penner's case it takes time to convince the doubters. Penner is playing his (dropped) balls off and there are still haters.

I haven't followed the Nation for very long and haven't seen many articles from Amber; mind you she has sporadically written since February 2008. Now I don't know what Amber's agreement is with the Nation but, IMO, more involvement will win her more hearts.

Anyways, regarding the original issue; Penner should never play with Horcoff and Hemsky again! I doubt you could even put him on the first line with someone else. Seems to me that he likes being out of the spot light and that's where he excels. By the way, did anyone else notice the "A" on his jersey last game?

Go Oil, go Penner!

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#38 Librarian Mike
October 19 2009, 07:46AM
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People like 'The Drew' (who is such a douchebag that he's trying to emulate the poet laureate of douchebags, Jim Rome) compel me to seriously rethink my stance on Eugenics.

Okay, rant over. So, Amber. I seriously had a dream about you (no, not that one) last night. It was a movie montage, with DP working out like a Rocky movie, and every now and then he'd have a big flashback of either MacT or you. Anyway, it ended with him on top of a mountain like Rocky 4 shouting 'AMBER!'

Best dream I've had in a long time.

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#39 smiliegirl15
October 19 2009, 08:02AM
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and you wonder why there are not more women posting on the Nation... Some of us are brave though - way to go Amber!

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#40 Petr's Jofa
October 19 2009, 08:05AM
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Wow, this thread has it all!

Suicide, humour, sexism, and a sprinklying of creepyness. I haven't felt this awkward since I was forced to watch About Schmidt.

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#41 Gunt Butter
October 19 2009, 08:07AM
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Season Greetings: If Hemsky doesn't tally a hundred points this year i'm gonna stretch my bag over a train track. If Grebs isn't plus ten at the end of the year i'm a' step into a meth bathtub and wander down to tentcity, they'll build a stadium on my grave. If Tambo doesn't pull the trigger on a deal i'm gonna pull the trigger.

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#44 Librarian Mike
October 19 2009, 08:28AM
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@Amber McCormick

That freakshow still wouldn't be as creepy as the Calgary Flames team photo.

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#45 rickithebear
October 19 2009, 09:01AM
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Dustin Penner is making a mockery of me with his donair douchebaggery.

Fat reference

Wow this just proves why women should not be allowed to talk about sports

Gender reference

Josh and you are on the same level.

It is a shame you both can not see it.

Oh wait I will assume you both are being humourous!

The PC over reaction! Shame! Shame! or

Those in glass houses should not throw stones.

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#46 I'm a Scientist!
October 19 2009, 09:44AM
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smiliegirl15 wrote:

and you wonder why there are not more women posting on the Nation... Some of us are brave though - way to go Amber!

I think there should be WAY more women here... it smells like fart too often when you gals aren't hanging around!

*walks to the corner of the room and pretends to clear his throat while letting one slip, then looks to the guys in the room for a high five*

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#47 Ender
October 19 2009, 09:52AM
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@rickithebear

Hmmmm . . . an obvious tongue-in-cheek article lamenting the (unexpected?) good play of a multi-millionaire (so far) VS a blatant discriminatory statement against women in general. I'm thinking Amber was smiling when she wrote her article. By the tone of his commentary, I doubt Josh was. Are you seriously comparing these two statements?

For those who don't frequent the Nation enough to know better, Amber writes opinion and humour pieces. If you don't like those, you better skip all Wanye's articles too and just use to filters at the top to go directly to Willis's columns. And get a prescription for anti-depressants while you're at it, because a sense of humour is always a good thing.

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#48 quicksilver ballet
October 19 2009, 09:55AM
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Not so sure the suicide linkage in this article is at all a good idea, especially with some of the youth that visit here on occasion. There's nothing funny about arriving on the scene of someone who's "checked out" and left a mess.

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#49 BarryS
October 19 2009, 10:21AM
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rickithebear wrote:

Dustin Penner is making a mockery of me with his donair douchebaggery.

Fat reference

Wow this just proves why women should not be allowed to talk about sports

Gender reference

Josh and you are on the same level.

It is a shame you both can not see it.

Oh wait I will assume you both are being humourous!

The PC over reaction! Shame! Shame! or

Those in glass houses should not throw stones.

Actually my Glass House is made of Lexan. HAHA So I can throw all the stones I want. Going to throw one right now.

Drat, the walls are so clear I can't find the door H E L P!!! I'm trapped in my glass house!

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#50 No Clue
October 19 2009, 10:59AM
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Amber you funny. Great blog, crappy comments mine included.

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