Three things we can’t wrap our minds around

Wanye
July 08 2009 09:58AM

complex

What do you do when it’s the middle of the off season and you are supposed to talk Oilers 24/7? What if there is no Oilers news? What if all of a sudden the site has grown again and now 21,000 people have visited the website in the past two days wanting to read Oilers related somethings and only that?  We can't handle this kind of pressure! You people are animals and y-

*starts to cry*

There are several approaches to solving this weighty problem today July 8, 2009:

You can go for volume

eklund

We had never heard about this Eklund until Willis wrote that article about him. Let’s be honest, an old guy throwing out Nashville Predator trade rumors with an undecipherable (E-something) rating system isn’t exactly the kind of thing that makes ol’ Wanye get up in the morning and race to his compumatrix. Now turn him from an old guy into a hot lady, give her a nice rack and put her in a scenario where the pizza delivery guy needs to be paid for the pizza and make a movie about it. Then we will be paying rapt attention each and every day.

We have heard and read a lot of people hating on this nice Indiana Jones looking chap and couldn’t really understand the nature of the vitriol. Having been to his site and looked around we don’t see anything that is really deserving of all this hatorade but we also don’t get his schtick. For the life of us we can’t wrap our minds around why this dude just pumps out fake trade rumors all day long. There are lots of different NHL related things to talk about in the day. Why just focus on this?

We are having a hard time wrapping our brain around reporting on the Oilers 24/7. Can you imagine trying to report on TRADE RUMORS 24/7? Of course he has a 0.000014% accuracy rating. If he reported the trades as they were to occur he would post about 20 articles all year long.

You can watch the poll

wtf1

And you can similtaneously curse the day Mr. and Mrs. Heatley knocked boots over a box of red wine and an 8 track cassette of Air Supply.

You want Dany Heatley to come to Edmonton still? What in the sweet holy hell are we doing here Nation? This used to be 73% No and 27% percent Yes! Now the Yes’ are winning? Are you that desperate? Do any of you have sisters that are that desperate? Cause if you do tell them to hit us up at twitter.com/wanyegretz and we will put them to good work acting out a play about a pizza delivery guy who needs to get paid for his pizza.

Great Gods of Hockey – we just can’t wrap our minds around why anyone in these parts would be cheering for Dany Heatley to do anything except get creamed by a bus. Please people who voted “Yes to Heatley being an Oiler” in the past 48 hours. Explain what has happened to make you think “yeah, you know what – I DO want this unbelievable douchebag to wear the Copper and Blue. I don’t care how much of a train wreck he is or how little regard he is showing for his current club. Things will change once he gets HERE by gum!”

Seriously though, please explain.

You can talk bullshit and wait

Have you ever seen this video which was picked up by sewer snakecam in North Carolina? It’s 100% real and mad disgusting. Some brainy interweb types are saying that it is a clump of annelid worms but we think it looks more like how we imagine Lauren Pronger looked before she assumed human form, exited the sewers and began to seek a human mate. We have watched this a few times and we have not been able to wrap our minds around it either.

Until something happens of note, may this video haunt your dreams.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#51 Mike Krushelnyski
July 08 2009, 11:05AM
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@ cambosmash: I want to be the guy who counts elm trees for the city. That sounds like a sweet gig

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#52 dyckster
July 08 2009, 11:08AM
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Chaz wrote:

Now am I’m confused. If we get Heatley does this mean we’ll finish 7th (Halfway between 4th and 11th)? But in which conference??

Half way between 4th and 11th is actually 7.5...sorry, I just had to say it.

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#53 Doug
July 08 2009, 11:10AM
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Does the team that finishes in 7.5th place still make the playoffs?

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#54 IgorUlanov
July 08 2009, 11:10AM
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So here I was, eager to check the ol' Nation and see what the latest on Dany Heatley was. Large Double-Double? Check. Blueberry Bagel? Check. Internet connection? Check. The morning was looking top notch. Until I scroll down and click on a video of breathing poop.

Now I've had my share of 'crappy' mornings. I've had numerous days ruined by random acts of bizzarity. But having a relaxing (and previously hungry) morning ruined by a freaky sewer monster video is a new one.

Heck, I even defended you guys yesterday regarding the "Rushgate" controversy. But until I can safely take a crap without triple checking the contents of my toilet before sitting down I think Wayne Gretz is off my list of favorite people.

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#55 IgorUlanov
July 08 2009, 11:15AM
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Oh, and I'm surprised nobody has made a 'Dany Heately sighting in North Carolina' joke yet...

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#56 Rice
July 08 2009, 11:17AM
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Jason Gregor wrote:

Rice wrote: vote for Heatley because it has been what 12 years since someone of the copper and blue scored 39 goals. And that is an off season for heater. I will put up with a lot of crap for a bit of that. Worse than that my man…18 years since Petr “garbage pail helmet” Klima scored 40. You take Heatley in a second and don’t worry about it.

Didn't Smyth have 39 goals in 96/97?

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#57 Mike Krushelnyski
July 08 2009, 11:18AM
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@ IgorUlanov: I think I speak for the rest of the office-jockeys when I say that we have no sympathy for someone who eats breakfast at 11:00, no matter how badly it was ruined!

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#58 Archaeologuy
July 08 2009, 11:21AM
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Rice wrote:

Didn’t Smyth have 39 goals in 96/97?

1997+12=2009 So....yes.

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#59 Andrew W
July 08 2009, 11:22AM
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@ IgorUlanov:

Igor, I don't understand why you haven't fallen back onto your old reliable solution for such issues: mass quantities of wodka.

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#60 IgorUlanov
July 08 2009, 11:23AM
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Mike Krushelnyski wrote:

@ IgorUlanov: I think I speak for the rest of the office-jockeys when I say that we have no sympathy for someone who eats breakfast at 11:00, no matter how badly it was ruined!

Haha...not my fault. I'm on Fort McMurray time. I got in line in Tim's at like 8am.

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#61 offside
July 08 2009, 11:23AM
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I heard that video isn't actually of a sewer, it's a colonoscopy video. I think the lesson here is don't believe everything you see on the internet, I guess this ties into the Eklund discussion as well.

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#62 Milli
July 08 2009, 11:25AM
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I'm going to Kelowna next week, so, let's make a new poll. Who wants me to kick Dany Heatley's teeth in? I have my own opinion, but I'll go with the majority!!!! And, ya, I want to kick his teeth in, then, I want him to come to Etown and score 50. I know, I know, I can't believe it either.

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#63 patty
July 08 2009, 11:26AM
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Andrew W wrote:

@ IgorUlanov: Igor, I don’t understand why you haven’t fallen back onto your old reliable solution for such issues: mass quantities of wodka.

And pizza too. Didn't someone say they saw Ulanov at a bar once and he ate 2 large pizzas in about 3 minutes? Or was that in my dreams?

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#64 Mike Krushelnyski
July 08 2009, 11:31AM
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@ patty: Finally, an Oilers record within Penner's grasp!

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#65 RobInALab
July 08 2009, 11:32AM
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I'll still take Heatley, and my position on that hasn't changed since the news first broke on June 30th.

This has no bearing on like or dislike for the guy. His continued silence is making me dislike him more and more. I'll still want him here even if I start hating his guts... until you show me another 30-40 goal scorer that we're actively pursuing. Until the Oilers show me someone else that will force Hemmer to either take his game to the true star level or expose him as a good player who will always flirt with episodes of greatness.

PS: I only voted once on the poll.

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#66 RBK
July 08 2009, 11:33AM
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@ Milli:

You should totally send us pictures of his house. I bet Wanye will put them up and draw on them.

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#67 Rusty Shackleford
July 08 2009, 11:37AM
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As of today the Heatley deal is still the best move IMO. I really don't worry too much about his attitude, all I can think of is

Hemmer to Heatley - GOAL! Hemmer to Horcoff - Over the Glass! Hemmer to Heatley - GOAL!

My welcome basket is ready. Get it done.

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#68 5cups
July 08 2009, 11:46AM
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Please do not link that Eklund site to this one. Thinking you had some funny sites linked, I cliked throgh and gave that a** 2 more hits.

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#69 NonMint
July 08 2009, 11:47AM
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Mike Krushelnyski wrote:

@ patty: Finally, an Oilers record within Penner’s grasp!

That is if he can put down the donair.

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#70 Greg MC
July 08 2009, 11:48AM
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You don't win without elite players. I am thankful that our owner wants to win also and will spend to do so and to try and make the team a desirable location for top talent. Time for the playoffs and Dany boy will help us reach that goal this year, no doubt!

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#71 MattN
July 08 2009, 11:58AM
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Conversation between Murray and Heatly

DH- This team sucks, the press is up my butt and the fans are creepy stalkers who dig through my garbage. I want a trade! Here is a list of teams I am willing to go to. BM- I notishh Edmonton ishn't on here. Whatever, I am trading you there anywaysh. DH- but,but,but.... I negotiated a NTC in my contract with you last year. BM- Shtupid boy, I am going to leak the deal to make you look like an ash and put presshure on you to accshept. DH- The Oilers haven't made the playoffs in 3 years and the fans have ridden Pronger, Comrie and Lupul out of town in the last few years. They are going to hate me if I make too much money and don't kill people every shift. Just ask Penner. BM- You have no choish now. I jusht shigned Kovalev. DH- I am just going to keep quiet and hope some other GM tries to put a package together soon.

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#72 alphah
July 08 2009, 11:58AM
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i saw this video like last year and i have been wondering ever since what the f@#$ that stuff is.... hasn't anyone figured it out yet?

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#73 The Pestival
July 08 2009, 11:59AM
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Well I live in Kelowna and I know where Heatley's place so for a free Oilers Nation t-shirt I'll drive by it and shake my fist menacingly!

That video was disgusting. Damn you, damn you, damn you. What the hell do people in North Carolina eat? Apparently alien testicles.

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#74 bingofuel
July 08 2009, 12:00PM
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@ alphah:

here's the most updated information I could find on these weird monsters: http://www.boingboing.net/2009/07/06/north-carolina-sewer.html

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#75 5cups
July 08 2009, 12:17PM
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I think you have to still want Heatley in Edmonton. If you have job applications out with 4 companies and you are in a situation where you can afford to wait to hear back from them, do you? Say you get 3 interviews and the first one offers a good package before you hear back from the one you really want: Who in their right mind would not chase up the others to see if they are going to get the job? He is a bastard, but when was the last time we had a real first line? We could have one even with Horc on it, in fact he might be the perfect match as he could be a bit more responsible and let hemmer and heatley get her done. Horc could actually put up numbers that look fair for his contract. And how cool would a tripple H line be?

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#76 Wainwright Dan
July 08 2009, 12:23PM
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A well done read on what actually went down between KLowe and Heatley in Kelowna ... http://www.downgoesbrown.com/2009/07/dany-heatley-trade.html

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#77 Wainwright Dan
July 08 2009, 12:24PM
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Also, that pic of Eklund looks like Neuman from Seinfeld.

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#78 Jason Gregor
July 08 2009, 12:25PM
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Rice wrote:

Jason Gregor wrote: Rice wrote: vote for Heatley because it has been what 12 years since someone of the copper and blue scored 39 goals. And that is an off season for heater. I will put up with a lot of crap for a bit of that. Worse than that my man…18 years since Petr “garbage pail helmet” Klima scored 40. You take Heatley in a second and don’t worry about it. Didn’t Smyth have 39 goals in 96/97?

That doesn't make him a 40 goal scorer...but yes he did...one time..he had 36 his last full year as an Oiler as well.

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#79 Morghasm
July 08 2009, 12:33PM
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@ Bill Rizer: @ Doug: So you're basing salary levels on how much someone can contribute as a leader and an icon, or being the face of a franchise?

So let's think about this - that means for you, a player's salary has two components: what they produce on the ice (points, defence, etc) and what they bring as a person/leader/icon. Is the second part of this equation really so important that it should have that much impact on what they get paid? And how do you value that "soft skills" contribution?

Does that mean someone like Moreau is actually worth his current salary? Sure he's low on points and is the grand master is idiotic penalities, but HEY, he's a leader!!! I don't think so.

Being the face of the team or bringing great leadership are important elements on a team. Do they need to come from your offensive superstar? No.

Is it worth $7.5 million to have someone who might net 100 points and (hopefully) turn Hemksy into the mad point machine he should be, even if the dude's maybe a douche? Yes.

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#80 Spot The Loon
July 08 2009, 12:34PM
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Actually, that video is probably of Wanye's ass puckering when he had that nasty cyst removed. ;-)

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#81 cambosmash
July 08 2009, 12:37PM
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That kind of looks like an overly veiny testicle. Maybe it's an animal in severe pain with his nuts caught in some sort pipe.

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#82 risto
July 08 2009, 12:39PM
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I was thinking the exact same thing, Wanye, as I was about to load up the nation page on lunch break.

I am amazed at how well your team has kept our interest in this post-FAF (free agent frenzy) vacuum since July 1, and basically we all come back to find out what management is going to do to patch the holes in our beloved, but beleaguered franchise. You guys rock. Fame's a bitch, just ask Heatley and see the psycho ON posters who want to harass him in Kelowna.

I'm surprised we didn't give Roli the 2 years, as he is leaving to backup in NYI, and likely we would want to break in a new starter slowly. logic does not compute the 4 year deal with Bulin, especially when you read David S's recap of SCP 2006 and Roli wanting the 4 year deal @ 36 years of age........

Why does management disrepect the fan favourites so much? Roli is well loved by the lil' Oilsters (young fans)

I'm actually scared to do the math which is prohibiting us from signing ANY free agents, since we have exactly one potential all-star on our team, and Cogs/Gags on their entry level deals.

I am disappointed we shopped 3 of our younger players with great NHL futures, yet are still apparently keeping our overpaid depth players.

Hope abounds, the summer's young, and keep it up Oilers Nation! we salute you Edmonton!

~weeps quietly, no ACDC tix~

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#83 Doug
July 08 2009, 12:41PM
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@ Morghasm: What I meant by my comments were that if you can aquire a player whose on-ice accomplishments warrant a huge salary, I would prefer that player to also bring intangibles such as being comfortable being "The Man" on the team.

I still think guys should get paid based on their hockey skills and that's it. Not saying a guy like Moreau can earn his contract by scoring 0 all year long and then talking a big game in the locker room. Part of being a good leader is doing it by example.

Heatley wouldn't just be the best player on our team, I think it's fair to call him one of the very best in the NHL. When you have a player whose ability warrants him being ranked in the top ten, for my money, i want him to be a least a decent character guy as well. To me the optics of this make Heatley look more like a hired gun.

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#84 risto
July 08 2009, 12:43PM
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@ Wainwright Dan:

Lowe/Heatley: Classic!

Hello, Newman! We might need to fumigate around here

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#85 Robin Brownlee
July 08 2009, 12:48PM
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MattN wrote:

Conversation between Murray and Heatly DH- This team sucks, the press is up my butt and the fans are creepy stalkers who dig through my garbage. I want a trade! Here is a list of teams I am willing to go to. BM- I notishh Edmonton ishn’t on here. Whatever, I am trading you there anywaysh. DH- but,but,but…. I negotiated a NTC in my contract with you last year. BM- Shtupid boy, I am going to leak the deal to make you look like an ash and put presshure on you to accshept. DH- The Oilers haven’t made the playoffs in 3 years and the fans have ridden Pronger, Comrie and Lupul out of town in the last few years. They are going to hate me if I make too much money and don’t kill people every shift. Just ask Penner. BM- You have no choish now. I jusht shigned Kovalev. DH- I am just going to keep quiet and hope some other GM tries to put a package together soon.

Brilliant. I thought about writing the same kind of thing years ago after Bryan and I talked on the phone just after Kevin Lowe queered the Mike Comrie deal with his 11th-hour request for $2.5 million. You can imagine the conversation (I still laugh when I think about it) with BM really pissed . . . Nice work.

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#86 Garett
July 08 2009, 01:13PM
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Nice hat and Pleather jacket you moronic hopeless douche weasel. Eklund has the worst site on the interweb! Heatley is a must! I will not question his integrity or leadership abilities until he shows what he can do for the Oil. I love his style and pure Snipe-ability! There are not a handful of these SA (Special Agent) Snipers in the league and I would welcome him with open Rexall Place Gates!

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#87 Bill Rizer
July 08 2009, 01:17PM
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@ Morghasm: I agree with Doug. Plus you know that I think we should shed salary/dump some vets and hit bottom. I'd rather suffer for two to three seasons than continue to bandaid our way into the playoffs over and over again.

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#88 Milli
July 08 2009, 01:25PM
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@ Wainwright Dan: Man that was funny!!!!!!

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#89 scorecoff hemmercules
July 08 2009, 01:30PM
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All these imagined conversations I've been reading over the past couple days are pretty funny. That said, it makes me sad that its come to this. A summer wasted by waiting on someone who probably doesn't want to be here anyway. Tambellini's speech about improving the team a couple months ago is a distant memory and seems to have been all talk (minus the goalie part).

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#90 jeanshorts
July 08 2009, 01:31PM
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I cannot wait for everyone to come crashing down in a heap of dissapointment and anger when Dany Heatly leads this team to another first round exit and then demands a trade next season because Pat Quinn scares the crap out of him.

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#91 OvenChicken8
July 08 2009, 01:34PM
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Milli wrote:

@ Wainwright Dan: Man that was funny!!!!!!

Quoted for truth.

"Heatley: Look Kevin, I just want you know that the regular season is nice. But that's not my focus. For a guy like me, the real hockey doesn't start until April and May.

Lowe: Yes, absolutely, it's all about the Stanley Cup.

Heatley: The what? No, I meant the world hockey championships.

Lowe: Oh.

Heatley: Man, I totally kick ass in that tournament."

LOL!

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#92 Hemmertime
July 08 2009, 01:59PM
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@ OvenChicken8: LMAO, Nice

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#93 Bill Rizer
July 08 2009, 02:01PM
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@ jeanshorts: Bingo!

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#94 Oylphan
July 08 2009, 02:10PM
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What to do when there's no Oil news?

Do what Gregor did yesterday... talk RUSH.

A sure fire way to drive traffic up on the website.

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#95 Doug
July 08 2009, 02:20PM
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@ Oylphan:

There's no Rush news either.

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#96 Robin Brownlee
July 08 2009, 02:43PM
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MINOR NEWS Well, there is some news, even if it falls well short of "stop the presses." I'm hearing the Oilers won't be holding their rookie tournament games against Calgary and Vancouver as part of rookie camp this year like they did last season. I don't have any details, but I passed it on to Guy Flaming at The Pipleline Show and I assume he'll be following it up.

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#97 Park-Oil
July 08 2009, 03:03PM
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Dreger just wrote on TSN that Philly screwed up on the Pronger extension. The Flyers believe that If Prongs retires before the end of his contract, there is no cap hit. But because his extension starts next year(when he is 35) the NHL believes it will. Ouch!

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#98 Cam
July 08 2009, 03:04PM
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@ scorecoff hemmercules: It's only the beginning of July, man. Don't pass judgement yet please.

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#99 MattN
July 08 2009, 03:23PM
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Robin Brownlee wrote:

MattN wrote: Conversation between Murray and Heatly DH- This team sucks, the press is up my butt and the fans are creepy stalkers who dig through my garbage. I want a trade! Here is a list of teams I am willing to go to. BM- I notishh Edmonton ishn’t on here. Whatever, I am trading you there anywaysh. DH- but,but,but…. I negotiated a NTC in my contract with you last year. BM- Shtupid boy, I am going to leak the deal to make you look like an ash and put presshure on you to accshept. DH- The Oilers haven’t made the playoffs in 3 years and the fans have ridden Pronger, Comrie and Lupul out of town in the last few years. They are going to hate me if I make too much money and don’t kill people every shift. Just ask Penner. BM- You have no choish now. I jusht shigned Kovalev. DH- I am just going to keep quiet and hope some other GM tries to put a package together soon. Brilliant. I thought about writing the same kind of thing years ago after Bryan and I talked on the phone just after Kevin Lowe queered the Mike Comrie deal with his 11th-hour request for $2.5 million. You can imagine the conversation (I still laugh when I think about it) with BM really pissed . . . Nice work.

I shamelessly plagerized from DownGoesBrown.

I love how all the good inside info comes out years later. You should write a book someday and pull all the skeletons out of the closet.

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#100 Robin Brownlee
July 08 2009, 03:29PM
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@ MattN: Every time BM said "for f#ck shake" during the conversation, and he said it a lot, I had to stop myself from laughing out loud and blowing the interview."

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