Stats Schmats

Amber McCormick
March 06 2009 08:40AM

sexysully

While most of the nerds in the Nerdery are busy calculating points, figuring stats... zzzzzzzzzzzz. Pardon me, I must have dozed off. It’s no secret that I could give a rat’s ass about stats. Numbers are, you know, hard. 

I’m here to talk about what really matters in an NHL team: hotness. I’m a bit of a novice when it comes to the hotness of our Oil.

What many people don’t realize is that there is a way to measure the visual aesthetic of a hockey team, thus determining their potential for success. It’s not a universally recognized scale but a means of measure I have been working on for some time. The McHotness Scale (patent pending) can determine the potential of any given group, in this case the Edmonton Oilers.

Every member will either bring or take points. For example, Sheldon "Big Sexy" Souray brings twelve points to the table while Stortini causes us to lose three points due to that freakishly large neck of his.

I know this sounds complicated, and there are exceptions to the rules. The San Jose Sharks, while currently placing second in the Western Conference, are one of the most unattractive teams in the NHL. Joe "Hillbilly" Thorton and Jody Shelley take a combined twenty-seven points away from the Sharks. Too bad for them.

The Edmonton Oilers are an aesthetically well balanced team. Steve Staios gives us two points. He would bring five to the table if he stopped wearing a visor and began sporting his super bad-ass shiners. We gain two points for each of Penner’s eyes. Unfortunately, we lose six points for Reddox simply for being a ginger.

I’ve been busy the last couple days re-calculating due to the trade. Eric Cole takes his four points with him to Carolina. We do, however, gain some decent points with O’Sullivan.

Patrick O’Sullivan -- could he sound any more Irish? Maybe if his name was Irish O’Irishson, but that would be, you know, dumb. O’Sullivan brings us a whopping seven points. Four points come from his boyish good looks and three come from his dark checkered past. Those three points are only applicable to this season. He will have to re-earn those points by winning our hearts. My empathy for him in terms of growing up with an abusive father also runs out at the end of the season. I’m not a totally heartless person but as an abortion survivor, I know what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

I expect big things from O’Sullivan.

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Amber lives in Edmonton. Everyday she tries to do her part in preserving nature. Tomorrow she's pickling squirrels. Amber doesn't sweat the petty thing and she doesn't pet the sweaty things.
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#1 Steele
March 06 2009, 09:27AM
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Dear Amber,

Everyone knows Joe Sakic is the most handsome man in Hockey, but O'Sullivan does add some spice to a line-up that needs flavor. Cole's (aka: Caronina Opossum Man) departure & O'Sullivan's arrival has upped the Hotness Meter on this club, I will agree! Now if we could put together a string of wins............ (on the ice :)).

~Steele

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#2 Wanye Gretz
March 06 2009, 10:03AM
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Things I liked in Amber's Post

1. "Irish O'Irishson" 2. "As an abortion survivor" 3. "My empathy for him in terms of growing up with an abusive father also runs out at the end of the season" 4. Knocking Reddox for being a red head.

Now listen here Amber. Either you write more on here or I am going to have to start some trouble.

Amber > No Amber

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#3 Hoodlum
March 06 2009, 10:03AM
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As a "ginger", Amber, I have to say I'm a little offended. I will however get over it being as I am probably the best looking ginger you have never seen.

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#4 Harlie Chuddy
March 06 2009, 10:14AM
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@ Hoodlum:

Fire down below!

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#5 Amber McCormick
March 06 2009, 10:28AM
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Hoodlum wrote:

As a “ginger”, Amber, I have to say I’m a little offended. I will however get over it being as I am probably the best looking ginger you have never seen.

I happen to have some very dear friends that are gingers. I'm grateful everyday they weren't drowned at birth.

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#6 Chaz
March 06 2009, 11:07AM
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I've always looked at Reddox as more of a Powder, as opposed to a Ginger.

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#7 shakey
March 06 2009, 11:10AM
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@ Amber McCormick: Are you somehow related to Wanye? Funny and Warped all wrapped together.

The Hotness scale didn't work too well when the wife wanted to join our hockey pool, her first. She grabbed my stats book and picked her players on looks and she finished dead last so as a guide for game points, it's a flawed system.

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#8 DK0
March 06 2009, 11:13AM
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Remember that time the ugliest man in the world played an enormous role in stealing our cup? His name was Rod Brind'Amour

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#9 I'm a Scientist!
March 06 2009, 11:28AM
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Amber McCormick wrote:

I happen to have some very dear friends that are gingers. I’m grateful everyday they weren’t drowned at birth.

HA! Add this to the list of things that are GREAT about this article.

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#10 baggedmilk
March 06 2009, 11:33AM
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I would more so say that Reddox looks like the guy from the movie powder or Raffi Torres' bastard son. Either way, nice work.

Patty O needs a hug, and I'm thinking a Wanye Gretz, Patty, JSBM group hug is just what this fella needs.

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#11 The Towel Boy
March 06 2009, 11:37AM
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Amber McCormick wrote:

Irish O’Irishson

I actually really LOL'd on that one. I almost spilled my double double.

*rolls up rim*

...F*ck. 0 - 23

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#12 Mr P
March 06 2009, 01:58PM
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Numbers are, you know, hard.

HUh, Huh, you said hard

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#13 Amber McCormick
March 06 2009, 03:27PM
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shakey wrote:

@ Amber McCormick: Are you somehow related to Wanye? She grabbed my stats book and picked her players on looks and she finished dead last so as a guide for game points, it’s a flawed system.

No Wanye and I are not related. If we were we'd go to prison. Is incest illegal in Alberta?

In regards to your wife's choices and placing dead last; perhaps she lost the pool but she now has countless handsome hockey player faces in her mind when things get...er..uh....routine.

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#14 Matt
March 06 2009, 03:51PM
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Re: Liam Reddox - http://www.hockeysfuture.com/prospects/liam_reddox

He looks like a nine year old Ales Hemsky without the license to dangle.

Re: The McHotness scale: You should compare it to a hypothetical MacHotness scale, which definitely has Shawn Horcoff a little higher in the rankings than on your scale.

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#15 shakey
March 06 2009, 04:11PM
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@ Amber McCormick: 'but she now has countless handsome hockey player faces in her mind when things get…er..uh….routine'

Whatever works for her. I'm good that way.

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#16 alphah
March 07 2009, 04:48AM
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Im curious as to how Amber McCormick might rate on the McHotness scale. We need a better picture for that byline... make the next article a swimsuit edition :P

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#17 Falcon
March 12 2009, 03:39AM
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I eagerly await nude photos of Wanye Gretz fook doll.

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