January 31 2010 04:12PM
We’d rather jam a nail into our eye and wiggle it around until we passed out from the pain than discuss the Oilers and Flames game Saturday night. We would rather pull that same nail out and sprinkle drops of lemon juice into the open wound than think about the implications of being swept in a seasonal series by the Flames and being so far down the Conference Standings that the Oilers could soon be technically eliminated from the 2010/11 playoffs too.
But we would rather have all of our limbs amputated by an old rusty bandsaw using nothing stronger than a half drank Smirnoff Ice as anesthestic than think about Sheldon Souray’s broken hand and what it means to the effort to rebuild this Shitanusly ® bad hockey club.
This is bad Nation, so very bad.
We didn’t want to get caught up in the “finally a game that means something” current that our compatriot Jason Gregor was promoting this week because we can only have our heart broken so many times before it starts to develop a thick exoskeleton that prevents it from being broken again.
But get caught up we did and went down to the Pint, cracked open a bottle of Canadian Club and kept knocking er back while witnessing one of the worst hockey games we can recall. Having later bundled ourselves into a cab and toddled off into the night, we climbed into our cardboard box under the Terwilligar Bridge and confidently reflected that “this must be rock bottom – it can’t get any worse.”
THEN THINGS GOT WORSE
We don’t know what part of getting worse has been worse – the cracking of the hand of Big Sex on the skull of Iginla or the fact that the Leafs just dramatically reordered their team with the very same kinds of trades we have been screaming for all year. It’s probably the Leafs, but let’s take a look in depth at these two newest kicks to our collective junk shall we?
KICK NUMBER ONE: Souray's hand
If you believe in destiny, Destiny’s Child or any sort of guiding force in the universe, perhaps we will one day look back and say “thank heavens Souray busted his hand. Remember how we all wanted to trade him?” Then we will laugh and laugh and toast each other with flagons of Romulan Ale – which is what we will all be drinking in 2059 when the Oilers finally climb out of this hole.
One of the few Oilers that actually garnered any interest on the open market has now taken himself out of the line up for a good long while and essentially ruled out a trade before the offseason. It’s amazing that both Comrie and Souray have busted their hands fighting in the last two games yet both games were so lacking in emotion that you would have thought the Oilers were dead last in the NHL.
KICK NUMBER TWO: The Maple Leafs get 'er done
In case you have been caught in a Sunday morning shame spiral and are only now ready to learn the news from the outside world, the Toronto Maple Leafs have been hard at work this morning making drastic changes to their team:
D Dion Phaneuf
D Keith Aulie
F Frederik Sjostrom
D Ian White
F Matt Stajan
F Nick Hagman
F Jamal Meyers
G Vesa Toskala
F Jason Blake
G JS Giguere
Remember all of those people who have been saying that multiplayer deals are dead in this here NHL? Remember all of the talk that big contracts can’t be moved in this day and age? Well Nation, Vesa Toskala and Jason Blake just got dealt. Anything is possible.
If it is somehow possible, 2 trades involving 3 teams none of which being the Oilers have actually screwed the team over. How you ask? Here’s how:
1. If deals of this nature are out there, it raises the terrifying thought that:
a) No one in the Oilers front office is working harder than big fat Burkie, who has pulled off not one but two massive deals or b) that the value of the Oilers Tambo is willing to part with is so low that deals cannot be made.
2. It shreds the comparative trade value of Big Sex Souray, considered by many to be one of the few Oilers with any trade value on the team. The Flames had to package up two other players in order to ship Phaneuf out for a bunch of crappy UFAs and Nick Hagman. What do you figure you can get for Souray now?
All of the GMs negotiating with the Oilers for Souray must have been pleasantly surprised when they saw this deal hit the wire and began pulling prior offers off the table and dramatically scaling down what they were offering. You know, till Souray busted his head on Iginlas face seeking revenge for the concussion he got earlier in the season at the hands of the Flames Captain thus making him untradeable at the deadline.
If it weren't so sad it would almost be funny. But it ain't funny. It's so sad.
They are talking about it over at the FlamesNation and seemingly like that they parted with a former all star defenseman in the prime of his career for little more than a bunch of crappy soon-to-be-free agents. But they are a little bit slower than most down there aren’t they?
All the Oilers need to do now to make this officially the biggest cock up of all time is bring back Georges Laraque, citing a need for increased toughness. That would just seal the deal in our mind.
Please let us be right when we say this: January 31, 2010 has to be right around rock bottom for this team - doesn’t it?