Return of the dead

Wanye
May 25 2009 09:59AM

norovirus-infosheet

Ever go to a stag to have the time of your life but end up contracting the Norwalk virus along with 4 of your buddies? Ever spend a week lying in a pool of your own filth and spend so much time barfing you now qualify as a supermodel?

We did. And believe us when we say – avoid contracting stomach ailments as much as you are able. Particularly when you are 5-alarm buckled drunk. Being super gassed and super sick at the same time is a singular experience that should be scratched off your bucket list as “not really worth it.”

We didn’t even have the jam to twitter that we were dying. All we had the ability to do is watch about 10,000 episodes of Lockdown on MSNBC, 106th and Park on BET and assorted other shows on the PVR. When that fun ended we cracked open 24 for the first time and watched almost the entire show. If we are on a non stop 24 type rant for the next couple of weeks you will have to forgive us. Something else will come along to grab our attention and just like the Norwalk virus it too will eventually pass.

key_art_24

We can’t believe that we actually got three – count em three! – emails from Nation readers asking where we were exactly. That just goes to show you if we ever contract another incapacitating illness we won’t be left Chez Wanye with our corpse rotting for weeks on end. Emails from concerned hockey fans will fill our inbox until someone does a reverse IP searched linked to our GPS phone. From there they will triangulate our position using the GPS phone signal and will be able to make a call to the CIS strike team who will immediately swoop down on our position and medivac us to safety. It’s kind of like our own personal Medic-Alert bracelet.

Sweet.

fallenandcantgetup

Straight up old tymer.

So what did we miss?

*crickets chirping*

Ah, so it would seem. No new Coach, no trade talk, no quotables, no excitement. The Stanley Cup marches on with about as much zest as it can given that real games ended on game 82 of the regular season. Other than that there doesn’t seem to be much of anything going on. Well that isn’t entirely true. Bob Stauffer showed up on the Nation for the first time that we can recall and engaged Brownlee and Willis in a battle of CIS goalie talk. As a former guy-involved-with-the-Bears we can understand Stauffer’s attachment to the scene. If we knew of a single Golden Bear of note other than Brad Tutschek in the past 10 years we might weigh in.

Instead we will move along to the other crumbs of interest lying about.

MacTavish as Coach in Calgary

One fact that was brought to our attention is that Craig MacTavish is being mentioned as a possible candidate to replace Iron Mike Keenan, who was unceremoniously ousted as the Coach of the Flames. An excellent write up on the matter can be read over at the FlamesNation if you enjoy reading about implosions and poor decisions down South like we do. 

Personally we would think it would be hilarious if ol’ MacT ended up in Calgary. We were mystified a couple of weeks back  why MacT hasn’t sat down and at least granted an interview with a local scribe. Eight years and millions of salary dollars later apparently entitles a man to walk without so much as a goodbye. Why not finish off the insult with a short trip down the QEII and set up shop in Calgary?

Erik Cole is brutal

Ah yes. We haven't forgotten about you Erik Cole. We haven’t taken the bait of late despite Gregor’s numerous jibes at the fact we (used) to like Erik Cole and that he is playing quite er, uneffectively, in these here postseasons. If Gregor knew anything about anything he would know that we haven’t liked Cole since we almost fought a Cole Jersey wearing Canes fan awhile back. Now that we hate him we can definitely enjoy watching him struggle in the playoffs. How your numbers doing again Big E?

coleblows

Well, at least your wife is happy right?

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 RBK
May 25 2009, 10:14AM
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Good stuff! Welcome back LOL

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#2 Gerald
May 25 2009, 10:26AM
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My wife had that before Christmas Wanye. No fun. Glad to see you are OK

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#3 Wanye Gretz
May 25 2009, 10:33AM
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@ RBK: @ Gerald:

Thanks gang.

Check this out:

http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/story/?id=279860

What a mistake Colorado is about to make. Holy Cow

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#4 baggedmilk
May 25 2009, 10:34AM
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Towel Boy, Admiral Rusty, and the rest of the JSBM family were about to conduct a Twitter based search and rescue.

The theories were that you found a treasure map (ala Goonies) in your attic, and were off searching for One Eyed Willie's treasure. Damned Fratellis may have stopped you, so we were concerned.

OR that you found the whereabouts to that flying dog/dragon from Never Ending Story.

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#5 Librarian Mike
May 25 2009, 10:42AM
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Wanye! Glad you're back. I was starting to wonder what happened to you.

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#6 Wanye Gretz
May 25 2009, 10:42AM
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@ baggedmilk:

I have been reading JSBM often of late. You know who you guys should talk about? Megan Fox. She's pretty hot, you might like her.

That fist fight in the fast food restaurant was gangster. J Money Prince or whatever his name was at the end of the fight was classic.

I wish I was called J Money Something....

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#7 Wanye Gretz
May 25 2009, 10:43AM
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@ Librarian Mike:

Why thank you! Losing 14 pounds in 6 days was what happened to me. Has everyone here been behaving themselves?

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#8 baggedmilk
May 25 2009, 10:47AM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

It's only a matter of time before JSBM becomes a website dedicated solely to her and her awesomes gams.

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#9 Wanye Gretz
May 25 2009, 10:49AM
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@ baggedmilk:

Why don't you try and get her to write you a letter with a signed picture? All the big stars like that have machinery in place to match avid fans such as yourselves with a piece of the star....

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#10 baggedmilk
May 25 2009, 10:56AM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

That's a good idea. I like it. Although I actually wrote something better today. It's about small town living, and the freedom for degenerate youth in said small towns. *tear*

-bm

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#11 baggedmilk
May 25 2009, 10:57AM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

As a side note, I'm rocking the Nation shirt today, and if that douche canoe asks me if the teeth are eggs one more time.

#WorkTimeAssault

Oh, this isn't Twitter.

*loves Twitter*

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#12 Wanye Gretz
May 25 2009, 11:00AM
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@ baggedmilk:

I shall have to check it when I get home. As always I can't see www.jeanshortsandbaggedmilk.com from work because of IT censoring.

You get to wear t-shirts to work? LUCKY! I have to wear the McDonalds uniform or I won't get to work the drive through next year.

*hopes against hope for the big promotion*

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#13 baggedmilk
May 25 2009, 11:10AM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

I will have you know I'm only days away from galavanting for months. I will rock the Nation shirt worldwide as well.

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#14 Wanye Gretz
May 25 2009, 11:19AM
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@ baggedmilk:

When do you leave? Are you going to continue to write on the road?

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#15 baggedmilk
May 25 2009, 11:21AM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

Next Tuesday, and yes I will. I'll posting from the road 2-3 times a week.

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#16 David S
May 25 2009, 11:41AM
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You guys better hope MacT doesn't end up in Calgary. He's pretty good with a team that's full of actual, experienced NHL'ers.

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#17 Colin
May 25 2009, 11:42AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

@ Librarian Mike: Why thank you! Losing 14 pounds in 6 days was what happened to me. Has everyone here been behaving themselves?

Best Diet ever.

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#18 Librarian Mike
May 25 2009, 11:49AM
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So, who else thinks Patrick Roy's son will end up playing for the Avs? It'll be glorious if it happens, like the Feterik years with the Stamps.

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#19 BUCK75
May 25 2009, 12:29PM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

Nice to have you back!

@ baggedmilk: I was rocking the same Shirt over the weekend. People just don't get the whole thing. Some think it is a new ~Christian Audigier~ design...lol

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#20 Ducey
May 25 2009, 12:30PM
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Poor Ryan Smyth. He leaves Gods country over a few $$, has to play for the Islanders, then gets every kind of injury in COL (remember him going into the turnbuckle at the bench?) and now has to put up with Patrick Roy and his insane rage.

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#21 Wanye Gretz
May 25 2009, 01:03PM
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@ Librarian Mike: @ Ducey:

Patrick Roy as both Coach and GM of the Avs will basically keep them in the crap pile for years to come. Why cheer against this? Are we not cheering for the entire Western Conference to crumble so that a certain team of misfits and up-and-comers look better by comparison?

And yes LM Patrick Roy Jr. should be lacing em up Chez Avs in no time.

@ BUCK75:

Why thank you. It's good to be back.

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#22 Greg MC
May 25 2009, 03:26PM
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A little too close to the action, Wanye?

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#23 yo
May 25 2009, 03:51PM
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Here I go banging on my drum. There is nothing that would interest me less than hearing anything MacT has to say about his sojourn with the Oilers. He blew it. He flunked out. He failed. He pooched the coop. He has already pointed the finger at the dressing room with some sort of psycho-babble excuse about 'loss of culture?' Do you actually think he'll blame his ineptness? Enough Wanye. Take out a membership in the Adult-Friend-Finder or Ashley Madison and regale us with tales of summer debauchery at least 'til training camp opens up. It sure as heck beats hearing from Mact.

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#24 Ender the Dragon
May 25 2009, 04:20PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Patrick Roy as both Coach and GM of the Avs will basically keep them in the crap pile for years to come.

Hey, Garth Snow has needed a counterpart in the West for quite awhile now. Just another logical progression toward the day when all goalies will retire to the front office. I bet JSBM can't until Lowe is replaced by Olaf Kolzig.

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#25 Librarian Mike
May 25 2009, 04:31PM
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Ender the Dragon wrote:

Just another logical progression toward the day when all goalies will retire to the front office.

...and you know what they used to say about Peter Ing:

"winning ends with 'ing'".

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#26 baggedmilk
May 25 2009, 04:40PM
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Ender the Dragon wrote:

Wanye Gretz wrote: Patrick Roy as both Coach and GM of the Avs will basically keep them in the crap pile for years to come. Hey, Garth Snow has needed a counterpart in the West for quite awhile now. Just another logical progression toward the day when all goalies will retire to the front office. I bet JSBM can’t until Lowe is replaced by Olaf Kolzig.

I think we would do a fine job running any organization.

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#27 Ender the Dragon
May 25 2009, 04:53PM
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@ baggedmilk: I need a damn edit button already!

It should have read 'I bet JSBM cant wait until Lowe is replaced by Olaf Kolzig.'

As to whether or not you two can retire to the Oiler's front office, I admit that I'm unprepared to speculate. According to some, though, there's not much left to screw up so maybe what's the harm in giving it a shot, eh? :)

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#28 Rusty Shackleford
May 25 2009, 06:31PM
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@ Librarian Mike: It has been far too long since Peter Ing has been mentioned. I got Joaquin Gage's stick once... Jeeeeealous?

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#29 Librarian Mike
May 25 2009, 08:05PM
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Rusty Shackleford wrote:

@ Librarian Mike: It has been far too long since Peter Ing has been mentioned. I got Joaquin Gage’s stick once… Jeeeeealous?

Hahaha. Totally! My only brush with Oiler fame is when I worked at a video store and Niiniimaa used to come in. He was nice enough and he paid his fines, unlike certain cheap-ass wide receivers from the Eskies glory days.

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#30 Archaeologuy
May 25 2009, 08:18PM
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David S wrote:

You guys better hope MacT doesn’t end up in Calgary. He’s pretty good with a team that’s full of actual, experienced NHL’ers.

Yeah, remember when he took that veteran Oiler team to 8th place and almost missed the playoffs?! Those were good times. Constantly thinking "why cant these guys win more games with all this talent?" But I guess the team had 1 good 2 month stretch with him as the coach, which apparently is all you need to earn the reputation of being good with a veteran team.

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#31 Rusty Shackleford
May 26 2009, 12:08AM
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@ Librarian Mike: Downtown Eddie Brown?

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#32 James Gunner
May 26 2009, 12:12AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

@ Librarian Mike: Why thank you! Losing 14 pounds in 6 days was what happened to me. Has everyone here been behaving themselves?

I've had it as well and lost 11 pounds in 4 days. Is this is what childbirth is like? Water(!!!) was moving through my colon like a japanese bullet train. Praise Jeebus they invented 3-ply "soft" toilet paper or I'd still be bleeding from parts unknown to this very day.

In the future, I have an emergency kit all set up in the washroom in case this ever happens again. It includes the bible, the koran, buddhist scriptures, a severed head with a candle on top, and a shotgun in the event the other stuff doesn't work.

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