Lessons from Texas

Wanye
March 17 2009 12:07PM

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In an attempt to shake off the late-winter-damn-the-oil-suck blues we decided to go to Dallas last week and watch Erik Cole and his beloved Hurricanes play some southern hockey. One of our Wanye Goals™ in life is to see a game in all 30 cities in the NHL.

This is actually quite achievable given that we have:

a) no family b) no assets c) no interest in acquiring either a or b anytime soon

As a result of this lifestyle, American Airlines Centre was arena number 11 for your ol pal Wanye. We had given some serious thought to actually going to see Cole in Carolina but that is where *the thing* happened back in 2006. We shan’t set foot down there any time soon thank you very much. Instead we boarded the ol auto-gyro for the home of Slim Thug, Paul Wall and the Dallas Stars. For those of you who follow us on twitter you already know all of this and were unfortunately treated to a series of rambling picture attached tweets as we wandered around Texas. That's being connected for you!

*dead silence among non twitterers*

Talking with fans

One of our favorite things to do when we go on a road trip to watch games is go and get in the face of the local fans. This is particularly entertaining when the Oil themselves aren’t playing in the game, yet we are all in the face of the fans with our Oilers gear, asking Oilers related questions and lecturing them on the many ways their local squadron pales in comparison to the greatest team on Earth.

We had one of our better encounters after being on the hunt all night for a Canes fan wearing a Cole jersey. Our original intention had been to buy him/her a beer and discuss our collective favorite hockey player. In the bar at the AA Center after the game, the OilersNinja spotted exactly that and we made a bee line for a 50-ish dude from Raleigh who had made his way to Texas to see Stars v Canes. It's important to bear in mind at this point that we had already attended this St. Patty’s day block party at SMU earlier in the day:

smuparty

In addition we had also gone for pre-game tequila shots at a place called La Condesa and had crushed a good half dozen hockey beers during the game.

In our mind the conversation went something like this:

WG: Good evening fellow Erik Cole fan. Care to sit and reminisce on our the hockey player for whom we share a common affiliation?

ColeFan: Of course my good man. Care to have a snifter of port whilst we converse?

In reality the conversation started something like this:

WG: BLARGGGGH! You love Erik Cole?? Me too, and I came here from way the hell up in Edmonton to see him play and remember when you idiots won the Cup in 2006? Were you able to tear yourself away from NASCAR to watch the game long enough to see them raise the Cup? You dirty SOB *hiccup* you don’t ev-

ColeFan: Uh, who the hell are you exactly? You smell like a bottle depot. Why are you so pale? When was the last time you saw the sun?

WG: Oh sorry! I guess you forgot *waves arms around wildly* that hockey was invented, refined and dominated by CANADIANS in CANADA. *assumes bar fight position while yelling unreasonably*

Luckily our boy Bruce was a good sort and was able to talk us down off the ledge and get us into a semi coherent state where we stopped weeping openly about Cole’s departure. Then he told us the most interesting story.

The Erik Cole Story

It’s little secret that Cole was very popular in Carolina. He had played there for a long time (insert stats here) and was a member of that damned Canes squad that won the Cup in 2006 after cheating and betting on themselves to win.* Little did we know though that 'Canes fans actually credit Cole for the win in '06. Our boy Bruce was shocked that we were an avid Erik Cole fan. As he put it: “I am surprised that you are a Cole fan. Did you know that everyone in Carolina basically gives him credit for the Canes being able to finally put away the Oilers in Game 7 of the finals? His return was a big inspiration and most of the team listed his return as the reason that Carolina was able to win the Cup. When he got traded to Edmonton my buddy and I laughed that it would be like if the Oilers had won the Cup that year and Pisani had been dealt to Carolina. We wouldn’t have wanted him in a Canes jersey and we were amazed the Oilers would even trade for him.”

Now obviously we were so shocked we needed to have a drink. After we had bought our boy Bruce a beer too, we continued our conversation and we laughed heartily at Pitkanen being a Cane and then brought Cole back up again. We explained to Bruce that whether Cole was the reason that the Canes had won the Cup or not, we had enjoyed him in Edmonton despite the fact he was having a tough time and that he seemed to be turning the corner when he got dealt.

Bruce was quick to put us in our place on that one too. “When Cole left all us Canes fans were in shock. That Pitkanen is no good” *to which we laughed heartily again* “and Cole was a big deal. But as the season wore on the rumors got louder and louder that he was coming back to Raleigh. Right around the time that the rumors got the loudest – mid February – was when Cole really turned it on so that he could get the deal he wanted which was back to the 'Canes. When he returned it was though he had never left and it was all a bad dream.”

Bad dream? Stanley Cup winning inspiration? Showcasing himself for a trade? Had always intended to go back to Carolina? What in the sweet holy hell is going on here Nation?

If there is one thing we can’t stand it’s people who put their own names on the back of their Oilers’ jersey. If there is another thing we can’t stand it’s an unloyal sissypants who tries only when it suits his selfish needs. If Cole’s desire was to return to Carolina the entire time he was here then we say good riddance to disloyal rubbish.

So in conclusion screw you Erik Cole. You caused the Oil to lose the Cup, you came here on a temporary basis and used your Jedi Mind trickery to make us into fans. Then you stuck around for awhile, played well below your potential and bounced back to whence you came which your fans believe was your intention all along. Worse yet we personally picked you as our star for the year and defended you for close to 6 months.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, Erik Cole you’re dead to us.

*dusts of hands, tears off Erik Cole underwear and lights them aflame*

*this is true look it up

Sean Avery’s place

avery2

Whoa! See this pic right here? That’s Sean Avery’s condo in Dallas. Apparently it’s the most gigantic penthouse around complete with a half-sized NBA basketball court inside the condo. Apparently being a complete and utter asshole is a lucrative business. It puts a new and even more annoying spin on Avery who also has cribs in New York and LA. "Think I am a mean spirited hack" he could say "why don't we settle this on the basketball court. The one inside my condo in Dallas."

Wowzers.

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Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 442Junkie
March 17 2009, 12:26PM
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Wow! You're really swearing off Cole? Talk about a watershed moment. Now this isn't some situation where publicly you swear him off. Secretly, somewhere in your house you still have a shoebox that holds a towel that he used to wipe the sweat away after a Pricipe post period interview. Not to mention the salad he never finished that night at Earl's when you "happened" to be there the same time he was for eighth straight time...

For serious you've sworn off this Benedict Arnold?

*Shakes head in "not until I see it for myself" disbelief*

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#2 442Junkie
March 17 2009, 12:30PM
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*Principe* Stupid spelling.

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#3 The Towel Boy
March 17 2009, 12:30PM
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I'm so glad you're back!

*hugs Wanye...steals wallet*

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#4 MSG
March 17 2009, 12:30PM
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I knew you'd come around!

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#5 Mother Pucker Hockey
March 17 2009, 12:34PM
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"ColeFan: Of course my good man. Care to have a snifter of port whilst we converse?"

HAHAHAHAHAHA

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#6 Thenosebleedsection.
March 17 2009, 12:48PM
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So since you swore off Cole does that mean Grebs can be releaved of his title? :P.

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#7 Gene Principie's Pubic Hair
March 17 2009, 12:49PM
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I saw my master's name?!!?! Whats up?

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#8 I'm a Scientist!
March 17 2009, 01:08PM
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"So in conclusion screw you Erik Cole." - WayneGretz

Wow... Who saw this coming?

*Mails an American dollar bill to the Towel Boy"

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#9 Greg MC
March 17 2009, 01:10PM
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Sorry it had to come to that about Cole, Wanye, but it is for the best. You might not think so now, but give yourself time...

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#10 baggedmilk
March 17 2009, 01:15PM
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Classic, Wanye. My favorite part is the hazy pictures due to what I assume is weather or a sh*t blackberry. Either way they create the illusion that we are drinking beer alongside you.

*turns up Dropkick Murphy's to 10, and quickly turns it down when mom starts yelling*

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#11 Amber McCormick
March 17 2009, 01:30PM
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@ Wanye:

I'm so proud of you. Letting someone go is a hard thing to do. I remember when Jason Smith left me. I mean, he left the city and all the fans but I thought what he and I had was real. I guess I hoped we could make the long distant thing work.

I'm glad to say that I've let it go. Sure I feel those old feelings again when I see him but it's different now. At least that what I tell the autographed photo of him on my nightstand.

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#12 Wanye Gretz
March 17 2009, 01:56PM
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@ 442Junkie:

This is legit. I even did my eviction ceremony with the old "ashes to ashes" and everything

@ The Towel Boy:

Ha ha! Jokes on you. All my wallet contains is a half filled Subway club card and a picture of jeanshortsandbaggedmilk kissing.

@ Thenosebleedsection.:

One disaster shan't begat a second disaster. Grebs is still the goat. Unlike Erik Cole I am loyal to the death.

@ I'm a Scientist!:

TB makes a buck? I'm upping my rates on Shitanusly.

@ baggedmilk:

I know! What is with those pics? It was really overcast and gross out, but the ol' berry doesn't take pics like it used to either... probably a bit of both.

@ Greg MC:

Now I have no star, no fond memories and no Erik Cole underwear. Damn.

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#13 Wanye Gretz
March 17 2009, 01:57PM
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@ Amber McCormick:

Thank you for your kind words. I also remember Jason Smith, or as I called him Studly Wonderbomb.

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#14 Thenosebleedsection.
March 17 2009, 02:01PM
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@ Wanye

Good I like cheering Baaaah when he gets the puck.

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#15 The Towel Boy
March 17 2009, 02:02PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Ha ha! Jokes on you. All my wallet contains is a half filled Subway club card and a picture of jeanshortsandbaggedmilk kissing.

...what makes you think I was after money...?

*stares longingly at JS&BM erotic photo...while eating 6" sub*

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#16 Andrew W
March 17 2009, 02:07PM
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One error has been corrected, Mr. Gretz, but when will you come around on Grebeshkov? Somehow you didn't notice when his goat horns fell off at the end of last season, and mistakenly tried to stick them on him again this year. Clearly they belong to somebody else at this point - no 27 seems like a good candidate...

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#17 BUCK75 - FMNF
March 17 2009, 02:24PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

ColeFan: Uh, who the hell are you exactly? You smell like a bottle depot. Why are you so pale? When was the last time you saw the sun?

HAHAHA - you got it half right, North Carolina residents don't know what a bottle depot is - beer cans & bottles go into the garbage.

Good on you for going to 11 NHL cities! I have only attended games in Raleigh, Calgary, Montreal & Edmonton. I remember when I was 26 4 years ago & shared your same dreams...

*tear runs down cheek - chugs a green colored luck lager*

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#18 Andrew W
March 17 2009, 02:26PM
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Aw crap, I missed the comment and reply to Thenosebleedsection about Grebs. It's a shame Gretz won't reconsider because "the goat" has been one of the better players lately.

If Mr. Gretz won't change his goat, he seems obliged to pick a new favourite, doesn't he? Either the Colossal Fossil or Big Sexy seem like decent candidates, especially with Hemmer looking uninspired these days...

What do you say, Mr. Gretz? Do you have anybody to appoint as the heir to the throne, or must we wait until next year?

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#19 Wanye Gretz
March 17 2009, 02:30PM
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@ Andrew W:

My favorite part is how you call me Mr. Gretz. Please Andrew - call me "Your Excellency." We are all friends here.

I have to live by my calls that I made at the beginning of the year. It's a tricky business. I hate my star now - HATE HIM - but he remains my star until the end of the year and my goat must remain my goat too.

What would you rather - that I stay loyal to my picks and my team or flip flop around and change my alliances whenever convenient?

I can't do that. I won't do that. I CAN'T do that.

Grebs is a goat who wears a bell and eats trash. Hopefully he is sent to the farm where goats belong.

BAAA

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#20 baggedmilk
March 17 2009, 02:36PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Ha ha! Jokes on you. All my wallet contains is a half filled Subway club card and a picture of jeanshortsandbaggedmilk kissing.

Umm that picture... errr.... doesn't... ummm... exist...

*cries at the memory of what he had to do for his cell phone bill to get paid*

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#21 Robin Brownlee
March 17 2009, 02:38PM
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Amber McCormick wrote:

@ Wanye: I’m so proud of you. Letting someone go is a hard thing to do. I remember when Jason Smith left me. I mean, he left the city and all the fans but I thought what he and I had was real. I guess I hoped we could make the long distant thing work. I’m glad to say that I’ve let it go. Sure I feel those old feelings again when I see him but it’s different now. At least that what I tell the autographed photo of him on my nightstand.

Let Cole go? Right. It's only a matter of time before Wanye is arrested by the Carolina constabulary after being discovered outside Cole's palatial estate in his van, wearing a crusty No. 26 jersey, weeping incoherently and stinking of Lysol and cheap women.

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#22 The Towel Boy
March 17 2009, 02:44PM
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Robin Brownlee wrote:

It’s only a matter of time before Wanye is arrested by the Carolina constabulary after being discovered outside Cole’s palatial estate in his van, wearing a crusty No. 26 jersey, weeping incoherently and stinking of Lysol and cheap women.

Just another weekday for our ol'pal Wanye. God love'em.

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#23 Andrew W
March 17 2009, 02:46PM
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Your Excellency,

You'll have to forgive me for posting this, but it's impossible to resist sharing this outrageously funny clip. Mr. Staples, over at the Cult of Hockey, brought it to my attention, and it would be a travesty not to share it with the Nation. Many members of this site seem to share my dark sense of humour.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ss1JTK7JUts

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#24 GSC
March 17 2009, 02:47PM
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Wanye,

Now that you've returned "even the nights are better."

Whenever I get back to Edmonton, we're going on a man date.

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#25 The Towel Boy
March 17 2009, 03:04PM
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Andrew W wrote:

Your Excellency, You’ll have to forgive me for posting this, but it’s impossible to resist sharing this outrageously funny clip. Mr. Staples, over at the Cult of Hockey, brought it to my attention, and it would be a travesty not to share it with the Nation. Many members of this site seem to share my dark sense of humour. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ss1JTK7JUts

hahahahaha....I've seen the "xbox live" version of that one b4...nice to see it's been adapted to the FMNF campaign.

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#26 Wanye Gretz
March 17 2009, 03:07PM
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@ GSC:

Man date approved! If anyone else wants to have a beer we are throwing it down at Hudsons this Friday once again. $2 for every redeemed ticket goes to Kids with Cancer.

@ Andrew W:

That is a most fantastic film. German is such a lovely language. Thanks for the post!

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#27 Andrew W
March 17 2009, 03:32PM
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I'd love to find out who created it so that I could buy him or her seven pints. A good laugh is worth at least that much.

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#28 Wanye Gretz
March 17 2009, 03:37PM
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@ Andrew W:

I have emailed him or her via YouTubes to see what's poppin on that front.

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#29 Amber McCormick
March 17 2009, 03:51PM
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Robin Brownlee wrote:

Let Cole go? Right. It’s only a matter of time before Wanye is arrested by the Carolina constabulary after being discovered outside Cole’s palatial estate in his van, wearing a crusty No. 26 jersey, weeping incoherently and stinking of Lysol and cheap women.

I bet you Eddie Money that at this very moment Wanye is doing all of the above, only the location is different. That and he's painted "FREE CANDY" on the side of the van.

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#30 GSC
March 17 2009, 04:07PM
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@ Wanye:

I'll be there by this time...next year?

Being in the States and at such a distance from E-Town sucks, but I am at the beloved Alma Mater of Shawn Horcoff, Anson Carter, and R.E.M. Murray...so I've got that going for me, which is nice.

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#31 MikeP
March 18 2009, 08:19AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

What would you rather - that I stay loyal to my picks and my team or flip flop around and change my alliances whenever convenient?

Wanye, not only that, but by keeping Grebber as your goat, you get to be wrong *twice*. That's *consistency* my man, and consistency means good. Just ask any sportswriter.

You're on your way to tha mutha-effin Cup, bro!

Remember me when you're a star!

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#32 Wanye Gretz
March 18 2009, 09:00AM
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@ MikeP:

Unable to determine if you are being sarcastic or not I am going to err on the side of caution and say you aren't. Had the Oilers lost I would have been in a bad mood today but instead I am going to pretend we are sharing a joke.

*laughs heartily, opens first beer of the day*

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#33 alphah
March 18 2009, 09:17AM
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Wanye you are probably drinking your first Soy Good of the day whilst awaiting your capuccino latte and nibbling on some himalayan goat cancer and reading the New Yorker.

Cole wanted to stay in Edmonton (at least til the end of this season). Unfinished business. True men don't kill coyotes (unless they're from Phoenix).

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#34 Wanye Gretz
March 18 2009, 09:20AM
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@ alphah:

Now THIS I find offensive. One doesn't read the New Yorker, one experiences the New Yorker.

How gauche

*puts on fur coat, lights cigar with a $100 bill*

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#35 MikeP
March 18 2009, 12:22PM
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Wanye, I'm never sarcastic! I'm hurt you would think so.

Yes, we can share a joke, as long as you share your beer - I'm almost out.

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