You want more Heatley?

Wanye
July 09 2009 12:08PM

heatleyblvd

OK we get it. The only thing that is on the minds of Oilers fans these days are the following three questions:

1) Is there any news on Dany Heatley? 2) Is Dany Heatley coming? What if the Oilers threw in Nilsson? Would that help? 3) How about now? Any Heatley news?

We have been inundated with commentary, twitters and even a couple emails from people wanting to know something- anything about possible Heatley news. No matter how small the news may be. Well, there is none at the present time.

We even went so far as to email Robin Brownlee:

Wanye: "Is there anything on Heatley? Everyone is getting pretty antsy." Brownlee: "Beat it kid."

So there you have it. In the absence of real news here is some video content to keep us all happy until something happens.

CONTENT

It's easy to think that at this stage of the game in the Dany Heatley negotiations, Oilers fans are the only people who are looking to smash anything Heatley related into smithereens. Sorry, we mean the 45% of Oilers fans who still have their heads screwed on straight (see poll) and don't want him to bring his circus act to town.

In any event - Sens fans hate him too, often with hilarious results!

You can't beat an angry Senator fan possessing the with the ability to do voiceover work. The synchronized breathing is a particularly nice touch.

A delicious Heatley BBQ. This may lack the quality audio of the preceding clip, but 80s band lyric-less rock muzak soothes our tattered nerves. There is also something satisfying about watching a mini-jersey melt on the grill.

Here is a borderline interesting interview with The Man himself. It also offers an interesting look at the house in Kelowna where K-Lowe and Tambo were forced to get down on their knees and beg on our behalf. We are sure the house is now surrounded by Oilers and Sens fans lurking in the shrubbery and looking for furniture to torch - but here is how it looked in better days.

Apparently the guy also wrote a book, classily titled "Dominant Dany Heatley." We suppose that "How to make blood enemies and influence people" didn't have the same cachet with the 8-11 year old set. In this ego stroking segment Ian Mendes and some lady fawn and gush over Heatley, awarding him the Peabody Prize, the Pulitzer prize and the Field Prize for Mathematics in the process. Former Oiler Luke Richardson also makes an appearance, fresh from porno rehersals it would seem. Nice moustache and collar combo Luke.

So there you have it you Heatley Jackals. The only fresh content on all of this BS you will find on the interwebs or your money back via certified cheque!*

*Cheques will not be valid

We feel so dirty. And not for the usual reasons.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 Wanye Gretz
July 09 2009, 12:10PM
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*yawn*

Really Wanye? This is what you wrote?

Signed, Your Integrity

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#2 Garett
July 09 2009, 12:24PM
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Sorry for being a hope holder and wishing and dreaming about a 50 goal super sniper coming to Edmonton. Apparently there is to much hang up on the "no voters" about supposed nay say on Heatley's not wanting to come here. All speculation in my mind, I still feel like we deserve an elite talent to raise us from the dead regardless of what people say about his character. Don't tease those of us who still hold the hope, last I checked we were still the majority!

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#3 Hanson#4
July 09 2009, 12:24PM
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So really ANY Heatley news ?

:)

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#4 Wanye Gretz
July 09 2009, 12:27PM
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@ Hanson#4:

You son of a gun. Don't you see the lengths I have gone to in an attempt to

LOL

Ahem

No. Not that anyone seems to be discussing.

@ Garett:

Thank you for saying sorry. I feel better now that you have apologized.

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#5 West Coast Oil
July 09 2009, 12:28PM
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Dany who... Did I miss something over the last week or so?

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#6 Rusty Shackleford
July 09 2009, 12:29PM
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"I'm Dany F*cking Heatley, I'm awesome!"

I know which name to get on the back of my newest Oiler Jersey.

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#7 Curious
July 09 2009, 12:31PM
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The voice over was very well done. I friggin jealous though, him sitting around in Kelowna screwing with people's emotion not giving a crap while I am stuck here working through lunch and thinking the stucco wall might be a good place to rub my junk on later.

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#8 Greg MC
July 09 2009, 12:37PM
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~Bring back Eric Cole. That should lift the Oil to great heights!~

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#9 West Coast Oil
July 09 2009, 12:39PM
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What I really want is an update on Huggy Bear and Big Mac! Those guys were every where for a while and now nothing! Give me the news Wanye what are those guys doing!! Then again I would be happy with any update from the development camp, why isn't Brownlee camped out there? Did MPS and Lander make the camp?

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#10 Librarian Mike
July 09 2009, 12:39PM
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re: Luke Rock-hard-son...wow. Just wow.

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#11 lolvista
July 09 2009, 12:41PM
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I didn't read any of the above because that news is not current enough. Is there any new Heatley news???

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#12 dyckster
July 09 2009, 12:42PM
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Curious wrote:

the stucco wall might be a good place to rub my junk on later.

Ouch, once you're done why don't you head out to Kelowna (deleted after read by Wanye, who laughed then barfed a bit in his mouth.)

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#13 Doug
July 09 2009, 12:43PM
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@ Wanye Gretz: So... if you want, I could write an article on the NBA that you could post on your site.

I'm sure that would go over real well.

P.S. Don't come back until you have Heatley updates. Preferably like where they are burying him.

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#14 My Left Eye Is F*cked
July 09 2009, 12:47PM
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*As long as you focus on me and not my left eye* lmao that is hilarious.

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#15 Librarian Mike
July 09 2009, 12:50PM
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The 2 things about the Heatley video that make me laugh out loud are 1) the hoser accent and 2) "Yeah, whatever".

Does this guy have a video of Pronger?

*runs off to Youtube to check*

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#16 Wanye Gretz
July 09 2009, 12:51PM
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Doug wrote:

So… if you want, I could write an article on the NBA that you could post on your site.

No I think we have established this week that this site is all Oilers all the time. And that's fine by me quite frankly as it is the only team I care about (save the BoSox)

I know there is some development camp related content coming soon. That should appease people who want real content - not my flubjubbery.

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#17 Victoria
July 09 2009, 12:52PM
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Intergrity inshmegrity. Who needs it when the topic is Heatley, he sure doesn't.

"...as long as you don't focus on my left eye" Har har!

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#18 freeze
July 09 2009, 12:52PM
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News!

@FriedmanHNIC apparently, Rangers sign Ales Kotalik

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#19 The Towel Boy
July 09 2009, 12:53PM
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That first vid was awesome.

...is he here yet?

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#20 GoOil
July 09 2009, 12:54PM
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Testify Wanye! If the Oil haven't quietly told Heatley to go jump in that backyard lake of his, they should. Acquiring this selfish clown would be a mistake that would handcuff this franchise up until Mr. Awesome demands he be traded from here. So, like, January.

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#21 Robin Brownlee
July 09 2009, 12:55PM
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West Coast Oil wrote:

What I really want is an update on Huggy Bear and Big Mac! Those guys were every where for a while and now nothing! Give me the news Wanye what are those guys doing!! Then again I would be happy with any update from the development camp, why isn’t Brownlee camped out there? Did MPS and Lander make the camp?

Camped out there? Talk to guys who haven't even made the team yet? What, longing for a profile on Troy Hesketh? Pfft. I went out there Wednesday, but didn't let any of the kids talk to me. Just wanted to stare them down. I'm Robin F*cking Brownlee.

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#22 Doug
July 09 2009, 12:56PM
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I bet the Edmonton Oilers could beat the BoSox in a baseball game.

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#23 Penner's 2nd Chin
July 09 2009, 12:59PM
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Shoot. I can no longer say, "You can Kot-a-lik my balls." whenever the Oilers score...

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#24 jayoilfan
July 09 2009, 12:59PM
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That first video is pure entertaintment! Hilarious! made me chuckle some what, I just snickered a bit.

FTS, NHFM

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#25 Wanye Gretz
July 09 2009, 01:00PM
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Robin Brownlee wrote:

Just wanted to stare them down. I’m Robin F*cking Brownlee.

BAHAHAHAHAHA

Ah this site continues to entertain me to no end.

I can picture Brownlee sitting in the corner of the arena smoking eleven cigars simultaneously whilst wearing a dark trench coat and a fedora rakishly pulled forward with a "press" card tucked into the brim.

"Who's that guy over there surrounded by all the smoke?" One prospect nervously asks another as they stretch on ice.

"Oh man, that's Robin Brownlee. I heard he single handedly ended Jani Rita's career. Don't even look in his direction...

Meanwhile behind his sunglasses Brownlee has nodded off, confident he won't miss a single moment of an actual budding NHL player's development during his repose.

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#26 The Towel Boy
July 09 2009, 01:04PM
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I wonder if he's waiting to pull the trigger until after Spezza's wedding?

But, honestly...if he pulled the trigger now, it wouldn't make showing up at Spezza's wedding any more uncomfortable being face to face with some of his teammates...but he is Dany F*cking Heatley...so who knows.

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#27 Junk
July 09 2009, 01:07PM
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The only news I gathered from this is that Dany Heatley can read. I'm as surprised as the rest of you.

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#28 The Towel Boy
July 09 2009, 01:09PM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

Your ability to weave a story is astounding. You should write a children's book featuring Robin Brownlee.

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#29 The Towel Boy
July 09 2009, 01:13PM
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P.S. Joe Sakic is making me cry right now.

Live on TSN.

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#30 Robin Brownlee
July 09 2009, 01:16PM
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@ West Coast Oil:

A couple notes for your benefit:

-- Riley Nash is way bigger (20 pounds or so) and stronger than last season. Looks pretty good. Reminds me of Jason Chimera.

-- Tough guy Cam Abney is a coat rack. He's like six-foot-four and 185 pounds. Funny thing about a guy who drops the gloves so much is he's kind of GQ Cover guy. Good-looking dude. Not a mark on him. That's change when Parros or Boogaard gives him the cake-mixer or Tootoo combs his buckies with composite.

-- William Quist has lost the metro-hair-do you can see him sporting on previous hockey cards and looks like a man now. Still, no chance.

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#31 Mike Krushelnyski
July 09 2009, 01:17PM
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Stupid lack of news. I am getting so much work done today. This sucks.

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#32 Curious
July 09 2009, 01:18PM
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@ dyckster:

Once you've done it a few times it kinda callous's over so its not as painful as it sounds.

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#33 Wainwright Dan
July 09 2009, 01:18PM
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Robin Brownlee wrote: . I went out there Wednesday, but didn’t let any of the kids talk to me. Just wanted to stare them down. I’m Robin F*cking Brownlee.

Classic.

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#34 Mike Krushelnyski
July 09 2009, 01:21PM
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Robin Brownlee wrote:

– Tough guy Cam Abney is a coat rack. He’s like six-foot-four and 185 pounds. Funny thing about a guy who drops the gloves so much is he’s kind of GQ Cover guy. Good-looking dude.

Maybe he's more of a "stick and move" fighter. You don't see enough guys in the NHL stay on the outside and work the jab.

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#35 BUCK75
July 09 2009, 01:27PM
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Robin Brownlee wrote:

Reminds me of Jason Chimera

As long as he turns into at least the player Chimera is. Cornell is such a hockey powerhouse.

I guess he just wants that education so he can become a GM in the NHL like Joe Nieuwendyk did.

Nice 'fluff' article though. I wonder which of his agents convinced him to write a book? He doesn't make enough money so he has to write a book?

I'm Dany #%^$ing Heatley.

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#36 scorecoff hemmercules
July 09 2009, 01:33PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Robin Brownlee wrote: Just wanted to stare them down. I’m Robin F*cking Brownlee. BAHAHAHAHAHA Ah this site continues to entertain me to no end. I can picture Brownlee sitting in the corner of the arena smoking eleven cigars simultaneously whilst wearing a dark trench coat and a fedora rakishly pulled forward with a “press” card tucked into the brim. “Who’s that guy over there surrounded by all the smoke?” One prospect nervously asks another as they stretch on ice. “Oh man, that’s Robin Brownlee. I heard he single handedly ended Jani Rita’s career. Don’t even look in his direction… Meanwhile behind his sunglasses Brownlee has nodded off, confident he won’t miss a single moment of an actual budding NHL player’s development during his repose.

Man, I love this place.

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#37 NBOilerFan
July 09 2009, 01:34PM
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Yup... its posted on NHL.com.

Kotalik is a Ranger.... terms of teh deal were not released.

http://www.nhl.com/ice/news.htm?id=436650

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#38 Fisher
July 09 2009, 01:35PM
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The Hitler Reacts to Heatley is by far the best video out there. Good for a laugh and to see that other teams have fans just as manic depressive as "we" are. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnE_cBLPYJI

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#39 scorecoff hemmercules
July 09 2009, 01:36PM
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And damn you Wanye!!!! Last night I promised myself I wouldn't spend another second on this Heatly stuff until he decided. Yet here I am, my will power is weak.

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#40 freeze
July 09 2009, 01:37PM
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Kotalik to Rangers confirmed. $3mil for 3yrs. cccp://www.tsn.ca/nhl/story/?id=284213

no way the Oil would give him that. how do the Rangers have any cap space at all?

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#41 Curious
July 09 2009, 01:40PM
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Since the NBA was mentioned, and since Kobi got his ring without Shaq, I wonder if he would mind if we used his rap....

Hey Heatley, (there there. - WG)

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#42 Curious
July 09 2009, 01:46PM
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$3 mil per season for Kotalik...wow that does sound steep.

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#43 Bob Cob
July 09 2009, 01:46PM
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freeze wrote:

Kotalik to Rangers confirmed. $3mil for 3yrs.

~I guess that is another player who didn't want to play in Edmonton~

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#44 Wanye Gretz
July 09 2009, 01:48PM
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Bob Cob wrote:

~I guess that is another player who didn’t want to play in Edmonton~

Not at all. Kotalik repeatedly mentioned that he would be happy to play here. It's good you run to "this City is screwed" though when it isn't necessary...

*slap*

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#45 BUCK75
July 09 2009, 01:50PM
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Bob Cob wrote:

I guess that is another player who didn’t want to play in Edmonton

Nope - I would put him the GlenX category. It's not the players fault management is chasing other players to play here. Probably more $ that we would have paid him anyhow.

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#46 MrOiler
July 09 2009, 01:53PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

*yawn* Really Wanye? This is what you wrote? Signed, Your Integrity

We must have a "mind-meld" happening here Wanye, because this was the exact thought I had when I read your article ... yawn first, embarrassment second.

I too feel dirty ... I need a shower.

p.s. - Okay, I admit it, I did enjoy the BBQ Heatley jersey video. But that's all you get.

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#47 Downright Fierce
July 09 2009, 01:53PM
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Tildes, people. Tildes.

It means sarcasm.

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#48 MrOiler
July 09 2009, 01:56PM
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Curious wrote:

$3 mil per season for Kotalik…wow that does sound steep.

Over-pay!

New scandal for you media types: THE NYR's MUST OVER-PAY TO ATTRACT UFA'S. No player wants to live in such a dirty, rude and dangerous city.

Go with it!

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#49 NonMint
July 09 2009, 01:58PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

BAHAHAHAHAHA Ah this site continues to entertain me to no end. I can picture Brownlee sitting in the corner of the arena smoking eleven cigars simultaneously whilst wearing a dark trench coat and a fedora rakishly pulled forward with a “press” card tucked into the brim. “Who’s that guy over there surrounded by all the smoke?” One prospect nervously asks another as they stretch on ice. “Oh man, that’s Robin Brownlee. I heard he single handedly ended Jani Rita’s career. Don’t even look in his direction… Meanwhile behind his sunglasses Brownlee has nodded off, confident he won’t miss a single moment of an actual budding NHL player’s development during his repose.

You sir, are a king among men.

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#50 ronaldo
July 09 2009, 01:59PM
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At 3 mil a season, Tambo surely told Kotalik to Kotalik his balls.

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