Inaugural address from the 'Shorts

jeanshorts
November 04 2009 08:37AM

Oh, hello everyone. It's your old pal Jeanshorts here. Some of you may know me as that guy who posts nonsensical comments all over OilersNation, talking about anything and everything unrelated to the Oilers. Others probably know me as "Hey you! Get out of my garbage! I'm calling the cops!"

One day, I was walking down the street, waiting for the junior high to get out, when a large, black van pulled up beside me. I don't remember much after that until I woke up, naked, tied to a chair in Wanye's basement. Now I don't know if it's the Stockholm Syndrome or the cocktail of drugs pumping through my system via an IV, but I've decided it was a good idea to start writing a weekly article on this here OilersNation. So without further ado, submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, here is the inaugural edition of "Jeanshorts' First Star, Worst Star."

First Star this week goes to Tomas Kaberle. Now believe me, I hate to give props to anything Maple Leaf, but I'll give credit where credit is due. Dude managed to put up 12 points in 4 games last week. That's a Penner-esque rate of production! That's unreal. Although, I take solace in the fact that even though he was putting up mega points the Leafs still found a way to lose 3 of those 4 games.

Taylor Hall is going to look awesome in a Bruins jersey. I think it's ironic that Leaf fans have been trying to run this guy out of Toronto for two or three summers now, even though he's been the only consistent Leaf since Mats Sundin skipped town to pussyfoot around whether or not he wanted to play again. Not only do you look exactly like my friend's little brother, but you are the only bright spot in a hilariously black hole that is the 2009/10 Toronto Maple Leafs. Now please refrain from passing on this good fortune to anyone else on your team. The more the Leafs lose, the more joy the rest of the country gets.

Worst Star goes out to the Montreal Canadiens fans at the Bell Center on Saturday. There's nothing I love more than seeing Habs fans sitting in stunned silence and Saturday was no different. The Habs were up 5-3 on the Leafs late in the third. And we all know how much those half-euro French Canadians love to chant. They started in with the classic "Na-na-na-na, hey, hey, hey, goodbye" at about the 3 minute mark.

Well wouldn't you know it, just as the chant was reaching a crescendo the Leafs scored to come within one. You could pretty much hear the entire building be taken aback in unison and it was hilarious.

But it gets better.

About a minute later, guess what happened? The Leafs got a lucky bounce and with 45 seconds or so left in the game, we're all knotted up at five apiece. See what happens when you not only start a chant for the 140th time in the game, but you start it way too prematurely Habs, fans? You look like bigger fools than the rest of the league already gives you credit for.

Thankfully the Leafs ended up losing in a shootout, because as I mentioned it's way more fun when they're sliding further into the toilet. Still, I really enjoyed seeing all the smug be sucked out of the building, if only for a few minutes.

Honorable mention to my dad: Dad, please stop texting me 30 times a night whenever there's an Oilers game on, just to tell me how much the Oilers suck and how awesome the Leafs are. The fact that you figured out how to send a text message scares me enough, I don't need the added mental anguish. Now, please, send me money because I'm running low on Kraft Dinner and Powerade.

Comment of the Week — The Menace wrote: "Rask "Tuuka" dump all over the oilers today."

Oh man it still cracks me up. Well played, sir.

75ae3221a8d731ece044e1f6246b2c2d
I like picking up chicks and then not sleeping with them. Follow me @JSBMrevolution.
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#1 rubbertrout
November 04 2009, 08:39AM
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Love the nonsense.

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#2 Librarian Mike
November 04 2009, 08:43AM
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I'll bet I know who's getting your Righteous Sack Beating this week...

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#3 The Towel Boy
November 04 2009, 09:08AM
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You two timing son of a....wait....nevermind.

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#4 BUCK75
November 04 2009, 09:11AM
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Welcome back!

I love the atmosphere in the Bell Center! I highly recommend watching a game there, but I can't figure out why Habs fans still sing that song. They haven't really had any reason to sing that in the past 20 years.

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#5 SirFozz
November 04 2009, 09:24AM
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Inauguaral comment by me to your inaugural address- Good stuff JS, nice to see you back above the comments fold line.

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#6 I'm a Scientist!
November 04 2009, 09:25AM
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Towel Boy AND jeanshorts get positions with the Nation? Wow, this organization is growing faster than...than....hair at an extension convention??? *groan*

Meh...

*grabs some champagne, shakes it up and pops the cork*

It's a celebration bitches! More people writing means more things to read and less time saving the world! Heyoo!

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#7 Ambassador humantorch
November 04 2009, 09:45AM
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I'd crack a Bud Light in honor of JSBM hitting the mat here, but I live in a continent completely devoid of Bud Light, and also that stuff is nasty. How Wanye hasn't died just from the sheer suck of it alone is beyond my comprehension.

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#8 Poo Czar
November 04 2009, 10:03AM
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Ah, so this is where the "classy" jeanshorts content will reside. Should make for more filth over at JSBM, yes?

Also, don't go all Willis on us with "NHL" coverage on this here Oilers place of Oil and hockey and whatnot.

Still, a triumphant return!

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#9 BarryS
November 04 2009, 10:08AM
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Whoa, what's this? The Nation is going big time or what? Hard core reporters, fluff reporters, female view reporters, humour writers, all we need is a restaurant critic and a astrology column using the starts to predict the results of future games to have a full fledged paperless hockey newspaper. Course a hockey cartoon or two would come in handy though the photoshops with the columns are an adequite replacement.

Keep up the good work.

Course a full time sales guy might be needed if the growth continues. No, I'm not volunteering.

Go Nation, Go Oilers.

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#10 Dan the Man
November 04 2009, 10:44AM
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I love anything that talks about how much the Leafs suck.

Also can I please have my garbage back?

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#11 RossCreekNation
November 04 2009, 10:49AM
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jeanshorts

I like picking up chicks and then not sleeping with them.

LOLZ

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#12 shutout
November 04 2009, 10:50AM
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It's actually fun to read about other team's miseries for a change.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE reading the hundreds of comments on the woes of the Oiler's 4th line. But the Leafs are the gift that keeps on giving. Maybe Burke will offer Kessel and first round picks for Penner? OH, wait a minute, he traded away his first round picks HA HA

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#13 Senator Theo
November 04 2009, 11:10AM
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Jeanshorts - I don't care what the Minister says; you're alright. Please kill or lock up whatever keeps you from writing more here.

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#14 DK0
November 04 2009, 11:53AM
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When i saw the title I got all excited that the sack beatings were back on ON, but even better. Nnow we have 2 weekly columns out of you JS.

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#15 Poo Czar
November 04 2009, 11:59AM
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Senator Theo wrote:

Jeanshorts - I don't care what the Minister says; you're alright. Please kill or lock up whatever keeps you from writing more here.

How is he supposed to kill and lock up Wanye's appetite for legitimate sponsors and income???

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#16 David S
November 04 2009, 12:39PM
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Jeanshorts back at ON in an official capacity????

*Pushes back from desk,leans back in office barka-lounger, clasps hands behind head and beams in anticipation*

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#17 Wanye
November 04 2009, 01:34PM
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We are of the belief that the addition of the 'shorts is a tremendous boost to the fun quotient around here. We miss his contemporary baggedmilk - but as Vanilla Ice once so aptly put it:

"I'm on a roll, it's time to go solo"

And so it begins.

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#18 Hemmertime
November 04 2009, 04:38PM
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I'm a Scientist! wrote:

Towel Boy AND jeanshorts get positions with the Nation? Wow, this organization is growing faster than...than....hair at an extension convention??? *groan*

Meh...

*grabs some champagne, shakes it up and pops the cork*

It's a celebration bitches! More people writing means more things to read and less time saving the world! Heyoo!

Uh oh- more writers = more articles. Stauffers gonna be pissed.

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#19 99thOilerfan
November 04 2009, 06:50PM
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Attn : All Staff of ON.

Please be advised that there will be keys given out to "Senior" Staff.

This washroom will now be known as "the clean one".

Please see Robin Brownlee for your key.*

Regards

Bingofuel*

PS: We HAVE to clean out the fridge, ONCE per week. I will not accept that you are doing an experiment.

*not really

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#20 99thOilerfan
November 04 2009, 06:53PM
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wow!

i USED THE EDIT kEY

wORKed gOOd! tANks

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#21 Wanye
November 04 2009, 07:07PM
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99thOilerfan wrote:

Attn : All Staff of ON.

Please be advised that there will be keys given out to "Senior" Staff.

This washroom will now be known as "the clean one".

Please see Robin Brownlee for your key.*

Regards

Bingofuel*

PS: We HAVE to clean out the fridge, ONCE per week. I will not accept that you are doing an experiment.

*not really

Why is my office boarded up?

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#22 baggedmilk
November 04 2009, 07:55PM
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Oh. My. God. You're back on the Nation. I can't believe Wanye fell for your seduction dance.

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#23 Archaeologuy
November 04 2009, 08:08PM
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Does this mean that Jeanshorts can see my real email address? I cant see this turning out well.

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#24 Wanye
November 04 2009, 08:17PM
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baggedmilk wrote:

Oh. My. God. You're back on the Nation. I can't believe Wanye fell for your seduction dance.

Now who can this be? Baggedmilk, hmmm seems to ring a distant bell. Yes, I used to know a baggedmilk. He ran away to the Island from that Leonardo DiCaprio movie as I recall.

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#27 Travis Dakin
November 05 2009, 01:49AM
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Craig Wark wrote:

Obviously or you wouldn't read jeanshorts.

Let me guess your related to this clown.

Hi Craig. People like you are a why violence can sometimes be tolerated.

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#28 David S
November 05 2009, 09:14AM
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Jeez Craig. Love those huge biceps!

What internet gym are you working out at?

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#29 Wanye
November 05 2009, 09:56AM
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Craig Wark wrote:

Just Ordered:

Hitman to kill jeanshorts.

I know it's cruel but he's horrible and he was way cheaper than Gregor.

I'd write something witty but Craig here has me absolutely terrified into compliance with his every whim on account of how awesome he is.

I pledge my undying allegiance to Craig Wark, Craig Wark Jr and the entire Wark Clan

Command me Sir.

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