What's next? The Valley Zoo?

Wanye
August 05 2009 10:14AM

capsgame1

We vividly recall the fiasco when Jason Gregor decided to try and expand our minds and talk about a different local team: the Edmonton Rush. We also remember the hilarious backlash he suffered and how we ourselves chimed in saying we know little about local sports and can't think of a reason to start caring.

We love backlash

And so here is our article about a local sporting squadron. For you see last night, against our better judgment, we went to an Edmonton Capitals game. For those of you in the Nation who aren’t fortunate enough to hail from Edmonton or surrounding area, the Edmonton Capitals are the minor, minor, minor league independent baseball team with no affiliate to any major league squadron and is independent in it’s non-affiliation status. Translation: this ain’t the Major Leagues kids.

They play here at Telus Field, which is the northernmost ball park in professional baseball:

telusfield

Now ordinarily we would rather spend a quiet afternoon with Amy Winehouse than attend a local sporting event not involving the Oilers. Call us jaded, ignorant or emotionally cold, that is just how we roll.

That is, until last night when the OilersNinja rolled into Wanye Manor™  and announced that today was the day that we were going to attend a Capitals game. We recently decided to live fraternity house style with the OilersNinja, MSG and a player to be named later. And the new house – a bit of a fixer upper (read: crack shack) – is basically in the infield of Telus Field. And the OilersNinja rightfully pointed out that “while not technically hockey, supporting the Capitals will eventually reduce the tax loss suffered by your hero Kay-Z. Plus we can figure out why they fire off so many fireworks.” Not having a BlackBerry to keep us entertained, we agreed to go.

Fireworks

fireworks

We kid you not – it seems that at the end of every game, inning and at bat these Capitals are firing off fireworks in jubilant celebration. If it isn’t the fireworks, it’s a movie, projected in the infield, that goes till 3 AM. If it’s not fireworks or a movie it’s a concert of some variety.

But rather than letting all the noise draw us inside the building, we have suspiciously eyed Telus Field in passing for close to three months now and spoken in hushed tones, lest the ever present parking staff intercept our conversation.

“What do you think happens in there?” “Think it’s baseball? I bet it’s baseball” “Who cares about baseball?” “I care about baseball.” “You are sort of a loser though to be fair.” We should mention that have a special hatred for Telus Field. The last time we attended a game we were in Grade One on a class trip. We ate a hot dog and suffered some of the worst food poisoning known to 6 year old man. Think we were in a big hurry to take our life in our hands again? Hells n-o.

Anyways – the Game

Ok the Capitals lost 7-2 or something. We have to admit that we were wrong and we actually had a reasonably fun time. This could be because they have the cheapest beers for sale at any sporting event in town. 4 dollar beers? Get outta here! We can have all sorts of fun with 4 dollar beers being served. Plus players were hitting foul balls every other pitch and we were secretly hoping one would mildly injure one of the ladies in attendance and we could rush in to perform CPR.

We don't know enough to pass judgment on the quality of baseball the Capitals play, but it seemed big league enough to us. The pitch-o-meter on the scoreboard kept showing pitches over 90 mph. Our days playing MLB on Playstation tells us that this is decent enough heat.

They have this dude Walter Young

walteryoung

He is an absolute giant. We went to the Capitals website to take a look at how big this Walter Young is and we were slapped in the face by an absence of statistics:

youngstats1

In any event, we promised the OilersNinja that if we had a good time we would write about it on this here non pornographic website. And yes, there might be some people who rightfully say “this isn’t about Dany Heatley, nor a Dany Heatley trade.” Others too will say “where am I Wanye – capitalsnation.com??”

But there isn’t a Capitals Nation and 24 hours ago we would have said “good.” But we went down to the game and had 28 dollars worth of beer, sat outside and discussed dismembering Dany Heatley. And good times were had by all. To be truthful, we still don’t care all that much about local sports and probably never will. But from now on when we are half asleep on a work night and we hear fireworks being shot off into the air we will briefly smile before cursing and go back to sleep.

And odds are, we will attend another game this season. Until of course the Oilers hold a development camp at Millenium Place or something equally awesome.

Then we are back to business.

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Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 IgorUlanov
August 05 2009, 10:22AM
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Walter Young = Physical stay at home D-man we are looking for?

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#2 ronaldo
August 05 2009, 10:27AM
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Let see...28 / 4 = 7 Nice Tuesday night Wayne.

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#3 James Gunner
August 05 2009, 10:32AM
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After Walter Young is finished with the bathroom, you must have to repaint the walls.

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#4 Travis Dakin
August 05 2009, 10:33AM
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Not going to lie bro, you losing your blackberry is our gain. 2 days and 2 articles. It's like... December in the nation.

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#5 The Towel Boy
August 05 2009, 10:36AM
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...wait...wait...back up....4 dollar beer!?!

Do they limit you to 1 per evening? Is there a 4 dollars service charge rendered on each beer? Is this including gratuity? Is it a brand name beer? Is it only an 8 oz cup?

...my sporting event attending psyche is not programmed to understand any beers priced below 8 dollars each.

*makes robot waving arm motions*

DOES ...NOT...COMPUTE!

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#6 RossCreek
August 05 2009, 10:36AM
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$4 beer?! What is the cover charge at this bar again? And its called Telus Field, you say? Hmmm, never heard of it. Might have to check it out.

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#7 scorecoff hemmercules
August 05 2009, 10:42AM
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Was there a competition to see which Asian guy could blow up the biggest condom ballon???

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#8 RossCreek
August 05 2009, 10:48AM
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I hear the hot dogs have drastically improved since your last visit. If this is true, I might have to slide by for " a few innings".

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#9 dyckster
August 05 2009, 10:50AM
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Last time I was at Telus field it was to watch the Trappers. My most vivid memorie, getting shat on by a seagull. I guess better the seagull then Walter Young. Imagine the carnage!

Once again a great article Wanye!

Quick question, do they have cheerleaders and/or lapdancers, do they bring out a see through shower stall with a stainless steel pole during the 7th inning stretch? Good family fun!

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#10 Chaz
August 05 2009, 10:55AM
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Two articles in two days?!? Is that you Jonathon? So now we know who has your Blackberry Wayne. Willis, you criminal genius you!!

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#11 OvenChicken8
August 05 2009, 10:55AM
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What are the ticket prices like for the caps? Is it like a cover charge for a beer gardens?

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#12 scorecoff hemmercules
August 05 2009, 10:56AM
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dyckster wrote:

do they bring out a see through shower stall with a stainless steel pole

Where on earth do they do this, just curious where the idea came from??

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#13 Hemmertime
August 05 2009, 11:01AM
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@ Wanye Gretz: Oh real nice neighborhood. I once met a chick that gave me her address in that crack-ville near Telus Field. Driving there a realized NONE OF THE F*CKING HOUSES HAVE NUMBERS ON THEM. God damn ghetto you are in.

At least your neighbors are easy.

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#14 dyckster
August 05 2009, 11:03AM
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scorecoff hemmercules wrote:

do they bring out a see through shower stall with a stainless steel pole Where on earth do they do this, just curious where the idea came from??

Good old Manitoba my man, apparently we may have invented the "shower, shower, shower" chant. The plexi-glass shower was a staple at most of the burlesque establishments around Winnipeg. The steel pole was a bonus though.

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#15 humantorch
August 05 2009, 11:04AM
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Last time I went to a Trappers game it was in John Ducey Park and the Trap were still the farm team for the California Angels. Tim Salmon, widely considered the greatest player to every play for the Angels, hit two homers to help the good guys beat, oh hell, I can't remember who they were playing that night. The Calgary Cannons or Vancouver Canadians, probably.

Man, those were the days.

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#16 Colin
August 05 2009, 11:05AM
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@ scorecoff hemmercules:

Who cares where it came from? It's awesome. No explanation required.

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#17 Colin
August 05 2009, 11:06AM
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humantorch wrote:

Last time I went to a Trappers game it was in John Ducey Park and the Trap were still the farm team for the California Angels. Tim Salmon, widely considered the greatest player to every play for the Angels, hit two homers to help the good guys beat, oh hell, I can’t remember who they were playing that night. The Calgary Cannons or Vancouver Canadians, probably. Man, those were the days.

You just made me feel very, very old.

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#18 Librarian Mike
August 05 2009, 11:07AM
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Wait...we still have a baseball team?

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#19 dyckster
August 05 2009, 11:10AM
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Colin wrote:

Who cares where it came from? It’s awesome. No explanation required.

Yup, there's a reason the province's license plate reads "Friendly Manitoba".

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#20 Marc Salmon
August 05 2009, 11:17AM
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Walter Young is (or was, maybe he is still growing) 6'5 and 322 lbs.

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#21 Harlie
August 05 2009, 11:27AM
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"shapely tipped" condoms are given away at Ballgames and the crowd is encouraged to place them between their legs and wave them!? And I can't even fly a Fire MacT banner in RX-1? What is wrong with this world??

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#22 scorecoff hemmercules
August 05 2009, 11:27AM
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@ dyckster:

I guess in a place as boring as Manitoba they need alot of whore related activities to keep them sane.

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#23 Hemmertime
August 05 2009, 11:28AM
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scorecoff hemmercules wrote:

I guess in a place as boring as Manitoba they need alot of whore related activities to keep them sane

Vegas is a blast, with twice the whores! They even have teeth.

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#24 Wanye Gretz
August 05 2009, 11:29AM
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@ Travis Dakin: @ Chaz:

That's hilarious. Truthfully I write half of an article every day but often times it is too rambling and terrible (even for me) to merit being put up on here. I would hardly consider these past two articles of any real quality, but again with no ability to talk to anyone via BBerry this is the only way I can communicate with the world.

@ OvenChicken8:

We shelled out for Club seating - you know cause we ball hard - which was the princely sum of $17 per ticket. I think grandstand seats are $7 bucks a pop.

dyckster wrote:

Quick question, do they have cheerleaders and/or lapdancers, do they bring out a see through shower stall with a stainless steel pole during the 7th inning stretch? Good family fun!

They had some sort of something going on in the seventh inning stretch but to be honest I was busy trying to talk up the girls one section over and wasn't paying much attention. I have no little black book anymore dyckster - it's the Great Depression and I have to rebuild.

@ Hemmertime:

The new 'hood is seriously 1/2 yuppies 1/2 crackheads. I'm hoping to start a forced breeding program between the two groups.

@ Marc Salmon:

Seriously? I don't doubt it. He is a GIANT of a man.

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#25 Wanye Gretz
August 05 2009, 11:30AM
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@ Harlie:

You do realize I gripped that photo from a Japanese Baseball site right? That ain't no Capitals game. In Japan they march to a different baseball drum.

*fondly remembers Mr. Baseball, including the scene Tom Selleck is in the soaking tub completely nude*

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#26 Hemmertime
August 05 2009, 11:32AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

The new ‘hood is seriously 1/2 yuppies 1/2 crackheads. I’m hoping to start a forced breeding program between the two groups.

So with that classification, where do you fit in? Dont seem to yuppy to me.

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#27 Cam
August 05 2009, 11:33AM
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Hemmertime wrote:

scorecoff hemmercules wrote: I guess in a place as boring as Manitoba they need alot of whore related activities to keep them sane Vegas is a blast, with twice the whores! They even have teeth.

I know five women from Manitoba, and all five of them are very attractive. I am not sure if any hotties are left in that province, but their exports to Alberta have many fine attributes... including teeth. :-)

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#28 ronaldo
August 05 2009, 11:33AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

*fondly remembers Mr. Baseball, including the scene Tom Selleck is in the soaking tub completely nude*

Dude, it's right before lunch.

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#29 dyckster
August 05 2009, 11:34AM
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Hemmertime wrote:

They even have teeth.

Well done!

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#30 Hemmertime
August 05 2009, 11:34AM
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@ Cam: Yes but you said women, not whores. A different class, usually

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#31 scorecoff hemmercules
August 05 2009, 11:36AM
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You know its going to be a long month when all we have to discuss is baseball and whores from Manitoba. We trade Nilsson yet???

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#32 Wanye Gretz
August 05 2009, 11:38AM
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Hemmertime wrote:

So with that classification, where do you fit in? Don't seem to yuppy to me.

You can put me squarely in the "not a crackhead but occasionally panhandles when the mood strikes him" category.

@ ronaldo:

It sure is ... it sure is.

*Fondly remembers Tom Selleck in 3 men and a baby*

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#33 ronaldo
August 05 2009, 11:43AM
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scorecoff hemmercules wrote:

You know its going to be a long month when all we have to discuss is baseball and whores from Manitoba. We trade Nilsson yet???

We tried to trade him straight across for a whore from Manitoba, but she wouldn't wave her no-trade clause. Damn that's low.

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#34 Librarian Mike
August 05 2009, 11:47AM
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ronaldo wrote:

scorecoff hemmercules wrote: You know its going to be a long month when all we have to discuss is baseball and whores from Manitoba. We trade Nilsson yet??? We tried to trade him straight across for a whore from Manitoba, but she wouldn’t wave her no-trade clause. Damn that’s low.

Lowe and Tambellini are on their way to Flin Flon as we speak.

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#35 Hemmertime
August 05 2009, 11:48AM
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@ Wanye Gretz: Who wants a mustache ride?

Dang, time to watch Super Troopers again

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#36 scorecoff hemmercules
August 05 2009, 11:48AM
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@ ronaldo:

Nicely done

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#37 Hemmertime
August 05 2009, 11:49AM
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@ Librarian Mike: She have more teeth than the other whore we coveted? (Heatley)

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#38 dyckster
August 05 2009, 11:49AM
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Damn, why all the Manitoba bashing!

*Slowly pulls off his Dale Hawerchuk Wpg Jet jersey while at the same time hoping no Oiler Nation faithful recalls Winnipeg having a mayor who was fond of same sex*

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#39 OilersNinja
August 05 2009, 11:50AM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

Yeah if you call making friends with the questionanly pink team cheering beer boy, then yes you were trying to hit on the gils in the section over...... BUSTED

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#40 OvenChicken8
August 05 2009, 11:50AM
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@ Wanye Gretz: As low as $7....

I just may have to check out a few games now.

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#41 scorecoff hemmercules
August 05 2009, 11:51AM
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ronaldo wrote:

scorecoff hemmercules wrote: You know its going to be a long month when all we have to discuss is baseball and whores from Manitoba. We trade Nilsson yet??? We tried to trade him straight across for a whore from Manitoba, but she wouldn’t wave her no-trade clause. Damn that’s low.

Whats the world coming to when trade clauses are affecting the hoe trade. Pimps accross the nation have it rough these days.

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#42 OilersNinja
August 05 2009, 11:53AM
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And in my world gils = girls

I apologize for any confusion or rumours I may have started about Wanye's love for aquatic animals.

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#43 OilersNinja
August 05 2009, 11:55AM
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@ OvenChicken8: Did Wanye mention $4 dollar beers....Delicious Coors Light (no substitute for Bud Light of course)

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#44 OvenChicken8
August 05 2009, 11:57AM
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@ OilersNinja: If it's cold beer and I'm outside then it's good beer... unless that beer is black label draft *shudders* oh how I hate black label hangovers.

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#45 Wanye Gretz
August 05 2009, 11:58AM
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@ Hemmertime:

Man, THAT is a fantastic movie too.

@ OilersNinja:

Oh look who rolled in to talk baseball! How nice of you to actually leave a comment on the site, rather than your traditional move of reading the article then phoning me to talk about it -

Oh yeah. I have no phone.

Damn.

And I was not making friends with the beer vendor, I was ORDERING BEERS for heavens sakes. How should I communicate my order? A series of clicks and beeps?

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#46 Hemmertime
August 05 2009, 11:59AM
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@ OvenChicken8: better than Crest's 2 hour toilet marathons next day

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#47 The Towel Boy
August 05 2009, 11:59AM
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dyckster wrote:

Damn, why all the Manitoba bashing!

I once did some time in Dauphin, MB. Nice town. It had a "mountain" to the south. Well, they called it a mountain. It was more of a small pimple on Earth's face. It just looked big because everything else in the surrounding area is flat as hell.

That's my Manitoba story.

The End

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#48 Wanye Gretz
August 05 2009, 12:01PM
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@ OvenChicken8:

Apparently the Capitals are leading their division. I will most definitely attend a playoff game, learn the name of the Championship Trophy and then demand the Capitals bring it home to Edmonton.

If people showed up to Telus Field ready to party, the place would be drank dry in about 11 minutes. When the Ninja and I ordered our third round off the vendor he declared us his "best customers in a long time." Contrast to Oilers games where I was once told they will cycle through 130 kegs in a playoff game.

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#49 Cam
August 05 2009, 12:01PM
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Hemmertime wrote:

@ Cam: Yes but you said women, not whores. A different class, usually

Very true... the women I know are definitely not prostitutes, and are totally classy.

So I guess I am pointing out that you can't just a province by it's working women? I dunno

ummm... go OILERS... and crackercats I guess. woot. glad to read anything really keep it up.

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#50 Cam
August 05 2009, 12:04PM
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@ Cam: That should be "judge"... not "just".

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