OCCD2 - Happy Valentine's Day

Wanye
February 14 2010 11:46AM

The first lazy Saturday of the 2010 Olympics have come and gone and we now consider ourselves an authority on speed skating, mogul skiing and the Gold Medal prospects of the Canadian Womens Ice Hockey Squadron. We have also heard enough sound bites of patriotic classical music to be able to write a series of National Anthems ourselves.

Strings: Check. Soaring trumpet? Check. Kettle drum roll and fade to cymbals? Check. Nice.

That's some new anthem we just wrote for you Moldavia. You're welcome.

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Fact: The Canadian Womens team beat Slovakia 18-0. That's 6 goals per period or a goal every 3.33 mins.

Fact: The Slovakian Womens team beat Belarus 82-0 in qualifying for the games. That's 27 goals per period or a goal every 44 seconds.

What would honestly happen if the Canadian Women's team played Belarus? Can you even exceed an 82-0 result? Could they stay focused enough for three periods of hockey to score 90 goals? The mind stretches to comprehend doesn't it?

We have read about these lopsided drubbings in Women's hockey from time to time but must admit that we only tune in for the medal round generally where the field of play is generally more levelled and the games are close. But we had always wanted to watch a two digit smashing that didn't involve the Oilers and the Sabres or the Blackhawks so we tuned in.

You had to feel for the Slovakian goalie. She faced more shots to the face than 50 Cent and didn't actually play badly at all. The rest of her teammates however - wow. Standing around, unable to complete a pass to save their lives and generally just looking as though they wanted it to be over the second it started.

And after an 18-0 drubbing we can't help but think the Canadians have their number should they meet again in the Gold medal round.

*wink*

Frankly we kind of expected more from Slovakia - a legitimate hockey powerhouse in the Men's side of things. Doesn't Marian Hossa have a sister that trained with him as a child? Does Zdeno Chara have a similarly built female cousin that could be Coached to greatness? Can't that Marshmallow Gaborik be enticed to wear a wig and bring his physical-free style of play onto the ice in a potential gender bending Olympic scandal? Poor Slovaks. A game like that isn't good for anyone.

Flying high off an 18-0 win, this Women's team looks good. Real good. So good we wouldn't pick the Oilers to beat them these days. Not with all THESE injuries and with the arena debate hanging over their heads.

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Dutch speedskating is the bomb. Short track, long track, their fans dress up in orange and dance for hours on end, congratulating every competitor in sight on their fine performances. Then a guy like Sven Kramer takes to the ice and crushes everyone in sight, wins Gold in the 5000 m and sends the Dutch into an orgy of speed skating delight.

Did you know that the Dutch have an annual outdoor speed skating competition that is an uniterrupted 200 km of skating all around the Netherlands? Did you know that something like 10,000 people enter it and less than 150 generally finish? Did you know that the weather has been mild over there these past 15 or so years so they have made a fake track to keep the race going?

You didn't? What did you do all day yesterday? It certainly wasn't sit beside us on the couch at Wanye manor and watch speed skating all afternoon. Pfft.

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Good on you Jennifer Heil for landing Canada it's first medal of the Games yesterday - a silver medal in the Women's moguls final. The conditions were harsh, the Americans were in fine form and you represented the country in fine fashion. Yes, we stood on the couch screaming racial slurs at the American skiier who ended up beating you for the Gold, but you didn't.

You stayed classy and reserved and brought your skiis with you in front of the reporters instead of bringing a flag to hold up like the other skiiers. You clearly didn't want it to end - and neither did we.

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Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 Eric Johnson
February 14 2010, 12:17PM
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That Dutch speed skater was mistakenly confused to be Sidney Crosby buy some crazy (read drunk) canadian hockey fans.

I wonder if Crosby went over there that crazy (read really drunk) dutch fans would confuse him for being that guy....

I lOVE the random winter Olympic events. Ski Jump annnnd a 10k cross country skiing... right.

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#2 Eric Johnson
February 14 2010, 12:18PM
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damn I should have wrote "fist"....

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#3 Eric Johnson
February 14 2010, 12:20PM
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Lindsay Vonn.... eye heart you

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#4 Jamie B.
February 14 2010, 12:25PM
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@Eric Johnson

I wonder if guys like him get a kick out of that. I'm assuming he's a superstar in the Netherlands, so then he comes over here and gets mobbed by crazy fans, "Wait, what? You're not Crosby? Who do you play fo- SPEED SKATING? Meh." *Canadians wander away to crush some more beer*

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#5 Eric Johnson
February 14 2010, 12:31PM
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Jamie B. wrote:

I wonder if guys like him get a kick out of that. I'm assuming he's a superstar in the Netherlands, so then he comes over here and gets mobbed by crazy fans, "Wait, what? You're not Crosby? Who do you play fo- SPEED SKATING? Meh." *Canadians wander away to crush some more beer*

Yeah Totally. He is a household name in Dutchnederhollandlands

Only to be the guy who kinda looks like Sid the kid here.

ON a Side note. At what age do we stop calling him Sid the Kid? 25 -30 -35...

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#6 Horcsky
February 14 2010, 12:48PM
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@Eric Johnson

I'm still lobbying for the name change to "Sidney the Kidney"

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#7 David S
February 14 2010, 01:06PM
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I think adding gunplay to otherwise boring cross-country skiing makes for AWESOME Olympic TV.

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#8 Colin
February 14 2010, 02:00PM
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David S wrote:

I think adding gunplay to otherwise boring cross-country skiing makes for AWESOME Olympic TV.

It would be more awesome if it was combined with other events. "And ___________(some nordic guy) is looking to be in perfect form coming into the ski jump........but wait here come the biathetes(lol)....and he's downnnnn..."

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#9 Eric Johnson
February 14 2010, 02:19PM
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Colin wrote:

It would be more awesome if it was combined with other events. "And ___________(some nordic guy) is looking to be in perfect form coming into the ski jump........but wait here come the biathetes(lol)....and he's downnnnn..."

Dude it's like you crawled inside my head and typed my fantasy for all to read.

Last time that happened, was, SEX by Madonna.

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#10 Matt Henderson
February 14 2010, 03:03PM
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Am I allowed to complain to my girlfriend about figure skating on Valentine's Day? Do I have to watch it?

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#11 Ilya Byakin
February 14 2010, 04:04PM
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Hooray Kristina Groves! Bronze in the 3000!

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#12 BigE57
February 14 2010, 04:08PM
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Quick change the medal total! Nice job by all three Canadian skaters.

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#13 Colin
February 14 2010, 04:24PM
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Is it only me or do the olympics feel like a big fat FAIL so far?

We're supposed to "own the podium" and we have a paltry 2 medals, 2 days into the games. We're on pace for 14(and 0 gold) medals, which is not going to translate to owning jack squat.

I suppose it's possible none of the events we're favored to win at have happened yet, but it's not looking good so far.

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#14 Matt Henderson
February 14 2010, 05:01PM
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@Colin

A little pre-mature i think (that's what she said) about the medal count. It's only halfway through the 2nd day of competition.

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#15 Skidplate
February 14 2010, 05:20PM
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Did you hear the reporter interviewing Jen Heil after the event? Jen was very professional and talking of this being Canada's medal and all the reporter says after is well Canada is still waiting for a gold on home soil, how do you feel about that?

Like what the hell, give the girl some props for being the second best in the world, don't just put her down. Man that chafed my azz

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#16 Waz
February 14 2010, 05:21PM
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FACT: It was Bulgaria that Slovakia beat 82-0 http://tiny.cc/beatdown

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#17 Waz
February 14 2010, 05:30PM
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ALSO: The Eleven Cities Tour or Elfstedentocht, is not an annual event, in fact it is quite rare and held only when the ice is deemed thick enough, last time was 1997. http://tiny.cc/dutch584

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#18 Matt Henderson
February 14 2010, 08:03PM
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Olympic GOLD by Bilodeau on the Moguls! Hopefully that lifts all the pressure off the rest of the athletes to get that first Gold.

GO CANADA!!

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#19 RossCreekNation
February 14 2010, 08:41PM
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Rammstein vs Cookie Monster

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ZeciX-3wfs

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#20 Eric Johnson
February 14 2010, 09:17PM
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Figure Skating... Valentines day, OIlers game.

Could there be a day full of more estrogen... ( I am looking at you Tom Gilbert)

Thank god I got to watch skiers shooting at targets this morning.

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#21 The Towel Boy
February 14 2010, 10:59PM
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This article has nothing to do with Oiler hockey! I'm never coming to this site again!!1!

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