March 27 2009 09:29AM
We will go uh... WTF for $500 Alex.
A: On March 26, 2009 this team shot itself directly in the foot, losing 3-2 to the Phoenix Coyotes.
Q: Who are the damned Edmonton Oilers of 2009?
If you've just woken from a doctor-induced coma and are seeking to catch up with the world since you were put under, we can bring you up to speed pretty quickly on everything you have missed in the past 10 years:
- Britney Spears was a teenage popstar.
- She rose to the top of the world with her sweet, demure nature and sexy looks.
- She then went completely crazy, nailed half of the paparazzi in LA, shaved her head and trashed a car with an umbrella.
- When all was lost, she sold her soul to Satan and quickly rose to the top of the pop world again, with her demure nature and sexy looks.
- The Phoenix Coyotes beat the Oilers last night 3-2, scoring a goal for every Phoenix fan in attendance in Glendale. Britney’s thoughts on the matter are unavailable as of press time.
There. Now that we're all on the same page we can proceed with railing against how awful the Oilers are and worse.
Let’s get this straight
Dwayne Roloson started in net AGAIN? Really MacT? You do realize Roloson is older than you right? You do realize that if the Oil manage to get out of their own way and somehow make the playoffs your starting goalie will already have the fatigue level of a 7th-game Cup appearance. You do understand this right?
We could go on about the Oilers losing until the cows come home. But even greater treachery is afoot. Coupled with the Oilers losing, it is probably the greatest attack on our values that we have suffered in a single evening in quite some time.
The worst thing ever
As we have been known to do on most Thursdays we went and played some poker with the boys. It's 51% beer, 40% “something” and 9% poker and on nights when the Oilers play it can go downhill very quickly.
Last night, the Oilers were busy in the long and torturous process of gassing a game that they could afford to lose. Your ol’ pal Wanye, on the other hand, was coming off a win the last time we played poker and we were busy slow playing the table to a second place finish whilst drinking our usual 58 Bud Lights.*
We go to the fridge to grip a beer and it was at this point in time the absolutely unthinkable occurred.
At first blush this may look like nothing more than another soldier about to get crushed by your ol’ pal Wanye en route to another world class poker performance. But upon closer inspection Members of the Jury, you will note two key facts:
Exhibit A: This can remains unopened – note the sealed top. Exhibit B: There isn’t a drop of beer in the can.
Is anyone else’s mind just completely blown by this? Is anything sacred anymore? An empty Bud Light can shipped in a case to some devil-may-care Canadian Poker Sensation? Uh WTF?
A pair of losses
We're at a loss to explain how the Oil could show up with as little emotion or skill as they did last night, with the playoffs on the line and facing one of the worst teams in hockey. We can’t even begin to explain how in the hell the fantastical beer Oompaloompas at the magical Bud Light factory somehow allowed one of their delicious cans to escape unfilled.
This is an absolute outrage and it won’t stand. Doesn’t anyone care about professionalism anymore? Is anyone interested in competing on a night in and night out basis anymore? Or is everyone just mailing it in and rushing home to watch American Idol?
Make a note in the log: March 26, 2009. The night both the Oilers and Bud Light completely failed us.
*The cold and crisp taste of BLs are not being endorsed in the least in this article.
A non-Bud-Light-Scandal-related note
As we have never it discussed prior to right now, no one knows that the official band of the OilersNation is a band called Toast. No one knows this, but they totally are. Our boy Chris basically runs most of E-Town with his crazy band and they recently performed a jam called “Smile On,” on CityTV’s Breakfast Television last Monday morning. Completely unsolicited by Chris we are going to demand everyone able to walk, run or drive should make their way down to the Crown & Anchor pub in Castledowns and witness musical history this weekend.
But if you order a Bud Light at the concert make sure it isn't already empty. Cause that totally can happen.