Picking the goat

Wanye
September 15 2009 10:25AM

goatgoat

Picking the Goat for the 2009-10 hockey season is almost more difficult than picking the Star. Firstly, one has to take a look at the team’s overall chances and the likelihood someone is going to take multiple blamings as the season wears on. The better your team, the less likely your goat is going to take a beating.

Say you are one of the eleven remaining fans of the Harlem Globetrotters.You have a reasonably good chance that your team won’t lose a single game all season and odds are that the blistering basket shoot-scoring of the Washington Generals won’t keep you up late on most nights. In this instance you have no real need for a Goat as success seems assured.

Now say you are a fan of the local ice hockey squadron, the Edmonton Oilers. Following their liver shredding Cup run in 2006, the Oilers have amazingly missed the playoffs three years in a row. This has not gone over well in the OilersNation where fans have become surely at best and murderous at worst. We had a long discussion with some of the boys about the temperature of the crowds that will enter RX1 this coming season. What will the prevailing mood be? Hopeful hope? Anger filled anger? Something inbetween like tepid indifference? It really could go either way.

The purpose of picking a Goat is to be able to hang your hat on an Oiler and blame him for the entire buffet table of bitter tasting woe that the Oilers serve to us on such a regular basis of late. When you name a particular player as your Goat he becomes the whipping boy for the entire team and a theraputic release for all things bad.

Ales Hemsky whiffs one? Damn the Goat for passing him the puck in such an off tempo manner. Oh it wasn’t the Goat that passed him the puck? Damn his poor positional play causing a hurried pass. Goat boy wasn’t on the ice for the whiff? Curse his bench sitting technique all to hell!

Now should your Goat actually cause some sort of unfortunate incident on the ice? Now you’re talking! Friends witnessing the gaffe will often look to you and say “good call going with ___ as your Goat this season. That guy is twelve shades of shit.” You can then sit back, smug in your predictory skills, almost taking pleasure at the brutalness of Senor Goato.

This is the way we pass the winter Nation. Until we figure out a way to keep Edmonton 24 degrees year round, this is the best we can do.

2009-2010 Goat Selecto

Last year we famously picked Dennis Grebeshkov to be the Goat for the season. Though some in the Nation figured his dramatically improved play, team leading plus/minus (or something) and (something something) meant he had turned the corner as an NHL player they couldn't be more wrong. While we were focused on his terrible play, worse attitude and awful results we found that we actually began to truly dislike him as the season wore on.

goatgrebs2

Think we hated Grebs last year? Check back now that it is 2010 and Goatie McGrebeshkov has signed a 3 million dollar deal. A 3 million dollar deal!? Has the entire world gone crazy? What in the sweet holy hell is going on? Remember when Grant Fuhr signed that crazy free agent contract with the Leafs? What did he make, like $1.8 MM or something? Now Grebeshkov makes 3 million? How do you think that makes Grant Fuhr feel? We will tell you how it makes Grant Fuhr feel. Not very good! And he has found a second life on the celebrity golf circuit.

No, no, no. This won’t do at all. We love Grant Fuhr. Screw you Grebs, looks like you are up as the Goat deuce years in a row.

One final note

wanye2

It’s (Preseason) Game Day Bitches.

*runs off to liquor store, because if the hobos downtown have taught us anything it’s that unemployed people drink whenever the hell they please*

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#101 Colin
September 15 2009, 11:53AM
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@ Petr's Jofa:

I was typing that before # 91 was up, so more of # 87.

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#102 socaldave
September 15 2009, 11:53AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

It’s OK. I once kicked Colin’s sister in the chin as hard as I could. That was later known as “the day Colin was inadvertently circumcised”

Good lord, Wanye - you've gotta give us some warning before dropping gold like that!

I just finished laughing hard enough to fart, shoot snot rockets and choke on oxygen. All at the same time.

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#103 Ender the Dragon
September 15 2009, 11:54AM
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Fiveandagame wrote:

Where the hell are JS and BM? We’re sinking to their level and they aren’t even here.

You can't just sink to their level. It takes active propulsion to get down there.

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#104 Bob Cob
September 15 2009, 11:56AM
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Staios is the Goat this year. He's to slow, small, he puts in a hell of an effort but he just doesn't have it anymore. Gator retired and Staios is getting close, besides Peckham will be pushing for a spot in the next year or two if not this year.

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#105 ronaldo
September 15 2009, 11:57AM
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Wayne, is that goat skating fast or farting $$$?

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#106 The Towel Boy
September 15 2009, 11:57AM
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Ender the Dragon wrote:

You can’t just sink to their level. It takes active propulsion to get down there.

So true...so true.

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#107 Wanye Gretz
September 15 2009, 11:58AM
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Kieso wrote:

Is there a rule by which I am allowed to trade my goat for a different one during the year?

I think in the event your goat is traded or even better banished to the minors you can basically declare "checkmate" and the Oilers have to send you a free pair of game tickets or something.

@ ronaldo:

He is so rich that money is falling out of his goat pockets as he glides down the ice grinning like an idiot.

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#108 danjo1
September 15 2009, 11:59AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

@ scorecoff hemmercules: @ danjo1: Look at those dollar signs trailing the fool. AND he has forgotten his stick behind him. Note how the opposing ‘tender sees this and mocks him openly. @ The Towel Boy: Corson’s statute of limitations may have worn off. I will grant you that.

It all makes sense now. But I think another reason he forgot his stick is that he's wearing a skate on all four legs... Even if he was wearing only two skates, he doesn't have opposable thumbs.

Another reason to mock him!!!

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#109 Wanye Gretz
September 15 2009, 12:00PM
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danjo1 wrote:

But I think another reason he forgot his stick is that he’s wearing a skate on all four legs… Even if he was wearing only two skates, he doesn’t have opposable thumbs

Good heavens you are right. He lacks the ability to even hold his stick! And yet the Oil have seen fit to pay him $3 milli.... it boggles the mind.

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#110 cfdchap
September 15 2009, 12:04PM
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I'll have to go with...Staios. We always seem to pick a Dman to run out of town. Luckily, Steady Steve is in the last year of that albatross of a contract, and won't be back anyways.

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#111 Robin Brownlee
September 15 2009, 12:06PM
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I'm a Scientist! wrote:

My pick for goat of the 2009-10 season is Robin Brow…wait, wait wait…what am i saying… *runs in a tiny little circle screaming a single tone then launches himself towards the SuperComputer with a flury of fists* It…is…trying…to…get..me…killed! My pick for Goat of the 2009-10 season is Pouliot. He sucks, ‘nuf said. I didn’t even need the SuperComputer to tell me that, which is rare because i really don’t think for myself.

Hahahahahahahaha. That's funny. A scream. My sides hurt from guffawing. Hahahahahaha.

Be that as it may, as coincidence would have it, you're the first winner of the RB Signed Jersey Contest. I've got an autographed Ales Hemsky game-worn jersey for you. All you have to do to get it ($899.99 value), is slip me your address and I'll personally come by later today and give it to you. Don't delay.

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#112 patty
September 15 2009, 12:06PM
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My Goat this year is Smid.

He's also my Star.

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#113 Fiveandagame
September 15 2009, 12:08PM
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@ Wanye Gretz: Could you add to the picture? Maybe Ethan Moreau picking up Grebs stick for him (due to the lack of the already mentioned opposable thumbs) like a good captain and subsequently spraining his wrist in the process?

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#114 Wanye Gretz
September 15 2009, 12:10PM
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Robin Brownlee wrote:

I’ve got an autographed Ales Hemsky game-worn jersey for you. All you have to do to get it ($899.99 value), is slip me your address and I’ll personally come by later today and give it to you. Don’t delay.

Now why does this seem too good to be true? Hmmm...

@ Fiveandagame: Another slight on the Captain! You sons of bitches...

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#115 Heazues
September 15 2009, 12:11PM
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Robin Brownlee wrote:

Be that as it may, as coincidence would have it, you’re the first winner of the RB Signed Jersey Contest. I’ve got an autographed Ales Hemsky game-worn jersey for you. All you have to do to get it ($899.99 value), is slip me your address and I’ll personally come by later today and give it to you. Don’t delay.

run scientist, im not kidding... nobody EVER comes back after winning an RB contest. :)

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#116 Fiveandagame
September 15 2009, 12:13PM
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Can a player still be your goat if they are on the Long Term IR?

~If not, Maybe Moreau isn't a good pick~

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#117 Jimmy
September 15 2009, 12:14PM
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Seems to me you can only rag on your goat while he's on the IR if he would have made a difference healthy.

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#118 ronaldo
September 15 2009, 12:16PM
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Robin Brownlee wrote:

Be that as it may, as coincidence would have it, you’re the first winner of the *****RB Signed***** Jersey Contest. I’ve got an autographed Ales Hemsky game-worn jersey for you. All you have to do to get it ($899.99 value), is slip me your address and I’ll personally come by later today and give it to you. Don’t delay.

Does this mean you signed the Hemsky jersey? That would be cool. After you ax murder I'm a Scientist! Can I have the jersey?

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#119 Jorge
September 15 2009, 12:17PM
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who doesn't like a blog about how terrible all our oilers are? Gilbert sucks

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#120 Curious
September 15 2009, 12:18PM
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Wanye's "goat" drawing looking like a bull - which is a totally different species. The goalie in the net is too small for a NHL team. It looks like they should be in Tom Thumbs or whatever they call the 6 year olds now. At least the stick looks like a stick. The net has no mesh but nice attempt at making it 3-D.

For a six year old C- but for you Wayne...

Grade F

Try tracing - its easier.

Sorry to say but Horcoff and his ugly salary are going to make him the "goat" this year. We all expect him to do more and I dont see him being able to do it. Unfortunately when the Oilers slump he will be the one we all turn to and criticize.

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#121 Wanye Gretz
September 15 2009, 12:22PM
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@ Curious:

You do realize that criticizing my drawings only inspires me to do more right?

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#122 Mr. Pink 17
September 15 2009, 12:22PM
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It just came to me as did the spelling of HEMSKY, by picking a goat are we saying the Oil will not make the playoffs. Hense--Blaming the Goat

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#123 Travis Dakin
September 15 2009, 12:23PM
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Today is a good god damn day in the Nation.

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#124 ronaldo
September 15 2009, 12:23PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

@ Curious: You do realize that criticizing my drawings only inspire me to do more right?

Take requests? I would like to see the goat and star fight for the outcome of the coming season.

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#125 Curious
September 15 2009, 12:30PM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

We can only hope for more truely inspirational drawings to see your progression and your truely artistic side come out. As long as you arent in a bathtub with Mike Myers doing your drawerings I am ok with more.

But you still get an F from me for today.

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#126 Wanye Gretz
September 15 2009, 12:34PM
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Curious wrote:

But you still get an F from me for today

Does the F stand for "F****n Awesome?"

I sure hope so....

*crosses fingers and toes and rocks back and forth*

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#127 Petr's Jofa
September 15 2009, 12:36PM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

I thought it was for Fantastic!

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#128 Jimmy
September 15 2009, 12:39PM
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I usually give people an 'F' for eFfort.

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#129 Curious
September 15 2009, 12:42PM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

As I look at the drawing again and again, and see the subtle attention to detail that I hastily made during my initial review of the picture, you can take the "F" and pretend it means anything you want. I have this sudden feeling that maybe you dont take criticism very well and I certainly dont want to be the cause of any sudden "reactions" because you have my email address and the cops might find me later.

You can cross your toes? Thats F****ed up

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#130 NBOilerFan
September 15 2009, 12:43PM
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Tambellini's name is missing from that list.

If this team is slow out of the gates and gets itself into a big black hole by December that is almost impossible to recover from, Tambellini will be wearing the horns for not doing enough this offseason except Healtey hunting.

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#131 Gerald R. Ford
September 15 2009, 12:43PM
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Staios, unfortunately. Love the old bastard, but he served up an awful lot of pizzas last year. Other than Horcoff, and his, inability to put the puck in the ocean, I think he'll definitely lead the team in how many times he causes The Nation to unleash vile, prolonged torrents of profanities at their television screens. Get a Staios Swear Jar ready, Nation.

Wanye, where's the article on MacT getting a TSN gig?

"I'm happy to finally be among the experts where the issues are many and solutions obvious,"

ahahaha Classic.

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#132 Wanye Gretz
September 15 2009, 12:45PM
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@ Curious:

Oh yeah I am literally sitting here in my chair seething. If you define "seething" as "watching YouTube videos of Westside Connection and reading Willis at his new site at http://my.thescore.com/hockeyordie/default.aspx"

I'll be OK. You give me whatever ratings you want so long as you come to the site and have a good time.

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#133 Fiveandagame
September 15 2009, 12:46PM
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Travis Dakin wrote:

Today is a good god damn day in the Nation.

Seconded.

Wayne in the house, RB chirping and a whole lotta goats... Take that! Work place productivity!

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#134 Amber
September 15 2009, 12:50PM
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Poo Czar wrote:

Why all the Moreau hate??? HAVE YOU ALL FORGOTTEN ABOUT *CLAP CLAP*?!?!?!

Ethan had Chlamydia? Say what?!

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#135 smiliegirl15
September 15 2009, 12:51PM
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You are all too hard on Moreau. I wish the rest of the players on this team had half the heart Moreau does on the ice. There is no one with more grit than he. Horcoff is my goat. Staios is too easy to blame. Khabi will fix him after the first time Stevie Wonder trips over him in his effort to play goalie. Horcoff just doesn't seem to have the confidence and seems to feel the pressure of his salary and fan expectations. Otherwise he would fan on the puck so much. AND before you start harping on how many points he had last season, he gets the most Hemsky ice time too so he better damn well produce something. I would sincerely love to see him back to his pre-shoulder injury season self.

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#136 Homie
September 15 2009, 12:52PM
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Goat: Gilbert. He had an awful lot of second assists last year and his point total masked a fair it of average to below average play in his own end.

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#137 The Towel Boy
September 15 2009, 12:53PM
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Fiveandagame wrote:

Take that! Work place productivity!

It's all about "multitasking"....yeah.

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#138 Wanye Gretz
September 15 2009, 12:53PM
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@ Amber:

OH AMBER! :D

(hold for applause)

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#139 smiliegirl15
September 15 2009, 12:53PM
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smiliegirl15 wrote:

Otherwise he wouldn't fan on the puck so much

*where is that edit feature they keep promising. It's all a trick I tell ya.

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#140 The Towel Boy
September 15 2009, 12:54PM
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smiliegirl15 wrote:

I wish the rest of the players on this team had half the heart Moreau does on the ice.

If his heart is on the ice it's most likely cuz he broke his ribs and it fell out.

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#141 I'm a Scientist!
September 15 2009, 12:54PM
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@ Robin Brownlee: YES! I can't believe i won! i never win ANYTHING!!!

*skips around and jumps for joy...*

Just when i was about to burn the SuperComputer to the ground for being so stupid... La la la...

My address is

c/o DeepOil 32 DeepOil Lane Edmonton, Alberta

I should be home around 6... i am the guy with the hair.

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#142 I'm a Scientist!
September 15 2009, 12:55PM
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*Runs........fast*

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#143 Jimmy
September 15 2009, 12:55PM
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Wanye has an edit function! Do we mob him?

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#144 The Menace
September 15 2009, 12:55PM
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Amber wrote:

Poo Czar wrote: Why all the Moreau hate??? HAVE YOU ALL FORGOTTEN ABOUT *CLAP CLAP*?!?!?! Ethan had Chlamydia? Say what?!

Did he tell you it was a harmless rash? That guy can be such a rascal!

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#145 Archaeologuy
September 15 2009, 12:59PM
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Goat = Horcoff

I would have chosen Moreau, but I'm not even convinced he makes the team this year.

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#146 Wanye Gretz
September 15 2009, 12:59PM
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@ I'm a Scientist!:

Good Lord that's rich. This IS a great day on the Nation.

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#147 Petr's Jofa
September 15 2009, 01:01PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

@ Curious: Oh yeah I am literally sitting here in my chair seething. If you define “seething” as “watching YouTube videos of Westside Connection and reading Willis at his new site at http://my.thescore.com/hockeyordie/default.aspx” I’ll be OK. You give me whatever ratings you want so long as you come to the site and have a good time.

I remember the good old days when Willis used to flood this site with blogs. Now his new gig has 6 pages of blogs and we're left with not seeing anything from him since Saturday.

**bravely holds back tears**

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#148 Wanye Gretz
September 15 2009, 01:06PM
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@ Petr's Jofa:

Willis will be throwing down 3 articles per week herein.

Perhaps we should recruit a new writer for our stable of murderous gangsters?

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#149 daveeed
September 15 2009, 01:07PM
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Goat = Moreau

I do like his effort level but last year the penalties he took were terrible, the mixed messages he had in some interviews and heck I bet even some of the dressing room rift between the younger and older players could be laid at his feet. Plus, apparently, from reading these comments, he had the Clap (aka Leduc disease). And seriously, if your dressing room post-game tradition is clapping along to Hall & Oates, no wonder we didn't make the playoffs!!!!

Back to pretending to work...

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#150 Archaeologuy
September 15 2009, 01:07PM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Perhaps we should recruit a new writer for our stable of murderous gangsters?

May I suggest Edgar Alan Poe or Ovid. I love those guys.

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