What's next? The Valley Zoo?

Wanye
August 05 2009 10:14AM

capsgame1

We vividly recall the fiasco when Jason Gregor decided to try and expand our minds and talk about a different local team: the Edmonton Rush. We also remember the hilarious backlash he suffered and how we ourselves chimed in saying we know little about local sports and can't think of a reason to start caring.

We love backlash

And so here is our article about a local sporting squadron. For you see last night, against our better judgment, we went to an Edmonton Capitals game. For those of you in the Nation who aren’t fortunate enough to hail from Edmonton or surrounding area, the Edmonton Capitals are the minor, minor, minor league independent baseball team with no affiliate to any major league squadron and is independent in it’s non-affiliation status. Translation: this ain’t the Major Leagues kids.

They play here at Telus Field, which is the northernmost ball park in professional baseball:

telusfield

Now ordinarily we would rather spend a quiet afternoon with Amy Winehouse than attend a local sporting event not involving the Oilers. Call us jaded, ignorant or emotionally cold, that is just how we roll.

That is, until last night when the OilersNinja rolled into Wanye Manor™  and announced that today was the day that we were going to attend a Capitals game. We recently decided to live fraternity house style with the OilersNinja, MSG and a player to be named later. And the new house – a bit of a fixer upper (read: crack shack) – is basically in the infield of Telus Field. And the OilersNinja rightfully pointed out that “while not technically hockey, supporting the Capitals will eventually reduce the tax loss suffered by your hero Kay-Z. Plus we can figure out why they fire off so many fireworks.” Not having a BlackBerry to keep us entertained, we agreed to go.

Fireworks

fireworks

We kid you not – it seems that at the end of every game, inning and at bat these Capitals are firing off fireworks in jubilant celebration. If it isn’t the fireworks, it’s a movie, projected in the infield, that goes till 3 AM. If it’s not fireworks or a movie it’s a concert of some variety.

But rather than letting all the noise draw us inside the building, we have suspiciously eyed Telus Field in passing for close to three months now and spoken in hushed tones, lest the ever present parking staff intercept our conversation.

“What do you think happens in there?” “Think it’s baseball? I bet it’s baseball” “Who cares about baseball?” “I care about baseball.” “You are sort of a loser though to be fair.” We should mention that have a special hatred for Telus Field. The last time we attended a game we were in Grade One on a class trip. We ate a hot dog and suffered some of the worst food poisoning known to 6 year old man. Think we were in a big hurry to take our life in our hands again? Hells n-o.

Anyways – the Game

Ok the Capitals lost 7-2 or something. We have to admit that we were wrong and we actually had a reasonably fun time. This could be because they have the cheapest beers for sale at any sporting event in town. 4 dollar beers? Get outta here! We can have all sorts of fun with 4 dollar beers being served. Plus players were hitting foul balls every other pitch and we were secretly hoping one would mildly injure one of the ladies in attendance and we could rush in to perform CPR.

We don't know enough to pass judgment on the quality of baseball the Capitals play, but it seemed big league enough to us. The pitch-o-meter on the scoreboard kept showing pitches over 90 mph. Our days playing MLB on Playstation tells us that this is decent enough heat.

They have this dude Walter Young

walteryoung

He is an absolute giant. We went to the Capitals website to take a look at how big this Walter Young is and we were slapped in the face by an absence of statistics:

youngstats1

In any event, we promised the OilersNinja that if we had a good time we would write about it on this here non pornographic website. And yes, there might be some people who rightfully say “this isn’t about Dany Heatley, nor a Dany Heatley trade.” Others too will say “where am I Wanye – capitalsnation.com??”

But there isn’t a Capitals Nation and 24 hours ago we would have said “good.” But we went down to the game and had 28 dollars worth of beer, sat outside and discussed dismembering Dany Heatley. And good times were had by all. To be truthful, we still don’t care all that much about local sports and probably never will. But from now on when we are half asleep on a work night and we hear fireworks being shot off into the air we will briefly smile before cursing and go back to sleep.

And odds are, we will attend another game this season. Until of course the Oilers hold a development camp at Millenium Place or something equally awesome.

Then we are back to business.

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Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#51 dyckster
August 05 2009, 12:05PM
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The Towel Boy wrote:

I once did some time in Dauphin, MB. Nice town. It had a “mountain” to the south.

If you're referring to "Riding Mountain", it's actually not a mountain but a National Park, great place actually. Kinda a mini Jasper, no skiing but a great golf course. I agree Dauphin is a nice town.

When you say "did some time", do you mean scared to pick up the soap did some time?

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#52 Wanye Gretz
August 05 2009, 12:05PM
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@ The Towel Boy: @ dyckster:

I have a sister who lives in Winnipeg. She is a Tax Lawyer. Revenue Canada is in Winnipeg too, making it Xanadu for Tax Lawyers.

Everytime I see her at Christmas, she asks me when I am going to "really do something." Then my dick hippie brother laughs at me.

That's my Manitoba story.

THE END.

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#53 Wanye Gretz
August 05 2009, 12:07PM
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Cam wrote:

ummm… go OILERS… and crackercats I guess. woot. glad to read anything really keep it up.

You have spoken for us all today Cam.

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#54 ronaldo
August 05 2009, 12:08PM
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I was flying back from Toronto once, the plane landed in Winnipeg, then took off again.

That's my Manitoba story.

THE END.

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#55 Harlie
August 05 2009, 12:13PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

@ Harlie: You do realize I gripped that photo from a Japanese Baseball site right?

Seriously!? And here I thought the Caps were packing the stands with fans, re-oriented the sign board location and had a TROJAN day. Damn I'm a dummy!!

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#56 RBK
August 05 2009, 12:13PM
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One time, I was looking at a map of Canada and someone asked me - what's that square looking Province called? I replied Saskatchewan.

That's my Manitoba Story.

THE END

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#57 Librarian Mike
August 05 2009, 12:14PM
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Amongst hipster/academia types, 'Winnipeg' was where everyone went after finishing their 7 year undergrad Arts degree from about 1998 - 2003. Before that it was 'Halifax', and in recent years it's 'Saskatoon'.

Personally, I like Edmonton. Whatever.

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#58 Wanye Gretz
August 05 2009, 12:14PM
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Harlie wrote:

Seriously!? And here I thought the Caps were packing the stands with fans, re-oriented the sign board location and had a TROJAN day. Damn I’m a dummy!!

Oh Harlie, will you EVER learn?

*laughs heartily, slapping desk with every chortle*

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#59 Hemmertime
August 05 2009, 12:15PM
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@ Wanye Gretz: I remember when the Trappers won the (PCL?) and I picked up the paper next morning. Oilers rumor page 1, Oiler news pages 2 and 3, Eskimo news page 4. Page 5 - oh hey we are baseball champs.

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#60 dyckster
August 05 2009, 12:19PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Everytime I see her at Christmas, she asks me when I am going to “really do something.” Then my dick hippie brother laughs at me.

BAH!, if only they realized the cult following you've established here in E-Town. Your blogs are journalistic history in the making. People will be using Wanye Gretz and Walter Cronkite in the same sentence....book it!

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#61 Librarian Mike
August 05 2009, 12:19PM
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Hemmertime wrote:

@ Wanye Gretz: I remember when the Trappers won the (PCL?) and I picked up the paper next morning. Oilers rumor page 1, Oiler news pages 2 and 3, Eskimo news page 4. Page 5 - oh hey we are baseball champs.

Considering the bad karma our baseball teams have had, they probably won the title the day after Jason Arnott's 'Just wasn't into it' quote, or something.

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#62 ronaldo
August 05 2009, 12:21PM
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dyckster wrote:

People will be using Wanye Gretz and Walter Cronkite in the same sentence….book it!

LOOK...same sentence...its come true.

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#63 David S
August 05 2009, 12:25PM
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Haha. I swear the city's level of economic production drops 10% every time Gretz writes one of his MS Paint-enhanced articles. There's gotta be a whack of guys viewing and posting with file boxes hiding their screens right about now.

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#64 Librarian Mike
August 05 2009, 12:27PM
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David S wrote:

Haha. I swear the city’s level of economic production drops 10% every time Gretz writes one of his MS Paint-enhanced articles. There’s gotta be a whack of guys viewing and posting with file boxes hiding their screens right about now.

I'll put my 'Alt-Tab' hand against anyone, anytime.

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#65 dyckster
August 05 2009, 12:28PM
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ronaldo wrote:

LOOK…same sentence…its come true.

Fine, I should have said "sentences"....Sheesh.

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#66 PaperDesigner
August 05 2009, 12:29PM
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I hate August.

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#67 dyckster
August 05 2009, 12:30PM
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Librarian Mike wrote:

I’ll put my ‘Alt-Tab’ hand against anyone, anytime.

Game on! You may be have speed, but the key is to be quick and stealthy at the same time.

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#68 ronaldo
August 05 2009, 12:30PM
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@ dyckster: Sorry man, just being a dyck :)

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#69 OvenChicken8
August 05 2009, 12:36PM
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Harlie wrote:

Seriously!? And here I thought the Caps were packing the stands with fans, re-oriented the sign board location and had a TROJAN day. Damn I’m a dummy!!

Rumour has it that it was just Walter Young handing out his own to fans as they entered the stadium.

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#70 DK0
August 05 2009, 12:39PM
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@ dyckster: @ Librarian Mike: Pick up VirtualWin hxxp://virtuawin.sourceforge.net/ lets you have multiple desktops and then you can switch between them using windows+arrow keys. Then you can set up a dicking around desktop and a doing work desktop. 2 key presses and your switching between. Each desktop even has its own start bar so a smart boss cant even look at the bottom and see your web browser's title and know your not working :)

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#71 Harlie
August 05 2009, 12:40PM
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OvenChicken8 wrote:

Harlie wrote: Seriously!? And here I thought the Caps were packing the stands with fans, re-oriented the sign board location and had a TROJAN day. Damn I’m a dummy!! Rumour has it that it was just Walter Young handing out his own to fans as they entered the stadium.

as long as they weren't "pre-worn" i have no problem with that promotion.

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#72 dyckster
August 05 2009, 12:40PM
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ronaldo wrote:

just being a dyck

Lol, ~never heard that one before~. Let's see, my wife always says she married a dyck, I retort with, oh ya, well you became one after we got married. My kids have been chastised so much they've grown to love the name (they like the attention and frankly have grown thick skin because of it). What can I say, I've been blessed. Thankfully I'm not a cyclops...can you f'in imagine!

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#73 ronaldo
August 05 2009, 12:44PM
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dyckster wrote:

Thankfully I’m not a cyclops…can you f’in imagine!

Not previously, but now I am.

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#74 Harlie
August 05 2009, 12:54PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Harlie wrote: Seriously!? And here I thought the Caps were packing the stands with fans, re-oriented the sign board location and had a TROJAN day. Damn I’m a dummy!! Oh Harlie, will you EVER learn? *laughs heartily, slapping desk with every chortle*

You've got a desk in your basement? SWOON!! SHWING!! SHWAG!! Or whatever S word the kids are sayin these days.

**Harlie goes into his best Sean Connery accent " You're the man now, dog." **

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#75 ScubaSteve
August 05 2009, 12:54PM
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I was in Brandon Manitoba for a hockey tournament, and after the last game, one of our coaches took the van around to look for a party. We found one, talked to one dude, couldn't tell if he was drunk or just actually from Brandon (it sounds the same). As we left, some douchebag in our van told the party to "go F*ck themselves". They proceeded to break the rear window of the van with a beer bottle. Based on my single, isolated experience, I have to conclude this happens hourly in Brandon, it kinda gave us a nice taste of what life is like in Manitoba.

That's my Manitoba story.

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#76 ScubaSteve
August 05 2009, 12:56PM
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THE END

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#77 gdawg
August 05 2009, 01:18PM
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Capitals are a fun night out the whole family can afford and enjoy. Way better experience than the Rush. Can't even see the rush being around in five years.

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#78 jeanshorts
August 05 2009, 01:18PM
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This one time, I was on a family road trip and we were cruising through Manitoba. We stopped to get gas and al....OH MY GOD THERE ARE NEW VANESSA HUDGENS NUDE PICTURES LEAKED ON THE INTERNET!

*locks himself in his room for the rest of the week*

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#79 gdawg
August 05 2009, 01:21PM
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jeanshorts wrote:

This one time, I was on a family road trip and we were cruising through Manitoba. We stopped to get gas and al….OH MY GOD THERE ARE NEW VANESSA HUDGENS NUDE PICTURES LEAKED ON THE INTERNET! *locks himself in his room for the rest of the week*

Whats the link on the pics?

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#80 jeanshorts
August 05 2009, 01:24PM
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@ gdawg:

What is this, jeanshortsandbaggedmilk.com? I'm pretty sure there's some kind of standards and practices bureau that would have this whole operation shut down if that kind of thing were discussed.

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#81 The Towel Boy
August 05 2009, 01:25PM
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@ dyckster:

Haha...when I say "did some time" I mean I lived there for a year. I left my mark on that town. Those who lived there in 94/95 know what I'm talking about. It is a nice town though, for sure.

*wonders if mysterious vague reference to the possibility of something dubious happening will entice readers to think the Towel Boy is, in fact, a bad ass*

And yes, Riding "Mountain" National park has awesome fishing, camping, golfing and skiing....all in the middle of the bald assed prairies. No lie, you can see Winnipeg from the top of it.*

*possible lie

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#82 Deans
August 05 2009, 01:28PM
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I'm really excited about the Caps aquisistion of Jose Lima. It's LIMA TIME. Anyone who doesnt know anything about Lima definatly youtube him or try to check out his appearances on The Jim Rome Show. He is a former MLB 20 game winner and he is one of the most charasmatic MLB players EVER. I am going to try and see his next start in Edmonton

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#83 Deans
August 05 2009, 01:32PM
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@ Hemmertime: The neiborhood sorounding Telus Field is actually pretty afluent. Yes its downtown so there are pockets that resemble Fallujah but that is always going to happen in any downtown community. Oh and have you ever seen the communities sorounding Rexall and Commonwealth? Not that is matters, but they are not exactly Pleasantville.

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#84 Deans
August 05 2009, 01:34PM
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If you are into baseball check out Sherwood Park native Mike Johnson. He is a former Expos pitcher and at the last game I was at he pitched an absolute gem. It was a complete game, three hit shutout. Oh and the beers are only 4 BUCKS!

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#85 Wanye Gretz
August 05 2009, 01:43PM
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jeanshorts wrote:

OH MY GOD THERE ARE NEW VANESSA HUDGENS NUDE PICTURES LEAKED ON THE INTERNET! *locks himself in his room for the rest of the week*

*smashes through locked jeanshorts' door and shoves him out of the way. Starts licking monitor vigorously*

dyckster wrote:

People will be using Wanye Gretz and Walter Cronkite in the same sentence….book it!

Perhaps the problem at the family gatherings is that they do read this website on occasion. As I read about a virtual version of myself licking a computer monitor in the comment above I have to wonder what I am doing with my life.

Then I remember what I'm doing:

BEING AWESOME.

*laughs heartily at people with direction in their lives, goes back to licking jeanshorts' monitor*

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#86 DK0
August 05 2009, 01:49PM
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@ Wanye Gretz: You should put together a couple Nation Night Outs where we get our livers prepared for the NHL season by going to a Capitals and Rush game and then forcing them to reconsider their beer pricing policy through mass overconsumption.

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#87 ryanbatty
August 05 2009, 01:58PM
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I live just across 97 Ave so I've gone to probably 10 games this year. $25 for a ticket, 2 hot dogs and 3 beers is hard to beat. Plus when there are only 1500 fans and you're 50 ft from the field you know the guys on the field can hear you when you heckle.

Doesn't Walter's info remind you King Hippo? Age: ?? Weight??? But at least we knew he came from unlike Walter.

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#88 Shannon
August 05 2009, 02:10PM
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DK0 wrote:

@ Wanye Gretz: You should put together a couple Nation Night Outs where we get our livers prepared for the NHL season by going to a Capitals and Rush game and then forcing them to reconsider their beer pricing policy through mass overconsumption.

I think there should be an Oilers Nation party somewhere downtown on the first day of the season (and what will be my 30th birthday): October 3.

It's a Saturday, it's against the Lames, it's the first day of the season - does life get any better?

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#89 DK0
August 05 2009, 02:27PM
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Shannon wrote:

does life get any better?

We win 184 to 0?

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#90 Wanye Gretz
August 05 2009, 02:34PM
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@ Shannon: @ DK0:

I totally agree that Nation parties are a must again this year. The two we had last year were fantastic. By my recollection the Oil were 1-1 in them and we all got buckled in both instances.

We are currently figuring out the upcoming season with the fine folks at Hudsons - who have hooked it up BIG TIME for the other two parties.

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#91 Hemmertime
August 05 2009, 02:41PM
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ryanbatty wrote:

Doesn’t Walter’s info remind you King Hippo?

I giggled, props

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#92 Rocksteady
August 05 2009, 03:34PM
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Wanye.. stats on sir Walter Young..

http://www.thebaseballcube.com/players/Y/Walter-Young.shtml

He's seen the big leagues.. for like 20 minutes.

$4 beer at Telus? Must be residual beer from the Rex?

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#93 RobFormerlyInALab
August 05 2009, 03:37PM
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So when is Katz going to combine forces with Tim Hortons, transitioning the team name from The Capitals to The Ice Caps, cashing in on that marketing bonanza? I think baseball cap sales would go through the roof. They could offer special series baseball caps with ear flaps for those fall games.

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#94 Travis Dakin
August 05 2009, 03:58PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

We are currently figuring out the upcoming season with the fine folks at Hudsons - who have hooked it up BIG TIME for the other two parties.

You better include me in that thought process I am tired of missing the boat due to work. I want in this year!

Love Travis

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#95 The Towel Boy
August 05 2009, 04:03PM
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RobFormerlyInALab wrote:

They could offer special series baseball caps with ear flaps for those fall games.

I would buy that.

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#96 Wanye Gretz
August 05 2009, 04:11PM
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Travis Dakin wrote:

You better include me in that thought process I am tired of missing the boat due to work. I want in this year! Love Travis

Should we put it up as a poll question?

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#97 OvenChicken8
August 05 2009, 04:20PM
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Rocksteady wrote:

Wanye.. stats on sir Walter Young.. http://www.thebaseballcube.com/players/Y/Walter-Young.shtml He’s seen the big leagues.. for like 20 minutes. $4 beer at Telus? Must be residual beer from the Rex?

LOL best known for heaviest player in MLB history. That's fantastic!

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#98 Librarian Mike
August 05 2009, 04:39PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Should we put it up as a poll question?

Count me in for whatever's going on! I'll bring the gimp mask...oh, wrong forum...

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#99 Wanye Gretz
August 05 2009, 04:43PM
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OvenChicken8 wrote:

LOL best known for heaviest player in MLB history. That’s fantastic!

He is also extremely tall. No word of a lie he looked like he could demolish the umpire and the backcatcher with a single blow.

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#100 Harlie
August 05 2009, 04:44PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Travis Dakin wrote: You better include me in that thought process I am tired of missing the boat due to work. I want in this year! Love Travis Should we put it up as a poll question?

yeah man, do it. I haven't met any of you freaks for real yet. haha!

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