The sh*t winds of change

Wanye
May 29 2009 10:30AM

mrlahey

With the recent FMNFing and the new armada of Coaching staff sailing into the Bay of OilersNation, there is bound to be a ton of changes in the approach to the game of hockey, the personnel involved on the ice and the overall attitude at RX1.

Given that the team has been a steaming cup of shitanusly mediocre hockey these past three years, a whole new approach is pretty much A-OK with everyone who is involved with this team, both in the stands and off the ice.

Whether or not GM Tambellini is going to be able to shed some of the heavy contracts and be freed up to chase new (read: better) players remains to be seen. But what is clear is that the list of underachieving meat bags is long and the potential destinations for said bags of meat is short. While a great many current Oilers may not be around to see the puck drop on opening night, three players spring to mind as those who could benefit most from a coaching change.

For many of these doghousian Oilers, this will be their last chance in an Oilers uniform.

Rob “Last chance to amount to anything” Schremp

butterStats last year: (AHL) 69 GP 7G - 35A - 42 Pts (NHL) 4 GP 0G - 3A - Pts

Good case scenario 09-10: (NHL) 10G - 10A - 20 Pts Bad case scenario 09-10: AHL4lyfe

It’s no surprise to anyone who pays rapt attention to the Oilers that Schremp is pumped to see his career nemesis head on to other (as yet unnamed) opportunities. “It would be nice, obviously, if I’d been playing in the NHL the last couple of years, but this is what the organization wanted to do with me, develop me in Springfield,” Schremp was quoted recently saying in a Yahoo sports article.  “So that’s that path you have to take. Hopefully I’m on track to play in the NHL next year. Hopefully it’s a new opportunity. But I think the organization has had my best interests in mind since I’ve been drafted. It’s not just MacTavish, it’s the whole organization that has to make plays with my career. They want to develop me and make sure I’m ready. Hopefully next year is the year I make it. I hope that’s what the plan is.

Don't you worry about what the plan is there Robbie. There is a solid plan and the Oilers are executing it. Why the plan called for making the SCF06 then missing the playoffs for the next three years we will never know - but there is a plan. Believe that. Perhaps rather than worrying about the plan ol’ Lord Schrempington might instead get out of his own way long enough to make something of an NHL career.

By all accounts Schemp’s attitude is quite poor but his hands are by all same accounts s-i-c-k. But as any one of the 1000 YouTube sensations will attest, sick hands don’t get you no NHL career in this day and age.

Dustin “Donair Please” Penner

donairStats last year: 78GP 17G - 20A - 37 Pts

Good case scenario 09-10: 25G - 25A - 50 Pts Bad case scenario 09-10: 15G - 10A - 25 Pts

Even we are starting to feel for Dustin Penner. On a team with an incurable case of mediocre craptitis, DDPP is the poster boy for what is ailing with the Oil. Invisible down the stretch, quiet on many nights, the Donairan one still found a way to pot 17 tucks and collect 37 points last season which really ain’t too bad if you step back, ignore his contract and squint at the stats page. It’s kinda like a magic eye – the beauty might not reveal itself right off the bat.

But much like Schremp, Penner is playing below his immense potential and could certainly use a change of coaching pace after MacT, who threw DDPP under the bus on a few occasions last year and generally didn’t get along with #27 most of the time. Fortunately for Penner it was the Coach that ended up leaving town not him and perhaps the new coaching staff and a fresh approach is exactly what he needs to elevate his game.

Robert “Muffin man” Nilsson

muffinStats last year: 64GP 9G-20A-29 Pts

Good case scenario 09-10: 12G – 35 A – 47 Pts Bad case scenario 09-10: 8 G – 15 A – 23 Pts

We used to love us some Robert Nilsson back in his rookie year. Quick on the wing, sporting a cool half visor and a big part of that “let’s-go-on-a-run-down-the-stretch-with-only-rookies-only-to-break-Wanye’s-heart-again” run back in 07-08.

He was able to keep himself busy during last year on many nights distributing little muffins all over the ice: when he was carrying the puck, when he nervously entered the corners, when he was directing soft little flubbers on net. Despite all this fresh baked softness he only able to score 9 goals.

9 goals – despite all the PP and ice time.

9 measly goals.

If we were coaching the Oil and Nilsson had 9 paltry goals in a season we would hire his Dad Kent to come over as a special consultant to the team. His only duty – beating his son without mercy and forcing the two to share a room on the road. That would learn the little bastard. But we suppose some of these finicky racehorses are sometimes better suited to a soft touch and by all accounts Mr. Renney and his velvet gloves should bring exactly that to the table.

Thinking about the 09-10 season

wanyesroom

When we lie awake at night in our bed - pictured above - we often now worry about how good the Oilers will be next year. We worry long and hard. If the Oil are going to do anything but repeat the same monstrous disappointment of last year, these three players above are going to have to have a big say in it. We would go so far as to suggest that as goes these three underachievers so goes the team.

9 Goals Nilsson. You oughta be ashamed.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 The Menace
May 29 2009, 10:48AM
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For better or worse, I think we may be stuck with DDPP and Robert Nilsson for the next couple of seasons. I'm optimistic that Quinn/Renney should be able to get something out of these two that Mact never could.

As far as Schremp goes, despite the Oilers organization's best efforts to strip away any trade value that this guy would have, I believe he will be packaged up with a real player in the offseason.

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#2 Rick
May 29 2009, 10:51AM
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In what fantasy league did Schremp put up 76 points last year?

And Penner's bad case scenario is a little eff'd up. 15g-10a=35points? I'm no math wiz but...

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#3 Hoodlum
May 29 2009, 10:59AM
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I noticed there were veggies in that donair, which we all know are good for you. However, Penners massive frame indicates to me that he vetoes to veggies and opts for extra sweet sauce.

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#4 humantorch
May 29 2009, 11:03AM
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This is yet another reminder of how painfully bad Kevin Lowe was at ever building a roster.

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#5 David S
May 29 2009, 11:04AM
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If Schremp just once said "Obviously I need to bust my tail in the gym this summer and come to camp with the goal to leave my guts on the ice every shift. And I need to go there showing as much passion for the game as I possibly can. This is my last chance to be in the NHL and I know it." Instead of "they owe me a spot", then I might be on board with the guy.

As far as Nilsson goes, he's the goods - one game outta ten. If he comes to camp with the fear of god (Quinn) in him and keeps the pedal to the floor all year long, he could be something special. I know it's blasphemy to say this here here, but the original kid line (Cogs, Nils, Gags) had some juice and I'd love to see all those guys get it together as a unit.

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#6 Wanye Gretz
May 29 2009, 11:06AM
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@ Rick:

Not one word about my drawings Rick? Do you know how long they took me?

Stats fixed Mr Souless Mathematician.

Stats fixed.

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#7 Chaz
May 29 2009, 11:13AM
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Man, all of a sudden I have a hankering for a Super Donair. Weird.

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#8 Librarian Mike
May 29 2009, 11:15AM
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Great article. I can't say I begrudge Penner for loving donair....mmmmm, donair.

I realize it is about 99% certain to not happen, but wouldn't it be nice if Schremp cracked the lineup and scored 30-50-80? Then again, I'd also like to have a pet lion that I could ride to work.

P.S. I love your room Wanye, but where's your Erik Cole poster?

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#9 freeze
May 29 2009, 11:15AM
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thanks for the lol Wanye!

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#10 cambosmash
May 29 2009, 11:17AM
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@ David S: Last year was a sh*t-nami tidal wave of sh*t and the "kid line" had their chance at the beginning of the season. They threw sh*t-muffins at the sh*t opposition on sh*t RX1 ice in a sh*t old arena in a sh*t division. If sh*tmaster Schremp stops feeling sorry for himself and doesn't mind lighting up sh*t AHL teams for a season I'd give him a chance.

Anyways, no more sh*t talk till we're back in power...

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#11 Wanye Gretz
May 29 2009, 11:19AM
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@ Librarian Mike:

There is no Erik Cole poster since his treachery. We all need to start thinking about our stars and goats for next year. I am hoping there are some offseason moves that might change my picks but I have two players in mind already.

@ freeze:

You Sir, are welcome. Rick on the other hand with all his math loving, stats double checking BS has never laughed a day in his life. He isn't welcome.

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#12 David S
May 29 2009, 11:19AM
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Chaz wrote:

Man, all of a sudden I have a hankering for a Super Donair. Weird.

Extra meat, cheese and taziki sauce. *drool*

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#13 FS
May 29 2009, 11:22AM
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These are the best nick names ever. Dustin “Donair Please” Penner haha hahaha!!!!

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#14 Wanye Gretz
May 29 2009, 11:23AM
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@ David S:

I am seriously thinking about a donair too now. I only roll two places in town for donairs. Queen Donair on 154st and Stony Plain Road and the Donair Station in the west end near Terra Losa.

Anyone else have a champion donair eatery to shout out?

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#15 Rick
May 29 2009, 11:26AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

@ freeze: You Sir, are welcome. Rick on the other hand with all his math loving, stats double checking BS has never laughed a day in his life. He isn’t welcome.

Actually I am quite a funny guy, just ask me, and was about to respond with a very complimentary and humurous comment on the donair picture.

Based on your comment I will now instead just point out that your stats on Schremp are still wrong.

He never came close to 76 points last year.

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#16 DaveS
May 29 2009, 11:26AM
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cambosmash wrote:

@ David S: Last year was a sh*t-nami tidal wave of sh*t and the “kid line” had their chance at the beginning of the season. They threw sh*t-muffins at the sh*t opposition on sh*t RX1 ice in a sh*t old arena in a sh*t division. If sh*tmaster Schremp stops feeling sorry for himself and doesn’t mind lighting up sh*t AHL teams for a season I’d give him a chance. Anyways, no more sh*t talk till we’re back in power…

Nice Rant cambosmash. Unfortunately, directed to the wrong "David/Dave S". Guess the shit apple doesn't fall far from the shit tree.

But I agree, lets get that kid line in contact with the training staff of the Washington Capitals and then see what they can do together on a line.

Now, enough with the shit talk. And, I am the liquor.

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#17 Milli
May 29 2009, 11:28AM
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Maybe they should make Nilson room with Mr Lahey, schremp with Randy and Penner with Ricky....that outta scare the Sh1t outta them

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#18 Librarian Mike
May 29 2009, 11:28AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Anyone else have a champion donair eatery to shout out?

Marco's Donair on 104th Ave and about 112 Street is great. Not only is the food good, they serve beer as well. Next time there's an ON party, maybe that should be the place.

Another great one is in the food court at Sherwood Park Mall. Damn, I'm hungry now.

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#19 DaveS
May 29 2009, 11:29AM
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@ cambosmash: Nice Rant cambosmash. Unfortunately, directed to the wrong “David/Dave S”. Guess the sh*t apple doesn’t fall far from the sh*t tree...or something like that.

But I agree, lets get that kid line in contact with the training staff of the Washington Capitals and then see what they can do together on a line.

Now, enough with the sh*t talk already. And, I am the liquor.

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#20 The Menace
May 29 2009, 11:29AM
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@ cambosmash: Muffins are really getting a bad time of it today. Standing beside thier sexy sister Cupcake, Muffin never really had a chance.

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#21 DK0
May 29 2009, 11:30AM
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@ Wanye Gretz: Shout out to all the donair places on Whyte, cause they are open when you need them most: 2:35am on a Thrusday....

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#22 Wanye Gretz
May 29 2009, 11:30AM
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@ Rick:

Those were his stats for the year before. I'll give you a little tidbit about how I write my articles Rick. I envy Willis' ability to calculate all his crazy stats and I can't interpret them as he does.

As a result I usually will put one or two facts in the articles that are wrong to see if anyone notices. Half the time no one does and the incorrect #s are entered into the internet vault for all time.

Most of the rest of my time is spent kissing the Hannah Montana pillow.

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#23 Librarian Mike
May 29 2009, 11:31AM
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DaveS wrote:

But I agree, lets get that kid line in contact with the training staff of the Washington Capitals and then see what they can do together on a line.

There isn't a steroids problem in hockey.

There also isn't one in baseball, football, athletics, track, bicycling, and weightlifting.

Duh!

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#24 DK0
May 29 2009, 11:32AM
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DK0 wrote:

@ Wanye Gretz: Shout out to all the donair places on Whyte, cause they are open when you need them most: 2:35am on a Thrusday….

Thrusday is alot like Thursday, except way sweeter.

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#25 Wanye Gretz
May 29 2009, 11:33AM
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@ DK0:

What's the donair place called that is beside the bubbles? That place is a zoo most nights. I once witnessed the craziest brawl inside that place after the bars shut and the donair cook came out with the gigantic sword he used to shave the meat and threatened the fighters.

OK I am seriously starving now.

*leaves office to go eat, is sad there are no donairs available*

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#26 Librarian Mike
May 29 2009, 11:36AM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

Also Marco's. Probably the best one in town.

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#27 DK0
May 29 2009, 11:37AM
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@ Wanye Gretz: Thats another Marco's isnt it? theres the super tiny one kind by lucky 13 too. 2 donair shops in like 1 block is awesome.

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#28 The Towel Boy
May 29 2009, 11:38AM
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You're back in fine form Wanye. Fine form.

*secretly wishes having the skillful command of mspaint that Wanye does*

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#29 jenga
May 29 2009, 11:38AM
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Wanye, the Nilsson pic made me snort coffee out of my nose.

Damn you!

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#30 Ender the Dragon
May 29 2009, 11:39AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

We all need to start thinking about our stars and goats for next year.

Are we allowed to gloat over our picks from last year yet? Did I miss the posting for that?

I had Nilsson for goat. 9 goals. The defence rests, your honor.

I picked Cogs for star, leaving the 'safe' first-line picks for others. Since Cogs was typically among the least-bashed players on the Nation last year, I take that as a 'good-enough' indicater of star-power for that roster.

Vindicated on both counts. Anyone else?

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#31 Boris
May 29 2009, 11:40AM
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Great article Wayne and I like your artistic ability.

I'd like to cut DDPP some slack, I am going to make up my mind on him after a season of having a coach who coachs and doesn't beat him with a stick when he is bad. I would also likt to wait until he has a season of playing his prefered position instead of playing the 3rd and 4th lines on the wrong wing....you know 17 goals, all things considered, is not bad.....

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#32 Librarian Mike
May 29 2009, 11:58AM
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My prediction for this year's star is Dustin Penner, who will score 30 and play like a man possessed after 2 years of MacTyranny.

My goat will be Moreau, who will not be captain by the end of this coming season.

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#33 Jason Gregor
May 29 2009, 12:06PM
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Road runner Donair on Whyte between 99 and 100 street. It is unreal...Place looks like a tad sketchy but the donair's are huge and tasty...

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#34 Cam
May 29 2009, 12:09PM
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Nice work Wanye, though I think the best case for Penner should be a bit higher. With proper motivation you know he could get 30 goals... particularly if he isn't buried on the fourth line. He could be good for 60 plus a year if he would just move his feet and impose his will a bit more. I hope they are riding him hard this summer - is he ging to go visit Chad Moreau? I think that would help.

Schremp is a frickin babypants dork. He will get a job in the NHL if he works hard and puts up points. He did neither in the AHL last year so why does he expect an NHL job. What a dork. He better bring his kneepads and a good attitude to camp or it's all over for him.

Nilsson... we won't get anything for him right now. He has potential so I would like to see what the new coaching staff can do with him. I wouldn't give up on him just yet, but nine goals is pretty bad. Marty Reasoner had 14 last year... just as a comparison.

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#35 DK0
May 29 2009, 12:11PM
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@ Jason Gregor: hoo crap, thats less then a block from my house, definitely need to check that out.

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#36 baggedmilk - IQWT
May 29 2009, 12:13PM
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These are my guarantees to you town folk in the Nation.

-The 2009 collection of Stuff by Duff is simply exquisite

-Dustin Penner will have a better year.

-Pat Quinn has yearned for years to work for a boss that grants him unlimited Viagra and Celebrex.

-Robert Nilsson will speak Swenadian to team mates elsewhere in the league.

-The IQWT (In Quinn We Trust) phenomenon will sweep through the city.

-At the news of the Quinn signing 'Old Country Buffet' owners could be heard cheering from the mountain tops.

-Patrick Kane wept onto Denis Savard's suit jacket, wiped his nose on his hankey, and continues to sleep with it.

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#37 Librarian Mike
May 29 2009, 12:25PM
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@ Jason Gregor:

Sketchy is what makes donair places awesome. Have you ever been to Berlin? Donair places up and down the streets. Best city in Europe, at least.

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#38 Chaz
May 29 2009, 12:31PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Anyone else have a champion donair eatery to shout out?

Simon King donair. It's in a strip mall on 91 st and 51 Ave. Absolutely delightful.

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#39 David S
May 29 2009, 12:32PM
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DaveS wrote:

And, I am the liquor.

I think baggedmilk is the guy here who could rightfully make that statement.

Did you hear that? It's the sh*thawks. They're coming!

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#40 David S
May 29 2009, 12:37PM
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The donair shop at Jasper and 121st. Man those guys pour on that spicy meat at 3:00 in the morning! A regular is a super anywhere else. And their Super is just ridiculous. Their poutine is pretty good too.

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#41 Librarian Mike
May 29 2009, 12:39PM
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@ David S:

Oh, good call. I forgot about that one.

baggedmilk - IQWT wrote:

-Pat Quinn has yearned for years to work for a boss that grants him unlimited Viagra and Celebrex.

Are you sure about that, Baggedmilk? I thought Viagra was made from Pat Quinn's sweat.

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#42 Chaz
May 29 2009, 12:40PM
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@ David S: I think it's called World's Finest Donairs. We better call DDPP for confirmation...

And shouldn't it be 'DSDPP'? (Dustin Super Donair Please Penner)

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#43 baggedmilk - IQWT
May 29 2009, 12:41PM
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@ Librarian Mike:

A common misconception. Although his sweat actually smells like sewage and A&W. It's why he commands such respect, so that he doesn't have to get worked up.

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#44 cambosmash
May 29 2009, 12:54PM
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High Voltage on Gateway and 63rd grills their donairs. I know you shouldn't mess with the magic that is donair, but the grilling with oil and spices was delicious. Don't worry, the meat still comes of a rotating spit that has been turning the same piece for days. What do they do with that meat at night is what I want to know? Just keep it rotating? Turn it off and leave it? Refrigerate it? Throw it in a dumpster? If so, I'll be hanging out behind donair shops every night until my heart stops.

I always thought that was a coffee shop.

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#45 FS
May 29 2009, 12:58PM
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The best is Swiss Donair on 144 and 82st.@ Wanye Gretz:

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#46 Chaz
May 29 2009, 01:03PM
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The only negative of the cup run of '06, besides losing of course, was the rash of people getting sick from under cooked donair meat (Not making this up). Apparantly, it was so busy and the stores on Whyte were selling them so fast, the meat didn't have time to properly cook on the spit before being sliced off.

I had a few during the run too, but luckily my stomach was filled with enough booze to kill off the bacteria. Is there anything a copious amount of alcohol can't do?...

*Twinges as the anticipation of drinking tonight jolts through his body like a strike of lightning. Drinking problem? What drinking problem?

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#47 Chaz
May 29 2009, 01:08PM
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@ Ender the Dragon: I had Grebs for my star after being challenged to do so by WG when I tried to defend him from Wayne's brutal attack ads. I think I also had Hemmer as a star, but that was a safe bet....I think...

Pretty sure I had Dustin 'Snacks' Penner as my goat, but I can't remember for sure.

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#48 BUCK75
May 29 2009, 01:10PM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

ROFL - Your MSPaint skills have improved 10 fold in the past year. The signing off is difficult with the mouse, I suggest investing in a pen.

I haven't had a donair in ages, although I do like muffins & butter.

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#49 RossCreek
May 29 2009, 01:21PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

@ David S: I am seriously thinking about a donair too now. I only roll two places in town for donairs. Queen Donair on 154st and Stony Plain Road and the Donair Station in the west end near Terra Losa. Anyone else have a champion donair eatery to shout out?

Well I had other plans, but a donair it is. SUBJOINT in Fort Saskatchewan makes thee best donairs.

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#50 Jonathan Willis
May 29 2009, 01:23PM
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RE: Schremp

I'm not sure why the coaching change is portrayed so often as good for Schremp. If Quinn wants:

a) every line to be somewhat reliable in any given situation

and

b) prefers up-tempo physical play

where does Schremp fit in? At least under MacTavish there was a designated soft minutes line (although Schremp couldn't crack it) to deploy offensive specialists. It doesn't sound like Quinn plans to do anything of the sort.

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