Sick

Wanye
October 28 2009 01:23PM

Well our beloved Edmonton Oilers looked like a disease ridden whore last night, didn’t they? Merely watching the game gave us a mild case of the swine flu right through the TV we believe. We have no idea what has made this team go from hero to zero in such a short amount of time but judging by the state of near hysteria the MSM is in, it has something to do with the H1N1 virus and the likelihood that we are all minutes away from death.

The NHL disclosed yesterday that Avalanche Goaltender Peter Budaj had come down with the Swine Flu. Not to be outdone by the opposition going into a divisional match, the Oilers cryptically released post game on some news stations that one of their players too had come down with the H1N1 virus.

True to form, two separate stations reported that Oilers would not say which player was ill. Also true to form the Oilers brass let it slip to other stations, who immediately broke the news that the affected player was Ladislav Smid. Through an improbable series of circumstances we actually saw Smid yesterday and we can report that he looks remarkably unconcerned about contracting “the killer flu” – and perhaps the rest of us unwashed masses should take a page out of his book and dial down the hysteria.

Yes, the Oilers haven’t scored in two games. Yes, they look slower than a tier-9 Pee Wee hockey team. Yes, that game last night was so boring that our roommate was heard to remark “Man alive, this game is extraordinarily boring.” But we are going to give them the benefit of the doubt and chalk this stretch up to being under the weather. Not the killer flu that has caused people to stand in a tightly packed line up outside medical clinics in Edmonton for up to six hours mind you – just the flu that we all so often jeer at year after year.

Besides, it’s not like a more virulent strain of a flu could wreak havoc on the Oilers, could it? Flying around North America together, being exposed to the germs carried by the population of a half dozen cities in the past week. Tightly packed onto a bench, sharing water bottles and the occasional smooch. No, this doesn’t sound like a breeding ground for disease to us.

If we were Pat Quinn, we would have each player hermetically sealed in an oxygen chamber à la Michael Jackson in the 1980s. Then we would transport the Oilers around using forklifts – precious cargo remaining safe and healthy inside. We would have Sparky Kulchisky and Ken Lowe line the oxygen chambers up on the bench and we would simply press the eject button on whatever player we wanted on the ice at any given time. The merchandising spin-offs of a branded Oilers anti H1N1 chamber would be immense at this time of borderline panic among the wussier segments of the population, easily swayed by newscasters looking to rile us up.

Second hand information

Like much of our news we heard this second hand from a buddy who we will classify as “reliable.” Apparently there was a swine flu epidemic in the '70s in the US much like the one we are facing today. Newscasters and papers fanned the flames of panic and Americans dutifully lined up for vaccinations.

Problem? The Americans manufactured a bunk vaccine that killed more people than the flu itself did. But the medical community has advanced miles since then, pioneering technologies in many industries and now achieve incredible feats like a non lethal flu vaccination and making a 50-old-woman look like a spry 21 year old? Ain’t that right Madonna?

No thanks. We aren't quite ready to put our faith in western medicine.

Quite yet.

Don't want Swine Flu? Simple answer: don't eat pork. Right, Gregor?

Totally.

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Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#51 Oilersordeath
October 28 2009, 05:34PM
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On a positive note I got to see Tony Rajala play last night here in Portland againts the Winterhawks. Although he didn't dominate he skated pretty well, set up some nice plays. The only thing that bothered me about him was that he passed up alot of point blank chances and passed it off when he should of ripped it!! Did any of you get a chance to see the Hawks in Edmonton? Christ they are a fast team!

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#52 Hatecoff
October 28 2009, 05:44PM
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DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! whos seen the Beyonce "sweet dreasm" video DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the first chorus scene DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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#53 Word
October 28 2009, 06:32PM
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@PartyPooper

Safety Salamander, you need a hobby.

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#54 Bobo
October 28 2009, 06:57PM
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I'm torn on this whole H1N1 thing.... One one hand if I get the vaccine there is a good chance I will die....

But if I don't get the vaccine there is a good chance I will die....

Maybe I'll only get half....

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#55 Suntory Hanzo
October 28 2009, 07:08PM
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Librarian Mike wrote:

As a video game geek, I can't help but wonder if all this H1N1 hysteria is just an elaborate promotional campaign for Left 4 Dead 2.

Obviously it isn't, but it'd be pretty cool if it was...

"Takin Pills!"

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#56 rubbertrout
October 28 2009, 09:01PM
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Hatecoff wrote:

DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! whos seen the Beyonce "sweet dreasm" video DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the first chorus scene DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Was your keyboard stuck? I have a tough time figuring out any other logical reason for all of the explanation points.

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#58 Rob
October 28 2009, 10:33PM
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On TV or radio the other night someone was mentioning the Oiler scouts were at several consecutive Habs games. Who the heck do they have that we would want...the mascot?

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#59 Eddie Shore
October 28 2009, 10:37PM
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Honestly, this could be the funniest series of posts since JSBM disappeared.

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#60 Jeremy
October 28 2009, 10:42PM
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RyanB wrote:

Actually the vaccine makes straight people gay and gay people Mexican. Everyone moves down a notch.

I read that, then laughed out loud, then stopped to wonder if i was a homophobic racist for a second, then I remembered it was from family guy and now its all good.

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#61 jeanshorts
October 28 2009, 10:54PM
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Eddie Shore wrote:

Honestly, this could be the funniest series of posts since JSBM disappeared.

Hey, uhh, we still "operate" a ramshackle "website" of sorts. It's more or less an email stealing operation but it's there.

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#62 Jason Gregor
October 28 2009, 11:31PM
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Wanye wrote:

This is entertaining to me on so many levels. Leave it to Gregor to throw his support behind Pork Producers during a potential Swine Flu pandemic.

That's like declaring your full support for the Milwaukee Bucks to lead us out of the recession.

This thread is a laugh riot PS.

Why wouldn't I?

You don't get it from eating pork? And now most people get it from other people not pigs.

The fact is some blockheads might actually think that not eating pork will save them from H1N1.

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#63 Jason Gregor
October 28 2009, 11:31PM
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Wanye wrote:

This is entertaining to me on so many levels. Leave it to Gregor to throw his support behind Pork Producers during a potential Swine Flu pandemic.

That's like declaring your full support for the Milwaukee Bucks to lead us out of the recession.

This thread is a laugh riot PS.

Why wouldn't I?

You don't get it from eating pork? And now most people get it from other people not pigs.

The fact is some blockheads might actually think that not eating pork will save them from H1N1.

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#64 Petr's Joffa
October 29 2009, 09:56AM
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One of my co-workers just ordered a BLT for lunch. While it is clear that he only has hours left to live after injesting the bacon, I want to know what kind of survival rate I'm looking at having been exposed to it by sitting at the table.

I mean if I'm looking at hours to live, I'd like to go out with a bang.

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#65 offside
October 29 2009, 11:38AM
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Petr's Joffa wrote:

One of my co-workers just ordered a BLT for lunch. While it is clear that he only has hours left to live after injesting the bacon, I want to know what kind of survival rate I'm looking at having been exposed to it by sitting at the table.

I mean if I'm looking at hours to live, I'd like to go out with a bang.

I would highly recommend telling off your boss

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#67 Oil Fever
October 29 2009, 12:21PM
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Ninjafoot wrote:

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....pooooorrrkk

**drools all over shirt**

So last year it was the "avian" flu, and this year it is the "swine" flu. Will next year be the "bovine" flu, or something more exotic?

Or maybe we can call it "Mad Cow"???? LOL

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#68 lego
October 29 2009, 12:22PM
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billmad wrote:

A little info for everyone.

Vaccines - not nearly as effective as you'd think: http://chemistry.about.com/cs/howthingswork/a/aa011604a.htm

Catastrophic epidemic of the 70's - read about it here (specifically last section): hxxp://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2009/09/28/h1n1-vaccine.html

Smid missed one game and doesn't sound too worried... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to worry about! I'm not going to stop "kissing" pigs on the weekends!

Actually if you read that first article it is talking about the general flu shot that is given annually for the seasonal flu. The problem with that is there are usually several types of flu floating around and the shot will only protect you against one type. The health authorities make their best guess each year as to which type may be most prevalent but if you are exposed to a different type you may still get the flu.

With the H1N1 vacine it is targeted specifically at H1N1, if you get the shot and your are not already infected and your immune system reacts strongly to the vaccine you will most likely become immune to H1N1. But of course you may still get another type of flu.

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