A night of treachery and deceit

Wanye
March 27 2009 09:29AM

wtf-ak471

We will go uh... WTF  for $500 Alex.

A: On March 26, 2009 this team shot itself directly in the foot, losing 3-2 to the Phoenix Coyotes.

Q: Who are the damned Edmonton Oilers of 2009?

If you've just woken from a doctor-induced coma and are seeking to catch up with the world since you were put under, we can bring you up to speed pretty quickly on everything you have missed in the past 10 years:

  1. Britney Spears was a teenage popstar.
  2. She rose to the top of the world with her sweet, demure nature and sexy looks.
  3. She then went completely crazy, nailed half of the paparazzi in LA, shaved her head and trashed a car with an umbrella.
  4. When all was lost, she sold her soul to Satan and quickly rose to the top of the pop world again, with her demure nature and sexy looks.
  5. The Phoenix Coyotes beat the Oilers last night 3-2, scoring a goal for every Phoenix fan in attendance in Glendale. Britney’s thoughts on the matter are unavailable as of press time.

There. Now that we're all on the same page we can proceed with railing against how awful the Oilers are and worse.

Let’s get this straight

Dwayne Roloson started in net AGAIN? Really MacT? You do realize Roloson is older than you right? You do realize that if the Oil manage to get out of their own way and somehow make the playoffs your starting goalie will already have the fatigue level of a 7th-game Cup appearance. You do understand this right?

We could go on about the Oilers losing until the cows come home. But even greater treachery is afoot. Coupled with the Oilers losing, it is probably the greatest attack on our values that we have suffered in a single evening in quite some time.

The worst thing ever

As we have been known to do on most Thursdays we went and played some poker with the boys. It's 51% beer, 40% “something” and 9% poker and on nights when the Oilers play it can go downhill very quickly.

wickedworm2

Last night, the Oilers were busy in the long and torturous process of gassing a game that they could afford to lose. Your ol’ pal Wanye, on the other hand, was coming off a win the last time we played poker and we were busy slow playing the table to a second place finish whilst drinking our usual 58 Bud Lights.*

We go to the fridge to grip a beer and it was at this point in time the absolutely unthinkable occurred.

This:

bl21

At first blush this may look like nothing more than another soldier about to get crushed by your ol’ pal Wanye en route to another world class poker performance. But upon closer inspection Members of the Jury, you will note two key facts:

Exhibit A: This can remains unopened – note the sealed top. Exhibit B: There isn’t a drop of beer in the can.

Is anyone else’s mind just completely blown by this? Is anything sacred anymore? An empty Bud Light can shipped in a case to some devil-may-care Canadian Poker Sensation? Uh WTF?

A pair of losses

We're at a loss to explain how the Oil could show up with as little emotion or skill as they did last night, with the playoffs on the line and facing one of the worst teams in hockey. We can’t even begin to explain how in the hell the fantastical beer Oompaloompas at the magical Bud Light factory somehow allowed one of their delicious cans to escape unfilled.

This is an absolute outrage and it won’t stand. Doesn’t anyone care about professionalism anymore? Is anyone interested in competing on a night in and night out basis anymore? Or is everyone just mailing it in and rushing home to watch American Idol?

Make a note in the log: March 26, 2009. The night both the Oilers and Bud Light completely failed us.

*The cold and crisp taste of BLs are not being endorsed in the least in this article.

A non-Bud-Light-Scandal-related note

As we have never it discussed prior to right now, no one knows that the official band of the OilersNation is a band called Toast. No one knows this, but they totally are. Our boy Chris basically runs most of E-Town with his crazy band and they recently performed a jam called “Smile On,” on CityTV’s Breakfast Television last Monday morning. Completely unsolicited by Chris we are going to demand everyone able to walk, run or drive should make their way down to the Crown & Anchor pub in Castledowns and witness musical history this weekend.

But if you order a Bud Light at the concert make sure it isn't already empty. Cause that totally can happen.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
Avatar
#101 offside
March 27 2009, 01:56PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
0
cheers

@ Milli: When in Vegas head to the little dump of a casino, Casino Royale for the $1 Micheloeb's (or the $1 Strawberry Daiquri's)

Avatar
#102 RLH
March 27 2009, 02:09PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
0
cheers

@ The Towel Boy: I've never understood why one would close a beer.

Avatar
#103 MJ
March 27 2009, 02:15PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
0
cheers

RLH wrote:

@ The Towel Boy: I’ve never understood why one would close a beer.

If you're used to lady beers, drinking a real beer will force you to take a timeout or two... Drinking the whole thing would be simply overwhelming.

Avatar
#104 Wanye Gretz
March 27 2009, 02:23PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
0
cheers

I go for lunch and come back to an absolutely tremendous string of comments here. Let me summarize the questions I seem to have been asked.

1."Wanye, you are a puss for drinking light beer." Now listen here. I bet you out of EVERYONE you know I have drank the most RX1 beers in a single game. SCF06G6 - best game in history. A slightly younger Wanye arrives at RX1 for the pregame beer gardens and proceeds to drink 16 - count em 16 - RX1 beers by the end of the game. Then I went out on the town after. I have witnesses to this too btw. Why 16? One beer for every win needed to win the cup.

I was so buckled during the third period that I almost started crying I was so happy. I was completely unintelligible the rest of the evening and the brain damage suffered lasts until this day. Can anyone beat that? Pfft. Puss indeed.

2."Wanye, Bud Light sucks. Instead try ." No thanks. I can see the value of other tasty beers, don't get me wrong. But if you are looking to ingest Quantity over Quality of beer - 100 BLs is the move. No aftertaste, no bloating and a great tasting beer.

3."Wanye, you can't get buckled on beer with less alcahol content." Drink more of them. You will be amazed what you can do.

Avatar
#105 The Towel Boy
March 27 2009, 02:34PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
0
cheers

RLH wrote:

I’ve never understood why one would close a beer.

Duh! ....Bumpy roads.

Avatar
#106 Robin Brownlee
March 27 2009, 02:38PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
0
cheers

Wanye Gretz wrote:

100 BLs is the move. No aftertaste, no bloating and a great tasting beer.

Thank goodness, we've found a new lead trombone player for the Easter Parade.

If you're going to drink 100 anything, it should be Jackie Parkers with whatever concoction it is that hot red-headed dame was puring into Karius and I that time at . . . never mind.

Avatar
#107 Mike Krushelnyski
March 27 2009, 03:58PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
0
cheers

offside wrote:

@ Milli: When in Vegas head to the little dump of a casino, Casino Royale for the $1 Micheloeb’s (or the $1 Strawberry Daiquri’s)

Oh god, last time I was in Vegas I stayed at the Mirage right across from there. Royale was a fantastic place to start the evening.

Oh and for the record I drink Carlsberg. And yes, I wear a visor while I drink my Euro beer

Avatar
#108 Harlie Chuddy
March 27 2009, 07:36PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
0
cheers

that blonde kid with the AK f*ckin rulz!

Avatar
#109 beedouble-R-You-In?
March 28 2009, 12:56AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
0
cheers

Oh man oh man, my nights before a game usually start out with some Keith's Red and end up with a bottle of tequila swearing at the tv and complaining about taxes. I mean the Oilers are just another reason to stay depressed in these recession times.

Everytime I watch an Oilers game I think back to the old day's when we had guys like Marchant, Grier and Weight here playing for pennies and getting it done. We have fifty million or so invested in a group of guys who couldn't spell effort. And a coach who wants to be articulate and friendly to all those reporters.

Here's an idea for the rest of season, go out there shoot the puck on net. Have our overpaid pansies drive to the net and try spank in as much ugly ones into the net as they can rather then spanking their ugly ones on the bench. Eight straight years of barely making the playoffs and all the stress of a stretch run have worn thin on me and my fingernails. Please oh please guys give an effort and keep me to my beer, with the weather still not being able to make up it's mind I don't wanna be left outside after I finish that bottle of tequila and being thrown outside by my wife. If that's the case I'm going to a hotel and billing the Oilers for the room.

Comments are closed for this article.