You want more Heatley?

Wanye
July 09 2009 12:08PM

heatleyblvd

OK we get it. The only thing that is on the minds of Oilers fans these days are the following three questions:

1) Is there any news on Dany Heatley? 2) Is Dany Heatley coming? What if the Oilers threw in Nilsson? Would that help? 3) How about now? Any Heatley news?

We have been inundated with commentary, twitters and even a couple emails from people wanting to know something- anything about possible Heatley news. No matter how small the news may be. Well, there is none at the present time.

We even went so far as to email Robin Brownlee:

Wanye: "Is there anything on Heatley? Everyone is getting pretty antsy." Brownlee: "Beat it kid."

So there you have it. In the absence of real news here is some video content to keep us all happy until something happens.

CONTENT

It's easy to think that at this stage of the game in the Dany Heatley negotiations, Oilers fans are the only people who are looking to smash anything Heatley related into smithereens. Sorry, we mean the 45% of Oilers fans who still have their heads screwed on straight (see poll) and don't want him to bring his circus act to town.

In any event - Sens fans hate him too, often with hilarious results!

You can't beat an angry Senator fan possessing the with the ability to do voiceover work. The synchronized breathing is a particularly nice touch.

A delicious Heatley BBQ. This may lack the quality audio of the preceding clip, but 80s band lyric-less rock muzak soothes our tattered nerves. There is also something satisfying about watching a mini-jersey melt on the grill.

Here is a borderline interesting interview with The Man himself. It also offers an interesting look at the house in Kelowna where K-Lowe and Tambo were forced to get down on their knees and beg on our behalf. We are sure the house is now surrounded by Oilers and Sens fans lurking in the shrubbery and looking for furniture to torch - but here is how it looked in better days.

Apparently the guy also wrote a book, classily titled "Dominant Dany Heatley." We suppose that "How to make blood enemies and influence people" didn't have the same cachet with the 8-11 year old set. In this ego stroking segment Ian Mendes and some lady fawn and gush over Heatley, awarding him the Peabody Prize, the Pulitzer prize and the Field Prize for Mathematics in the process. Former Oiler Luke Richardson also makes an appearance, fresh from porno rehersals it would seem. Nice moustache and collar combo Luke.

So there you have it you Heatley Jackals. The only fresh content on all of this BS you will find on the interwebs or your money back via certified cheque!*

*Cheques will not be valid

We feel so dirty. And not for the usual reasons.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#51 Curious
July 09 2009, 02:02PM
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@ MrOiler:

It is a friggin dirty, rude,dangerous city. Thats not even lying. Unless you want to watch a bunch of meth addicts dressed up as cats and run around a stage, I dont know why you would want to go there. Id rather put needles in my eyes then watch that. Heck Id even rub up against the stucco wall with my junk and stick neddles in my eyes then live there.

I guess Slats is going to try to move Zheredev - I assume Kotalik would replace him in the lineup.

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#52 King Mob
July 09 2009, 02:08PM
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the tags under this update are high-larious.

Dany Heatley can't fall asleep at night unless he kills a puppy first. (e4)

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#53 Hemmertime
July 09 2009, 02:12PM
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Hey Wanye,

How about we restart the poll now that all the people who voted no out of negative reaction early on have simmered. Wonder what the new % would be.

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#54 BigE57
July 09 2009, 02:13PM
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It isn't like Kotalik was going to lead the Oilers to the promised land anyway. Besides with him off the market it means that Tambellini can go after some of the big names in free agency, Gaborik, Hossa, Havlat........huh?

What do you mean they are already signed elsewhere? Who's left then, Robert Lang?

F#$^$in Heatley!

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#55 freeze
July 09 2009, 02:14PM
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@ Curious: watch Slats move Redden, Zherdev and Korpikoski for Heatley. or some variant thereof.

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#56 Wanye Gretz
July 09 2009, 02:15PM
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@ Hemmertime:

No way Ray! Everyone had one chance to vote in this poll and this chance has passed.

*smiles vaguely knowing he lives in an alternate universe where the poll has some bearing on something*

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#57 Reagan
July 09 2009, 02:19PM
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Yeah, the Oilers have already bombed the in the free agency market, other than a great goaltender signing. It's time to trade away for the season. Keep the young guys and re-build. Forget about Heatley and move on. He obviously does not want to play here after 7 days to think on it. Let his market value plummit in Ottawa, and turn this sinking Oiler ship around, and let the coaching work for thier money!

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#58 Bob Cob
July 09 2009, 02:19PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Not at all. Kotalik repeatedly mentioned that he would be happy to play here. It’s good you run to “this City is screwed” though when it isn’t necessary… *slap*

I was being sarcastic with that comment, did you not understand the sign ( ~ ) before and after my statement. I know Kotalik wanted to stay, and I wanted him on the second line to replace Nilsson.

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#59 ronaldo
July 09 2009, 02:20PM
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God I am sick of Dany Heatley! So Wayne, anything new on the Heatley front since you posted your article?

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#60 Peter Pan
July 09 2009, 02:22PM
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Food For Thought:

Since it became public that the Bruins were willing to part with Kessel on Draft Day for an offensive D-man (and pick?), and it has been further documented that the Oilers want an offensive stud, then why doesn't Tambo make a pitch for young Phil Kessel? Maybe Visnovsky or a package including Gilbert may intice Boston to make the flip. Just a thought, but I would take Kessel over Heately any day.

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#61 Curious
July 09 2009, 02:22PM
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@ freeze:

Dont think Ottawa would want Redden, but who knows anymore. Either this Heatley thing gets sorted out soon or it will drag on until the fall and then somethign will happen. At which time I will hopefully be on the combine harvesting a rescued crop from the recent rain not really giving a darn.

I think if the Sharks could figure out some cap manoeurving they would be interested in Heatley but not right now. Something has to happen with them.

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#62 Wanye Gretz
July 09 2009, 02:23PM
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ronaldo wrote:

So Wayne, anything new on the Heatley front since you posted your article?

DID YOU SAY DANY HEATLEY????

*faints*

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#63 Mike Krushelnyski
July 09 2009, 02:23PM
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ronaldo wrote:

God I am sick of Dany Heatley! So Wayne, anything new on the Heatley front since you posted your article?

I'm so eager for Heatley news I just e3'd in my pants

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#64 dyckster
July 09 2009, 02:25PM
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Peter Pan wrote:

why doesn’t Tambo make a pitch for young Phil Kessel?

IMO Kessel's too small, we have enough midgets (relatively speaking) up front as it is.

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#65 Curious
July 09 2009, 02:25PM
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@ Peter Pan:

But I wouldnt want to keep Smid and dump Visnovsky for Kessel. Gilbert + others might work. I am sure there is a plan B if Heatley doesnt work. There are the Sharks too who need to shake things up and have lots of salary committed

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#66 Ender the Dragon
July 09 2009, 02:26PM
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freeze wrote:

Kotalik to Rangers confirmed. $3mil for 3yrs. no way the Oil would give him that. how do the Rangers have any cap space at all?

Curious wrote:

$3 mil per season for Kotalik…wow that does sound steep.

I think people are misinterpreting this. It's not 3 seasons at $3M each; it's a total of $3M. That's a mere $1M per season. Not bad for a second line guy. I think we got hosed here. If we could have had that deal, we should have taken it.

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#67 dyckster
July 09 2009, 02:27PM
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Mike Krushelnyski wrote:

I’m so eager for Heatley news I just e3′d in my pants

Bravo!

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#68 Curious
July 09 2009, 02:28PM
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@ Ender the Dragon: No thats not right. It reads wrong on TSN - I thought that at first too. It really is $3 million per season - if you look on the tracker thing on the website its says $3 million per season there.

$1 million would be a steal.

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#69 Curious
July 09 2009, 02:30PM
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Well a steal in NHL terms. Not for the rest of us. A mil would be sweet right now let me tell ya...

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#70 BigE57
July 09 2009, 02:31PM
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@ Ender the Dragon: Ender the Dragon wrote:

I think people are misinterpreting this. It’s not 3 seasons at $3M each; it’s a total of $3M. That’s a mere $1M per season. Not bad for a second line guy. I think we got hosed here. If we could have had that deal, we should have taken it.

TSN's free agent tracker says it is 3 mill per year. No way Kotalik was settling for 1 mill a season, in fact I'd be willing to bet the Oilers offered more than that.

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#71 ronaldo
July 09 2009, 02:32PM
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Wait, what??? It was for $1 mil a season? We wouldn't pay that? If that is what kotalik was looking for, what were the oilers offering? What exactly is the plan other than Heatley? Do all my sentences need to be questions?

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#72 Hemmertime
July 09 2009, 02:35PM
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I cant believe its 1 mil per year. Ill wait a couple hours before flippin out lol.

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#73 Curious
July 09 2009, 02:35PM
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@ ronaldo:

Down boy! Lets be calm now. Kotalik got a three year $ 9 million dollar deal. A bit steep for the Oil I am afraid.

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#74 ronaldo
July 09 2009, 02:41PM
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@ Curious Aahhhhhhh, that makes more sense. *puts down bottle and pills*

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#75 Chaz
July 09 2009, 02:45PM
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It's probably for the better anyways. The plural form of Ales was extremely difficult to verbalize and next to impossible to type. The only people who could even muster an attempt were Robin Brownlee and Chuck Norris.

Fare thee well Mr. Kotalik.

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#76 Hemmertime
July 09 2009, 02:47PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

No I think we have established this week that this site is all Oilers all the time

And apparently a few Flames fans allowed to stroke.. their egos... every one in awhile too

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#77 Wanye Gretz
July 09 2009, 02:48PM
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Ender the Dragon wrote:

Curious wrote: $3 mil per season for Kotalik…wow that does sound steep. I think people are misinterpreting this. It’s not 3 seasons at $3M each; it’s a total of $3M. That’s a mere $1M per season. Not bad for a second line guy. I think we got hosed here. If we could have had that deal, we should have taken it.

Are you serious???

*runs to TSN.ca*

Good Lord.

Ender's right.

Kotalik signed for 3 mil over 3 years TOTAL.

http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/story/?id=284213

UGH.

Someone tell me why the Oil couldn't have done this deal.

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#78 David S
July 09 2009, 02:50PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Someone tell me why the Oil couldn’t have done this deal.

@Wanye - David Staples has a pretty good explanation at his blog site.

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#79 Don Murdochs Hair
July 09 2009, 02:51PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Ender the Dragon wrote: Curious wrote: $3 mil per season for Kotalik…wow that does sound steep. I think people are misinterpreting this. It’s not 3 seasons at $3M each; it’s a total of $3M. That’s a mere $1M per season. Not bad for a second line guy. I think we got hosed here. If we could have had that deal, we should have taken it. Are you serious??? *runs to TSN.ca* Good Lord. Ender’s right. Kotalik signed for 3 mil over 3 years TOTAL. http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/story/?id=284213 UGH. Someone tell me why the Oil couldn’t have done this deal.

Wanye. its ok dude here.... 3 years at 9 million. TSN is all whacked out today http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/feature/?id=11850

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#80 Ender the Dragon
July 09 2009, 02:56PM
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To be responsible, I have to point out that Curious is right about the tracker being inconsistent with this. It might be a good idea to wait awhile before having that aneurism I'd been planning.

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#81 Don Murdochs Hair
July 09 2009, 02:59PM
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posted a link to the tracker but its stuck in moderation limbo...

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#82 Ender the Dragon
July 09 2009, 02:59PM
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And as I typed that, TSN fixed the story. Curious is right.

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#83 Curious
July 09 2009, 02:59PM
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@ Wanye Gretz: Go to the Tracker on the right hand side of the tsn page, put down the rum bottle, take a deep breath and realize that it is $9 million for three years or $3 million per season. It is confusing the way it is written but really there is no way Kotalik is gettign only $1 million per. http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/feature/?id=11850

Put away the noose, it will be ok trust me.

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#84 Wanye Gretz
July 09 2009, 02:59PM
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Ender the Dragon wrote:

It might be a good idea to wait awhile before having that aneurism I’d been planning.

*reads this: pulls shotgun gingerly out of mouth, slips noose off of neck, turns off idling engine*

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#85 smiliegirl15
July 09 2009, 02:59PM
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3 years for $9 mil not $1 mil per. Come on you guys - rub the Dany Heatley out of your eyes and get it straight.

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#86 DK0
July 09 2009, 03:00PM
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I thought the rumour was the Oilers were offering around 2-2.5 a year for kotalik. it would make zero sense that we were trying to pay him 775k a year. Somehow i think Kotalik draws a bit more cash then stortini and mackyntire.

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#87 cambosmash
July 09 2009, 03:00PM
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dyckster wrote:

IMO Kessel’s too small, we have enough midgets (relatively speaking) up front as it is.

Was that why my hockey career was cut short? Because I was 6'0, 190 pounds? It wasn't as my coach said, "You're wrister couldn't break a cobweb Cambo".

*Hops in car and drives home to hammersmash his old coach who destroyed his confidence at age 14.

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#88 Wanye Gretz
July 09 2009, 03:00PM
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smiliegirl15 wrote:

3 years for $9 mil not $1 mil per. Come on you guys - rub the Dany Heatley out of your eyes and get it straight.

LOOK! A GIRL!!!!!!

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#89 Jodes
July 09 2009, 03:02PM
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Cause I'm Danny f'n Heatley lol..

I wonder if there's been any book burnings in Danny Heatley's honor in Ottawa yet?

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#90 forsoothed
July 09 2009, 03:06PM
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don't dany heatley on us now wanye. what's the news on dany heatley?!?

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#91 oilersinsider
July 09 2009, 03:09PM
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NHL numbers has it as $3 mill per season as has TSN corrected its article. I was about to slap my dog when I read that it might have been $3 million total.

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#92 Curious
July 09 2009, 03:09PM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

Not just any girl Wanye...a smiley girl! Maybe the 15 means she is 15 too... thats right in your age bracket. Lucky day!

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#93 dyckster
July 09 2009, 03:11PM
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cambosmash wrote:

Because I was 6′0, 190 pounds

TSN Has him (Kessel) listed at the same height as Sam Gagne (5'11"), but Gagne tips the scales at 191, Kessel - 180.....Gagne AIN'T big, by my standards anyway.

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#94 Peter Pan
July 09 2009, 03:12PM
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Kotalik was not the answer boys. We can't keep running in circles. I'm Peter F*ckin' Pan, B**ches!

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#95 NonMint
July 09 2009, 03:25PM
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Curious wrote:

@ Wanye Gretz: Not just any girl Wanye…a smiley girl! Maybe the 15 means she is 15 too… thats right in your age bracket. Lucky day!

See, this is why we can never have anyone nice over.

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#96 Oilerguyforlife
July 09 2009, 03:26PM
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@ Peter Pan: I think kessel is another right winger we need a left for hemmer any I for one am getting real tired of waiting for heatley would love to see him here and I voted yes but let's talk about what we have does anybody else think gagner could be a 80-90 point guy I mean the puck follows the kid around he always seems to be in the right spot just like someone who used to play for us a long time ago he is my favorite player I can see him being our top line guy sometime this year or next for sure anyone who feels the same please comment

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#97 OvenChicken8
July 09 2009, 03:28PM
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dyckster wrote:

Gagne AIN’T big, by my standards anyway.

That's what she said

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#98 Wanye Gretz
July 09 2009, 03:34PM
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NonMint wrote:

Curious wrote: @ Wanye Gretz: Not just any girl Wanye…a smiley girl! Maybe the 15 means she is 15 too… thats right in your age bracket. Lucky day! See, this is why we can never have anyone nice over.

You know I was just thinking that too.

*looks wistfully off into the distance, remembering all the good memories shared with smiliegirl15*

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#99 smiliegirl15
July 09 2009, 03:35PM
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*rolls her eyes and goes back to work* ~

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#100 Cal71
July 09 2009, 03:36PM
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@ OvenChicken8: Yes!! I Love It!

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