Those who can't do, report on it

The Towel Boy
October 29 2009 06:26PM

A couple weeks ago I was approached by Wanye. He did his usual naked flashing routine form of greeting and afterwards asked me if I could help out with the Nation. I first asked him to close his trench coat and then proceeded to inquire what exactly he had in mind.

I don't know if many of you are aware, but there has been battle brewing within the inner bowels of the internets. A war has been waging for a couple of weeks now, pitting men against children, wives against husbands and Robin Brownlee against everyone else. The war is being fought in the battle arena that is the NationDrafts.com Team 1260 hockey draft.

Which brings me to the point here: Those who can't do, report on it. Wanye asked me to be the embedded reporter in the field and give a run down on the movers and shakers in the Nationdraft.com Team 1260 draft. Each week I'll try and summarize who's rocking and who apparently let me chose their picks. This gig even comes with a sweet title: The Minister of Draft. I like it. Not only will I do my best to report on the goings on in the Nationdraft, but I'll also do my part to ensure the quality and drinkability of the finest ales in our fair land. Mmmmmm beeeer.

I will let you all in on a little secret: I suck at hockey pools. I start looking through all of the available players and I overthink the hell out of my selections. I end up trying to look for those sleeper players. The ones that nobody else would pick because, well, they mostly suck. "But this is the year!" I say to myself. I'm usually wrong. There is nothing better than picking that sleeper player and having him perform well above his abilities. You swell up with pride knowing that you were the one that believed in him. YOU plucked him right out the the pile of the Ovechkins, the Malkins, the Crosbys and the Heatleys. You just knew what you were doing. For some reason, it rarely works out for me.

Draft Update, as of Oct 28/09

Poolies Who Are Bringing It:

We currently have a three way tie for the lead in the Team 1260 NationDraft.

"Carlo Gambino", "Sage11" and "Wiltonclan" are all showing us how it's done by racking up 193 points so far. I suspect some sort of performance-enhancing drugs to be the reason for their hot start. All I have to say to those top three is "Keep your head up." because "Tony Tanti's" is only 1 point back. What a race!

The Top Ten

Rank Team Name
Pts
Pts behind
1. Carlo Gambino
193
0
2. Sage11
193
0
3. Wiltonclan
193
0
4. Tony Tanti's
192
-1
5. The Slippery Petes
190
-3
6. Geaner
190
-3
7. Dude
190
-3
8. Flaming Nots
190
-3
9. KAG
190
-3
10. WulffLaffs
189
-4

Celebrities in the NationDraft:

Rank Team Name
Pts
Pts behind
67. Robin Brownlee
184
-9
207. Jason Gregor
178
-15
676. Towel Boy Vs. Mothra
160
-33
753. The Pacinos (bingofuel)
155
-38
863. Lord Wanye's Steeds
141
-52

(Note: I don't know if Willis or Amber have teams... if they do I can't find 'em.)

Team Names I Like (A.K.A. "Honorable Mention"):

771. Christ Punchers: 154 points back, -39 points back
Hahaha. The only thing I have to say about this team is "good lord."

799. 20 Cent Kanes: 152 points, -41points back
Oh, Patrick Kane jokes will never get old. Is P.K. gonna give use something to make fun of him for every season? Last season he was bawling his eyes out over a coaching change and this season...well...yeah.

877. Zack Stortini's Left Nut: 136 points, points back -57
I searched but couldn't find Zack Stortini's Right Nut in the team list. So I think we can all breathe a little easier knowing both of Zack Stortini's balls aren't playing the NationDraft.

NHL Player Updates

Well so far the money players in our Team 1260 NationDraft have been Ovechkin and Kopitar, racking up 19 and 21 pts respectively. It's no surprise that the top three in our draft have those two in their lineup.

Those of you who picked Ilya Kovalchuk were probably punching things and ripping tags off of mattresses and stuff this week when we learned that Ilya broke his foot. He'll be shelved on the IR until late Novemeber. Yeesh. The top five in the NationDraft all chose Zach Parise over Kovalchuk, so they should be safe for now.

How about Crosby with the hatty the other night?!? Not many of you have the Croz in your lineups. In fact...I'm pretty sure an overwhelming majority of you picked Ovechkin or Malkin over Sid the Kid. Why am I mentioning this then? Not sure, but perhaps "ilikesoup" will rocket up the standings from 687th to the top ten because he's one of the handful of you that picked Crosby. Talk about your sleeper picks!


That's TB's rundown of the Team 1260 NationDraft for the week ending October 28th.

Stay hydrated,
Minister Towel Boy

This message was written in accordance with the guidelines and rules set forth in the Charter of The Ministry of Drafts and is approved by the Minister of Draft.

56616bc412a09c53607f8b0162de222b
Longtime friend of The Nation. Lover of animals, hater of the Calgary Flames. I mostly lurk in the shadows around here. Follow me on Twitter, if you dare: @TheTowelBoy
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#1 Travis Dakin
October 29 2009, 06:37PM
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WTF???? You two timing- NO- THREE timing whore!!! hahaha

awesome work mon frere.

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#2 RossCreekNation
October 29 2009, 06:39PM
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Ahhhhh... 428th

*Got 'em right where I want 'em*

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#3 David S
October 29 2009, 06:40PM
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Oh god. Wanye is beating me. My life is a supertanker of fail.

Signed:

Zack Stortini's Left Nut

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#4 Travis Dakin
October 29 2009, 06:41PM
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AH 591... jeebus.

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#5 Oil Kings 'n' Pretty Things
October 29 2009, 06:44PM
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436. Team Discovery Channel 171 -22

I'll get you, RossCreek, if it's the last thing I dooooo!

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#6 Rigger
October 29 2009, 06:47PM
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771. Christ Punchers: 154 points back, -39 points back Hahaha. The only thing I have to say about this team is "good lord."

Bahahahahah! That is hilarious! On a side note, that person is going to hell, but I'll be there laughing right along with them.

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#7 Harlie
October 29 2009, 06:55PM
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I'm lovin the CP name as well. Nicely played.

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#8 Oil Kings 'n' Pretty Things
October 29 2009, 07:01PM
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My honourable mentions for team names:

1) Team RAMROD - Wonderful Super Troopers reference

2) Sarah Jessica Parker's Face - Because... what's up with that face?

3) Calgary Sucks - because let's face it: Calgary sucks.

4) Flames Suck - see reason #3

5) The Bomb From the Point - because it makes me remember the good ol' days when Sheldon Souray used to play hockey.

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#9 HE Pennypacker
October 29 2009, 07:04PM
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"How about the Devil's Pals?"

Love the Christ Punchers name.

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#10 Ambassador humantorch
October 29 2009, 07:06PM
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If anyone tries to claim that I'm NOT Team Christ Punchers*, I swear to all that is holy I will END them.

*In reality, I'm not even in the pool at all, but still. Wish I was.

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#11 jeanshorts
October 29 2009, 07:17PM
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756. Bonsignore Citizens Brigade 155

Destroying Wanye! EAT IT GRETZ!

Also eff everyone that is ahead of me in the standings. You'll get yours soon enough.

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#12 nicholas
October 29 2009, 07:22PM
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Hey! I'm hoping that's somebody on my hockey team entering as the Christ Punchers because we came up with that name for Name that Tune at the Crown and Anchor.

If it wasn't one of us... somebody is gonna get sued.

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#13 Robin Brownlee
October 29 2009, 07:23PM
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Jeezuz, when I read the headline I thought you'd be writing about what a brutal hockey player I was -- being a sh*tty skater with only the ability to punch other kids in the face in Peewee C house league doesn't make for an NHL career -- before I faked my way through J-school so I could criticize those infinitely better at the game than me.

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#14 Librarian Mike
October 29 2009, 07:32PM
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Librarian Mice at #718.

The only player in my pool who has fewer points than Eric Staal is Stortini (~until he gets his 4 goals tonight~)

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#15 SirFozz
October 29 2009, 07:43PM
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Congrats TB on the new gig.

As for the pool, well, if you're not first, you're last. Unless you're 338th, like me, then that's ok.

GOOILERS Yayyyyyy JFJ!!!

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#18 Amber McCormick
October 29 2009, 08:44PM
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I sort of feel like a Mom sending her kid off to school for the first day of school. It's great to see your name 'in lights' sort of speak.

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#19 daveeed
October 29 2009, 09:18PM
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This is the first time in about 20 years I wished Detroit was somehow in our division! We are bringing it to them tonight! Woohooooooo...perfect night so far as I am drowning my sorrows after finding out my job is being outsourced in a couple months!

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#20 daveeed
October 29 2009, 09:19PM
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P.S. my team name is "yourmomsnipples"

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#21 Dan the Man
October 29 2009, 11:01PM
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#428 Khabibulin's Sweat!!! Wooooooot!!!

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#22 Nail Yakupov
October 29 2009, 11:23PM
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Welcome!

Testing comments. My comments haven't been showing up recently... am I banned? I honestly don't know why and I am hurting inside.

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#23 Smiley
October 29 2009, 11:48PM
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Nail Yakupov wrote:

Welcome!

Testing comments. My comments haven't been showing up recently... am I banned? I honestly don't know why and I am hurting inside.

It's because you touch yourself at night.

Signed: theo fleury's lost innocence

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#24 Deans
October 29 2009, 11:50PM
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I am team Christ Punchers and no I am not on your hockey team. I got the name from a Simpsons episode. It's the one where they try and come up with a name for there biker gang. Moe suggests The Christ Punchers

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#25 BarryS
October 30 2009, 12:22AM
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#875 Grumpy Goalie 136 -57

Grumpy because he has four players with 0 - 4 points. I like the other pools where you can score whore by changing players every week. And to think I started only 39 points back.

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#26 Ender
October 30 2009, 08:30AM
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#585 Team Dragon.

Outgunnin' you for now, Towel Boy. (Although, after you describe your prowess at opool picking, you've kind of sucked the fun out of that boast.)

What the hell was Wanye smokin' when he picked his team? I would really like to hear the logic behind some of his picks . . .

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#27 BUCK75
October 30 2009, 08:39AM
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Oil Kings 'n' Pretty Things wrote:

My honourable mentions for team names:

1) Team RAMROD - Wonderful Super Troopers reference

2) Sarah Jessica Parker's Face - Because... what's up with that face?

3) Calgary Sucks - because let's face it: Calgary sucks.

4) Flames Suck - see reason #3

5) The Bomb From the Point - because it makes me remember the good ol' days when Sheldon Souray used to play hockey.

Sarah Jessica Parkers Face is my team. It is a joke from the Jim Rome Show. Apparently some ppl think she looks like a horse. Normal ppl like myself would look past her horse face if ever given the opportunity...

Another name for my team could have been muffin tops.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikYmwL0YU70&feature=player_embedded#

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#29 Ender
October 30 2009, 10:08AM
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@The Towel Boy

I actually didn't take Kovy or Parise; I opted for that hated Flames guy. Say what you want about our inbred cousins from the South, but Iggy is 9 different shades of durable.

And Carcillo can't have a good November. I gambled on Huggy-Bear, so Carcillo better not be outscoring him. :-)

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#30 Oil Kings 'n' Pretty Things
October 30 2009, 10:26AM
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@BUCK75

She does look like a horse. End of discussion.

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#31 Chickenplucker
October 30 2009, 11:32AM
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@Oil Kings 'n' Pretty Things

Does that make her a HILF?

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