A tearful goodbye

Wanye
August 04 2009 02:02PM

duke-kid-crying

The Oilers took the time to hold a press conference on Friday to announce that they were officially giving up on Dany Heatley. The “GM” of the Oilers Steve Tambellini gave us all a good laugh proposing this team has what it takes to make the playoffs and gently suggested we all say goodbye to our dreams of Heatley lighting the lamp in Copper and Blue. This was easily the hardest goodbye of our long weekend, until Sunday when our car was broken into and our BlackBerry was stolen.

Yes, this was a lovely long weekend in the City of Champions. Nice weather, 2 days of debauchery followed by 2 days of doing sweet eff all of value to society. But in many ways it was also a somber time as we were forced to say good bye to these two important parts of our life.

Saying goodbye to Dany Heatley

adiosheater1

If anything this final, final, FINAL press conference should provide some real closure to the OilersNation faithful.

Brownlee has said it: “The best thing for the Oilers is that this deal stays undone. Heatley isn’t the answer.”

Willis has said it: “There’s still tomorrow.”

Gregor has said it: “Enough is enough.”

hemmertime said it: “I feel dirty and used, I need a shower.”

Dany Heatley has said it: <insert silence borne of mental illness here>

And now finally Tambo himself has said it:  "We wanted to give it an allotted amount of time, but we can't wait any longer."

And so for one final time: Screw off Dany Heatley. We can’t decide if we hate you more or less than Chris Pronger, but we have decided that we are now cheering for your career to end in horrific injury.

Saying goodbye to our BlackBerry

babycry

Ah sweet BlackBerry. We hardly knew ye – having been together with your cutting edge goodness less than 3 months. Our old model stares at us from the shelf on which it sits, smug in the knowledge its outdated ass will soon be back in the game. Why someone took the time to pinch you out of our car we will never know. Laden with ringtones, twitterberry and enough pictures to lauch a rival to flickr – they must have been sadly dismayed to find you password protected. Let it be known BlackBerry thief - you have 3 kicks at the cat. If you can’t crack our password by the third attempt, the berry shall wipe itself clean and you Sir/Madam are screwed.

The worst part about having our blackberry stolen? Never mind that it also took all our contacts, messenger PINs and email addresses. Never mind that we haven’t had to remember a phone number in almost 8 years. Never mind the girls of dubious standards we can never contact again now that we have lost their numbers. It damn near makes us cry to think that when we are buckled at 3 AM this weekend we shan’t have a single girl to harass the world in the hopes they let down their defensive shields and beam aboard the NCC-WG4.

No, the worst part of it all is losing the kick ass game of World Series of Poker we had going. Like a really, really good game. You start against 5000 competitors and you get $1500. We had been playing for a couple of weeks and were down to only 300 competitors. Think we can rebuild this any time soon? Hell no.

But Wanye – why are you wasting our time telling us all of this?

celly

Because you cold hearted sons of bitches – the Nation is the only medium of communication we have left at our disposal. We don’t carry around phone numbers or email addresses. We don’t have a home phone or a fax machine. What year is this? 1994?

No, we are going to have to live our entire life over OilersNation until we can put the pieces back together. The following (in no particular order) are the messages we need to get out this afternoon. Hopefully our pals take a look and are able to respond in a timely fashion:

A.H: Are we still on for that meeting later this afternoon? We can’t recall what time it was (it’s on the calendar on the berry) but odds are we won’t be able to attend anyway due to another meeting that arose this morning so you may have to go without us.

M.A: We have to pick up those ACDC tickets and we apologize for not meeting up with you yesterday. You have to forgive us for not calling, we lacked both your number and the means to contact you.

N.P: We are sorry that we didn’t send you our daily email at 3 AM to info@natalieportman.com. We know you must become accustomed to some of our 1,304,302 messages we have sent you in the past 7 years – and we don’t want to alarm you in the least about our safety. We are just fine and soon enough we will be back in the game and able to send volley after volley of drunken love sonnets in your direction.

And finally a quick message to the easily tricked Ladies of Edmonton and surrounding area.

That’s right Ladies. The little black book hath been wiped clean and the field is now wide open. Those seeking a spot on our 3 AM text message rotation can email photographs and descriptions to wanyegretz@gmail.com

We may have to respond to you on the comments section of this article, but we will review all applications in a timely manner and potential candidates will be contacted directly.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 The Towel Boy
August 04 2009, 02:20PM
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*runs off to back up his blackberry and password protect it*

Jeeze...you didn't back it up? That's rough man.

My blackberry just poured some out for yours.

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#2 sittingatmydesk
August 04 2009, 02:35PM
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no wonder you didnt show up for the drinking marathon....

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#3 sittingatmydesk
August 04 2009, 02:35PM
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#2 and # 3,

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#4 Wanye Gretz
August 04 2009, 02:42PM
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@ The Towel Boy:

"back-it-up?"

What am I - an electrical engineer? Of course not!

@ sittingatmydesk:

There was a drinking marathon and I didn't get wind of it?

*curses the thief for the 1,403rd time today*

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#5 Joey Moss
August 04 2009, 02:47PM
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NYR walked away from Zherdev - maybe the oil throw some money his way now that Heatley is officially (lol) off the books?

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#6 socaldave
August 04 2009, 02:49PM
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gutted for you mate - I'd be looking for the samurai sword if I was separated from my phone. Oh, the humanity!!

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#7 Chaz
August 04 2009, 02:51PM
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That timeline has your Black Berry disappearing right around the time Bettman banished Balsilli from ever owning an NHL team. The perp was obviously a henchman from Balsilli's company sent to wrek havoc upon anyone associated with the NHL. After realizing that every other person remotely associated with the league was sunbathing at some kick-ass private lake, they went after you Wayne. Oh, the humanity!!

* Adds Balsilli onto his "People to Get Even With" list.

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#8 Wanye Gretz
August 04 2009, 02:51PM
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@ Joey Moss:

I'll quote the legendary Robin Brownlee, who spoke to this in Willis' article today:

"There is NO chance Edmonton pursues him. None. Zero. Nada. Crybaby. Cancer. Whiner. Should be a sports writer."

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#9 Chaz
August 04 2009, 02:53PM
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socaldave wrote:

Oh, the humanity!!

For the record, I did not plagarize your quote. It wasn't up while I entered mine.

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#10 Wanye Gretz
August 04 2009, 02:53PM
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@ Chaz:

Is that what happpened? Yes... yes... it TOTALLY makes sense now. I saw someone walking downtown with a seperate BlackBerry and he made eye contact with me. He must be in contact with Jim.

You'll never take me alive Balsillie!!!

*Crashes through window falling two feet to the ground. Starts wildly running through the light afternoon traffic on Jasper Ave*

Maybe I should pitch the berry and run an iPhone. Any thoughts on the matter?

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#11 99thoilerfan
August 04 2009, 02:59PM
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Bad Break ! But.. Now just a minute....

It was stolen, right? Really?..Because, I sense something.. Something, I have not felt in a a very long time..

"And finally a quick message to the easily tricked Ladies of Edmonton and surrounding area."

It's an Evil Plot! He is refreshing his black book! He will become more powerful, then you can imagine..

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#12 ronaldo
August 04 2009, 03:02PM
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Good god Wayne, that was one heart wrenching tale of woe. I can't think of what I'd do if I somehow lost my little black buddy. (Point of clarification: not Gary Coleman, my blackberry.) The times that we've had together, both good and bad.....I can't go on, it hurts to much to think about it. What I am saying Wayne is I feel your pain. You will get through this dark period and rise up stronger then befo....drinking marathon? Nice.

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#13 scorecoff hemmercules
August 04 2009, 03:03PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Maybe I should pitch the berry and run an iPhone. Any thoughts on the matter?

Nah, go for one of those huge 80's cell phones that are a big as a brick, no one would ever try to steal that thing.

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#14 Wanye Gretz
August 04 2009, 03:06PM
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99thoilerfan wrote:

He is refreshing his black book!

I have been discussing the hilarious girls I had in there that can never be contacted again. This literally puts a major dent in my booty call roster.

@ scorecoff hemmercules:

Which one comes with the free golf ball sized brain tumor again? All of them? Oh yeah, that's right.

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#15 Jack Newcastle
August 04 2009, 03:12PM
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I'm about to marry my iPhone.

It's simple, easy, and pretty darn fast. Plus it can report its own location back to you if you are a MobileMe subscriber... and you can wipe it remotely as well.

Oh yeah, and it backs up all your stuff automatically.

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#16 socaldave
August 04 2009, 03:14PM
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this has gotten me thinking about what I couldn't live without... hmmmmmmmmmmm...

in no particular order...

iPhone Edmonton Oilers (and by extension, the ON) family (ugh - touchy feely crap, but should be included) Jameson's a good curry

I can't wait for JSBM to chime in on this one...

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#17 Wanye Gretz
August 04 2009, 03:27PM
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@ socaldave:

Things I can't do without:

The Oilers The Nation Bud Light Gamma-hydroxybutyrate AK-47s Hanna Montana

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#18 Robin Brownlee
August 04 2009, 03:36PM
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Wanye: Is the hag with the coffee mug near the top or the bottom of the scale of your booty call babes? I'm guessing right about the middle, sick f*ck.

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#19 The Towel Boy
August 04 2009, 03:38PM
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Things I can't live without:

food air water/beer Oilersnation.com

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#20 dawgbone
August 04 2009, 03:39PM
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Jack Newcastle wrote:

I’m about to marry my iPhone. It’s simple, easy, and pretty darn fast. Plus it can report its own location back to you if you are a MobileMe subscriber… and you can wipe it remotely as well. Oh yeah, and it backs up all your stuff automatically.

Yeah, but in the time it takes you to realize that your iphone is "stolen" and not simply "temporarily misplaced", any one worth their salt can get whatever they want off of it in about 15 minutes... including every password or credit card number you've entered in the past year.

Plus there's nothing like bricking your iphone because you lost it, only to find it between the cushions 3 hours later.

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#21 socaldave
August 04 2009, 03:42PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Bud Light Gamma-hydroxybutyrate

LOLOLOL - it's the new peanut butter and chocolate!!!

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#22 Death Metal Nightmare
August 04 2009, 03:43PM
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Brownlee wins this post

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#23 Wanye Gretz
August 04 2009, 03:46PM
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socaldave wrote:

Wanye Gretz wrote: Bud Light Gamma-hydroxybutyrate LOLOLOL - it’s the new peanut butter and chocolate!!!

Together at last.

@ Robin Brownlee:

Doesn't matter what she USED to be now that I can't ring her on the telephone does it?

*sadly remembers Gnarled Gertie and all the good times we had*

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#24 socaldave
August 04 2009, 03:47PM
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Death Metal Nightmare wrote:

Brownlee wins this post

hands down - I effin' LOVE IT when RB starts dropping F-Bombs!! you can just see the scowl on his face, and him chewing on that cigar as the curses start flying... scares the bejeebus out of me!

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#25 freeze
August 04 2009, 03:49PM
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Even Joey Moss knows to backup his list of easy ladies!

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#26 Hemmertime
August 04 2009, 04:04PM
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Hey, the older they are the more tricks they know... speaking of dirty and used.

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#27 Hemmertime
August 04 2009, 04:11PM
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@ Wanye Gretz: To get you through these rough times on 34 ave near 99th Street I believe there is massage with release. I think we should make a list for Wanye and the good of Oilers nation of such mystical spots.

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#28 ronaldo
August 04 2009, 04:16PM
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Hemmertime wrote:

@ Wanye Gretz: To get you through these rough times on 34 ave near 99th Street I believe there is massage with release. I think we should make a list for Wanye and the good of Oilers nation of such mystical spots.

We pulled to together to send Gregor to Montreal, surely we can pony up to send Wayne here. Plus, more money for the Stollery. Think of the great PR.

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#29 Downright Fierce
August 04 2009, 04:23PM
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@ ronaldo: Win.

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#30 Hemmertime
August 04 2009, 04:24PM
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@ ronaldo: I'm down for that, but Gregor didnt get first class, so Wanye only gets 97 st places.

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#31 Wanye Gretz
August 04 2009, 04:27PM
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@ Hemmertime: @ ronaldo:

Oh no. I'm not going back THERE again. "15% off if you get there before 9 AM on a Tuesday" isn't a limited time offer in my opinion. If I find an old issue of See Magazine with the coupon in it AND I take the time to rip it out AND bring it in during before 9 AM on a Tuesday I should get my discount!

Nope. I am going to rebuild the phone the old fashioned way:

Hit the clubs for six straight weeks.

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#32 Cam
August 04 2009, 04:28PM
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Hemmertime wrote:

Hey, the older they are the more tricks they know… speaking of dirty and used.

I need a shower after that one.

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#33 Ender the Dragon
August 04 2009, 05:30PM
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OK, off-topic I know, but I hoped we could make a moment for something hockey-related.

Charlie Huddy got a job . . . with the Dallas Stars.

Damn it. I hate Dallas. My top-ten hate list includes:

1. The Flamers 2. NKotB 3. The Stars 4. Any movie with Billy Crystal 5. Anything outside painted pink or purple 6. Cottage cheese (unless it's in a lasagna) 7. Dogs shorter than my knee (too hard to target) 8. The Avalanche 9. Automatic software 'upgrades' 10. Tight dancing with Gnarled Gertie

Dallas has kicked the crap out of the Oilers playoff hopes way to many times for me to forgive. How am I supposed to cheer for Huddy now? Stupid jerk . . .

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#34 Archaeologuy
August 04 2009, 06:13PM
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Natalie Portman? ewwww.

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#35 Hemmertime
August 04 2009, 06:19PM
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@ Archaeologuy: Wanye just wants to be able to say "Call me Anakin!"

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#36 gdawg
August 04 2009, 06:53PM
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The list of public enemy #1 gets longer every year in this city. Personally its getting a bit old. Instead of feeling sorry for themselves and playing the victim, the Oilers should solve this damn problem once and for all. Figure out why most free agents dont want to come here and what has to be done to rectify this situation. Talking about Dany Heatley for a whole month wishing he would come here is above this city and this franchise.

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#37 Kingsblade
August 04 2009, 07:24PM
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Archaeologuy wrote:

Natalie Portman? mmmmm..

Fixed

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#38 jt in Oilertown
August 04 2009, 07:54PM
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Go iPhone, Wanye...I've had mine for a couple of weeks, and it's perfect for those of us that are mentally challenged.

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#39 Librarian Mike
August 04 2009, 07:59PM
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I have an iPod Touch, and if I ever lost it, I'd probably end up wandering the streets within 24 hours. Sorry to hear that some d-bag stole your Blackberry, Wanye.

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#40 charlieangels
August 04 2009, 08:30PM
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Forget blackberry, go back to the old flip cell phone that was 5lbs. Best reception ever

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#41 Curious
August 04 2009, 08:34PM
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Who wouldnt want to be Wanye? The glory, the babes, the awesomeness. Sometimes I close my eyes and dream I was Wanye....but enough of my fantasy

What bothers me is that someone perhaps has been able to identify Wanye and is trying to steal some of the awesomeness for himself. The only person that comes to mind is Dan Tencer. He was the closest any mortal has come to identifying Wanye when the 630 Ched compund was infiltrated by ON. Perhaps Dan reviewed the video from surveliance camera and has been using the Ched traffic chopper to track Wanye....

This is scary stuff. Back to the underground Wanye.

We are watching you Tencer....

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#42 viss.99
August 04 2009, 08:53PM
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Where is ScubaSteve and his delusional ideas about the Oilers?

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#43 Harlie
August 04 2009, 09:02PM
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I'm one of those guys that doesn't have a clue how to enter a phone number into my Blackberry. I'm actually kinda pissed at the phone. It's like I send an email and get one back and my computer adds the contact but my futtin phone can't do that!? Piece of shizz.

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#44 Harlie
August 04 2009, 09:03PM
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viss.99 wrote:

Where is ScubaSteve and his delusional ideas about the Oilers?

he's plunging the depths with DeepOil

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#45 oilersinsider
August 04 2009, 09:46PM
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Wayne. My grandma is pissed you didn't call her. Now she's reallly pissed you posted her picture on the internet cause grandpa didn't know she was on your speed dial. He thought it was a one time only thing...

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#46 Librarian Mike
August 04 2009, 09:56PM
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oilersinsider wrote:

Wayne. My grandma is pissed you didn’t call her. Now she’s reallly pissed you posted her picture on the internet cause grandpa didn’t know she was on your speed dial. He thought it was a one time only thing…

...and she wants her teeth back, too!

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#47 Wanye Gretz
August 04 2009, 10:35PM
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@ Curious:

Is this what happened? I suppose I can't rule it out.

Our preliminary OilersNation Investigation TM has led to the following suspects of those who stole my Berry:

Jim Balsillie Dan Tencer

Both are reasonable suspects in my opinion.

@ oilersinsider:

That's your Grandma? So many questions are answered at once...

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#48 Wanye Gretz
August 04 2009, 10:37PM
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Archaeologuy wrote:

Natalie Portman? ewwww.

Oh and on the basis of this absurd comment I also consider you a suspect in the BerryTheft of 2009 Archaeloguy. I have a scout team keeping tabs on you too.

Natalie Portman ewwww indeed. People have hung for less.

@ Kingsblade:

Respect.

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#49 Archaeologuy
August 04 2009, 10:54PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Oh and on the basis of this absurd comment I also consider you a suspect in the BerryTheft of 2009 Archaeloguy. I have a scout team keeping tabs on you too.

Would the password be "Portman" by any chance?

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#50 Wanye Gretz
August 04 2009, 11:02PM
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@ Archaeologuy:

As any real Natalie Portman fan knows, "Portman" isn't her actual last name. It is a pseudonym she has chosen to keep real Natalie Portman fans at a safe distance.

So no - the password is NOT Portman.

And as if scout teams have passwords.

Pfft

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