Outlook 2010

Wanye
January 01 2010 09:39AM

 

As the year that was 2009 draws to a close back home, here we are sit in Australia after the first non white Christmas/NYE of our life, hung over and listening to Unkie Rod calling the Oilers-Flames game. Craig Conroy has literally just scored with 10 seconds left in the second period for the Flames to take a 1-0 lead. Canada is coming back against the United States in the WJC and Natalie Portman remains as beautiful as ever. Now seems as good a time as any to look ahead to 2010. (Ed note: Wanye couldn't figure out how to post this himself and we were busy living our lives in MST so there is a delay. Live with it.)

QUICK FACTOIDS

Let’s do a quick personal review for your ol’ pal Wanye in 2009:

Favorite Athlete: Tiger Woods. Status: On permanent vacation, reputation in tatters. 

TW has had a tremendous year hasn’t he? Turns out the number one golfer in the world is also the most busted serial adulterer of all time. With a surgically repairing face courtesy of a 9 iron to the grill from the missus and with an “indefinite leave of absence” from professional golf, one could make a convincing argument that 2010 won’t exactly be a banner year either for the man.

Favourite Musician: L’il Wayne. Status: Going to jail for 12 months starting Feb 2010.

After a fantastic 2009 that included hot videos, #1 jams and consuming more drugs than then all Rexall customers combined it was a matter of time until Weezy came crashing back down to earth.  Now that he is going to the slammer for a year due to a weapons charge there will be little from the Best Rapper Alive in 2010. Bye bye Cash Money, hello solo effort by the youngest Jonas Brother.

Favorite Team: Edmonton Oilers. Status: So screwed it would be funny, only it’s not funny. Instead it’s so sad it makes your eyes bleed.

Oh what have the Oilers had a bad 2009? You will have to excuse us, we have been living 17 kms under the surface of the Pacific, completing an indepth study of the lichens found on the ocean floor. The Mighty Oil missed the playoffs in April and haven’t put much up in the first 3 months of the 09-10 season to give anyone - except those who have been ‘touched by the Angels’ - any hope that things are going to improve this year. Oilers car flag sales have slumped to a 5 year low, and the company that sells playoff pompoms has officially declared bankruptcy.

OilersNation 2010 Star: Mike Comrie. Status: Stricken with mononucleosis, hasn’t been seen in months.

Despite leading the NHL in points during the 2009 preseason, the season that could have been and the story that almost was has come to a mononucleosis ridden halt. Whether or not Comrie will be as effective upon his return as he was before he left remains to be seen, his first priority is getting healthy enough to be able to smooch Hilary Duff without wearing a surgical mask. And so it should be.

THE SILVER LININGS

Yep, that seems like a pretty accurate description of our favourite things in 2009. We aren’t sad in the least to see the year shown the door and begin a fresh page in the ol' calendar. Because it really isn’t all that bleak and there are plenty of things that give us hope.

Thing #1: OilersNation. Status: Mind blowing.

We have met 2 separate people on our trip that had heard of the OilersNation. We only packed 4 tshirts for this voyage – two OilersNation tshirts, a plain white t-shirt (for blending into crowds after stealing wallets) and a tuxedo tshirt (for nights on the town.) As a result there has been a 50/50 chance we are repping the Nation at any given time and we have been stopped twice by people on the street who have said “OilersNation? I know that site. Isn’t the team terrible?” Two separate people! Can you believe that business? The corresponding level of shock we registered isn’t good for someone as emotionally fragile as we have become since the Oil have slid into the toilet. It knocks our socks off our feet that this little non-pornographic website has taken off to the degree that it has and we can’t thank all of you enough for making us a part of your day.

The level of suck that the team is displaying hasn’t dampened the activity on the site at all and we will all continue to do our best to continue to improve things around here in 2010, allowing us to make our own fun until Katz fires everyone and centers the squad himself next season. To everyone involved – the writers, the designers, the tech fellas, Bingofuel and each and everyone of you crazy kids – we can’t thank you enough.

Thing #2: Jordan Eberle. Status: Homoerotically awesome.

Jordan Eberle is a super stud that will one day lead the Rebel Alliance to victory against the Emperor. He will cure cancer, score 100 points in a single season wearing an Oilers Jersey and will find love with a young lady from Millwoods who will get him to sink deep, deep roots in the community. This is how it is going to happen and if you think differently kindly keep your comments to yourself. We need this and we have a sneaking suspicion the kid is going to deliver the goods.

Thing #3: Justice. Status: Alive and well, despite the fact it has been painfully absent in Edmonton since CFP bounced out of town.

How’s it going in Toronto Mr. Burke? Not that well huh? That’s unfortunate. How about you Glen Sather in NYC? Even though the poor Oil can't sign a free agent to save their lives everyone wants to play in NYC right? So you guys must be having a whale of a season we bet. Oh, so big vibrant mega cities don't always translate into winners on the ice then. Hmm, that makes us feel slightly better.

It is only a matter of time until things start to pick up and we can all refer to 2009 as the year that 'things weren't all that great, but got better from there.'  Comrie will heal up, L'il Wayne will write 5 albums worth of material in prison and Tiger will return to the Tour without sponsorship but with a burning desire to kick the crap out of everyone. And the Mighty Oil will eventually return to form and we will be able to go laugh heartily at TLP down in CGY. That bastard will get his comeuppance sooner rather than later and it will be oh so sweet.

AND SO

This is where we stand as the New Year turns over. We wish you, your familes, friends, frenemies, bromances, showmances and hangers on all the very best in the year to come. We also can’t wait to see your hot sister when we return to E-town and *catch up* with her as quickly as possible.

What are you looking forward to in 2010? How did 2009 go for you? Come and sit on the couch of Dr. Wanye and tell us all about it. 

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Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 SirFozz
January 01 2010, 09:57AM
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*burp*

Merry hangover day.

May the rest of 2010 be better than today. Yay Eberle!

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#2 The Towel Boy
January 01 2010, 10:06AM
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Having a kid is awesome. They wake up at the same ungodly hour, no matter how much Baby Duck you drank.

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#3 Harlie
January 01 2010, 10:10AM
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things could be worse than the hangover your feeling today boys and girls.

I watched this dude get kneed in the pills so violently yesterday on HD Net fights, that his trainer immediately drop to his knees to fondle, uhh i mean "assess" the ugly situation. This left the commentators to laugh and then say this beauty of a comment. "Man, that looked like it hurt! He's gonna be wearing his balls as earring's now!".

Well played Mr. Commentater Sir, well played.

Happy hangover everyone! May O' Ten be good to y'allz!

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#4 Spottheloon
January 01 2010, 10:24AM
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WANYE!!!! I thought you were stuck in some former East German prison after trying to pick up the daughter of one of the constabulary. Good to see you're alive.

On the flip side of the Tiger Woods saga, his wife is offered $55 million to stay with him for another two years. Amazing!! With one swing of an iron, she is the leading money winner on the PGA Tour!! lol

Safe travels and Happy New Year.

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#5 Harlie
January 01 2010, 10:26AM
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lovin this...

http://stats.iihf.com/Hydra/205/IHM205000_85B_6_0.pdf

1 EBERLE Jordan 14 CAN F 4 5 5 10 2 +2 . . 2 PAAJARVI SVENSSON Magnus 21 SWE F 4 3 6 9 2 +6

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#6 rubbertrout
January 01 2010, 11:44AM
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Speaking of the ON gear, when will it (or will it ever) be available for purchase by the lowly citizens?

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#7 jake
January 01 2010, 01:02PM
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Gee, does the silence on Oilers related message boards speak volumes on the outlook right now?

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#8 David S
January 01 2010, 01:30PM
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Anybody watching the outdoor game right now? If so, you should check this out...

http://www.cbc.ca/sports/hockey/hockeynightincanada/allaccess/

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#9 Jamie B.
January 01 2010, 01:36PM
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That movie poster is really freaking me out. The hell?

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#10 David S
January 01 2010, 01:39PM
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I always wondered why Tiger looked so smug.

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#11 The Real Scuba Steve
January 01 2010, 01:55PM
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Where else can we go and vent our frustration about the Oil on the web? That is one of best parts about this site.

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#12 jeanshorts
January 01 2010, 02:06PM
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I know what I'm looking forward to; the first day of 2010 where I'm not super hung over!

*tries to wash the taste of what appears to be dead baby out of his mouth*

I'm also looking forward to finding out where I left my pants.

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#13 Shaun Doe
January 01 2010, 02:57PM
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This may seem really Naive but, Wanye are you really doing Marine Lichen studies off the coast of Australia? And here I thought you were just a regular internet missanthrope. But here I come to discover that you are a regular internet missanthrope with scientific ambitions. Slow clap to you sir.

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#14 jeanshorts
January 01 2010, 03:54PM
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As if the Oilers could not get any sweeter this season!

http://calgary.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20100101/CGY_oilers_restaurant_100101/20100101?hub=CalgaryHome&utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=CTVcalgary.ca

Also, does anyone think it's a sweet idea to go see Avatar in Imax 3d hungover? I can't see problem with it.

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#15 Jamie B.
January 01 2010, 04:09PM
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jeanshorts wrote:

As if the Oilers could not get any sweeter this season!

http://calgary.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20100101/CGY_oilers_restaurant_100101/20100101?hub=CalgaryHome&utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=CTVcalgary.ca

Also, does anyone think it's a sweet idea to go see Avatar in Imax 3d hungover? I can't see problem with it.

Using the picture of Moreau almost losing his eye makes it extra classy on both sides!

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#16 David S
January 01 2010, 05:18PM
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jeanshorts wrote:

As if the Oilers could not get any sweeter this season!

http://calgary.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20100101/CGY_oilers_restaurant_100101/20100101?hub=CalgaryHome&utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=CTVcalgary.ca

Also, does anyone think it's a sweet idea to go see Avatar in Imax 3d hungover? I can't see problem with it.

Saw it a few days ago in 3-D. Its freaking amazing. Maybe bring in a puke bag, you know, just in case.

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#17 David S
January 01 2010, 05:24PM
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jeanshorts wrote:

As if the Oilers could not get any sweeter this season!

http://calgary.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20100101/CGY_oilers_restaurant_100101/20100101?hub=CalgaryHome&utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=CTVcalgary.ca

Also, does anyone think it's a sweet idea to go see Avatar in Imax 3d hungover? I can't see problem with it.

Wow! I know the Osteria in Calgary. Really nice place, but 45 people would have to work pretty hard to rack up an $18,000 tab. I guess that's where the $8,000 in booze came in.

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#18 Engineer
January 09 2010, 09:00AM
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Lichens don't live under the ocean floor and the deepest part of the ocean is approximately 11 km, not 17 km. Are you being paid by the NSA to spread disinformation?

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