A night of treachery and deceit

Wanye
March 27 2009 09:29AM

wtf-ak471

We will go uh... WTF  for $500 Alex.

A: On March 26, 2009 this team shot itself directly in the foot, losing 3-2 to the Phoenix Coyotes.

Q: Who are the damned Edmonton Oilers of 2009?

If you've just woken from a doctor-induced coma and are seeking to catch up with the world since you were put under, we can bring you up to speed pretty quickly on everything you have missed in the past 10 years:

  1. Britney Spears was a teenage popstar.
  2. She rose to the top of the world with her sweet, demure nature and sexy looks.
  3. She then went completely crazy, nailed half of the paparazzi in LA, shaved her head and trashed a car with an umbrella.
  4. When all was lost, she sold her soul to Satan and quickly rose to the top of the pop world again, with her demure nature and sexy looks.
  5. The Phoenix Coyotes beat the Oilers last night 3-2, scoring a goal for every Phoenix fan in attendance in Glendale. Britney’s thoughts on the matter are unavailable as of press time.

There. Now that we're all on the same page we can proceed with railing against how awful the Oilers are and worse.

Let’s get this straight

Dwayne Roloson started in net AGAIN? Really MacT? You do realize Roloson is older than you right? You do realize that if the Oil manage to get out of their own way and somehow make the playoffs your starting goalie will already have the fatigue level of a 7th-game Cup appearance. You do understand this right?

We could go on about the Oilers losing until the cows come home. But even greater treachery is afoot. Coupled with the Oilers losing, it is probably the greatest attack on our values that we have suffered in a single evening in quite some time.

The worst thing ever

As we have been known to do on most Thursdays we went and played some poker with the boys. It's 51% beer, 40% “something” and 9% poker and on nights when the Oilers play it can go downhill very quickly.

wickedworm2

Last night, the Oilers were busy in the long and torturous process of gassing a game that they could afford to lose. Your ol’ pal Wanye, on the other hand, was coming off a win the last time we played poker and we were busy slow playing the table to a second place finish whilst drinking our usual 58 Bud Lights.*

We go to the fridge to grip a beer and it was at this point in time the absolutely unthinkable occurred.

This:

bl21

At first blush this may look like nothing more than another soldier about to get crushed by your ol’ pal Wanye en route to another world class poker performance. But upon closer inspection Members of the Jury, you will note two key facts:

Exhibit A: This can remains unopened – note the sealed top. Exhibit B: There isn’t a drop of beer in the can.

Is anyone else’s mind just completely blown by this? Is anything sacred anymore? An empty Bud Light can shipped in a case to some devil-may-care Canadian Poker Sensation? Uh WTF?

A pair of losses

We're at a loss to explain how the Oil could show up with as little emotion or skill as they did last night, with the playoffs on the line and facing one of the worst teams in hockey. We can’t even begin to explain how in the hell the fantastical beer Oompaloompas at the magical Bud Light factory somehow allowed one of their delicious cans to escape unfilled.

This is an absolute outrage and it won’t stand. Doesn’t anyone care about professionalism anymore? Is anyone interested in competing on a night in and night out basis anymore? Or is everyone just mailing it in and rushing home to watch American Idol?

Make a note in the log: March 26, 2009. The night both the Oilers and Bud Light completely failed us.

*The cold and crisp taste of BLs are not being endorsed in the least in this article.

A non-Bud-Light-Scandal-related note

As we have never it discussed prior to right now, no one knows that the official band of the OilersNation is a band called Toast. No one knows this, but they totally are. Our boy Chris basically runs most of E-Town with his crazy band and they recently performed a jam called “Smile On,” on CityTV’s Breakfast Television last Monday morning. Completely unsolicited by Chris we are going to demand everyone able to walk, run or drive should make their way down to the Crown & Anchor pub in Castledowns and witness musical history this weekend.

But if you order a Bud Light at the concert make sure it isn't already empty. Cause that totally can happen.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 Archaeologuy
March 27 2009, 09:40AM
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*sits forward on couch with shoulders slouched. stares at tv screen watching highlights of the loss for the 5th time. sighs. listlessly picks up his ak-47 and fires imaginary rounds in the air only to find that even they offer no solice. suddenly feels the urge to buy a tie and forgets all about the pretend russian rifle. the oilers have killed his inner child and apparently his ability to capitalize letters.

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#2 bcjames
March 27 2009, 09:41AM
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I don't know what's more disturbing: The Oilers ineptitude, or your choice of wobbly pops. C'mon, Bud Light? Really?

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#3 Chaz
March 27 2009, 09:42AM
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Thanks Wayne. I needed some humor and perspective.

* Comes in off the ledge of his office building.

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#4 Chaz
March 27 2009, 09:43AM
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Also, for the record I blame the last couple of games on Souray shaving his playoff beard.

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#5 Rick
March 27 2009, 09:44AM
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Hate to say it but, serves you right. Bud Light? Pfffft

Ohh and it wasn't just her head that Britney Spears shaved....

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#6 jeanshorts
March 27 2009, 09:44AM
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Looks like SOMEBODY wishes they were American. And is watching their figure.

What's that first picture? I assume it's just another round of Thursday night White Boy Breakdance Showdown®, but I'd like to think your friend was trying to drive himself straight through to the basement to avoid having to watch anymore of that craptacular debacle last night.

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#7 Wanye Gretz
March 27 2009, 09:51AM
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@ bcjames: @ Rick:

Are you serious? Have you ever had a Bud Light? Have you ever had 30 Bud Lights in one sitting? Absolutely zero bloating. I convert people to Bud Light like Tom Cruise converts people to Scientology:

Quite regularly and I starve Katie Holmes in the process.

@ jeanshorts:

First of all that wasn't a breakdance showdown. It was a worm competition. And it wasn't last night either. It was at a party my boy Lavinskidine put together. His wife later threw out the guy in the picture for being too buckled. He wandered the streets like a ghost for about an hour in sub zero temps and we all thought he had been pinched by the fuzz.

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#8 Wanger
March 27 2009, 09:52AM
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Yeah, Bud Light? What colour panties do you buy from Wal-Mart?

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#9 The Towel Boy
March 27 2009, 09:53AM
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For some reason, I have a craving for a cold, crisp, refreshing Bud Light. It's the best selling beer in America. A 12 ounce serving contains 4.2% ABV and 110 calories.

The difference is drinkability.

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#10 Wanye Gretz
March 27 2009, 09:53AM
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Wanger wrote:

Yeah, Bud Light? What colour panties do you buy from Wal-Mart?

I haven't bought underwear in years. Your mom usually leaves a pair behind when I throw her out of my house in the morning. They are about 12 sizes too big, but with a little sewing I can make them work.

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#11 Wanye Gretz
March 27 2009, 09:54AM
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@ The Towel Boy:

See? Towel Boy gets it.

*flips him a quarter for choosing the right beer*

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#12 David S
March 27 2009, 09:57AM
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The biggest question is - plastic on the poker table? Who wears the pants over there anyways??? Mua-hahaha!

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#13 OvenChicken8
March 27 2009, 09:59AM
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~MacTavish you are my hero. I love you like Ovechkin likes assists.~

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#14 SquidRx
March 27 2009, 10:02AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Wanger wrote: Yeah, Bud Light? What colour panties do you buy from Wal-Mart? I haven’t bought underwear in years. Your mom usually leaves a pair behind when I throw her out of my house in the morning. They are about 12 sizes too big, but with a little sewing I can make them work.

Nice! Bud Light and Mom jokes. Now that's how to start off a Friday!

*Shotguns a BL, belches, and scratches crotch*

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#15 The Towel Boy
March 27 2009, 10:05AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

*flips him a quarter for choosing the right beer*

*jumps in air, catches quarter as film pauses and 80's commercial jingle for Bud Light plays*

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#16 I'm a Scientist!
March 27 2009, 10:13AM
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I think that the empty Bud Light is an excellent metaphor for our team. On the outside, they look like something great. Something that can take away our stress at the end of the day by quenching our thirst for a victory.

But then, when they are ready for duty and you reach out to that cool can in the fridge, you only find that they are empty. They have NOTHING in them. The whole act of reaching out to them feels like a complete waste of energy and time... and yet, you know you will be back for another one on another day. Hopefully though the Wobly Wonka at Budvilla filled up that can and the right team shows up.

Funny how art imitates life.

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#17 Abdullah the Butcher
March 27 2009, 10:17AM
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Have you seen the emergency wards of the hospitals in the Capital Health Region? They're full.

Full of Oiler fans getting on the bandwagon and falling off again. Over and over and over again.

All season long this happens. We win one and the ON is full of posts about the world beaters this team has become.

A loss and the opposite. The end of the world is at hand.

It should be clear by now that this team plays to the level of it's opposition and little bit lower.

We have a culture of losers in the Oil management and team. This team doesn't know how to win anymore. They don't know how to impose their will. They are reactionary.

Whatever the opposition does, determines how they play.

I am so looking forward to the major house cleaning that will be coming in the next couple of years.

Kevin Lowe, you have fooled people for long enough about your management skills and hockey sense. It's been nice.

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#18 Poo Czar
March 27 2009, 10:18AM
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The plastic on the table makes it look like there will be a post-game murder.

And for Goodness sakes, if you really need to drink a light beer, make it a Heineken like a respectable person. For added pomposity, wear a monacle and/or an ascot.

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#19 bingofuel
March 27 2009, 10:25AM
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@ I'm a Scientist!: You, sir, are a poet.

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#20 shakey
March 27 2009, 10:25AM
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Wanye, it looks like that can fell victim to the Bic pen shootgun. Maybe the fantastical beer Oompaloompas at the magical Bud Light factory were witness to a recent Oilers game and needed to drown their sorrows.

It's official Oilers, I usually get (and take) a free pass from the wife when there is a hockey game on. I'm not expected to 'talk just for the sake of talking'. I don't have to watch Jon and Kate plus 8 and I get to swear and yell at the TV (Deep Oil yelling at a stop sign style) as long as our daughter is in bed. But after last night and honestly, most of this season, I'm not being your b*tch anymore. I've made the effort, the Oil haven't. You've killed my spirit by watching this crapfest all year. I honestly can't wait for the suffering that is your season to be over.

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#21 Wanger
March 27 2009, 10:27AM
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Thanks Wanye! Just wanted to see if I could get a response from ya....and you didn't disappoint! No hard feelings, I never knew my mom, but she probably was a slut.

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#22 I'm a Scientist!
March 27 2009, 10:33AM
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bingofuel wrote:

@ I’m a Scientist!: You, sir, are a poet.

Oh stop.

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#23 Chris
March 27 2009, 10:37AM
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I'm so mad at every single Oiler right now it's a good thing I don't have that AK-47! People say you have to get rid of the coach because you can't replace every single player...right about now I wish we could replace EVERY SINGLE PLAYER! You hit some posts...BOOO FREAKIN HOOOOO! There is no excuse...NOTHING you can say to your fans right now that justifies your failure to skate. SKATE! AAAAAGGGHHHHH! Give the trainers a TASER. How can any of those guys even look Joey Moss in the eye?

I said this one blog roll over... There is a culture of losing in this organization. The Oilers had such a great start (Like the Islanders) but 17 straight years of ineptitude: CULTURE OF LOSING. There is a problem when the dream of every young hockey player is to break into the league with a team like Edmonton, be given a lot of responsibility right away, and then move on to a real organization upon free agency for a chance to contend...

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#24 Lenny Bamboo
March 27 2009, 10:40AM
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@ Abdullah the Butcher: i agree totally. K Lowe has signined one good contract in his career and that was Hemsky. you only need to look at Horc and Penner to see how the rest have worked out. lets hope and pray for a house cleaning that will never come.

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#25 Harlie Chuddy
March 27 2009, 10:44AM
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So KLowe states publicly that Ryan Smyth isn't an elite player and he trades him away. Only to watch our first line fall into disarray for two years. Then he deals away our two best faceoff and PK guys in Jarret Stoll and Marty Reasoner. Then they trade away our best backup that won us many many OT games last in Garon. Missing the playoffs this year should be no surprise when you look at the history of this team's trades over the past few years.

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#26 Archaeologuy
March 27 2009, 10:45AM
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Hey guys, The journal is reporting that the KHL is trying to poach our top prospect in the Swedish League. Is it too much to ask that they poach the coach or our first line centre?

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#27 Zamboni Driver
March 27 2009, 10:49AM
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@ Harlie Chuddy: The worst thing about the Smyth nonsense (and I think K-Lowe is right, Smyth is a GOOD player, but not elite) - the results and backlash led to the utter cluster.... that is 7 million for the faceoff specialist.

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#28 offside
March 27 2009, 10:49AM
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But really, aren't all cans of Bud Light 'empty'?!?!?

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#29 Chris
March 27 2009, 10:50AM
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"We are running out of defeats"

MacT. Post game comment.

*Relayed to you by a fan weeping openly on a bed of freshly delivered though probably invalid playoff tickets*

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#30 MJ
March 27 2009, 10:52AM
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An empty Bud Light tastes worlds better than if that craptacular beer was inside. I'd rather imagine what a real beer tastes like than have to suffer through one of those lady beers.

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#31 Nickler
March 27 2009, 11:04AM
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@ Archaeologuy: I agree I haven't jumped off the bandwagon in those 17 years but I am clinging to the tailgate....can't take much more of this.

Why do people purchase americian and european beer when there is the best premium beer in the world sitting right there, and it's Canadian! is OV not cool or something?

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#32 Wanye Gretz
March 27 2009, 11:08AM
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@ Wanger:

Eeek. Now I am super vulnerable about making fun.

*vulnarable mom joke regret begin now*

@ MJ:

You sir are a rascal. I would meet you for 100 paces with pistols at dawn to settle this matter however:

a) dawn is too early b) pistols are out dated c) 100 paces is too far to walk to do anything really

Take note Bud Light haters. You can all bite me.

Let's put it to a poll. Let's see who likes what beer. What are the poll options.

a) Bud Light

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#33 442Junkie
March 27 2009, 11:14AM
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bingofuel wrote:

@ I’m a Scientist!: You, sir, are a poet.

Um no, he's a scientist. It's right there in his name...

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#34 r59
March 27 2009, 11:15AM
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I would rather drink my own whiz than have a Bud Light. I will propose

b) Kokanee

Ranger or not - best beer out there.

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#35 Rick
March 27 2009, 11:16AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Let’s put it to a poll. Let’s see who likes what beer. a) Bud Light

But I thought the poll was supposed to be about who likes what Beer?

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#36 BUCK75 - FMNF
March 27 2009, 11:18AM
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I think the MT can of bud light is a ringing endorsement of just how "light it is. You can slam back beers so fast you didn't know you drank them...

*awkward pause, crickets chirping*

I didn't watch much of the game, the parts I did watch they stunk - the parts I missed they scored goals. Ridiculous that these guys still take nights off against teams they need to beat to get into the play-offs.

If they lose tonight I think the tickets I had delivered to me for the play-offs yesterday will be just like "2009 Arizona Cardinal Superbowl Champs" t shirts that people in Ethiopia are wearing now. A nice conversation piece.

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#37 I'm a Scientist!
March 27 2009, 11:22AM
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@ 442Junkie: Good point. This goes against the left brained - right brained theory. I can only be one.

I'm a Scientist!

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#38 Harlie Chuddy
March 27 2009, 11:23AM
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@ Zamboni Driver:\

I agree that Smyth may not be elite and KLowe was right in his remark but that doesn't change the fact that our first line was dependable and our best line every night when it was 94,10,83. Now it's a constant carousel with players in and out of that line trying to find chemistry. And exactly, the Whiffocff contract is a fricken abortion.

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#39 Tricksnard via twitter
March 27 2009, 11:24AM
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Labatt 50 edges out Steamwhistle in a squeaker.

Retweeted by Wanye Gretz

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#40 olderthendirt
March 27 2009, 11:27AM
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time for Zack, Mack , JJ (they couldn't do any worse)and ell them to show some emotion (and deal some bruises out). 6 points in the next 3 games and (almost) all is forgiven.

This is a young team and sometimes it shows, but some vets are not stepping up and leading. Sam G. is a 19 year old 2nd year pro, he shouldn't have to be the teams go to guy for scoring yet.

By the time I return from Punta Cana will only be two games left, hope I have something to cheer about. 1st round, as we back in should be Detroit. If ever there was an elite team that could fail it's Detroit with their goaltending. (I didn't count the Flickers as an elite team).

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#41 Chris
March 27 2009, 11:28AM
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"It wasn't horrible.... we just weren't able to score early... that was the difference in the game." -Ethan Moreau. Team Captain.

"There's not many opportunities to lose games anymore." -Sheldon Souray. Assistant Captain.

Culture of losing. The Oilers aren't playing to win. They are trying to limit losses... It's NOT the same thing. Oh, and Ethan... It WAS horrible. The rhetoric of letting this one go, and focusing on the next one, etc... only rings true if you DO focus on the next one! Try playing for the entire 60mins for once... Every player on this team is tradeable this offseason. There needs to ba an attitude adjustment.

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#42 Malc
March 27 2009, 11:29AM
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I like all of the outrage every night when the oil lose, but really... I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that we were in 7th place going into last night's game. How is that even possible? Oh you crazy oilers...

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#43 shakey
March 27 2009, 11:30AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Let’s put it to a poll. Let’s see who likes what beer. What are the poll options.

Wayne, I'm on the Bud Light wagon. I don't think I drink nearly as much as you do (as if that would be possible) but if there's beer in the house it's usually the B.L. This by the way drives the F-in-Law nuts as he's an old school Sask. farmboy and the word 'Light' should never be in the same sentence as beer.

As a disclaimer if I'm out and it's there, I drink Guiness.

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#44 Eddie B.
March 27 2009, 11:31AM
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PILSNER!!!!!

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#45 Archaeologuy
March 27 2009, 11:36AM
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I'm a Scientist! wrote:

Good point. This goes against the left brained - right brained theory. I can only be one. I’m a Scientist!

could you skirt the issue by writing poetry in binary?

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#46 bingofuel
March 27 2009, 11:36AM
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@ Eddie B.: Pilsner is my weapon of choice on game nights. Excellent pick, bearded stranger.

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#47 Poo Czar
March 27 2009, 11:38AM
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Not once have I ever handed somebody a Newcastle Brown Ale and had them not love it. It is the perfect beer.

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#48 Milli
March 27 2009, 11:39AM
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Wayne, What the diference between bud light and an empty bud light exactly?

Hey, maybe that's why the boys are so soft....they drink bud light too!!!!!!!!

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#49 Poo Czar
March 27 2009, 11:40AM
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And did anyone else notice the Oil only need 13 out of a possible 16 points to get to that magical "92 points and you're in the playoffs" line?

OPTIMISM!

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#50 Quinn
March 27 2009, 11:41AM
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shakey wrote:

Wanye Gretz wrote: Let’s put it to a poll. Let’s see who likes what beer. What are the poll options. Wayne, I’m on the Bud Light wagon. I don’t think I drink nearly as much as you do (as if that would be possible) but if there’s beer in the house it’s usually the B.L. This by the way drives the F-in-Law nuts as he’s an old school Sask. farmboy and the word ‘Light’ should never be in the same sentence as beer. As a disclaimer if I’m out and it’s there, I drink Guiness.

I expect that is why you are called shakey.

Wonderful food that Guiness.

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