Sick

Wanye
October 28 2009 01:23PM

Well our beloved Edmonton Oilers looked like a disease ridden whore last night, didn’t they? Merely watching the game gave us a mild case of the swine flu right through the TV we believe. We have no idea what has made this team go from hero to zero in such a short amount of time but judging by the state of near hysteria the MSM is in, it has something to do with the H1N1 virus and the likelihood that we are all minutes away from death.

The NHL disclosed yesterday that Avalanche Goaltender Peter Budaj had come down with the Swine Flu. Not to be outdone by the opposition going into a divisional match, the Oilers cryptically released post game on some news stations that one of their players too had come down with the H1N1 virus.

True to form, two separate stations reported that Oilers would not say which player was ill. Also true to form the Oilers brass let it slip to other stations, who immediately broke the news that the affected player was Ladislav Smid. Through an improbable series of circumstances we actually saw Smid yesterday and we can report that he looks remarkably unconcerned about contracting “the killer flu” – and perhaps the rest of us unwashed masses should take a page out of his book and dial down the hysteria.

Yes, the Oilers haven’t scored in two games. Yes, they look slower than a tier-9 Pee Wee hockey team. Yes, that game last night was so boring that our roommate was heard to remark “Man alive, this game is extraordinarily boring.” But we are going to give them the benefit of the doubt and chalk this stretch up to being under the weather. Not the killer flu that has caused people to stand in a tightly packed line up outside medical clinics in Edmonton for up to six hours mind you – just the flu that we all so often jeer at year after year.

Besides, it’s not like a more virulent strain of a flu could wreak havoc on the Oilers, could it? Flying around North America together, being exposed to the germs carried by the population of a half dozen cities in the past week. Tightly packed onto a bench, sharing water bottles and the occasional smooch. No, this doesn’t sound like a breeding ground for disease to us.

If we were Pat Quinn, we would have each player hermetically sealed in an oxygen chamber à la Michael Jackson in the 1980s. Then we would transport the Oilers around using forklifts – precious cargo remaining safe and healthy inside. We would have Sparky Kulchisky and Ken Lowe line the oxygen chambers up on the bench and we would simply press the eject button on whatever player we wanted on the ice at any given time. The merchandising spin-offs of a branded Oilers anti H1N1 chamber would be immense at this time of borderline panic among the wussier segments of the population, easily swayed by newscasters looking to rile us up.

Second hand information

Like much of our news we heard this second hand from a buddy who we will classify as “reliable.” Apparently there was a swine flu epidemic in the '70s in the US much like the one we are facing today. Newscasters and papers fanned the flames of panic and Americans dutifully lined up for vaccinations.

Problem? The Americans manufactured a bunk vaccine that killed more people than the flu itself did. But the medical community has advanced miles since then, pioneering technologies in many industries and now achieve incredible feats like a non lethal flu vaccination and making a 50-old-woman look like a spry 21 year old? Ain’t that right Madonna?

No thanks. We aren't quite ready to put our faith in western medicine.

Quite yet.

Don't want Swine Flu? Simple answer: don't eat pork. Right, Gregor?

Totally.

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Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 The Towel Boy
October 28 2009, 01:30PM
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I watched a neat show on superbugs the other day. Man. We're one tiny germ mutation away from death at any given moment.

It's crazy the stuff other animals carry around and all of a sudden it mutates and BLAMBO: A Human Killing Superflu is born.

Reminds me of the Stephen King book "The Stand".

That was a great book.

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#2 Charlie N64
October 28 2009, 01:30PM
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Madonna's looking GOOD.

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#3 Ninjafoot
October 28 2009, 01:35PM
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mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....pooooorrrkk

**drools all over shirt**

So last year it was the "avian" flu, and this year it is the "swine" flu. Will next year be the "bovine" flu, or something more exotic?

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#4 Ambassador humantorch
October 28 2009, 01:38PM
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Ninjafoot wrote:

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....pooooorrrkk

**drools all over shirt**

So last year it was the "avian" flu, and this year it is the "swine" flu. Will next year be the "bovine" flu, or something more exotic?

I'm holding out hope for a Jacakalope Rickets pandemic myself.

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#5 pmg2
October 28 2009, 01:39PM
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Before they played Vanc & Col I stated to a local media guy they'd be 6-5 by Tuesday night. The Oil will be 6-6-1 after tomorrow night folks. Anyone believing in the first 9 games (6-2-1 record) that this year might be different,....think again ! It takes 1/4 of a season (at least 20 games) to properly evaluate a teams' turnaround asbeing 'real' ! According to my prediction 2 weeks ago, they are right on par where I picked them to finish at the end of the season. A .500 team at best and desperately battling for a playoff spot near the cut-line. This team is too pathetic to be in the upper echelon yet. Case: last night !

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#6 Zamboni Driver
October 28 2009, 01:43PM
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I was listening to the radio the other day. A really smart-sounding guy (probably played college in the States?)...might have been one of those "doctor's" - you know like "Doc Gregg?" - explained it well.

Dear General Public... if you are sick right now. you HAVE H1N1. Sincerely, Doctors.

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#7 Kiaser Wilhelm
October 28 2009, 01:43PM
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Ninjafoot wrote:

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....pooooorrrkk

**drools all over shirt**

So last year it was the "avian" flu, and this year it is the "swine" flu. Will next year be the "bovine" flu, or something more exotic?

Actually, the "Bovine" flu craze went under the name of BSE, and has steadily destroyed the Albertan Beef industry for the last six years. And as for that kid french kissing the pig in the top picture. . . kid, all I'm going to say is that's probably the worst idea since Brian Burke traded away what will be the first overall pick in 2010.

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#9 The Towel Boy
October 28 2009, 01:52PM
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I heard swine flu shakes babies.

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#10 Victoria
October 28 2009, 01:59PM
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Nice choice of pictures, Wayne. It doesn't look so much like Madonna's trying to look younger as she is trying to look like that pig in the first pic.

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#11 Milli
October 28 2009, 02:04PM
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Ever heard of whork???/ Think Pig crossed with whore!!!! Well, had a bad case of Whork Flu, now that's something to be scared of.

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#13 AlbertaRanger
October 28 2009, 02:12PM
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First comes the H1N1 vaccines, then comes the zombies... At any moment -- or 28 days from now -- all of those people who spent hours to get a shot in the arm will turn into brain-eating monsters.

H1N1, forget it. It's H1Z1 now!

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#14 AlbertaRanger
October 28 2009, 02:13PM
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Brains, brains, I need brains...

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#15 Librarian Mike
October 28 2009, 02:14PM
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Wanye wrote:

I heard the Swine Flu is being bought by Daryl Katz for triple what the market value is believed to be.

I heard that Swine Flu slept with Tommy Salo's wife.

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#16 cableguy - 2nd Tier Fan
October 28 2009, 02:44PM
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Librarian Mike wrote:

I heard that Swine Flu slept with Tommy Salo's wife.

i heard that the swine flu causes people to go to chris prongers house and burn baby cribs

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#17 BarryS
October 28 2009, 02:44PM
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- Most human communicable diseases originated and originate in the domestication of animals and the resulting close contact with them. This is why most new diseases start in countries where humans and animals live in close contact.

Therefore if we killed all the animals we would be more healthy. More hungry, but with fewer diseases. Of course we would have to kill all the people in the warm countries so they don't the produce and we could get fruits and veg in the winter. Can't have them foreigners eating all our food.

Oh, humans slowly starve to death on a full fruit and veg diet because it takes more energy to digest than you get out of it ????

Darn, wonder what plan B should be? -

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#18 billmad
October 28 2009, 02:49PM
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A little info for everyone.

Vaccines - not nearly as effective as you'd think: http://chemistry.about.com/cs/howthingswork/a/aa011604a.htm

Catastrophic epidemic of the 70's - read about it here (specifically last section): hxxp://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2009/09/28/h1n1-vaccine.html

Smid missed one game and doesn't sound too worried... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to worry about! I'm not going to stop "kissing" pigs on the weekends!

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#19 Librarian Mike
October 28 2009, 02:51PM
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As a video game geek, I can't help but wonder if all this H1N1 hysteria is just an elaborate promotional campaign for Left 4 Dead 2.

Obviously it isn't, but it'd be pretty cool if it was...

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#20 BarryS
October 28 2009, 02:57PM
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billmad wrote:

A little info for everyone.

Vaccines - not nearly as effective as you'd think: http://chemistry.about.com/cs/howthingswork/a/aa011604a.htm

Catastrophic epidemic of the 70's - read about it here (specifically last section): hxxp://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2009/09/28/h1n1-vaccine.html

Smid missed one game and doesn't sound too worried... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to worry about! I'm not going to stop "kissing" pigs on the weekends!

Anybody you know die of Polio, Small Pox, Yellow Fever, Measles or TB lately???

Oh I forgot, people are dying of them again because parents are believing unfounded rumours and aren't vaccinating themselves and their kids again.

The media in general are not produced by people with any real knowledge of the sunjects they report about. They reproduce many of the unfounded rumours people believe. Signed: One who wished the Polio vaccine was developed in 1950 not 1953.

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#21 Bar Qu
October 28 2009, 03:02PM
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billmad wrote:

A little info for everyone.

Vaccines - not nearly as effective as you'd think: http://chemistry.about.com/cs/howthingswork/a/aa011604a.htm

Catastrophic epidemic of the 70's - read about it here (specifically last section): hxxp://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2009/09/28/h1n1-vaccine.html

Smid missed one game and doesn't sound too worried... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to worry about! I'm not going to stop "kissing" pigs on the weekends!

Oh good, a little conspiracy theory to go with my mass panic and overreaction.

Where are the truthers, deniers and Obama-is-Kenyans when I need reliable information.

BarryS,

don't knock eating animals. It is what let the European countries defeat the Mayans and Incas. Jared Diamond has a great take on it in "Guns, Germs and Steel".

Can we get some variation of last season's fire MacT going so we can lobby for the termination of thecaptainethanmoreau? I'd take suggestions.

GoOiLeRs.

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#22 jeanshorts
October 28 2009, 03:03PM
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I saw someone from Health Canada on the news the other day talking about the symptoms of swine flu. And she said something like "well if you have chest congestion, a sore throat, runny nose, cough, these are all swine flu symptoms".

I immediately boarded up all my doors and windows, wrapped everything in plastic and I'm wearing a suit made out of kleenex boxes and garbage bags.

I also have a shotgun ready just in case I do, in fact, start to turn into a zombie.

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#23 BarryS
October 28 2009, 03:07PM
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@Bar Qu

The - - means this was in jest. Among other things I have read Guns, Germs and Steel and his other one, Collapse. Flu is a little different since at all times there is more than one varient floating around. Some people don't get the Flu, good genetics. There are some sat those whose ancestors survived the Black Death are less prone to things like the Flu.

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#24 Chris.
October 28 2009, 03:08PM
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If you don't have a fever: you don't have H1N1. Kids with allergies are being denied a public education thanks to ignorence and cowardice.

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#25 DK0
October 28 2009, 03:12PM
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Librarian Mike wrote:

As a video game geek, I can't help but wonder if all this H1N1 hysteria is just an elaborate promotional campaign for Left 4 Dead 2.

Obviously it isn't, but it'd be pretty cool if it was...

I think you have H1N1 and Zombieland mixed up. After seeing that movie all I wanted to do was run home and boot up Left 4 Dead.

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#26 Ender
October 28 2009, 03:18PM
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Um, to all you talking about vaccinations...

Nobody's forcing anyone to get vaccinated. The flu itself isn't a big concern, like strep throat isn't a big concern by itself. It's the potential complications.

Young, healthy people are dying from this bastard because their immune system is reacting too strongly to it, and effectively drowning their lungs. That seems like a pretty decent concern.

Now, that's a small proportion of the population, obviously. Swine flu isn't going to kill us all. The complications are bad, but rare. The complications from the vaccine are also bad but even more rare.

However, the longer this bastard is in the wild, (ie the more people it can infect), the more likely it is to mutate into avian flu (no, I'm not joking) which is just ridiculously fatal in humans.

If you don't go out into public spaces much, it's likely not an issue. However, if you are on campus or are interacting with hundreds of people a day, and not getting the vaccine because of potential side-effects, you're an idiot.

Hell, I work from home and I still need to get the damn thing cuz my wife is a pediatrician.

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#27 billmad
October 28 2009, 03:29PM
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I'm not telling anyone to stay away from the vacc... just providing a little information.

I'm all for medical/technological advancments, especially considering minor, if any, side effects.

All the hype around this H1N1, including the hacking and coughing in the background during the Oilers interviews, got me curious and those are just a couple of the articles I found this morning that interested me, nothing more.

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#28 David S
October 28 2009, 03:32PM
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@ Ender - Sounds like you should get three or four H1N1 shots if your wife works with kids.

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#29 Poo Czar
October 28 2009, 03:41PM
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Did H1N1 cause Madonna's left bicep to migrate to the outside of her arm?!? The zombieness has obviously taken complete control of that face.

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#30 cableguy - 2nd Tier Fan
October 28 2009, 03:42PM
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David S wrote:

@ Ender - Sounds like you should get three or four H1N1 shots if your wife works with kids.

if his wife works with kids, she probably has to pound back at least a 26'er of whiskey daily to cope.

~and we all know whiskey, apart from being a dynamite birth control method, cures all diseases on contact~

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#31 Bar Qu
October 28 2009, 03:44PM
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BarryS wrote:

The - - means this was in jest. Among other things I have read Guns, Germs and Steel and his other one, Collapse. Flu is a little different since at all times there is more than one varient floating around. Some people don't get the Flu, good genetics. There are some sat those whose ancestors survived the Black Death are less prone to things like the Flu.

I got that and was responding in kind.

Sorry it was so subtle.

As far as good prevention goes, I recommend exposing yourself to every minor pathogen you can in early life. Which means, let your kids eat dirt and kiss the occasional pig. It is good for them.

And vaccinate, of course.

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#32 PartyPooper
October 28 2009, 03:45PM
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I heard Swine Flu is a novel subtype of influenzavirus 'A' that is more contagious than seasonal flu and infected people are contagious for longer than had been thought.

I heard that people should wait at least a day after their fever subsides (usually 3–4 days after the onset of symptoms) before resuming normal activities, but I also heard that they can continue to shed virus for several days after that.

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#33 Ogden Brother Jr. - Team Strudwick for coach
October 28 2009, 03:45PM
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Wanye wrote:

I heard that the swine flu can give your Aids a terminal case of Cancer.

It's THAT serious.

So isn't that a good thing? Wouldn't the cancer kill the aids?

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#34 jeanshorts
October 28 2009, 03:48PM
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Poo Czar wrote:

Did H1N1 cause Madonna's left bicep to migrate to the outside of her arm?!? The zombieness has obviously taken complete control of that face.

Holy crap what the hell is going on there?????

She was on SNL like 3 weeks ago and she looked pretty decent. SCIENCE!

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#35 knobert
October 28 2009, 03:49PM
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@billmad

wow, not kissing pigs will really limit your crunchtime selections at the bar!!!

hahaha sorry you left that door open

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#36 Librarian Mike
October 28 2009, 03:51PM
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@DK0

L4D2 comes out Nov. 17th. I haven't seen Zombieland yet, but I really want to. Then again, it seems the Oilers' locker room is Zombieland these days. (rimshot)

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#37 Poo Czar
October 28 2009, 03:52PM
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Also, I hereby nominate Dr. Randy Gregg the new Edmonton Oilers Surgeon Admiral / 7th defenceman. I care not that he's a knee doctor or whatever, I'm 100% convinced he can get this under control. As his personal caddy in the Randy Gregg charity golf tournament in Leduc in 1987 I can personally attest to both his stellar putting and healing powers. Probably.

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#38 Hemmertime
October 28 2009, 03:56PM
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Im not getting the vaccination. It is only 1.5 months old. No thank you

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#39 RyanB
October 28 2009, 03:58PM
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@Poo Czar

I absolutely slot Gregg in above Staios on the Oilers depth chart. Better cap hit, skates better, and is a doctor. That is a triple threat guy right there.

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#40 I'm a Scientist!
October 28 2009, 04:03PM
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jeanshorts wrote:

Holy crap what the hell is going on there?????

She was on SNL like 3 weeks ago and she looked pretty decent. SCIENCE!

Tsk. Let's not question science in a time like this...

*runs to the UPS store to stock up on bubble wrap and boxes*

mmm...bubble wrap and boxes...

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#41 PartyPooper
October 28 2009, 04:04PM
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Hemmertime wrote:

Im not getting the vaccination. It is only 1.5 months old. No thank you

Yes, this vaccination is... plonk!

I'd much prefer a good '89 Zostavax or even an '03 ProQuad (I suppose a '06 RabAvert would do in a pinch)

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#42 SirFozz
October 28 2009, 04:13PM
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I heard the vaccine makes you gay and irresistable to women at the same time. Where with h1n1, you remain straight but repulsive to women. Oh the cruel irony. Tough choice.

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#43 RyanB
October 28 2009, 04:20PM
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Actually the vaccine makes straight people gay and gay people Mexican. Everyone moves down a notch.

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#44 jeanshorts
October 28 2009, 04:23PM
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@I'm a Scientist!

Sorry I meant that as a praise of science. If it can turn Madonna from some kind of genetic she-beast, into someone I'd pleasure myself to within the span of a few months, what can't it do?

I actually cheers "To Science!" at the bar at on a regular basis, much to the annoyance of my friends.

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#45 Librarian Mike
October 28 2009, 04:29PM
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@jeanshorts

I actually cheers "To Science!" at the bar at on a regular basis, much to the annoyance of my friends.

And to think, I totally had you pegged as a creationist...

http://www.irishtimes.com/blogs/presenttense/files/2007/07/jesusdino.jpg

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#46 rubbertrout
October 28 2009, 04:40PM
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Ogden Brother Jr. - Team Strudwick for coach wrote:

So isn't that a good thing? Wouldn't the cancer kill the aids?

Only if you supplement the cancer with a side of SARS and Avian Flu.

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#47 Jason Gregor
October 28 2009, 04:44PM
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Don't want Swine Flu? Simple answer: don't eat pork. Right, Gregor?

Wanye You Son of A Bitch...Don't even joke about that you sissy urbanite. Eating pork has nothing do to with it, and the problem is someone dolts actually think that.

If anything you should buy more pork right now, because prices are low. Support our local PORK producers...I just had awesome pork chops for lunch...yummy...and I don't have a fever...

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#48 PartyPooper
October 28 2009, 04:53PM
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@RyanB

What exactly did you mean? Because what you said sounded homophobic and racist.

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#49 RyanB
October 28 2009, 04:56PM
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@PartyPooper

It's a joke and it's from Family Guy

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#50 SirFozz
October 28 2009, 04:58PM
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@PartyPooper

You sure live up to your name.

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