Three things we can’t wrap our minds around

Wanye
July 08 2009 09:58AM

complex

What do you do when it’s the middle of the off season and you are supposed to talk Oilers 24/7? What if there is no Oilers news? What if all of a sudden the site has grown again and now 21,000 people have visited the website in the past two days wanting to read Oilers related somethings and only that?  We can't handle this kind of pressure! You people are animals and y-

*starts to cry*

There are several approaches to solving this weighty problem today July 8, 2009:

You can go for volume

eklund

We had never heard about this Eklund until Willis wrote that article about him. Let’s be honest, an old guy throwing out Nashville Predator trade rumors with an undecipherable (E-something) rating system isn’t exactly the kind of thing that makes ol’ Wanye get up in the morning and race to his compumatrix. Now turn him from an old guy into a hot lady, give her a nice rack and put her in a scenario where the pizza delivery guy needs to be paid for the pizza and make a movie about it. Then we will be paying rapt attention each and every day.

We have heard and read a lot of people hating on this nice Indiana Jones looking chap and couldn’t really understand the nature of the vitriol. Having been to his site and looked around we don’t see anything that is really deserving of all this hatorade but we also don’t get his schtick. For the life of us we can’t wrap our minds around why this dude just pumps out fake trade rumors all day long. There are lots of different NHL related things to talk about in the day. Why just focus on this?

We are having a hard time wrapping our brain around reporting on the Oilers 24/7. Can you imagine trying to report on TRADE RUMORS 24/7? Of course he has a 0.000014% accuracy rating. If he reported the trades as they were to occur he would post about 20 articles all year long.

You can watch the poll

wtf1

And you can similtaneously curse the day Mr. and Mrs. Heatley knocked boots over a box of red wine and an 8 track cassette of Air Supply.

You want Dany Heatley to come to Edmonton still? What in the sweet holy hell are we doing here Nation? This used to be 73% No and 27% percent Yes! Now the Yes’ are winning? Are you that desperate? Do any of you have sisters that are that desperate? Cause if you do tell them to hit us up at twitter.com/wanyegretz and we will put them to good work acting out a play about a pizza delivery guy who needs to get paid for his pizza.

Great Gods of Hockey – we just can’t wrap our minds around why anyone in these parts would be cheering for Dany Heatley to do anything except get creamed by a bus. Please people who voted “Yes to Heatley being an Oiler” in the past 48 hours. Explain what has happened to make you think “yeah, you know what – I DO want this unbelievable douchebag to wear the Copper and Blue. I don’t care how much of a train wreck he is or how little regard he is showing for his current club. Things will change once he gets HERE by gum!”

Seriously though, please explain.

You can talk bullshit and wait

Have you ever seen this video which was picked up by sewer snakecam in North Carolina? It’s 100% real and mad disgusting. Some brainy interweb types are saying that it is a clump of annelid worms but we think it looks more like how we imagine Lauren Pronger looked before she assumed human form, exited the sewers and began to seek a human mate. We have watched this a few times and we have not been able to wrap our minds around it either.

Until something happens of note, may this video haunt your dreams.

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Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 Doug
July 08 2009, 10:07AM
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WHAT IS THAT

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#2 Hemmertime
July 08 2009, 10:09AM
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He scores goals, we need a goal scorer. On ice product is the reason we want Heatley. The rest be damned, at least until he actually rejects Edmonton or says something to the media as to why.

Till then, would you reject a 50 goal scorer based on media speculation, or would you trust your two tenured coaches to be able to do their jobs? I'll take the later.

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#3 Hemmertime
July 08 2009, 10:10AM
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Oh, and everything is pretty much Murrays fault in my opinion. He was the one who fked this up big time, devalued his player - and leaked everything to the media.

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#4 Doug
July 08 2009, 10:12AM
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@ Hemmertime:

I would reject him based on the fact that he has acted like a total douchewarrior by demanding a trade and then not accepting the only good trade offered. It's not about rejecting Edmonton at this point for me.

It's the warning flag thrown up by a player who clearly thinks so highly of himself he's not willing to compromise even the slightest to help EITHER team that's interested in him.

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#5 Rice
July 08 2009, 10:12AM
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I vote for Heatley because it has been what 12 years since someone of the copper and blue scored 39 goals. And that is an off season for heater. I will put up with a lot of crap for a bit of that.

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#6 Archaeologuy
July 08 2009, 10:13AM
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I had little to no opinion of Eklund until he told me that Smyth signed here long term and I left my computer happy. I returned to the Computer after giving a presentation i pieced together with Eklund like sources only to see that he had made the whole thing up. Eklund is dead to me now. I got an A on the presentation but the drive home from the University was sad that day.

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#7 jayoilfan
July 08 2009, 10:13AM
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Please, Wanye, we've got to do something. I don't want Heatley here either!

A bunch of other Oiler fans I hang with do want him and his baggage. I for one can do with out it.

Steve T must turn to the team we've got and work with it and add small pieces, like, hello? Malhotra is still available last I checked (10 mins ago!).

NHFM (No Heatley For Me)

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#8 Doug
July 08 2009, 10:13AM
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Wow, so we got a 40 goal man, but what good is that if it doesn't translate to MORE WINS?

Heatley got his 39 goals on Ottawa last year and they still sucked bag.

We need players who want to help us WIN not players who want to score goals and that's it.

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#9 Hemmertime
July 08 2009, 10:16AM
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On the video: To qoute Arrested Development, Those are balls!

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#10 dyckster
July 08 2009, 10:18AM
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Wow, some kinda disgusting. I was waiting for Princess Leia to show up with a shackle around her neck. Save me Luke, save me!

I'm SOOOOOOOOO tired of Heatley, problem is though I'm also SOOOOOOOOOO desperate for an on ice change that I'd probably vote yes. Sorry Wanye. :(

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#11 Jason Gregor
July 08 2009, 10:19AM
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Rice wrote:

vote for Heatley because it has been what 12 years since someone of the copper and blue scored 39 goals. And that is an off season for heater. I will put up with a lot of crap for a bit of that.

Worse than that my man...18 years since Petr "garbage pail helmet" Klima scored 40. You take Heatley in a second and don't worry about it.

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#12 Bean Counter
July 08 2009, 10:19AM
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I know mgmt wants to give Heatley as much time as he needs but Smid is a RFA so what's the drop dead time to sign him to a contract?

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#13 Chris
July 08 2009, 10:19AM
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@ Doug:

Reddox has a great attitude... Make HIM the first line left winger.

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#14 smytty777
July 08 2009, 10:21AM
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If a player is a good person and a good hockey player (Sakic, Iggy, the Great One), that's fantastic. But frankly I don't care if someone is in the running for douche of the year award as long as they can play. Pronger, Phaneuf and Chelios (when he was in his prime), all giant ***holes, all great hockey players. I don't want to be be buddies with these guys I want to see them win hockey games.

Give me Heatley.

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#15 dyckster
July 08 2009, 10:21AM
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Chris wrote:

Reddox has a great attitude… Make HIM the first line left winger.

Chris, buddy, you're kidding....right?

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#16 Soup
July 08 2009, 10:27AM
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WG - Further to your first question regarding talking Oilers 24/7, why not some detail regarding the development camp? I've really been enjoying the articles in the Sun from the camp - good one today regarding Plante. I'd love to hear from anyone who has been watching as to the good, the bad and the ugly.

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#17 The Towel Boy
July 08 2009, 10:28AM
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Wanye...If the deal goes through, why don't you make Heatley your goat boy for next season?

I could do up a nice photoshop for you. :)

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#18 Poo Czar
July 08 2009, 10:29AM
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Whatever an annelid worm is (or whatever the hell that crap is), it is now at or near the top of my Heebie Jeebie list, supplanting cave spiders and those disgusting booger raisins occasionally (and unnecessarily) found in cinnamon buns.

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#19 Ogden Brother
July 08 2009, 10:29AM
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Bean Counter wrote:

I know mgmt wants to give Heatley as much time as he needs but Smid is a RFA so what’s the drop dead time to sign him to a contract?

Good question, not that he's at a high risk to recieve one, but it would certainly add to this mess if Smid were to suddenly recieve an RFA offer sheet.

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#20 scorecoff hemmercules
July 08 2009, 10:30AM
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Wanye, dude, that video has been giving me the creeps for a week now. Too bad FEAR FACTOR isn't on anymore, I would like to see someone take a big bite outta that thing for 50 grand!

Rest easy, Heatly will say no any day now and Brownlee will, for once, be wrong in his predictions.

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#21 scorecoff hemmercules
July 08 2009, 10:34AM
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On another note, When is Grebs going to have his arbitration hearing???

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#22 Mike Krushelnyski
July 08 2009, 10:35AM
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So can all you Heatley naysayers really handle another 9th -11th place finish? Maybe you are just tougher than the rest of us...

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#23 Bill Rizer
July 08 2009, 10:36AM
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I love his 40 goals and think they could vault the Oilers into the hunt for 6th. My only concern is that for 7.5 million I want an icon and a leader. Unfortunately I can't say Dany is either of those.

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#24 scorecoff hemmercules
July 08 2009, 10:38AM
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Apparently Kovalev intends to meet with Heatly and convince him to remain in ottawa.

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#25 Bill Rizer
July 08 2009, 10:39AM
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@ scorecoff hemmercules: Does he know of some good dealers in town or something?

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#26 Doug
July 08 2009, 10:39AM
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@ Bill Rizer:

My thoughts echo yours. In this market if you pay a guy that much and he's the high profile kind of player Heatley is then the guy must be one of your teams leaders and the face of your franchise. Is Heatley this guy? No, he's more of a highly skilled mercenary. He just wants his cheque - doesn't wanna face the media and the fans expectations.

@ Mike Krushelnyski:

I can't handle another 9th - 11th finish, but what I really wouldn't be able to handle is a 9th place finish with Dany "Trade Me" Heatley on the first line.

I just doub

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#27 Shifty203
July 08 2009, 10:40AM
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I still read Eklund. Doesn't really hurt anything. We all know that GM's actually pull just a small fraction of the trades they talk about. I take it for what it is regardless of what he says, its just rumors. Don't believe anything until it actually pops up on TSN and Sportsnet, and even then, their sources can be wrong. It doesn't mean I need to go around bashing him just cause he might make stuff up from time to time. Its just a rumor site that promotes discussions of What If's. Nothing wrong with that at all and it keeps people talking hockey even in the middle of the offseason.

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#28 dyckster
July 08 2009, 10:40AM
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scorecoff hemmercules wrote:

On another note, When is Grebs going to have his arbitration hearing???

According to TSN the arb hearings run between 07/20 and 08/04 with all decisions to be made by 08/06.

Mike Krushelnyski wrote:

So can all you Heatley naysayers really handle another 9th -11th place finish? Maybe you are just tougher than the rest of us…

Amen dude.

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#29 OvenChicken8
July 08 2009, 10:41AM
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The Towel Boy wrote:

. For the life of us we can’t wrap our minds around why this dude just pumps out fake trade rumors all day long. There are lots of different NHL related things to talk about in the day. Why just focus on this?

And if the arbitration for Grebs goes well Wanye should pick him for his hero ;) lol

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#30 NonMint
July 08 2009, 10:42AM
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Shifty203 wrote:

I still read Eklund. Doesn’t really hurt anything. We all know that GM’s actually pull just a small fraction of the trades they talk about. I take it for what it is regardless of what he says, its just rumors. Don’t believe anything until it actually pops up on TSN and Sportsnet, and even then, their sources can be wrong. It doesn’t mean I need to go around bashing him just cause he might make stuff up from time to time. Its just a rumor site that promotes discussions of What If’s. Nothing wrong with that at all and it keeps people talking hockey even in the middle of the offseason.

The reason why I have a problem with Eklund is that he promotes his rumors as facts, has questionable sources and has been known to call deals confirmed long before they are actually consumated.

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#31 scorecoff hemmercules
July 08 2009, 10:44AM
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@ Shifty203:

Don't believe any trade until it shows up on the teams website IMO.

@ Bill Rizer:

Again with this leadership stuff. Does anyone actually know if was a bad leader in Ottawa?? This type of speculation is far too commom for people who don't even know the players.

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#32 Mike Krushelnyski
July 08 2009, 10:45AM
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scorecoff hemmercules wrote:

Apparently Kovalev intends to meet with Heatly and convince him to remain in ottawa.

Where did you hear that? How does that make any sense at all?

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#33 OvenChicken8
July 08 2009, 10:45AM
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On a side note maybe the players are starting to see how crappy Detroit is. First Hossa jets now Hudler. hxxp://www.tsn.ca/nhl/story/?id=284076

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#34 dyckster
July 08 2009, 10:47AM
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OvenChicken8 wrote:

On a side note maybe the players are starting to see how crappy Detroit is

Where did THAT come from?

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#35 scorecoff hemmercules
July 08 2009, 10:48AM
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@ Mike Krushelnyski:

It was on Spectors hockey rumors, linked to an ottawa news outlet. Not that it means anything, just what I read. They don't even know each other as far as I know, I thought it was kinda funny.

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#36 The Towel Boy
July 08 2009, 10:48AM
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@ OvenChicken8:

Wow, did I ever not write what you quoted me as saying up there...

I'm SUING!

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#37 Archaeologuy
July 08 2009, 10:49AM
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@ OvenChicken8: Why would he sign in the KHL for only 2 million? surely he would have got more after arbitration. Now he still remains a RFA if he comes back to the NHL. Who are these guy's agents?

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#38 Mike Krushelnyski
July 08 2009, 10:49AM
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@ scorecoff hemmercules: Yeah...I know Kovalev isn't exactly the pinnacle of work ethic and compete level, but to willingly demote himself to the 2nd line/2nd PP would be more than a little hilarious.

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#39 OvenChicken8
July 08 2009, 10:50AM
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@ The Towel Boy: LOL I totally clicked the wrong button *walks away shamefully and curses for a damn edit button*

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#40 Mitch Holst
July 08 2009, 10:51AM
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What you guys are failing to realize is that Heater did not say "NO" to Edmonton. The media has messed things around so much and told us the juiciest story, because thats their jobs. Heatly didn't say no to Edmonton. He just wants more time to explore his options. i agree with what hes doing. I would love to see him in Edmonton and yes i was dissapointed when he didnt make the decision on July 1. But i beleive that he is not the bad guy everyone thinks he is. The real problem in this situation is the fact that there is even such a thing as a No Trade Clause. that is the stupid thing.

ps. anyone who thinks the additions of the Bulin Wall and Heatley wouldnt take us to the playoffs is a slimy alien snot puss ball on the side of a sewer wall

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#41 scorecoff hemmercules
July 08 2009, 10:52AM
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@ Mike Krushelnyski:

Wasn't Haatly moved to the "2nd" duties and thus wanted to be traded??

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#42 Chaz
July 08 2009, 10:52AM
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Mike Krushelnyski wrote:

So can all you Heatley naysayers really handle another 9th -11th place finish? Maybe you are just tougher than the rest of us…

You mean 11th in the East? Because that's where Ottawa finished with Heatley.

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#43 Archaeologuy
July 08 2009, 10:56AM
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Chaz wrote:

You mean 11th in the East? Because that’s where Ottawa finished with Heatley.

What?! You mean Dany Heatley isnt the Saviour? There goes my Line of T-Shirts that say "Jesus scores 39 in an Off Year" and Bumper Stickers that read "WWDD"

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#44 Mike Krushelnyski
July 08 2009, 10:56AM
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@ Chaz: Can't argue with that logic!

So Chicago finished 4th with Khabibulin last year...sweet! Home-ice in the first round!

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#45 Peter Pan
July 08 2009, 10:57AM
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That's Eklund? He looks like a pecker holding up a camera!

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#46 Chris
July 08 2009, 10:58AM
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@ Mike Krushelnyski:

NICE!

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#47 erixon
July 08 2009, 10:58AM
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I think we should start a Paypal donation to send Gregor to Kelowna to talk to Heatley in person.

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#48 blu
July 08 2009, 11:03AM
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Sorry Wayne. We have a pretty decent defensive unit as it stands now. If Smasher Steve (Staios) can be cajoled into getting in front of pucks like he used to, and Boulin stands up like we've seen him do before ... the missing part of the equation is scoring.

Also, we've had Ethan "Cement-Hands Chopper" Moreau giving us character clinics for years. We apparently have character coming out our asses, and a pile of what would be 3rd and 4rth liners making up all four of our lines, with, umm, grit? Except that our brand of grit can't throw a body check to save it's life.

Grit and character are noble and good. I love them. But like me, they also need scoring to succeed.

Two decades.

Two painful decades of "I'll stand here, you bank the puck in off me" and Tom "can't hit the net from 5 feet" Poti ... to be perfectly honest, it's mostly been boring. And that makes me cry.

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#49 cambosmash
July 08 2009, 11:03AM
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I am going to smash the rest of Heatley's teeth out if he comes here. If he has a beer with me and scores 50 afterwards I will vote yes. Until then I don't want to see his ugly face in beautiful Edmonton.

FYI, we have the most elm trees in North America. Who wouldn't want to be in a city in which the trees form majestic caverns over the streets.

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#50 Chaz
July 08 2009, 11:04AM
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Mike Krushelnyski wrote:

Can’t argue with that logic! So Chicago finished 4th with Khabibulin last year…sweet! Home-ice in the first round!

Now am I'm confused. If we get Heatley does this mean we'll finish 7th (Halfway between 4th and 11th)? But in which conference??

* Realizes he's not really that smart. Goes back to poking his Dany Heatley Voodoo doll in the eye. *

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