Picking the goat

Wanye
September 15 2009 10:25AM

goatgoat

Picking the Goat for the 2009-10 hockey season is almost more difficult than picking the Star. Firstly, one has to take a look at the team’s overall chances and the likelihood someone is going to take multiple blamings as the season wears on. The better your team, the less likely your goat is going to take a beating.

Say you are one of the eleven remaining fans of the Harlem Globetrotters.You have a reasonably good chance that your team won’t lose a single game all season and odds are that the blistering basket shoot-scoring of the Washington Generals won’t keep you up late on most nights. In this instance you have no real need for a Goat as success seems assured.

Now say you are a fan of the local ice hockey squadron, the Edmonton Oilers. Following their liver shredding Cup run in 2006, the Oilers have amazingly missed the playoffs three years in a row. This has not gone over well in the OilersNation where fans have become surely at best and murderous at worst. We had a long discussion with some of the boys about the temperature of the crowds that will enter RX1 this coming season. What will the prevailing mood be? Hopeful hope? Anger filled anger? Something inbetween like tepid indifference? It really could go either way.

The purpose of picking a Goat is to be able to hang your hat on an Oiler and blame him for the entire buffet table of bitter tasting woe that the Oilers serve to us on such a regular basis of late. When you name a particular player as your Goat he becomes the whipping boy for the entire team and a theraputic release for all things bad.

Ales Hemsky whiffs one? Damn the Goat for passing him the puck in such an off tempo manner. Oh it wasn’t the Goat that passed him the puck? Damn his poor positional play causing a hurried pass. Goat boy wasn’t on the ice for the whiff? Curse his bench sitting technique all to hell!

Now should your Goat actually cause some sort of unfortunate incident on the ice? Now you’re talking! Friends witnessing the gaffe will often look to you and say “good call going with ___ as your Goat this season. That guy is twelve shades of shit.” You can then sit back, smug in your predictory skills, almost taking pleasure at the brutalness of Senor Goato.

This is the way we pass the winter Nation. Until we figure out a way to keep Edmonton 24 degrees year round, this is the best we can do.

2009-2010 Goat Selecto

Last year we famously picked Dennis Grebeshkov to be the Goat for the season. Though some in the Nation figured his dramatically improved play, team leading plus/minus (or something) and (something something) meant he had turned the corner as an NHL player they couldn't be more wrong. While we were focused on his terrible play, worse attitude and awful results we found that we actually began to truly dislike him as the season wore on.

goatgrebs2

Think we hated Grebs last year? Check back now that it is 2010 and Goatie McGrebeshkov has signed a 3 million dollar deal. A 3 million dollar deal!? Has the entire world gone crazy? What in the sweet holy hell is going on? Remember when Grant Fuhr signed that crazy free agent contract with the Leafs? What did he make, like $1.8 MM or something? Now Grebeshkov makes 3 million? How do you think that makes Grant Fuhr feel? We will tell you how it makes Grant Fuhr feel. Not very good! And he has found a second life on the celebrity golf circuit.

No, no, no. This won’t do at all. We love Grant Fuhr. Screw you Grebs, looks like you are up as the Goat deuce years in a row.

One final note

wanye2

It’s (Preseason) Game Day Bitches.

*runs off to liquor store, because if the hobos downtown have taught us anything it’s that unemployed people drink whenever the hell they please*

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#51 Jimmy
September 15 2009, 11:02AM
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Pisani - I haven't changed my mind since yesterday afternoon.

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#52 Fiveandagame
September 15 2009, 11:03AM
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@ The Towel Boy: I betting first period my Toweled friend.

*sits and basks in what will be GOATOPIA for entire 09/10 season*

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#53 The Towel Boy
September 15 2009, 11:04AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

Plus I watched him play softball already this season and the Mayor went out of his way to high five him.

Oh, WELL then...I was not aware of that. It makes my pick of him as my goat all the more logical then...since that high five from the Mayor probably tore his rotator cuff.

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#54 BUCK75
September 15 2009, 11:05AM
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@ jayoilfan:

Khabibulin has good years in contract years. We have 4 seasons of goat horns & seeing the cracks in the the crumblin Bulin Wall until that happens again. Swapping a 39 year old goalie with lots of mileage in the past couple of seasons for a slightly younger, higher mileage model should be an automatic set of goat horns.

But my pick is the easy way out & picking Staios. Too old - too slow.

Honorary mentions go to Pat Quinn's Extra branded Gum. The gum is the brains of this operation.

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#55 I'm a Scientist!
September 15 2009, 11:06AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

(you should probably run, he is probably on the way to your house already)

I hope he is, because i am at work, hiding under my desk... Oh, probably shouldn't have let that info slip...

Besides, the SuperComputer made me say it...

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#56 Fiveandagame
September 15 2009, 11:07AM
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R Kenny wrote: Nobody puts Chopper in a corner.

Classic!

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#57 Heazues
September 15 2009, 11:09AM
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khabibulin. too much mileage to give the guy 4 years.

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#58 Fiveandagame
September 15 2009, 11:10AM
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The Towel Boy wrote:

Oh, WELL then…I was not aware of that. It makes my pick of him as my goat all the more logical then…since that high five from the Mayor probably tore his rotator cuff.

He's prolly on the DL already. Dude would crack his pelvis if he farted too exuberantly.

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#59 Fiveandagame
September 15 2009, 11:11AM
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This is soooo much better than working BTW

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#60 Canadian Maniac
September 15 2009, 11:13AM
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I was going to say Gilbert (or unfrozen caveman goalie Khabibulin, who as others have said will be returned to cryostasis upon re-injury of his groin), but then I had a dream where every fall I would check nhlnumbers.com and find out Staios' contract was extended another year, repeating for all eternity. I don't think Staios has the tools to compete anymore, and he isn't getting better with age.

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#61 ronaldo
September 15 2009, 11:13AM
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Staios is my official pick, but I'll be screaming at thecaptainethanmoreau as if I picked him. Easy pickins I know, but if the horns fit....

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#62 Travis Dakin
September 15 2009, 11:14AM
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Fiveandagame wrote:

Dude would crack his pelvis if he farted too exuberantly.

Commence generation of a slow clap.

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#63 Petr's Jofa
September 15 2009, 11:14AM
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@ Fiveandagame:

I am always amazed at what I learn at this site. For example, I never knew that one could us the word 'exuberantly' to descibe a fart, but now I do.

I love this site.

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#64 Fiveandagame
September 15 2009, 11:16AM
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How many games does Ethan Moreau play before he explodifies a part of his body?

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#65 Wanye Gretz
September 15 2009, 11:16AM
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The Towel Boy wrote:

since that high five from the Mayor probably tore his rotator cuff.

I oughta tear your rotator cuff. How can you speak of the Captain in this fashion? Doesn't his title and office get him any respect?!?!

@Everyone chirping the Captain

I might seriously have to show you people how I got my Teardrop tattoos in prison. You can't chirp the Captain before the season starts! You silently hold in your criticisms until he does something wrong during a game, then you inappropriately spazz, then you lip your Goat off royally then you go back to bottling it up.

Such a lack of respect for the Captain!

*goes off to make prison shank out of toothbrush*

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#66 Fiveandagame
September 15 2009, 11:17AM
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@ Petr's Jofa: @ Travis Dakin: Thank you fine sirs. I am not responsible however if your I.Q drops from reading my posts...

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#67 Petr's Jofa
September 15 2009, 11:19AM
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I expect a bounce back year from Ethan and almost picked him as my star. Give the poor guy a break, sure he had a lot of penalties but due to his recent years on the IR he was still adjusting to the "new" NHL last season.

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#68 Fiveandagame
September 15 2009, 11:19AM
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@ Wanye Gretz: His freaky eye gets him some respect. Cause nobody wants to look him in the eye. Just remember Shane Corson wore the C... Shane Corson.... Corson...

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#69 Greg MC
September 15 2009, 11:21AM
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Ethan Moreau = goatboy. That is all.

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#70 freeze
September 15 2009, 11:23AM
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Missed my pick from yesterday so here they are:

Star: Penner - he will use his size this year. he was also a runner up for my goat but I'm going optimistic.

Goat: Moreau - old, slow and selfish. he will expose himself and will hopefully be gone before the end of the season.

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#71 Fiveandagame
September 15 2009, 11:23AM
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Petr's Jofa wrote:

I expect a bounce back year from Ethan and almost picked him as my star. Give the poor guy a break, sure he had a lot of penalties but due to his recent years on the IR he was still adjusting to the “new” NHL last season.

Dude if the guy bounces back, he's liable to break his spine. Lets just hope he does okay. I don't want to wish injury on anyone.

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#72 Poo Czar
September 15 2009, 11:23AM
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Why all the Moreau hate??? HAVE YOU ALL FORGOTTEN ABOUT *CLAP CLAP*?!?!?!

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#73 BigE57
September 15 2009, 11:25AM
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Horcoff will be the goat. Too much expectations riding on him.

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#74 Wanye Gretz
September 15 2009, 11:26AM
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Sweet tap dancing Jesus. The guy has had more horrific injuries than the NFL combined in the past 3 years. Cut him some slack!

This is just not kosher behaviour. The Captaincy should earn you some street cred. Predicting injury and calling him the Goat? It makes my eyes bleed.

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#75 Fiveandagame
September 15 2009, 11:28AM
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[URL=http://sports.webshots.com/photo/1477702057073039763niGIRm][IMG]http://thumb3.webshots.net/t/54/154/0/20/57/477702057niGIRm_th.jpg[/IMG][/URL]

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#76 Petr's Jofa
September 15 2009, 11:28AM
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Felt the nead to search the Captain on the interwebs to see if I could come up with anything useful to defend him. (No luck) However I did come across this useless bit of information.

"Moreau is currently the only remaining asset that the Oilers retain as a result of the Wayne Gretzky trade—taking all subsequent trades into account."

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#77 Fiveandagame
September 15 2009, 11:31AM
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@ Wanye Gretz: Hey it's not like I WANT him to be the goat. I would LOVE for him to be say... awesome with wickedocity every game.

BUT like your big Deucer Grebs... ya gotta call it like ya sees it.

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#78 The Towel Boy
September 15 2009, 11:31AM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

SHANE. CORSON.

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#79 Poo Czar
September 15 2009, 11:32AM
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I tried finding that sweet post game interview with the Hall and Oates clapping to no avail. That clip should be all anyone needs to be on board with the Captain.

*CLAP CLAP*:

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#80 scorecoff hemmercules
September 15 2009, 11:32AM
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Another fine painting Wanye. I assume the dollar signs are something to do with Grebs overpayment? And picking the same goat two years in a row, tooooo easy.

I have a sick feeling Bulin will be everyones goat before Jesus bithday.

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#81 Mills
September 15 2009, 11:33AM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

"Goat boy wasn’t on the ice for the whiff? Curse his bench sitting technique all to hell!"

This reminds me of a game last year where the guy behind me yelled at Penner to get off the ice when he hadn't set foot on the ice in at least two minutes.

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#82 Poo Czar
September 15 2009, 11:33AM
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The Towel Boy wrote:

SHANE. CORSON.

Using that metric I could call Pat Quinn George Burnett. SHENNANIGANS!!!

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#83 Petr's Jofa
September 15 2009, 11:34AM
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@ The Towel Boy:

I get the feeling you're suggesting that making the guy who suffered from panic attacks the team captain wasn't a glorious moment in Oiler history.

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#84 danjo1
September 15 2009, 11:35AM
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scorecoff hemmercules wrote:

Another fine painting Wanye. I assume the dollar signs are something to do with Grebs overpayment? And picking the same goat two years in a row, tooooo easy. I have a sick feeling Bulin will be everyones goat before Jesus bithday.

It's because the goat, whoever he is, will be a cash-money millionaire.

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#85 Wanye Gretz
September 15 2009, 11:38AM
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@ scorecoff hemmercules: @ danjo1:

Look at those dollar signs trailing the fool. AND he has forgotten his stick behind him. Note how the opposing 'tender sees this and mocks him openly.

@ The Towel Boy:

Corson's statute of limitations may have worn off. I will grant you that.

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#86 Fiveandagame
September 15 2009, 11:40AM
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Poo Czar wrote:

The Towel Boy wrote: SHANE. CORSON. Using that metric I could call Pat Quinn George Burnett. SHENNANIGANS!!!

And by the same metric we could call Shawn Horcoff, Wanye Gretzky.

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#87 The Towel Boy
September 15 2009, 11:40AM
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@ Petr's Jofa:

"I like playing hockey...I just don't like playing hockey."

-Shayne Corson, ca. 1995

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#88 Reggie
September 15 2009, 11:40AM
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too easy, and because I hate the signing to start with ... Comrie.

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#89 Ender the Dragon
September 15 2009, 11:41AM
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I was hoping to pick a goat that would get traded out of town before the end of the season, just to put an exclamation point on things. ("Yes, he was that bad," they'd say; "We couldn't even put him on the bench because we'd still have to practice with him.")

Still, my Goatboy for this season will still be an Oiler at season's end because he is virtually untradable. His contract is that bad. I can't believe that he's not in the poll for goat; in fact, people actually picked this bag of rancid mucous for STAR, if you can believe it . . .

[shakes head]

Dustin freakin' Penner.

'Oooooh, he's the Man. No MacT around now to mess with his head. He's got it together now. He's ready to play some hockey this season.'

What absolute rubbish. If Penner was capable of playing without drawing criticism, he'd have done it already. You don't think he wanted to prove MacT wrong last year? Of course he did. Know why he didn't? Because he couldn't, and he still can't.

Penner is going to break a lot of Oiler hearts this season, and when people start using his name as a cuss-word, I'm going to point to this thread (and yesterday's; Sheeesh!) and ask you what the hell you were thinking.

Goat-Boy = Penner. Hands down.

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#90 Colin
September 15 2009, 11:41AM
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I'll pick Staios.

He'll get undressed more than Wanye's sister at family reunions.

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#91 Petr's Jofa
September 15 2009, 11:42AM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

I love fine art, everyone can see different things in it.

I myself saw the sick behind the goat representing Khabby throwing his stick in a fit of rage after being pulled yet again. And the other goal is Khabby's counter part laughing at him...

See, even you subconsiously know Khabby is the 2009-10 goat. You just don't want to accept it.

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#92 The Towel Boy
September 15 2009, 11:43AM
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Colin wrote:

He’ll get undressed more than Wanye’s sister at family reunions.

*gasp*

Oh, no you Di-ant!

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#93 Fiveandagame
September 15 2009, 11:45AM
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In the poll is "Someone else Moron" our new 1st line LW? Maybe Someone else Moron will fit.

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#94 Wanye Gretz
September 15 2009, 11:46AM
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The Towel Boy wrote:

Colin wrote: He’ll get undressed more than Wanye’s sister at family reunions. *gasp* Oh, no you Di-ant!

It's OK. I once kicked Colin's sister in the chin as hard as I could. That was later known as "the day Colin was inadvertently circumcised"

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#95 Colin
September 15 2009, 11:46AM
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@ The Towel Boy: I can picture it now:

"It's my turn"

"Wait Pa, she's ma sister too"

Too much?

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#96 Colin
September 15 2009, 11:47AM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

Yay! Fun!

I was already circumsized once too.....

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#97 The Towel Boy
September 15 2009, 11:48AM
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@ Wanye Gretz: BWahahahahah

@ Colin:

See comment #91.

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#98 r59
September 15 2009, 11:48AM
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@ Wanye Gretz:

That took me a minute, but that is one HELL of a burn.

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#99 W.T.
September 15 2009, 11:49AM
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W.T. here again, time for another season.

The goat will be the left winger on the first line as The Oilers don't have anyone who can fill these shoes.

W.T. suggests that Oilers will do much better than folks think. New coach will make a world of difference.

W.T. suggests if the Oilers are losing money, why would owner buy them?

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#100 Fiveandagame
September 15 2009, 11:49AM
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Wanye Gretz wrote:

The Towel Boy wrote: Colin wrote: He’ll get undressed more than Wanye’s sister at family reunions. *gasp* Oh, no you Di-ant! It’s OK. I once kicked Colin’s sister in the chin as hard as I could. That was later known as “the day Colin was inadvertently circumcised”

Ha incest is funny...

Where the hell are JS and BM? We're sinking to their level and they aren't even here.

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