February 15 2010 03:02PM
On the day of the first Canadian winning Gold on home soil there has been a lot to be happy about. The drought has ended, the slump has been busted, etc etc. And if nothing else, it gave the Canadian Olympic Media Consortium and Tax Planning Service Co™ a chance to put on a display of hilarity that made us wonder if we had stumbled into an alternate dimension.
But before we delve into the "ha ha" funny part of the day, we will commence with the "super sad" events that preceeded it: the abysmal figure skating commentary of former Olympians Jamie Sale and David Pelletier. We will start with a brief disclaimer that will illustrate that we already didn't like these two, but now have a whole new level of distate for their operation.
We already hate Sale and Pelletier for buying our childhood home in Edmonton and completely renovating it, eliminating a big part of our childhood in the process. Years from now when the world pornography museum seeks to have it named as a world heritage site they will be sadly disappointed as the bedroom in which we were raised is now a workout center or some such thing. That's reason #1 we don't enjoy these two.
What is going on with Sale and Pelletier as figure skating commentators? Were they given any coaching at all in professionalism, or merely reporting the event rather than trying to shoehorn themselves back into relevance? Seemingly no.
During the Pairs skating last night the two ragged on every single competitor in the entire program, singling out the Ukranian pair of Morozov and Volosozhar and their Bud Light themed costumes noted above. Pelletier helpfully noted at one point "Figure skating is a sport - you just don't dress like that at the Olympics. It looks like their competition made their uniforms."
Uh what David? Knocking figure skaters for dressing weird is like knocking the Oilers for showing up to the final game before the Olympic break and mailing in a 7-3 loss. This is what they do - you can't fault them for it. The German Pair were dressed as clowns for heavens sakes! Clowns!
Its basically a prerequisite that you compete in Pairs skating dressed like a wood nymph or a musical sprite. And Pelletier above all should know this, here is a man who has made a living wearing a backless velour suit. You think he might cut the sport some slack. Or at least wait until the program is over to bring out the knives.
Not to be outdone by her former skating partner, Jamie Sale came across like the former head cheerleader returning to her former high school years later to watch the current squad compete. Old and dried up, she sits high in the bleachers, sharpening her claws and cutting down hard working kids who can't stack up to her glory back in the day.
Sale followed the lead of her former skating teammate all night, chiming in with a "it wasn't like this when we skated" during every other performance, amongst a myriad of other comparisons to their own days atop the skating world. The numerous awkward pauses and dead air during their commentary was an almost welcome reprieve from all the negative energy being directed at us through our telematrix device.
We almost felt for Rod Black, who tried to keep it classy and steer the two to more righteous waters of positivity. He comes across as a complete pro, finding positives in each performance and discussing the merit of each pair. No lie, the other two couldn't have added less to the skating telecast if one had simply coughed the entire show while the other tired to make her thoughts known using that flag code used in the Navy in WWII.
Luckily Alexandre Bilodeau stepped up big time and delivered the first Canadian Gold Medal of the 2010 Games, besting that weirdo Australian-Canadian Dale Begg-Smith and delighting millions of Canadians around the world. This has since been explored 21 ways from Sunday so we will simply leave it at "well done old chap" and delve into the world of the bizarre that followed.
Please, please please tell us someone else saw Brian Williams interview Bilodeau and his family on CTV/TSN/SportsNet/Access Network last night around 10 PM MST.
It was easily one of the strangest live interviews we have ever seen. Williams totally ignored the Bilodeau family save Alexandre's brother Frederick, who was essentially brought out on camera and unfairly put on the spot on National TV.
Luckily the Bilodeau family were in a whirlwind of media coverage and were excellent sports about the impromptu sit down that left us hoping against hope they would be set free and be allowed to go on with their evening of celebrating their Son's win.
And then - just when it couldn't get more awkward - Darren Dutchyshen stolls onto the set - on live tv mind you - and interupts the interview to hand out champagne to he rolls Bilodeau family - including the obviously underage sister!
What in the sweet holy hell was going on?
It was as though Dutchie had just rolled out of the TSN staff orgy going on one set over with a bottle of bubbly and some plastic cups, looking to party and just so happened to stumble across an interview in process.
In rolls Uncle Dutchie, booze in hand for all to enjoy. We half expected him to bust out a bong and hand it around for a quick Olympic pull. What on earth was Dutchie doing? From the look of him the answer is roids.
But we digress. Yesterday was a tremendous day for the Canadians and a big Nation props goes out to Alexandre Bilodeau and the entire Bilodeau family for bringing home the Gold.