April 30 2009 12:59PM
3 for 4 in the West and 3 for 4 in the East. And to think we were once voted “Least likely to predict the majority of the First Round of the 2009 Stanley Cup playoffs” in High School. Where are you now yearbook committee? Gravely ill with the swine flu we hope.
Before we get into the East we actually want to talk about this swine flu for a minute. “But Wanye, I don’t generally get my medical information from some weirdo internet guy.” Yeah, well you should. Pull up a chair and listen to your ol’ pal Wanye for a couple ticks will ya?
You all settled in and ready to listen about the swine flu?
STOP TALKING ABOUT THE SWINE FLU
You have a better chance of being killed in a drive by shooting by a swarm of gang banging killer bees than you do from the Swine Flu. This has been overblown by an irresponsible media that just loves to scare the shit out of everyone. We were in a boring day job meeting yesterday where a grown man stood up and actually said “I am concerned about the viability of this business operation in Southern Alberta due to the swine flu.”
What in the sweet holy hell is wrong with everyone? This dude shouldn’t be bringing talk of the Swine Flu into a meeting let alone be concerned about an investment because of a flu that has killed 200 people in Mexico in the last little bit. Know what else has killed 200 people in Mexico in the past few months? Being kicked to death by donkeys. You don’t see people freaking out because more people are killed by kicking donkeys than the Swine Flu do you? You don't see the European Union considering a North American travel ban because of an imminent donkey kicking death pandemic do you? NO. You do not. People die from Flu Strains all the time. It's certainly terrible but the level of near hysteria everyone seems to be in about this issue is just unbelievable.
Souljaboy is on Twitter today announcing he is ready for “this swine flu shit.” Uh what? We know Souljaboy needs to be protected at all costs - don’t get us wrong. In instances of pandemic we must protect our hope to reseed the planet when the disease has passed. But seriously. Calm the EFF down everyone.
And now without any further delay – playoffs!
Bruins (1) v Canadiens (8) - Bruins in 5.
Ah the Mighty Canadiens. When half the team is more concerned about becoming patch wearing Hells Angels than they are blocking shots your team has a problem. When you are facing the suddenly awesome Bruins in the playoffs you have another problem. No big surprise here.
Capitals (2) v Rangers (7) - Capitals in 6.
“We are so confident that the Caps will smash the Rangers we are willing to declare this series to be our Wanye Lock of the East™.”
Thank the Gods of Heavy Metal the Capitals came back from 3-1 or our Wanye Lock of the East ™ would have been rusted shut for all of eternity. While Avery and Tortorella were busy embarrassing themselves once per period, a gigantic door opened for a team actually interested in “winning the series.”
Enter the Caps and OviOne.
Devils (3) v Hurricanes (6) - Devils in 7.
Like many people in the predicting business we thought this series would go the other way. We bet the Devils did too. You should ditch this squad Brent Sutter and come home. Oh and screw you Erik Cole. You are just awful in these playoffs – don’t think we have forgotten about you.
Penguins (4) v Flyers (5) - Penguins in 7.
Q: How smart was signing Daniel Briere to a 17 year-198 million dollar contract? A: Not very.
ROUND TWO PREDICTIONS
Bruins (1) v Canes (6)
Quick facts: - Erik Cole has been absolutely invisible in these here playoffs. - Zdeno Chara is 47 feet tall and made of solid awesome. - Cam Ward is from Sherwood Park.
Bruins in 6.
Capitals (2) v Penguins (4)
If you think that the NHL is going to be able to leverage one of the better matchups it has seen in quite some time you are wrong. Luckily we all still care right Nations? Know who else cares? Ovechkin and Crosby. These two actually dislike one another. Like real-life-don't-like-each-other-not-marketing-suggested-rivalry. This could be because Ovi is an unintelligible beauty and Crosby is a whiny douchebag with perfect English. Despite what Paula Abdul would have you believe opposites do not attract.
Capitals in 7.