What's next? The Valley Zoo?

Wanye
August 05 2009 10:14AM

capsgame1

We vividly recall the fiasco when Jason Gregor decided to try and expand our minds and talk about a different local team: the Edmonton Rush. We also remember the hilarious backlash he suffered and how we ourselves chimed in saying we know little about local sports and can't think of a reason to start caring.

We love backlash

And so here is our article about a local sporting squadron. For you see last night, against our better judgment, we went to an Edmonton Capitals game. For those of you in the Nation who aren’t fortunate enough to hail from Edmonton or surrounding area, the Edmonton Capitals are the minor, minor, minor league independent baseball team with no affiliate to any major league squadron and is independent in it’s non-affiliation status. Translation: this ain’t the Major Leagues kids.

They play here at Telus Field, which is the northernmost ball park in professional baseball:

telusfield

Now ordinarily we would rather spend a quiet afternoon with Amy Winehouse than attend a local sporting event not involving the Oilers. Call us jaded, ignorant or emotionally cold, that is just how we roll.

That is, until last night when the OilersNinja rolled into Wanye Manor™  and announced that today was the day that we were going to attend a Capitals game. We recently decided to live fraternity house style with the OilersNinja, MSG and a player to be named later. And the new house – a bit of a fixer upper (read: crack shack) – is basically in the infield of Telus Field. And the OilersNinja rightfully pointed out that “while not technically hockey, supporting the Capitals will eventually reduce the tax loss suffered by your hero Kay-Z. Plus we can figure out why they fire off so many fireworks.” Not having a BlackBerry to keep us entertained, we agreed to go.

Fireworks

fireworks

We kid you not – it seems that at the end of every game, inning and at bat these Capitals are firing off fireworks in jubilant celebration. If it isn’t the fireworks, it’s a movie, projected in the infield, that goes till 3 AM. If it’s not fireworks or a movie it’s a concert of some variety.

But rather than letting all the noise draw us inside the building, we have suspiciously eyed Telus Field in passing for close to three months now and spoken in hushed tones, lest the ever present parking staff intercept our conversation.

“What do you think happens in there?” “Think it’s baseball? I bet it’s baseball” “Who cares about baseball?” “I care about baseball.” “You are sort of a loser though to be fair.” We should mention that have a special hatred for Telus Field. The last time we attended a game we were in Grade One on a class trip. We ate a hot dog and suffered some of the worst food poisoning known to 6 year old man. Think we were in a big hurry to take our life in our hands again? Hells n-o.

Anyways – the Game

Ok the Capitals lost 7-2 or something. We have to admit that we were wrong and we actually had a reasonably fun time. This could be because they have the cheapest beers for sale at any sporting event in town. 4 dollar beers? Get outta here! We can have all sorts of fun with 4 dollar beers being served. Plus players were hitting foul balls every other pitch and we were secretly hoping one would mildly injure one of the ladies in attendance and we could rush in to perform CPR.

We don't know enough to pass judgment on the quality of baseball the Capitals play, but it seemed big league enough to us. The pitch-o-meter on the scoreboard kept showing pitches over 90 mph. Our days playing MLB on Playstation tells us that this is decent enough heat.

They have this dude Walter Young

walteryoung

He is an absolute giant. We went to the Capitals website to take a look at how big this Walter Young is and we were slapped in the face by an absence of statistics:

youngstats1

In any event, we promised the OilersNinja that if we had a good time we would write about it on this here non pornographic website. And yes, there might be some people who rightfully say “this isn’t about Dany Heatley, nor a Dany Heatley trade.” Others too will say “where am I Wanye – capitalsnation.com??”

But there isn’t a Capitals Nation and 24 hours ago we would have said “good.” But we went down to the game and had 28 dollars worth of beer, sat outside and discussed dismembering Dany Heatley. And good times were had by all. To be truthful, we still don’t care all that much about local sports and probably never will. But from now on when we are half asleep on a work night and we hear fireworks being shot off into the air we will briefly smile before cursing and go back to sleep.

And odds are, we will attend another game this season. Until of course the Oilers hold a development camp at Millenium Place or something equally awesome.

Then we are back to business.

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Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#101 Librarian Mike
August 05 2009, 04:46PM
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Harlie wrote:

yeah man, do it. I haven’t met any of you freaks for real yet. haha!

That's the thing; maybe you have. I swear, Jeanshorts had better not be my wife...

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#102 Wanye Gretz
August 05 2009, 04:56PM
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@ Librarian Mike: @ Harlie:

The last two times no one identified themselves. We all just sat around and watched the Oilers game and pounded beer. Around 60 people showed up both times though which was mad decent.

We don't have a stage or anything - this isn't a ComiCon gathering!

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#103 P-rizzle
August 05 2009, 05:02PM
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That picture with the balloons is (probably obviously?) from a Japanese baseball game. During the 7th inning stretch everybody blows up as many of those balloons as they can, and releases them at the same time. They have special slow release holes so they fly into the air. It's really cool.

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#104 Travis Dakin
August 05 2009, 05:14PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

The last two times no one identified themselves

Everybody would know who I was. I'd be yelling in everyone's faces "I'm Travis Dakin B*tch!"

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#105 ronaldo
August 05 2009, 05:15PM
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It's not a ComiCon gathering?!? I've been sowing this wonderwoman, err, wolverine custom for nothing. Damn, I could have been on the net keeping up with the latest Hudgens nudes this whole time.

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#106 Travis Dakin
August 05 2009, 05:16PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

We all just sat around and watched the Oilers game and pounded beer.

I could just picture everyone sitting around the bar like they are in the doctors office. To steal a Seinfeld bit... "hmmm I wonder who that guy is?"

I'm Travis Dakin B*tch!

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#107 Harlie
August 05 2009, 05:20PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

pounded beer

you got me at..

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#108 ronaldo
August 05 2009, 05:20PM
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Now it would be funny if now we all showed up shouting "I'm Travis Dakin B*tch!"

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#109 Travis Dakin
August 05 2009, 05:41PM
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ronaldo wrote:

Now it would be funny if now we all showed up shouting “I’m Travis Dakin B*tch!”

There can only be one Travis Dakin. It would be like a scene from cheers. I'd walk in and everybody would stop what they are doing and yell "DAKIN!" Many laughs would be had, beers would be crushed, thousands of baby chickens sacrificed for their tasty little arms and legs and the Oilers would win.

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#110 jeanshorts
August 05 2009, 05:52PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

The last two times no one identified themselves.

Eff that. If I showed up I'd have plenty of identication/signs/t-shirts/posters/groupies around me so every knew exactly who the hell I was. And then I'd punch Travis Dakin square in the face just so no one messed with me.

@ Librarian Mike: What should I make for dinner tonight?

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#111 ronaldo
August 05 2009, 05:52PM
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@ Travis Dakin OR it would be like The Highlander where we all battle, chopping of each others' heads, until there is only one. Either way, good times.

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#112 Travis Dakin
August 05 2009, 05:53PM
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jeanshorts wrote:

And then I’d punch Travis Dakin square in the face just so no one messed with me.

It would be an honour and a badge of pride.

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#113 jeanshorts
August 05 2009, 05:54PM
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@ ronaldo:

Wait, I thought Wanye said this ISN'T Comic-con?

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#114 Travis Dakin
August 05 2009, 05:55PM
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ronaldo wrote:

OR it would be like The Highlander where we all battle, chopping of each others’ heads, until there is only one. Either way, good times.

I'd prefer a beer chugging battle until there is only one.

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#115 jeanshorts
August 05 2009, 05:57PM
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@ Travis Dakin:

I just figure that any room filled with even a small number of people that frequent this site would revert to jail house rules. Take out the biggest guy before anyone messes with you. And since I'm scared to death of Rusty and his 9 foot tall, 500 pound self, you are the only logical option.

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#116 Travis Dakin
August 05 2009, 06:07PM
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@ jeanshorts: haha you're probably bigger than me. I'm just going to find Rusty, buy him three kegs of beer and hope he protects me. Whatever else i have to pay for his services are negotiable.

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#117 ronaldo
August 05 2009, 06:11PM
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@ jeanshorts So if Walter Young shows up......

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#118 jeanshorts
August 05 2009, 06:14PM
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@ ronaldo:

I'll just crap my pants and hopes he doesn't look in my general direction.

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#119 David S
August 05 2009, 06:56PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

We are currently figuring out the upcoming season with the fine folks at Hudsons - who have hooked it up BIG TIME for the other two parties.

Highly recommend Hudsons downtown. Hottest women by far, and you don't have to deal with mall rats.

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#120 The Towel Boy
August 05 2009, 07:38PM
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I think it'd be neat to attend one of these Oilersnation.com sanctioned events of debauchery and shenaniganism.

It would be neat to put a face to all the characters on here.

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#121 Archaeologuy
August 05 2009, 08:20PM
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ronaldo wrote:

it would be like The Highlander where we all battle, chopping of each others’ heads, until there is only one

I am immortal, I have inside me blood of kings. I have no Rival, no man can be my equal.

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#122 Librarian Mike
August 05 2009, 09:45PM
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ronaldo wrote:

@ jeanshorts So if Walter Young shows up……

No problem, just aim for the band-aid 'X' on his belly and he'll drop.

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#123 Nik
August 05 2009, 10:30PM
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I went to a Capitals game a couple months ago, awesome time.

We got kicked out cause a friend tried to smoke in the stands. The stands were empty and no one was around, and we tried to apologize but still got understandably kicked out.

A friend of mine was loaded and was doing a lot of heckling. After getting kicked out he climbed onto the bus shelter outside the stadium wall where he was able to stand and overlook the right field wall very easily. He started yelling some pretty offensive stuff at the opposing team's right fielder while he was warming up in between innings and the last comment he made was something lame about how the fielder threw like a girl.

The right fielder got pissed and gunned a ball at him pretty damn hard. It really came pretty close to hitting him and my friend had to duck. The ball luckily went over the street (river valley road?). My friend is an idiot and I don't support him heckling but the fact that he had a ball ripped at him like it came out of a cannon by a professional ball player is a memorable story.

I've never seen anything like it.

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#124 ronaldo
August 05 2009, 10:53PM
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@ Nik Well, it's definitely better then any Manitoba stories. That province is laaaammmeee.

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#125 Dustin F*ckin T
August 06 2009, 12:32AM
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Ok so ive posted a few times here since recently finding this god given site of oilerism. I must say you guys are the shiite. How you turn a night out at a caps game into manitoba whores and all night beer fests at hudsons will always keep me coming back! Loyal to the Oil Boys. Keep it comin.

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#126 Dustin F*ckin T
August 06 2009, 12:34AM
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haha thats the first time ive gotten a "This comment is awaiting moderation" sign before :P it may be because I said you guys are the sh*t which is of course a compliment.

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#127 Nik
August 06 2009, 12:53AM
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Also, a Capitals game isn't worth going to unless you order the $32 Wanye Concession Bundle

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#128 Wanye Gretz
August 06 2009, 08:24AM
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@ Dustin F*ckin T:

Thanks for the compliments dude - consider the waiting in moderation to be a gift of welcome. The site puts comments in moderation if they contain a link or contain one of "Bingofuels 30 no-no words."

@ Nik:

As memory serves the $32 Wanye Bundle contains the following:

2L Rubbing Alcahol A pack of smokes A balloon for the kids

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#129 thenosebleedsection
August 06 2009, 12:15PM
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How you guys turn a G rated event into complete debauchery impresses me. Good job :D

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#130 Dustin F*ckin T
August 06 2009, 11:16PM
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You know It actually doesnt surprise me that they were able to do that nosebleed because i mean honestly think about who were talking about here.

I'd like to also add im stuck way the hell out here in nova scotia so keep the oilers news coming and for god sakes someone send me an oil care package im so alone.....so cold....*sniff*.....Gilbert is that you...

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