It's not us, it's you

Wanye
July 02 2009 11:45AM

heatleydevil

On behalf of the City of Edmonton and Oilers fans around the world, a big thank you goes out to Dany Heatley for the 1,438,983rd kick to the nuts in recent memory.

Our phone was blowing up all the live long day yesterday with people lamenting “oh this Heatley business is the worst thing that has ever happened. It’s Chris Pronger all over again. No one wants to play here. It’s all over. At best all we will be able to do is ice an AHL team. At worst the Oilers will have to relocate because they can’t get anyone to play here.”

Read our lips everyone:

Get fucking real.

Everyone needs to collectively shake this off immediately and get some sense back in our heads.

Every single hockey related decision cannot be treated as a direct blow to our cumulative civic pride. Dany Heatley didn’t just make this a bad city. He didn’t just knock 15 grand off the value of your house or add 8 new traffic lights on your drive into work. This isn’t about having bad weather or a lack of shopping or something equally lame that has caused some multimillionaire athlete to want to play elsewhere in the past. If this was a simple Nylander-esque slap to the face we would be a bit more concerned for the prospects of the Oil.

No, this is something much stranger, much more sinister.

This sounds like a guy who is batshit crazy

homer-crazy

Our man Daniel Heatley here is a guy who is already dealing with Britney Spears circa 2008 level of head case-ity to begin with. Let’s recap shall we? Demanding a trade is a sticky business at the best of times. Letting your agent do all the talking in the media and forcing your current team's hand is classy at best. Letting your neighbour speak on your behalf is some kind of insanity all too often seen amongst "athletes with talent but don't fulfill their promise due to being a headcase but usually get away with it." Indicating that you would be willing to play in Edmonton and then later squashing the deal is virtually unheard of even by these same standards.

The problem here isn’t the City of Edmonton, the Northern Climate, West Edmonton Mall or the Edmonton Oilers Hockey Club. This is a Dany Heatley problem. Go read some of the articles about it in Ottawa if you don't believe us:

“Here was a case of a player WANTING to be traded, but still holding say in his destination. And this is where Heatley's escape plan fell apart, like the friendly neighbourhood bank robber holding millions in his meaty hands, only to see his get-away car towed from a no-parking zone. In theory, it was fine for Heatley to draw up his dream list of destinations. He could imagine himself as a Los Angeles King or a Vancouver Canuck, a San Jose Shark or a New York Ranger. When his wish dwindled down to the Rangers, and then the Ranger offer was pulled off the table, this was what remained: A single offer from a club not among the Chosen Ones. The Edmonton Oilers, desperate for a big-time shooter like Heatley to ignite a powder dry offence, had put a significant package together. So, what to do, Dany? Go to Edmonton, with Oil management and players begging you to jump in, the water's fine? Or take the risk that Murray, if forced to pay that $4 million after midnight, never finds another deal he considers fair and tells you to show up at Ottawa's training camp? This was Heatley's Sophie's Choice as the clock approached midnight and the Oilers put on a full-court press to woo him.”

See? There isn’t a single mention of Pronger, Lupul, Comrie or of Edmonton being a craphole. The consensus seems to be that the problem lies in Heatley’s court. For the life of us we cannot figure out why the citizens of the OilersNation are always the first ones to line up and torture ourselves with bigger issues of identity and self worth time and time again.

This is a guy who was already hated in Ottawa before he took it to a whole new level of insanity:

"Dany's parents (Murray and Karin) dropped over to our place the other day," Molloy said by telephone from Calgary. "They said, 'Everyone is crucifying Dany.' His mother is very upset. And the attacks are all personal stuff, about his character."

And now? After all of these shenanigans? Let’s take a gander at another article in the Ottawa Citizen:

“As usual, the Oilers come out of this looking just a little bit sad. They had arguably the league’s best defenceman at the time, Chris Pronger, walk out on them because his wife didn’t like the weather. Then Michael Nylander apparently agrees to play for the Oil before bolting to Washington, apparently because his wife didn’t like the city either. But hey, Heatley isn’t married, so no problem, right? Yes, still a problem. Now the Oilers are once again playing the part of the loser in a lopsided relationship, sucking up to Heatley because they think he’s too good for them anyways. This, despite the knowledge that he could turn around and do the same thing to them that he’s doing to the Senators right now. There will be a point at which Heatley’s actions so poison everyone’s opinion of him that he becomes untradeable, even to the Edmonton Oilers. He and his agents should be asking themselves what comes next if they don’t accept this deal. Sit out and not get paid at all? Come back to Ottawa to play, only to be booed every time his hyper-expensive toe touches the ice? And the Edmonton Oilers should be asking themselves why they want to make this deal at all”

"Untradeable, even to the Edmonton Oilers?" When exactly did we become "that team?" We aren't the Kansas City Royals or the Los Angeles Clippers. We aren't the laughing stock of the league or a Franchise that won't ever win again. We are a hotbed of hockey with an extraordinarily passionate fan base, committed gajillionaire owner and a boatload of potential.

And we need to start acting like it again.

We don’t know about you, but this might be a good time to collectively stand up and decide we are no longer the weak sister of the league. We are no longer small market - with our balling owner flinging hojillions of dollars around from a solid gold Lear Jet. We are no longer the Oilers Alumni network - with Pat Quinn, Tom Renney and Steve Tambellini (all elite coaching and management types) tickling the ivories on our behalf. The first step to becoming a powerhouse is to decide mentally you are capable of being great. Living life with a permanent dark cloud of "it's cold here, we are screwed" hanging over this great City ain't it kids. At some point we have to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and rebuild the pride that was a hallmark of this team.

We could personally give two squirts of whizz if Heatley comes to this team anymore. Sure he is a prolific goal scorer and all the rest. But he is also seemingly the biggest prick around, or possibly certifiably insane. We would rather Dustin Penner, who at the least is just lazy. And we'd also like it if everyone could just get an ounce of swagger back in their stride. That would be great too.

Go to it Tambo, Lowe, Katz, Renney, Quinn and the other 1,205 people who are probably madder than any of us can imagine today. We are squarely behind you and we salute your efforts. But don't kiss the ass of a loser. We don't need to become the desperate chick at the dance who will go home with anyone on the football team. We are much too good to become her.

Oh and to all the people who knew why Pronger left town but decided to sit on the story? Thanks for that wise decision. It's still paying dividends around the league.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 Rusty Shackleford
July 02 2009, 11:37AM
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It's a hard life being an Oiler fan.

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#2 Wanye Gretz
July 02 2009, 11:42AM
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Rusty Shackleford wrote:

It’s a hard life being an Oiler fan.

Rusty - does this sound like swagger to you? Or does it sound like more pussy talk?

CHIN UP MY MAN

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#3 bingofuel
July 02 2009, 11:42AM
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Thanks for the injection of much-needed sanity and cool-headedness back into the conversation, Wanye. Uncharacteristic clarity from you is always welcome.

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#4 Chris.
July 02 2009, 11:42AM
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Tambo should pull his offer. Edmonton shouldn't be percieved as a last resort destination...

Let's salavge some self respect.

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#5 erixon
July 02 2009, 11:43AM
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Rusty Shackleford wrote:

It’s a hard life being an Oiler fan.

Does this make us gangsta?

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#6 mattmarcin
July 02 2009, 11:44AM
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Ill never give up on the Oil but im damn close.

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#7 Wanye Gretz
July 02 2009, 11:44AM
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@ bingofuel:

I'm tired of people running down Edmonton and the Oilers. The fact that the first people in line to do it is Edmontonians and Oilers fans has to stop.

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#8 Wanye Gretz
July 02 2009, 11:45AM
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mattmarcin wrote:

Ill never give up on the Oil but im damn close.

Give up on the Oilers? Are you out of your mind? Go stand with the other pussies until you want to dust em off and come back toughened up.

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#9 Jonathan Willis
July 02 2009, 11:45AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

I’m tired of people running down Edmonton and the Oilers. The fact that the first people in line to do it is Edmontonians and Oilers fans has to stop.

+1. My god, +1.

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#10 scorecoff hemmercules
July 02 2009, 11:46AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

mattmarcin wrote: Ill never give up on the Oil but im damn close. Give up on the Oilers? Are you out of your mind. Go stand in the pussy lineup and leave.

Very nice, my sentiments exactly!

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#11 mattmarcin
July 02 2009, 11:51AM
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Ahhh im a loyalist c'mon!

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#12 Deans
July 02 2009, 11:52AM
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Good point about how the media's refusing to report why Pronger left had negatively effecting Edmonton's reputation. EVERYONE knows that he (yeah we do - WG). Here is my take: players who want to play in a good organization with passionate fans will want to play here. Player who doesn’t want the pressure of a hockey market won’t be attracted to Edmonton. Players who want an exciting life outside of hockey won’t want to play here. Players with delusions of grandeur won’t want to play here. Heatley falls into the third category. He wants to play on a big stage that will get him greater exposure around the world. Edmonton doesn’t offer that.

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#13 Rusty Shackleford
July 02 2009, 11:53AM
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Sorry, I didn't speak in rap speak.

Correction: It's a hard knocked life being an Oilers fan.

*crawls back under rock*

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#14 Doug
July 02 2009, 11:54AM
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Damn right Wayne! We have FIVE STANLEY CUPS. I know, I know, the eighties were a while ago but some of us still have a hard time forgetting that during those eighties we did ice the GREATEST SINGLE ICE HOCKEY SQUADRON OF ALL TIME.

This team isn't the Clippers, that's for sure as hell. We're looking more like the Lakers, especially when Kay-Z orders the contstruction of Staples Center North.

Baller owner, proud tradition, creators of an exciting fast paced play style. All we need now is our Kobe Bryant.

But Dany Heatley ain't him.

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#15 socaldave
July 02 2009, 11:54AM
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~single tear of pride slides down my cheek, as I pledge allegiance to the House of Wanye~

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#16 erixon
July 02 2009, 11:56AM
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I heard Dany Heatley makes himself feel better by altering songs and performing them:

You see I'm, just Dany Heatley I'm just a #1 guy, I don't know why all the fuss about me (fuss about me) Nobody ever gave a f**k before, all they did was love me (did was love me) Now everybody wanna run they mouth and try to take shots at me (take shots at me)

Cause I'm, just Dany Heatley (Dany Heatley) I'm not a regular guy, I won't play if you talk about me (you talk about me) Come and see me in Kelowna alone if you a**holes doubt me (a**holes doubt me) And if you wanna run your mouth then come offer your best trade with me (your best trade with me)

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#17 Wanye Gretz
July 02 2009, 11:57AM
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mattmarcin wrote:

Ahhh im a loyalist c’mon!

Then act like it Matt! If you are writing on this site in the middle of Jule you are clearly a big fan. Wear it with pride.

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#18 cambosmash
July 02 2009, 11:57AM
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I can't wait until someone else does come in so we can praise him as a hero and Godsend. Then when the Oilers take on the Sens we can watch our new hero rip Heatley's arms out of their sockets and beat him with them. He'll be getting beat with his own arms and it will be magical. I will never give up on this team.

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#19 Deans
July 02 2009, 11:57AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

I’m tired of people running down Edmonton and the Oilers. The fact that the first people in line to do it is Edmontonians and Oilers fans has to stop.

I love this city but I can completly understand why some people might consider Edmonton an underdeveloped, boring shithole. Culturally there isnt much to do here. Its not all our fault, only having two good weather months, definatly puts Edmonton under the eight ball.

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#20 Wanye Gretz
July 02 2009, 11:57AM
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Doug wrote:

Baller owner, proud tradition, creators of an exciting fast paced play style. All we need now is our Kobe Bryant.

Remember when Bryant wanted to be traded from the Lakers and they told him to shut up?

And he did?

We need some of that.

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#21 TIM S
July 02 2009, 11:58AM
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Wow!! Dany Heatley is not a pretty man.

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#22 Wanye Gretz
July 02 2009, 11:58AM
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@ cambosmash:

That's more like it. Make no mistake everyone - this is just a low point. Superstars will return here and we will be a contender once again.

How we treat players on and off the ice and how we allow ourselves to be portrayed on the international scene will have a lot to do with how fast this happens.

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#23 humantorch
July 02 2009, 11:59AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

@ bingofuel: I’m tired of people running down Edmonton and the Oilers. The fact that the first people in line to do it is Edmontonians and Oilers fans has to stop.

A-holy-f**king-men.

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#24 Rick
July 02 2009, 12:00PM
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I really wish that Tambellini would have publically pulled the offer the moment Heatley refused to sign off on it.

Reading about the Oilers shunning a good player is a hell of a lot better than reading about yet another player not wanting to play in Edmonton.

It drives my nuts when the media jumps on this angle. Spector's article the other day was the capper, not so much for what he wrote but because he is a guy that will consitantly preach on about how Oilers fans have to move on and quite harping over this stuff....low and behold first guy back on the train is him.

Worst part is that for as much as it grates on me, I don't actually expected better from the media anymore.

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#25 Wanye Gretz
July 02 2009, 12:00PM
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Rusty Shackleford wrote:

*crawls back under rock*

You come out from under that rock right now! Look at you all dirty and rock hiding. You are Rusty Shackleford! You once killed a man in prison just to set the tone!

I REPEAT. CHIN UP

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#26 The Towel Boy
July 02 2009, 12:00PM
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Great stuff Wanye...

*slow clap*

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#27 Doug
July 02 2009, 12:00PM
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I'm now hoping he stays in Ottawa, and when we play them this year some how, some way somebody beats the crap out of him.

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#28 Wanye Gretz
July 02 2009, 12:01PM
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Rick wrote:

Spector’s article the other day was the capper, not so much for what he wrote but because he is a guy that will consitantly preach on about how Oilers fans have to move on and quite harping over this stuff….low and behold first guy back on the train is him

Spector is a moron who hasn't had 1/5 of the career he thinks he has. I hated him when I read his articles in the Journal when I was 10 and I hate him now. That blog was another unneeded slap to the face from some dick.

It's high time we start slapping back.

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#29 Curious
July 02 2009, 12:02PM
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Well said Wanye. I am sure the Oil Brass are working on bringing a sane individual to our team as we speak. We need to be patient and not get down on our city.

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#30 Doug
July 02 2009, 12:03PM
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I PUT ON FOR MY CITY!

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#31 Deans
July 02 2009, 12:03PM
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@ cambosmash:

Being critical or realistic about The Oilers doesn’t equate 'giving up on my team'. I know that you might not be suggesting this but I also think that the constant obsession about the glory days has contributed to this inferiority complex that Oilers fans have developed. I know I'm in the minority, but I really hope the Oilers organization ramps down the propaganda about the 'Glory Days'. That horse is beaten to death. If I have to sit through another pretentious 1 hr ceremony I am going to lose my preverbal sh*t.

On a side note why are columnists allowed to curse but not posters?

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#32 Wanye Gretz
July 02 2009, 12:04PM
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Doug wrote:

I PUT ON FOR MY CITY!

There you go Doug.

Young Jeezy would be proud.

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#33 Curious
July 02 2009, 12:05PM
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@ Deans:

We have more festivals here then any other place in North America. Edmonton has lots of culture. Get outside and enjoy some of it.

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#34 MikeP
July 02 2009, 12:05PM
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Doug wrote:

I’m now hoping he stays in Ottawa, and when we play them this year some how, some way somebody beats the crap out of him.

Why?

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#35 Bruthah
July 02 2009, 12:05PM
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Wow, I just realized if we got Heatley, there would be 2 players on the team with WOLF EYES!

That just blows my mind.

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#36 bingofuel
July 02 2009, 12:05PM
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@ Deans:

We have an auto-filter for swearing. sometimes we let swears through. Sometimes swearing is excessive and ridiculous. So we filter and change as we see fit.

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#37 ronald
July 02 2009, 12:06PM
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@ Wanye Gretz: Ya! Ef you Heatley! We are too damn good for you. Recognize! *grabs crotch* These here are called balls and they are Edmonton size, no room for you here homie. Slither back to where you came from.

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#38 Wanye Gretz
July 02 2009, 12:06PM
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Deans wrote:

I also think that the constant obsession about the glory days has contributed to this inferiority complex that Oilers fans have developed. I know I’m in the minority, but I really hope the Oilers organization ramps down the propaganda about the ‘Glory Days’. That horse is beaten to death. If I have to sit through another pretentious 1 hr ceremony I am going to lose my preverbal sh*t

I think you are bang on here too Deans. It's time to start focusing on the new Glory Years. I am not an Oilers fan because Jari Kurri scored 40 goals in 1987 and a great many of us aren't either.

After they retire MacT and K-Lowe and we all cheer for their contributions we can officially put those years to bed for all eternity.

The glory years nostalgia need to end.

AGREED.

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#39 Deans
July 02 2009, 12:08PM
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Ah come on! Spector is a good columnist. He offers a different perspective on the Oilers that is refreshing. I don’t agree with his articles but they usually question my conceptualization of The Oilers. This is what a good columnist should do. He isn’t as skilled as Brownlee but I do appreciate his perspective.

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#40 Doug
July 02 2009, 12:09PM
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@ MikeP:

Why? Because I wish I could be the one beating on Dany Heatley's face.

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#41 Deans
July 02 2009, 12:09PM
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@ bingofuel:

Fair enough. I suppose you dont want to scare off the Zender Ford's of the world with idiocy.

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#42 onehitwonder
July 02 2009, 12:09PM
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Agreed but Yeoeeeooow! Someone isn't pretending his mom is reading over his shoulder!

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#43 bingofuel
July 02 2009, 12:11PM
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@ Deans:

Actually, from my perspective it has very little to do with advertisers, and more to do with some of the youngins we hope read the website because they love the Oil.

I love swearing, and interlace curse words with most of my speech. But I get that some people aren't cool with that. Anyway, back to the discussion!

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#44 Jonathan Willis
July 02 2009, 12:12PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Rusty Shackleford wrote: *crawls back under rock* You come out from under that rock right now! Look at you all dirty and rock hiding. You are Rusty Shackleford! You once killed a man in prison just to set the tone! I REPEAT. CHIN UP

I'll admit it, I'm laughing.

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#45 Wanye Gretz
July 02 2009, 12:12PM
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@ Deans:

Spector delighted in ragging on the team when he was here as my 10 year old recollection goes. I used to think Brownlee was the greatest writer of all and I hated Spector. I would gather with my Atom hockey team and dissect his articles at length.

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#46 freeze
July 02 2009, 12:12PM
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Heatley reminds me of the monkey with his hand in the cookie jar. He's trapped because he is holding onto that cookie but is too stubborn to let go so he can get his damn hand out before the zoo keeper shoots him with a tranquilizer.

Let it go Dan! let it go.

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#47 KayleW
July 02 2009, 12:13PM
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ATTA BOY WANYE well said and at this point Heatley would take his life in his own hands even if he agreed to come to E-town cuz the fans would never forgive him

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#48 Doug
July 02 2009, 12:14PM
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Sometimes you need to swear for emphasis and this was one of those times.

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#49 Wanye Gretz
July 02 2009, 12:15PM
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@ bingofuel:

If everyone was allowed to swear it would be a zoo in here. It is already a zoo I suppose but the animals would be cursing to boot.

@ Jonathan Willis:

+1. To my knowledge this is the first time I have made you laugh.

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#50 RossCreek
July 02 2009, 12:17PM
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dantencer Latest update from Oilers: Not set in stone that we hear from the management team today. 4 minutes ago from web

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