A tearful goodbye

Wanye
August 04 2009 02:02PM

duke-kid-crying

The Oilers took the time to hold a press conference on Friday to announce that they were officially giving up on Dany Heatley. The “GM” of the Oilers Steve Tambellini gave us all a good laugh proposing this team has what it takes to make the playoffs and gently suggested we all say goodbye to our dreams of Heatley lighting the lamp in Copper and Blue. This was easily the hardest goodbye of our long weekend, until Sunday when our car was broken into and our BlackBerry was stolen.

Yes, this was a lovely long weekend in the City of Champions. Nice weather, 2 days of debauchery followed by 2 days of doing sweet eff all of value to society. But in many ways it was also a somber time as we were forced to say good bye to these two important parts of our life.

Saying goodbye to Dany Heatley

adiosheater1

If anything this final, final, FINAL press conference should provide some real closure to the OilersNation faithful.

Brownlee has said it: “The best thing for the Oilers is that this deal stays undone. Heatley isn’t the answer.”

Willis has said it: “There’s still tomorrow.”

Gregor has said it: “Enough is enough.”

hemmertime said it: “I feel dirty and used, I need a shower.”

Dany Heatley has said it: <insert silence borne of mental illness here>

And now finally Tambo himself has said it:  "We wanted to give it an allotted amount of time, but we can't wait any longer."

And so for one final time: Screw off Dany Heatley. We can’t decide if we hate you more or less than Chris Pronger, but we have decided that we are now cheering for your career to end in horrific injury.

Saying goodbye to our BlackBerry

babycry

Ah sweet BlackBerry. We hardly knew ye – having been together with your cutting edge goodness less than 3 months. Our old model stares at us from the shelf on which it sits, smug in the knowledge its outdated ass will soon be back in the game. Why someone took the time to pinch you out of our car we will never know. Laden with ringtones, twitterberry and enough pictures to lauch a rival to flickr – they must have been sadly dismayed to find you password protected. Let it be known BlackBerry thief - you have 3 kicks at the cat. If you can’t crack our password by the third attempt, the berry shall wipe itself clean and you Sir/Madam are screwed.

The worst part about having our blackberry stolen? Never mind that it also took all our contacts, messenger PINs and email addresses. Never mind that we haven’t had to remember a phone number in almost 8 years. Never mind the girls of dubious standards we can never contact again now that we have lost their numbers. It damn near makes us cry to think that when we are buckled at 3 AM this weekend we shan’t have a single girl to harass the world in the hopes they let down their defensive shields and beam aboard the NCC-WG4.

No, the worst part of it all is losing the kick ass game of World Series of Poker we had going. Like a really, really good game. You start against 5000 competitors and you get $1500. We had been playing for a couple of weeks and were down to only 300 competitors. Think we can rebuild this any time soon? Hell no.

But Wanye – why are you wasting our time telling us all of this?

celly

Because you cold hearted sons of bitches – the Nation is the only medium of communication we have left at our disposal. We don’t carry around phone numbers or email addresses. We don’t have a home phone or a fax machine. What year is this? 1994?

No, we are going to have to live our entire life over OilersNation until we can put the pieces back together. The following (in no particular order) are the messages we need to get out this afternoon. Hopefully our pals take a look and are able to respond in a timely fashion:

A.H: Are we still on for that meeting later this afternoon? We can’t recall what time it was (it’s on the calendar on the berry) but odds are we won’t be able to attend anyway due to another meeting that arose this morning so you may have to go without us.

M.A: We have to pick up those ACDC tickets and we apologize for not meeting up with you yesterday. You have to forgive us for not calling, we lacked both your number and the means to contact you.

N.P: We are sorry that we didn’t send you our daily email at 3 AM to info@natalieportman.com. We know you must become accustomed to some of our 1,304,302 messages we have sent you in the past 7 years – and we don’t want to alarm you in the least about our safety. We are just fine and soon enough we will be back in the game and able to send volley after volley of drunken love sonnets in your direction.

And finally a quick message to the easily tricked Ladies of Edmonton and surrounding area.

That’s right Ladies. The little black book hath been wiped clean and the field is now wide open. Those seeking a spot on our 3 AM text message rotation can email photographs and descriptions to wanyegretz@gmail.com

We may have to respond to you on the comments section of this article, but we will review all applications in a timely manner and potential candidates will be contacted directly.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#51 Archaeologuy
August 04 2009, 11:12PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

As any real Natalie Portman fan knows, “Portman” isn’t her actual last name. It is a pseudonym she has chosen to keep real Natalie Portman fans at a safe distance.

Is this Scout team based in Mexico, Oilers style?

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#52 ScubaSteve
August 04 2009, 11:12PM
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Harlie wrote:

viss.99 wrote: Where is ScubaSteve and his delusional ideas about the Oilers? he’s plunging the depths with DeepOil

Sorry, I'm trying to get this Blackberry that I bought from some dude to work. What are we talking about?

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#53 Archaeologuy
August 04 2009, 11:14PM
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@ Archaeologuy:

highlighted wrong part. oops. apparently my blunders know no end today.

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#54 Wanye Gretz
August 04 2009, 11:19PM
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@ ScubaSteve:

Is there 1000s of pictures of cats dressed like people saved on it? Cause if there is, I don't know where those came from.

@ Archaeologuy:

See, you have dissed the Portman and now you are falling to pieces. Really I'm not surprised

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#55 ScubaSteve
August 04 2009, 11:30PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

@ ScubaSteve: Is there 1000s of pictures of cats dressed like people saved on it? Cause if there is, I don’t know where those came from.

I can't access anything, every second this thing is ringing (btw, is that ringtone "Constant Craving by KD Lang?)and then strange women are yelling at me. I can only make out 3 things - "massive", "c*ck" and "get yourself checked"

Any of those things ring a bell?

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#56 Wanye Gretz
August 04 2009, 11:32PM
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@ ScubaSteve:

Constant Craving definitely rings a bell. I also make ends meet by taking remote Pizza 73 orders during the hours of 12-3 AM. So get ready for some business starting in 28 minutes.

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#57 Archaeologuy
August 04 2009, 11:33PM
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@ Wanye Gretz: Obviously I have perverted the natural order of things. I retract my previous comments regarding the woman who helped ruin Star Wars. Despite her lack of hair, I liked V for Vendetta, so not she's not all bad.

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#58 Wanye Gretz
August 04 2009, 11:35PM
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@ Archaeologuy:

Imagine a 12 year old Wanye watching her in the professional - realizing for the first time that someone in the movies can be the same age as he is - AND falling in love.

It still gives me a romantic thrill to watch the train wreck that is Episode I.

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#59 Bruno
August 04 2009, 11:37PM
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Sorry about your "Crackberry" W.G. That Sucks. Dont stay away too long. You dont want another one.. You NEED another one!! Beaut pic of the granny.

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#60 ScubaSteve
August 05 2009, 12:09AM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

The people will have to call someone else to get their choice of 4 - 9" two-topper pizzas, wing meals, 12 pc. wedgies or giant chocolate chip cookie in one big box, all for just $26.99. That's a delicious meal for under $30, and you can add a refreshing 2L Coke Zero for only $1.99.

Oh, and "Vance" wants his gerbil back, he said you'd know what that means.

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#61 James
August 05 2009, 12:44AM
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THEreds too many cfukcing lossers in hsti cyty . I hda crackheada broeak in my acr anf tokk a all my dhit . SHolud moe v SEAN HORCOFF no leftwoing in 4th lien . Hesuseless ` im, tired fo see ing his shttoiy shot .

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#62 James
August 05 2009, 12:46AM
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im sorrie baout bad textnig mi ona broken lbcakbeery hahh no t yourse WANYE !

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#63 DizzyD
August 05 2009, 06:42AM
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Hate to be an a$$, but really. DON'T LEAVE YOUR PHONE IN YOUR CAR!!!

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#64 ronaldo
August 05 2009, 07:34AM
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Tencer and Balsillie are both excellent suspects, that makes me suspicious, they're a little too obvious. If there is one thing I've learned by waisting my free time in front of the tv, is that there is always a plot twist and the guilty party is the one you least suspect. Wayne, I think you better start looking really closely to those around you as this may only be step one in a sinister plot against you. (I would keep a close eye on Brownlee and Gregor- those guys are way too respected/ connected to be hanging around the likes of these message boards.)

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#65 Robin Brownlee
August 05 2009, 07:53AM
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ronaldo wrote:

(I would keep a close eye on Brownlee and Gregor-

That's ridiculous. And Wanye, that file folder "Tea-bagging with Dirty Girtie" is selling like hotcakes. F*cking twisto.

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#66 BUCK75
August 05 2009, 08:19AM
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Tough break man. I usually go through like 2 crackberrys a year. Either they get wet, smashed or the f'n trackball stops working due to dust from earning a living outside.

Although, to back it up all you have to do is plug it into the comp & run the desktop software. The biggest reason for getting the crackberry for myself was the pain of programming the 200 phone numbers into the old flip then having to replace it again.

The ability to wipe the device clean remotely would be an awesome feature though. You need blackberry enterprise server to be able to do that. Sounds like some of the hackers on here could build an app & sell it for big bucks to give ordinary joe the ability to do it w/o BES.

A couple of $ services can let you send 'kill' codes to your crackberry though. I haven't tried either of them.

mobilesky.com is free, but updates are not by the looks of things.

spritesoftware.com is another. Sprite Terminator costs $15.

PS: Who the F*CK is Dany Heatley. I have sent a kill code to my brain to erase the fact we ever made a 'trade' for him....

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#67 smiliegirl15
August 05 2009, 08:35AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

People have hung for less.

Since posters on here seem to like to know... People are hanged; pictures are hung.

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#68 Fish
August 05 2009, 08:50AM
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I thought my blackberry pearl was stolen once so I went and bought a new "Bold" for about $400. I then found the sh!tty pearl in my golf bag. It had slipped into an empty golf ball sleeve. I say good riddance.

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#69 Wanye Gretz
August 05 2009, 08:54AM
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smiliegirl15 wrote:

Wanye Gretz wrote: People have hung for less. Since posters on here seem to like to know… People are hanged; pictures are hung.

That isn't about Natalie Portman.

DizzyD wrote:

Hate to be an a$$, but really. DON’T LEAVE YOUR PHONE IN YOUR CAR!!!

DIZZYD! Don't you think I know that?! Where were you in the wee hours of Monday morning to remind me then?

WHERE??

@ Robin Brownlee:

I know that you aren't a suspect. You would take one look at the keyboard of a BlackBerry, decide there are too many keys for your liking, remove half of them with pliers until it was a more manageable number and then tell someone off cause your phone doesn't work.

During this time 8 cigars would have met their untimely end.

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#70 Chaz
August 05 2009, 09:08AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

During this time 8 cigars would have met their untimely end.

Well, we might not be close to solving the Wayne Blackberry Fiasco of 2009, but at least we now know who stole Curtis Stock's cigar. Your secret is safe with us Robin. Not enough golf talk for Curtis at this site.

hxxp://communities.canada.com/edmontonjournal/blogs/youbet/archive/2009/07/28/who-is-that-guy.aspx

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#71 Motel
August 05 2009, 09:18AM
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smiliegirl15 wrote:

Wanye Gretz wrote: People have hung for less. Since posters on here seem to like to know… People are hanged; pictures are hung.

People can be hung. It's just not a verb.

ex. "Wanye is hung like a wombat."

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#72 Wanye Gretz
August 05 2009, 09:45AM
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@ Motel:

I get it now.

"This guy Motel is hung like a lightswitch. Or a third grader. Or a hamster. Whatever is smaller."

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#73 Motel
August 05 2009, 10:04AM
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@ Wanye Gretz: Exactly.

Now once more, this time with the jealousy toned down a bit.

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#74 What&#8217;s next? The Valley Zoo? - OilersNation.com
August 05 2009, 10:14AM
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[...] loss suffered by your hero Kay-Z. Plus we can figure out why they fire off so many fireworks.” Not having a BlackBerry to keep us entertained, we agreed to [...]

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#75 Nation's Proud Member
August 05 2009, 11:15AM
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Comments are moderated. Pretend your mom is reading over your shoulder.

That’s twisted… why would I want to pretend that my mom is reading over my shoulder as I sympathize with Wayne’s REAL tragedy – the inability to stay in remote touch with loose girls! But judging from the comments, both the Nation and the Nation’s moms can probably barely read.

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#76 Wanye Gretz
August 05 2009, 11:18AM
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@ Motel:

Well played.

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#77 Bob Loblaw
August 05 2009, 03:45PM
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Oh the Huge Manatee!!

And NOBODY talks smack about Natalie!

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#78 Darren
August 05 2009, 05:17PM
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Natalie's was here, Wayne. She said she only had until 5:13pm to see you though before her flight left. She actually was very confused as to why you didn't respond to all her messages she had you sent today. You told her to get a hold of you on your Blackberry if she ever decided to go to Edmonton on a whim, right??

Anyway, I didn't read the story above...just wanted to send this message to you. (I'm sure it was a great story and all, though)

By the way, Natalie is really mad at you...something about never believeing a word you say again no matter how many messages you send her...blah, blah, blah...but I wouldn't worry about it. I'm sure everything between you guys will be back to normal again soon.

:)

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#79 Darren
August 05 2009, 05:34PM
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I should have said all her messages she had sent YOU...

She's boarding the plane now, if only I knew what you might say I could pass it along before she left and all...but, oh well.

And don't worry, Wayne, I'm gonna read your story after she leaves.

Hmmm, 'A Tearful Good-bye', some coincidence because she just won't stop crying as she's leaving! It looks like a good story, too, about Pat Quinn and nothing else, well, nothing else that would help me out in my perdicament with Natalie and how upset you've made her, Wayne. I still can't believe you did that!

Don't worry, she's still looking around in case you show up, though, just in case.

....and she's gone. 'kay, now I'm gonna read your story.

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#80 DizzyD
August 05 2009, 10:44PM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

Hmmmmm...where was I monday morning...not sure if that was the day I was out stealing cell phones from cars...

p.s. did you try one of them very convincing stickers you can get from the cop shop? goes something along the lines of "all valuables have been removed from this vehicle".... lol :)

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#81 David S
August 05 2009, 11:46PM
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Looks like Wanye was letting the liquor do the talking Monday morning. The result was a Blackberry sh!tnami.

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#82 David S
August 06 2009, 12:06AM
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I think I figured out how the phone disappeared...

hxxp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eIFeTn5nJg

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