First Star, Worst Star: Attempted Vehicular Manslaughter Edition

jeanshorts
December 09 2009 10:17PM

So, I, umm, kind of dropped the ball last week, and I'm sure every single one of you noticed there was no First Star, Worst Star last week. I'm so sorry, and I have no idea how you made it through the week, but I'm glad you guys found the strength to carry on. I think it was worth it though, as this is probably the greatest thing anyone has ever written. And this is coming from someone who hates everything I write!

First Star

First star goes out to Brendan Witt and his ability to absorb a check. From an SUV. Most of you probably remember Brendan Witt as "that guy who hadn't scored a goal in 543 games and then scored two against the Oilers". Remember way back, when Wanye used to use that stupid Slump Buster picture for pretty much every game day thread? Yeah well apparently it rubbed off, except the Oilers have been giving it out to the other team. And Brendan Witt surely enjoyed his sample of it, just like all those guys that have scored their first NHL goals against the Oilers over the last couple years. Can someone look into how many players have done that in the last 3 seasons? I bet it's astronomical!

Anyway Witt was walking around downtown Philly the other day, looking to get his Starbucks on, when out of no where a black SUV adorned with Carolina license plates tore out of an alley, ran through an intersection and plowed directly into him. But instead of taking the easy way out and dying like the rest of us, Witt bent his knees, lowered his shoulder and Hancocked the crap out of the SUV, sending the driver through the windshield and into the back of a conveniently placed paddy wagon. He then dusted off his hands, grabbed a woman and kissed her on the mouth before slowly walking off into the sunset.

Okay, that may not all be true. According to Puck Daddy, Witt was crossing the street to get some sweet, sweet latte when a Yukon made an illegal left turn and careened straight into him. How did he handle it? Mother F'er slid across the hood like Crockett and Tubbs, safety rolled onto the pavement, got up and dusted himself off like nothing happened. Saskatchewan claims they raise some big, tough farm boys, and I guess I can't really argue anymore. He got hit, by a truck! And WALKED IT OFF! Thank god the Isle's weren't in Edmonton that night because I guarantee you he would have scored a hat trick, impregnated all the women in attendance, punched Daryl Katz in the mouth and carried the Gretzky statue home with him.

Good try Peter Laviolette, but it's going to take a little more than getting ran over by an SUV to keep Brendan Witt out of a game. Maybe next time try blowing up a building that he's in. Or convince Garth Snow to trade him to Florida, because one of his own teammates will take him out eventually.

Runner up goes to this guy in some kind of Tier 9 Swedish League. I just found this today, and I couldn't leave it out. It's quite possibly the greatest save ever made by an Oilers goalie.



The Stavanger Oilers, but an Oiler none the less.

Worst Star

Worst Star goes to the Edmonton Oilers for always doing the exact opposite of what I'll hope they'll do. I, like so many of you, come into every season with so much optimism and hope it's almost disgusting. Even if they finish last place and come into next season with an identical roster, I'll still find a silver lining in there. And then, inevitably, the Oilers start to lose, and lose often. And then I get sad, and then mad, and then hungry, and then sad again. At least this year they started the losing early, so we can save ourselves the grief of having our heartbroken when they miss the playoffs by one point in the last game of the season. But of course, just as soon as I come to terms with the fact that this team is most assuredly going to miss the playoffs, and they are situating themselves in a great spot to land a top 3 draft pick this summer, they turn on the jets and string together 4 wins in a row. Of course they couldn't do this a month ago when I was in full on "defend the Oilers to the death regardless of how bad they are playing" mode. No they had to do it when I had lost almost all hope of them turning the season around. Don't get me wrong, deep down inside I'm really enjoying the fact that they've finally been playing well. I'm also happy that we are keeping pace with the Canucks and still staying ahead of the Leafs. But come on man. TAYLOR FREAKING HALL! How awesome would he look cruising down the wing with Eberle in tow?

At the end of the day I guess it is win/win. I can't be mad at the Oilers winning, because, come on, I'm still a fan regardless of how well or crappy they're playing. And if/when they start to slump again I can be happy that they might finally have something to show for a 4th season in a row out of the dance. But Oilers, please, if you could choose one direction and stick with it that would be great. Either play horribly all the time so we can nab some hot, young talent, or play great/competiative all the time so we can get back in the mix. At the very least make the games entertaining. Thank you.

Quote Of The Week

So I've been a little busy lately and I haven't been as eagle eyed as I should be when it comes to sniffing out the creme de la creme of the comments. So for that I'm sorry. I'll try and pick it back up this week. This one is kind of a cop out since it was birthed just a few hours ago, but considering the raucous conversations in the GDB today and the fact that we got an uncensored look at Principe tonight, it definitely fits.

The Menace Wrote:
Gene texted me and told me "Don't post any lies, and keep your Hans...to yourself."

*One clap so loud it causes Gene to lose his ability to conjure up puns*

Soap Box

And now I'd like to take this time to put forth something from my own agenda. Dakin and I, along with some of the other goons that frequent the game day thread over at JSBM figured that we might as well get out of our parents basements for once, and watch hockey wearing pants. So on Dec. 28th, the Oilers are playing the Flames, and we are heading down to The Pint on Jasper Ave to stuff our faces full of wings, our livers full of alcohol and to just act like jackasses. And you're all welcome to join us! I'll bring a sharpie because I know you guys will be clamoring for autographs. So come on down and hang out with your favorite internet quasi-celebrity and watch the Oilers "douse" the Flames!

75ae3221a8d731ece044e1f6246b2c2d
I like picking up chicks and then not sleeping with them. Follow me @JSBMJeanshorts.
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#1 RossCreekNation
December 09 2009, 10:27PM
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Where's the after-party?

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#3 freeze
December 09 2009, 10:33PM
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Hi-larious.

Bummer that I'm out of town for that game, otherwise I'd come down some pints.

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#4 douggy
December 09 2009, 11:37PM
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didnt matt greene get hit by a truck while the oilers were on the stanley cup run?

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#5 douggy
December 09 2009, 11:37PM
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didnt matt greene get hit by a truck while the oilers were on the stanley cup run?

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#7 David S
December 09 2009, 11:53PM
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Another Grade A post there JS. Man. Like it or not, you've got some writin' skilz.

I'm pretty choked I won't make the Pint debacle. It would have been fun to crush a few with you guys. This is all Dakin's fault. And I'm pretty sure Kevin Lowe had something to do with it too.

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#8 Ben Dover
December 10 2009, 01:21AM
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@Jeanshorts

You are obviously a "true" fan, which begs the question: Why are you wishing for losses?

Perhaps you should order this new 3rd jersey design to wear proudly as you hope for the boys to lose another one so they can finally land a pimply faced phenom to change the fortunes of our beloved team.

http://wabshirts.com/t-shirt.php?shirt_id=19

It may not be popular at home games, but it's sure to get you laid (if you finally choose to do so) in CGY or VAN. It would also make you easily visible at the Pint on the 28th.

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#9 French Wanye
December 10 2009, 01:38AM
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Oui oui! Tres bon!

*makes suggestive Oinking noises and immediately surrenders to nearest soldier*

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#10 Travis Dakin
December 10 2009, 07:48AM
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Sweetness a party!

The day Matt Greene got hit by that car on Whyte Ave. I fell in love with him. I knew he was going to be good for the Oilers. Damn I miss that guy. I guess Visnovski is a decent consolation prize.... I guess.

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#11 rubbertrout
December 10 2009, 08:36AM
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Jeanshorts, Too bad you missed last week because I was sure the comment about asking which shoulder Hemsky injured because he and Horcoff could have been taped together to make a 9 million dollar player should have won.

I can't recall who did it but it made me spit coffee out of my mouth.

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#12 Ender
December 10 2009, 08:59AM
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Like almost everyone on here, I am a rabid Oiler's fan. That said, it absolutely kills me that they won again last night.

It's just like being in high school where the hottest girl on the cheerleading squad starts whispering to you all the time that she wants to do unspeakable things to you under the bleachers. At first, you dismiss her because you know she's just having fun at your expense. But the whispers and the notes keep coming, and she looks so serious . . .

Somehow in the back of your mind you know this is going to end with your pants around your ankles as two-dozen of her closest friends and most of the football team point and laugh, but you want so desperately to believe her . . .

Let me tell you, the Oilers these last four games are that same pretty girl with the angelic smile. That's yearbook cover material in the making, boys and girls, and I'm not doing that again. I'll enjoy the girl for what she is, but I'm smart enough to stay grounded in the reality that the best time of my life is not on the horizon.

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#13 rubbertrout
December 10 2009, 09:17AM
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Ender wrote:

Like almost everyone on here, I am a rabid Oiler's fan. That said, it absolutely kills me that they won again last night.

It's just like being in high school where the hottest girl on the cheerleading squad starts whispering to you all the time that she wants to do unspeakable things to you under the bleachers. At first, you dismiss her because you know she's just having fun at your expense. But the whispers and the notes keep coming, and she looks so serious . . .

Somehow in the back of your mind you know this is going to end with your pants around your ankles as two-dozen of her closest friends and most of the football team point and laugh, but you want so desperately to believe her . . .

Let me tell you, the Oilers these last four games are that same pretty girl with the angelic smile. That's yearbook cover material in the making, boys and girls, and I'm not doing that again. I'll enjoy the girl for what she is, but I'm smart enough to stay grounded in the reality that the best time of my life is not on the horizon.

Sounds like someone learned his lesson in high school.

Fool me twice . . . shame on me!

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#14 Dan the Man
December 10 2009, 10:01AM
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Anyway we could get a transcript of the play by play on that save?

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#15 Oildrop89
December 10 2009, 10:18AM
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Would love to go to The Pint, down a couple of gallon table kegs and watch the game. But crazily enough I have tickets for that night, so I'll be at Rexall downing 8$ beers while watching hockey.

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#16 The Towel Boy
December 10 2009, 10:22AM
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Dan the Man wrote:

Anyway we could get a transcript of the play by play on that save?

"Hooda boo de bort al lack!!!"

"OHhhhhhhohohohohohoh"

"Borten tribba allan burt?"

"ahhhhahahahahah....flurden lurden!!! ahahahah"

"Bort."

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#17 Smiley
December 10 2009, 10:23AM
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Dan the Man wrote:

Anyway we could get a transcript of the play by play on that save?

I believe it was something like this:

Swedish Chef #1: Bjork bjork bjork!

Swedish Chef #2: BJORK! BJORK BJORK!

Swedish Chef #1: Bjork, bjork?

Swedish Chef #2: Bjork.

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#18 The Towel Boy
December 10 2009, 10:26AM
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Smiley wrote:

I believe it was something like this:

Swedish Chef #1: Bjork bjork bjork!

Swedish Chef #2: BJORK! BJORK BJORK!

Swedish Chef #1: Bjork, bjork?

Swedish Chef #2: Bjork.

Your attempt at humour is insulting to my Swedish heritage.

May the ghost of Leif Ericson swallow your soul.

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#19 JorgeR
December 10 2009, 10:41AM
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@douggy

Ha my friends claims to have seen Matt Greene get hit. He didn't know it was him until after but said his body rag dolled across the road and over the curb. Right by Iron Horse I believe. I miss Greene, funny guy that Greene.

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#20 I Miss Stanley
December 10 2009, 11:14AM
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Greene is tough, obviously not as tough as Witt as he did have to miss games due to his pedestrian vs SUV incident. When they listed game scratches due to injuries it went something like: Player A (upper body), Player B (concussion), Matt Greene (hit by truck). I can't hear his name now without thinking "hit by truck".

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#21 Travis Dakin
December 10 2009, 11:36AM
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If you are going to the game feel free to come AFTER the game. Me and jeanshorts will be closing that place down. Come for a good time.

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#22 Senator Theo
December 10 2009, 12:45PM
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Woot! I'm 1 comment of the week closer to winning that pair of homemade Jeanshorts!

There is a prize at the end, right? And it is jeanshorts, no?

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#23 bigrroberto
December 10 2009, 01:12PM
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Its so refreshing to read a piece as finely thought out as this one. haha.

In all seriousness very funny and that save was incredible.

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#24 Amber McCormick
December 10 2009, 07:43PM
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Dare I attend on the 28th? I dunno, I heard that Jeanshorts has "busy hands"

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#26 Travis Dakin
December 10 2009, 09:04PM
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Amber McCormick wrote:

Dare I attend on the 28th? I dunno, I heard that Jeanshorts has "busy hands"

Don't worry about him, I'll keep his hands occupied.... why is it that everything I say comes out like that? Dammit....

What I'm trying to say is yes, please dare.

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#27 The Towel Boy
December 11 2009, 08:14AM
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You know...the 27th is my birthday....I could be persuaded to get fershnickered.

...that is if I can skip work on Tuesday...and find a sitter....and something for my wife to do....and....FML.

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