Eastern Conference Thinkisms
Wanye
April 30 2009 12:59PM
3 for 4 in the West and 3 for 4 in the East. And to think we were once voted “Least likely to predict the majority of the First Round of the 2009 Stanley Cup playoffs” in High School. Where are you now yearbook committee? Gravely ill with the swine flu we hope.
Before we get into the East we actually want to talk about this swine flu for a minute. “But Wanye, I don’t generally get my medical information from some weirdo internet guy.” Yeah, well you should. Pull up a chair and listen to your ol’ pal Wanye for a couple ticks will ya?
You all settled in and ready to listen about the swine flu?
Good.
STOP TALKING ABOUT THE SWINE FLU
You have a better chance of being killed in a drive by shooting by a swarm of gang banging killer bees than you do from the Swine Flu. This has been overblown by an irresponsible media that just loves to scare the shit out of everyone. We were in a boring day job meeting yesterday where a grown man stood up and actually said “I am concerned about the viability of this business operation in Southern Alberta due to the swine flu.”
What in the sweet holy hell is wrong with everyone? This dude shouldn’t be bringing talk of the Swine Flu into a meeting let alone be concerned about an investment because of a flu that has killed 200 people in Mexico in the last little bit. Know what else has killed 200 people in Mexico in the past few months? Being kicked to death by donkeys. You don’t see people freaking out because more people are killed by kicking donkeys than the Swine Flu do you? You don't see the European Union considering a North American travel ban because of an imminent donkey kicking death pandemic do you? NO. You do not. People die from Flu Strains all the time. It's certainly terrible but the level of near hysteria everyone seems to be in about this issue is just unbelievable.
Souljaboy is on Twitter today announcing he is ready for “this swine flu shit.” Uh what? We know Souljaboy needs to be protected at all costs - don’t get us wrong. In instances of pandemic we must protect our hope to reseed the planet when the disease has passed. But seriously. Calm the EFF down everyone.
And now without any further delay – playoffs!
Bruins (1) v Canadiens (8) - Bruins in 5.
Ah the Mighty Canadiens. When half the team is more concerned about becoming patch wearing Hells Angels than they are blocking shots your team has a problem. When you are facing the suddenly awesome Bruins in the playoffs you have another problem. No big surprise here.
Capitals (2) v Rangers (7) - Capitals in 6.
“We are so confident that the Caps will smash the Rangers we are willing to declare this series to be our Wanye Lock of the East™.”
Thank the Gods of Heavy Metal the Capitals came back from 3-1 or our Wanye Lock of the East ™ would have been rusted shut for all of eternity. While Avery and Tortorella were busy embarrassing themselves once per period, a gigantic door opened for a team actually interested in “winning the series.”
Enter the Caps and OviOne.
Devils (3) v Hurricanes (6) - Devils in 7.
Like many people in the predicting business we thought this series would go the other way. We bet the Devils did too. You should ditch this squad Brent Sutter and come home. Oh and screw you Erik Cole. You are just awful in these playoffs – don’t think we have forgotten about you.
Penguins (4) v Flyers (5) - Penguins in 7.
Q: How smart was signing Daniel Briere to a 17 year-198 million dollar contract? A: Not very.
ROUND TWO PREDICTIONS
Bruins (1) v Canes (6)
Quick facts: - Erik Cole has been absolutely invisible in these here playoffs. - Zdeno Chara is 47 feet tall and made of solid awesome. - Cam Ward is from Sherwood Park.
Bruins in 6.
Capitals (2) v Penguins (4)
If you think that the NHL is going to be able to leverage one of the better matchups it has seen in quite some time you are wrong. Luckily we all still care right Nations? Know who else cares? Ovechkin and Crosby. These two actually dislike one another. Like real-life-don't-like-each-other-not-marketing-suggested-rivalry. This could be because Ovi is an unintelligible beauty and Crosby is a whiny douchebag with perfect English. Despite what Paula Abdul would have you believe opposites do not attract.
Capitals in 7.
Speaking of hysteria
Great post. I wish I was made of solid awesome. As I was mid way through reading this article I got a company wide email about the old Bacon Lung. So ridiculous.
Mexico city has almost as many people living in it as all of Canada. Needless to say its a viral breeding ground. I would like to know how many people in Mexico died of the common flu this year, I bet its more than 200.
Swine flu is likely little more than the new SARS. But its a good thing i bought stock in SWINEFLU FACE MASKS INC just before this whole thing came out.
Bruins in 6. Caps in 7.
Damn, Wanye is a smart man. Good picks my friend.
The US has to take minds off the recession somehow.
Swine-flu will kill us all. Fortunately this article from the esteemed MSM outlet The Globe and Mail tells us how to survive.
http://tinyurl.com/can79u
My favourite part is where they suggest buying a bicycle in case of fuel disruptions (because of all the dead people), candles in case of power disruptions (because of all the dead people) and then tell you to get an on-line shopping account. Apparently the mail will still work and you can submit all your eBay bids by candlelight!
Idiots. *slap of hand on forehead*
Oh, Bruins in 5, 'Guins in 7.
Quinn wrote:
LMAO, it sounds like something out of a Zombie flick.
This H1N1 flu thing is total BS. I love how they throw around words like pandemic. 1 person dead in the states & this is the apocolypse. Good Grief.
Bruins in 5 Caps in 6 - Ovechkin & Semin get in slap fest w Sid & Ev.
Quinn wrote:
My fav part of the article...
People should use "common sense," Dr. Low cautions, and not overreact. Swine flu is not transmitted through fruits and vegetables from Mexico, and you cannot get the virus from ingesting pork products. Among the best protection against flu of any kind is frequent handwashing.
NEWSFLASH!!!
Wanye: If you're so damn smart how come some chain-smoking rube from rural Quebec is getting ready to buy a new double-wide filled with the finest velvet paintings from around the world and building a new 45,000 square foot pig barn with its own wedding chapel after winning the $32 million and you're still here? Huh? Huh?
Quinn wrote:
From the comments section of the article:
Rain Couver from Canada writes: What an interesting article. Not only will it prepare us for a pandemic, but a nuclear holocaust and zombies.
Wanye, you mean Ovie and Crosby truely dislike each other and it's not all for the press? Unlike those 2 morning show D-Bags on a certain Edmonton radio station that ryhmes with 'The Dare'and their lame effort trying to schill tickets for a mixed martial arts fight. Edmonton vs Calgary, Red Sox vs Yanks, Ovie vs Crosby...that's real hatred. Crap from the AM show D-bags gets real tired, real quick.
@ BUCK75: I think that was my favourite comment too. And so far I have used it to escape the zombies twice.
@ BUCK75: The poor doctor is quoted advising us not to overreact in the middle of a gigantic overreaction. The irony is killing me.
Oh yeah, Bruins in 6 Caps in 7
Knew there was something about hockey I wanted to talk about.
b>Quinn wrote:
I am not sure why I felt the need to put that twice.<
F**k swine flu Bruins in 6. Caps in 7.
Carolina in 7 Washington in 6
Oh and I forgot to post my West coasties:
Hawks in 7 Detroit in 6
Bruins in 5
Caps in 7
Swine flu in 6
Pens in 6 Bruins in 6
Hawks in 7 Detroit in 5
Hey wayne, what do I get for picking the east? Maybe a bout of this new swine flu??? Reminds me of a gurl I met last night!!!!!
Pens (unfortunatley) in 7
Boston in 5
Bruins 6 Caps 7
Bruins in 5 Penquins in 6
whats that blue stuff on the timmys cup?
"I was pretty excited when I heard that Edmonton pushed pretty hard for me to get (there)," Jagr said Thursday at the IIHF World Hockey Championship. "I really appreciate it.
"If I ever go to (the NHL), they would be my No. 1 pick because they showed the interest first. I never forget that and I respect that."
Awwwww... Isn't that sweet?
@ Rusty Shackleford: I see you beat me to the punch with the Jagr stuff. It was just on Sportsnet.
I'd love, after he finishes next year in Russia, a 38-39 year old Jagr, 5 years past his prime! Don't waste the money, get people who can scout and draft guys unlike Poosalot. Steve MacIntyre coulda notched a hundred points with Crosby in Jr. One of many brutal Oil draft picks over the last 15 years! Oh, and if they draft more small forwards they could save money by putting them up in trees similar to that of the Keebler Elves. I could rant for years...
Getting Jagr after next year would be like drinking that last little bit of warm back-washed beer in the bottle.
Bruins in 6, Pens in 7.
Swindle Flu for everyone.
Garett wrote:
At least your rants are funny... Go off man.. its all good!!
Victoria wrote:
Well stated.. it would be way more expensive than that but the end result would be as fulfilling
Caps in 6. B's in 5. Swine Flu in 7.
Those are my predictions.
You're welcome Las Vegas book makers.