A night of treachery and deceit

Wanye
March 27 2009 09:29AM

wtf-ak471

We will go uh... WTF  for $500 Alex.

A: On March 26, 2009 this team shot itself directly in the foot, losing 3-2 to the Phoenix Coyotes.

Q: Who are the damned Edmonton Oilers of 2009?

If you've just woken from a doctor-induced coma and are seeking to catch up with the world since you were put under, we can bring you up to speed pretty quickly on everything you have missed in the past 10 years:

  1. Britney Spears was a teenage popstar.
  2. She rose to the top of the world with her sweet, demure nature and sexy looks.
  3. She then went completely crazy, nailed half of the paparazzi in LA, shaved her head and trashed a car with an umbrella.
  4. When all was lost, she sold her soul to Satan and quickly rose to the top of the pop world again, with her demure nature and sexy looks.
  5. The Phoenix Coyotes beat the Oilers last night 3-2, scoring a goal for every Phoenix fan in attendance in Glendale. Britney’s thoughts on the matter are unavailable as of press time.

There. Now that we're all on the same page we can proceed with railing against how awful the Oilers are and worse.

Let’s get this straight

Dwayne Roloson started in net AGAIN? Really MacT? You do realize Roloson is older than you right? You do realize that if the Oil manage to get out of their own way and somehow make the playoffs your starting goalie will already have the fatigue level of a 7th-game Cup appearance. You do understand this right?

We could go on about the Oilers losing until the cows come home. But even greater treachery is afoot. Coupled with the Oilers losing, it is probably the greatest attack on our values that we have suffered in a single evening in quite some time.

The worst thing ever

As we have been known to do on most Thursdays we went and played some poker with the boys. It's 51% beer, 40% “something” and 9% poker and on nights when the Oilers play it can go downhill very quickly.

wickedworm2

Last night, the Oilers were busy in the long and torturous process of gassing a game that they could afford to lose. Your ol’ pal Wanye, on the other hand, was coming off a win the last time we played poker and we were busy slow playing the table to a second place finish whilst drinking our usual 58 Bud Lights.*

We go to the fridge to grip a beer and it was at this point in time the absolutely unthinkable occurred.

This:

bl21

At first blush this may look like nothing more than another soldier about to get crushed by your ol’ pal Wanye en route to another world class poker performance. But upon closer inspection Members of the Jury, you will note two key facts:

Exhibit A: This can remains unopened – note the sealed top. Exhibit B: There isn’t a drop of beer in the can.

Is anyone else’s mind just completely blown by this? Is anything sacred anymore? An empty Bud Light can shipped in a case to some devil-may-care Canadian Poker Sensation? Uh WTF?

A pair of losses

We're at a loss to explain how the Oil could show up with as little emotion or skill as they did last night, with the playoffs on the line and facing one of the worst teams in hockey. We can’t even begin to explain how in the hell the fantastical beer Oompaloompas at the magical Bud Light factory somehow allowed one of their delicious cans to escape unfilled.

This is an absolute outrage and it won’t stand. Doesn’t anyone care about professionalism anymore? Is anyone interested in competing on a night in and night out basis anymore? Or is everyone just mailing it in and rushing home to watch American Idol?

Make a note in the log: March 26, 2009. The night both the Oilers and Bud Light completely failed us.

*The cold and crisp taste of BLs are not being endorsed in the least in this article.

A non-Bud-Light-Scandal-related note

As we have never it discussed prior to right now, no one knows that the official band of the OilersNation is a band called Toast. No one knows this, but they totally are. Our boy Chris basically runs most of E-Town with his crazy band and they recently performed a jam called “Smile On,” on CityTV’s Breakfast Television last Monday morning. Completely unsolicited by Chris we are going to demand everyone able to walk, run or drive should make their way down to the Crown & Anchor pub in Castledowns and witness musical history this weekend.

But if you order a Bud Light at the concert make sure it isn't already empty. Cause that totally can happen.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#51 Harlie Chuddy
March 27 2009, 11:42AM
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I'm a Bacardi Gold & Pepsi guy at home. Out on the town I like my beers dark and cold (guiness, amber's, ales etc). If I'm damn thirsty and I need to drive after i go for the Coors Lights as two of those bring a small clean buzz. At home the Coors Lights are used as starters to be followed up with Red Wine at dinner to be followed up with Rum and Pepsi and if I feel like turning into a hairlip and pushing over some motorbikes after leaving a bar in vancouver after power drinking in twenty minutes then it is good ole Rye and Coke. Gibson's is good but I'm a Crown man.

*cues the Parkay margarine commercial and the King's crown magically appears on my dome. Dun Dede Dun!*

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#52 Chris
March 27 2009, 11:43AM
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I drink (in no particular order) Heinekin, Canadian, Stella, Kokanee, OV, Keiths, Corona, Miller Genuine Draft, Pilsner, Honey Brown, Moosehead, and any beer available in a friends fridge... except for beer with the word LIGHT on it.

It helps to drink when you are a fan of the MIGHT Faltering OIL. (Am I comming off a little bitter?)

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#53 Wanye Gretz
March 27 2009, 11:43AM
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@ Milli:

Oh Milli. Not you too.

@ Poo Czar:

How many of these 16 will the Oil actually collect? 10? 8? -24? Is there a Corsi Number we can use for this?

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#54 Archaeologuy
March 27 2009, 11:44AM
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I feel totally left out. I'm allergic to beer.

I can only drink hard alcohol.

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#55 sittingatmydesk
March 27 2009, 11:45AM
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WTF!!! bud light, seriously.....

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#56 Wanye Gretz
March 27 2009, 11:46AM
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Chris wrote:

(Am I comming off a little bitter?)

Know what isn't bitter?

The clean and refreshing taste of an ice cold Bud Light

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#57 Chris
March 27 2009, 11:50AM
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sittingatmydesk wrote:

WTF!!! bud light, seriously…..

In a CAN no less. Gretz... You are a savage.

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#58 Chris
March 27 2009, 11:51AM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

Coors or Canadian at RX1?

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#59 kingsblade
March 27 2009, 11:53AM
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I vote Warthog.

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#60 Milli
March 27 2009, 11:54AM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

Wayne.....i'm just so shocked and sadened....how do u ever make it through a game drinking Rx beers? But hey, tomorrow, when I'm in VEGAS, ya Vegas baby, I will give your Bud light a try....

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#61 Nickler
March 27 2009, 11:54AM
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British, Irish, Light whatever....

The best tasting beer on a hot summer day or watching the Oilers gas another opportuntiy, is OV !!!!

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#62 kingsblade
March 27 2009, 11:54AM
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Trad if Warthogs not available.

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#63 Harlie Chuddy
March 27 2009, 11:55AM
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When I think of Bud Light I think of trailer park living mullet man with his bud shirt and ball cap on while he swills brews and chews cud from the front seat of 1979 Camaro. And Coors Light is brewed from some KuKluxKlan loving german named Adolph. So I'm not sure which is cooler to drink? But if Wanye likes crushin the Bud's then maybe that's cool enough for me to switch! (now where do you keep your camaro stashed Wanye?)

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#64 Nickler
March 27 2009, 11:56AM
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@ Milli:

You should also try Miller Lite, it tastes great and is less filling.

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#65 Chaz
March 27 2009, 11:57AM
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Here are a few of my Beers:

MGD -Ah the sweet taste of liguid gold in the summer Months will allow me to move on from this debacle of a season.

Newcastle Brown-when you need comfort and warmth from a cold beer.

Asahi Super Dry-goes well with just about any food, but especially sushi.

Pilsner-Simple, yet perfect beer, plus you can spend hours trying to find all of the rabbits. Good clean fun without utensils.

Golsch (SP?) - I only like this beer for the funky re-fastinable tops.

That's it, I'm calling an audible; Time to leave work and go drink beer. I'll be a puddle by game time.

Goilers! I still love the Boys.....Kind of how parents "love" their snotty adolescent teenagers.

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#66 I'm a Scientist!
March 27 2009, 12:02PM
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Archaeologuy wrote:

I’m a Scientist! wrote: Good point. This goes against the left brained - right brained theory. I can only be one. I’m a Scientist! could you skirt the issue by writing poetry in binary?

You...just...blew...my...mind!

*looks around the office all googly eyed, ensuring no bits of cranial debris landed on any important world saving sciencey documents*

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#67 Chris
March 27 2009, 12:02PM
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Chaz wrote:

Golsch (SP?)

Grolsch. A premium Dutch pilsner since 1615... add that to my list.

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#68 I'm a Scientist!
March 27 2009, 12:03PM
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Too much beer talk, not enough Britney talk. Wait... the level of beer talk is fine, we just need more Britney talk.

She is hot huh? What I wouldn't do to have 5 mintues alone with her in my lab...

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#69 Archaeologuy
March 27 2009, 12:05PM
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Chris wrote:

Grolsch. A premium Dutch pilsner since 1615… add that to my list

There are only two things i cant stand in this world. 1) people who are intollerant of other people's cultures. 2) the Dutch.

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#70 Harlie Chuddy
March 27 2009, 12:06PM
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@ Archaeologuy:

well played!

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#71 shakey
March 27 2009, 12:07PM
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I'm a Scientist! wrote:

What I wouldn’t do to have 5 mintues alone with her in my lab…

Paw at her shoulders and smell her hair?

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#72 BUCK75 - FMNF
March 27 2009, 12:08PM
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@ Milli:

When in Vegas drink Bud Lime or Miller Chill.

Just my opinion, if you're going to be wasted all day drink beer you can't get in Canada.

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#73 shakey
March 27 2009, 12:11PM
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@ Quinn: It's not that far off actually.

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#74 Milli
March 27 2009, 12:15PM
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@ BUCK75 - FMNF: Nice...and ya, I plan on bein wasted all day!!!!

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#75 Wanger
March 27 2009, 12:16PM
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Don't feel bad Wanye! Plus, I'm going to make an admission...last time I spent a week in Seattle, I drank nothing but PBR Beer (Pabst Blue Ribbon), which is pretty close to Bud Lite. When the sun is shining, and you're bobbing up and down on a boat in the harbour, it's brilliance. There's a few places in town that have it...well worth the search to lay your hands on some.

To hockey - I was frustrated with the game last night. Really, really frustrated. The Oil need to make a contract revolution (not signing RFAs again). How about this: all players get $1 million for the season. Then add performance incentives, varying by the value of the player, for goals, points, and...whether or not they make the playoffs, and how deep they go! I know we hate to think these players main driver is money, and not the pride of winning a cup, but after 70-some games, when i've got my $4 Mil in my pocket, knowing I'm pulling in an extra few hundred thousand for playing more games...sad to think it, but these guys might feel that way.

I know it ain't gonna happen, because the Player's Association would have to lose their mind to agree to that, but talk about a way to align the player's best interest (financially) to what the fans want to see...an inspired, driven team, whose pride, and wallets, depend on their performance.

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#76 I'm a Scientist!
March 27 2009, 12:16PM
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shakey wrote:

Paw at her shoulders and smell her hair?

Err... yes.

*hides head in shame for his uncool seduction abilities*

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#77 shakey
March 27 2009, 12:21PM
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@ I'm a Scientist!: It'a okay Doc...we can't all have the moves wit da' ladies like our pal Wanye.

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#78 Colin-FMNF
March 27 2009, 12:22PM
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I like Stella, Kokaneeeeeeee gold, Sleeman or big rock as my beer of choice.

The Oilers last night are like the girl in the bar thats too old and very mannish looking; there just isn't a way to drink enough beers to make it look good.

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#79 David S
March 27 2009, 12:23PM
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Becks, my good man. They had those cool aluminum bottles until just recently. That was the shizt.

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#80 Colin-FMNF
March 27 2009, 12:23PM
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shakey wrote:

@ I’m a Scientist!: It’a okay Doc…we can’t all have the moves wit da’ ladies like our pal Wanye.

Drunken yelling and ass fondling are moves now?

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#81 shakey
March 27 2009, 12:28PM
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Colin-FMNF wrote:

Drunken yelling and ass fondling are moves now?

There are other moves?

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#82 AlBundy
March 27 2009, 12:29PM
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Slow down you folks. It's only one game. Oilers will come back strong tonight and they will remain in the race right up to those two final games with Calgary, that they will lose.

Tell me this, one of the best Oiler players other than Roli has been Zack. How come he sits when Reddox draws in, Poulet draws in? I realize Zack can't skate like those two but he brings energy unlike those two.

With Fred and Rod making those comments about Hemsky last night, do you think KLowe will tell them to shut up. Rod doesn't care cause he's gone at the end of the year but Fred must be very nervous today.

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#83 pmg2
March 27 2009, 12:32PM
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Abdullah, regarding your quote below. I tend to agree on some fronts, ....but please see my piece written last night (following your quote). It basically says it in a small nutshell. (...and by the way,...I'm not one of those guys who jump off and on). I just don't have any belief in this team or the organization. AND....I won't be watching them tonite either. Win or Lose ! Abdullah the Butcher wrote:

Have you seen the emergency wards of the hospitals in the Capital Health Region? They’re full. Full of Oiler fans getting on the bandwagon and falling off again. Over and over and over again. All season long this happens. We win one and the ON is full of posts about the world beaters this team has become. A loss and the opposite. The end of the world is at hand. It should be clear by now that this team plays to the level of it’s opposition and little bit lower. We have a culture of losers in the Oil management and team. This team doesn’t know how to win anymore. They don’t know how to impose their will. They are reactionary. Whatever the opposition does, determines how they play. I am so looking forward to the major house cleaning that will be coming in the next couple of years. Kevin Lowe, you have fooled people for long enough about your management skills and hockey sense. It’s been nice.

on March 26, pmg2 wrote: This team just doesn’t have the horses ! Period !!! They are dealing all season long with management mistakes, player underachievements, inconsistent-uninspired play, and a poor overall system. Stick a fork in ‘em !! This team is pitifully pathetic, which is why I stopped watching them well over a month ago !!! When players say (in newspaper) “they were okay for the first 58 minutes on Tuesday, except for the last 2-3 minutes (against Detroit), …that’s all I needed to see as to where the mentality level is with these guys. What a Joke !! They were outworked and outplayed for 40 minutes for christ sakes !!! Rollie was the only one making a game of it for as long as he did

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#84 Colin-FMNF
March 27 2009, 12:35PM
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AlBundy wrote:

Slow down you folks. It’s only one game. Oilers will come back strong tonight and they will remain in the race right up to those two final games with Calgary, that they will lose. Tell me this, one of the best Oiler players other than Roli has been Zack. How come he sits when Reddox draws in, Poulet draws in? I realize Zack can’t skate like those two but he brings energy unlike those two. With Fred and Rod making those comments about Hemsky last night, do you think KLowe will tell them to shut up. Rod doesn’t care cause he’s gone at the end of the year but Fred must be very nervous today.

One?? I count 39 in the loss 'o' meter up top. Plus they just shat the bed 3 games in a row. Not exactly just one game no matter how you spin it. This team has snatched defeat from the clutches of victory far too many times this season to say just one game. If they had just beaten teams they should have beaten they would be in the divisional race. Its just pathetic, a culture of losing and mediocrity. Enough is enough.

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#85 baggedmilk
March 27 2009, 12:37PM
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No votes for Big Bear? Hmm...

*cries hysterically while draining love rocket into bottle drinks and doesn't notice difference*

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#86 shakey
March 27 2009, 12:41PM
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@ AlBundy: Sadly I've also felt that this is going to be how the season ends for us. Being 'there' right until the end only to have the sister-humpin' hillbillies put the final two nails in the coffin.

I agree about Zack, not the best skater but does something positive most shifts and brings some energy that this team is brutally lacking. He's not going to directly win us a game but his energy could rub off on some of the passengers on the other lines. But MacStupid would rather put in Pouliot or Reddox because while they don't help you, they also don't hurt you. A perfect Mac-ism, play safe, no risks regardless of possible rewards.

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#87 jeanshorts
March 27 2009, 12:44PM
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baggedmilk wrote:

No votes for Big Bear? Hmm… *cries hysterically while draining love rocket into bottle drinks and doesn’t notice difference*

Remember that time our friend, let's call him "Steve" drank that bottle of piss? Yeah, good times.

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#88 baggedmilk
March 27 2009, 12:46PM
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jeanshorts wrote:

baggedmilk wrote: No votes for Big Bear? Hmm… *cries hysterically while draining love rocket into bottle drinks and doesn’t notice difference* Remember that time our friend, let’s call him “Steve” drank that bottle of piss? Yeah, good times.

If you're going to talk about that douche canoe you can't use the word friend in the same sentence.

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#89 Mike Krushelnyski
March 27 2009, 12:54PM
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They wanted a classy message board.

Losers...

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#90 Harlie Chuddy
March 27 2009, 01:00PM
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@ Mike Krushelnyski:

yeah I guess we lost the classy tag as soon as Wanye brought up Britney Spears.

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#91 BUCK75 - FMNF
March 27 2009, 01:15PM
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jeanshorts wrote:

baggedmilk wrote: No votes for Big Bear? Hmm… *cries hysterically while draining love rocket into bottle drinks and doesn’t notice difference* Remember that time our friend, let’s call him “Steve” drank that bottle of piss? Yeah, good times.

Has everyone pissed in a big bear bottle & gave it to the drunk guy? Wow, I thought I was the only guy :(

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#92 Archaeologuy
March 27 2009, 01:17PM
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@ Harlie Chuddy: also classy...me, accidentally eating the wax paper that seperates the slices of cheese i bought yesterday. ugh.

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#93 BURKEtheTURD
March 27 2009, 01:22PM
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I thought my night was bad just watching the game, but not getting beer when paying for it and watching the game, thats gotta be a sin.

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#94 Archaeologuy
March 27 2009, 01:26PM
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@ shakey: LOL, that guy was a douche. I am convinced that he simply changed his name to Flamesforcup3. Which doesnt make sense because the Flames only have 1 cup. Im sorta in a battle of minds with oilmanoilfan and bigE right now. I'm trying hard not to hate those guys for loving MacT so much. Its hard but there needs to be less Oilerfan on Oilerfan crime out there.

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#95 The Towel Boy
March 27 2009, 01:26PM
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...I'd just like to throw out my personal fave for beers...Mickey's Big Mouth....mmmmm....5.5% too...and a stubby bottle with resealable lid. So good.

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#96 I'm a Scientist!
March 27 2009, 01:28PM
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@ The Towel Boy: ...and fun little puzzles under the lid that get harder and harder to solve the more you have! Genius!

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#97 OilersNinja
March 27 2009, 01:29PM
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BUCK75 - FMNF wrote:

@ Milli: When in Vegas drink Bud Lime or Miller Chill. Just my opinion, if you’re going to be wasted all day drink beer you can’t get in Canada.

Amen brother, when in Texas drink Shiner Bock, when in Vegas I concur Bud lime but also try the Blue metal bottle of Bud light. When in Cali drink Miller High Life. Denver drink Original Coors. Heck when you in Saskatchewen drink Bohemia and Calgary.

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#98 Zamboni Driver
March 27 2009, 01:41PM
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@ OilersNinja:

Vegas, blue metal bud light, yep. "Only" 7 bucks on the pooldeck - the wife's margarita (granted, getting an icy drink when it's 11 billion degrees ain't the brightest move)...which was pretty much bad tequila and syrup...$14 shatyounot.

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#99 The Towel Boy
March 27 2009, 01:51PM
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@ I'm a Scientist!:

Oh yeah...and when you're drunk, no matter how stupid of an answer you come up with for the puzzle...you think it's right...scratch that...you know it's right.

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#100 The Towel Boy
March 27 2009, 01:54PM
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@ Zamboni Driver:

That's why I do all my drinking at the nickel slots...since drinks are free...slip the waitress a 5 or 10 spot on the 1st drink and then keep giving her singles after that...she will form you into a puddle inside of an hour.

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