IN LIEU OF HIGHLIGHTS

Wanye
March 15 2010 10:22PM

We wish we could have the professional detachment of a Jason Gregor or Robin Brownlee, particularly when the Team puts up a brick of a game like they just did against the Columbus Blue Jackets. But we don't - as shown with the tears superimposed over a blue background in the drawing above.

Rather than looking at the brutal post game highlights, a question instead: have you seen that new Honda ad that compares buying a Honda to your favourite NHL team imploding? The one where that fat guy sits on the couch and cries as the announcer says things like "it's fun, not like when your favourite team traded your favourite player."

We don't know how exactly the market researchers at Honda decided that Oilers fans are the primary target market to try for vehicles at this stage of the game but screw off.

Rather than looking at the brutal post game highlights, another question instead: if Aaron Johnson is the answer, then the question must have been "It's 2016. To stump everyone on Earth except Jonathan Willis, what Oilers defenseman once collected 4 points in 6 games before disappearing in the 2010 offseason and hasn't been mentioned again until RIGHT NOW?"

No one looks more surprised by his output than Aaron Johnson. This tells us "PASS."

PARTY TIME

The sole positive related thing about the Oilers right now is the fond rememberances of the OilersNation party that went down on Saturday night without a hitch. Jason Gregor has given up booze for lent and left before your ol pal Wanye had enough booze in him to give him the business. But we had a blast as per usual with some of the Citizens of the Nation, some of whom were veterans of the scene and some were NationParty Virgins.

Many were present to witness the Oilers lose to the Leafs and watch us perform our NationParty ritual:

  1. Show up.
  2. Witness Oilers immediately start losing.
  3. Fire up WanyeLiver.
  4. Tell Amber McCormick all of our problems, mostly relating to the Oilers.

Rather than looking at the brutal post game highlights, we shall discuss something more fun and will give you a quick breakdown of some of the folks in attendance, so you can better know some of the gang:

TRAVIS DAKIN

Celebrity look alike: Sort of like George Parros of the Ducks. Yes Nation, Dakin has a moustache that luxurious and verdant. We didn't know what to make of it either, so we left our commentary until tonight when Dakin is way the hell in Ft Mac and can't do anything about it.

What kind of fan is he? Dakin is the guy who will watch the game silently, witnesses a broken play or some other monstrosity only to slowly shake his head from side to side, rather than blurt out a string of swearwords like we so often do. Classy.

Brief synopsis: Dakin rolled up in the Pint with buck75 way before the game started in order to get a jump on the rest of us hooch wise. This proved to be amateurish, as we rolled in with our street team of rappers and music producers and quickly overtook him in the beer department. But unlike ourselves, Dakin can hold his drink quite nicely and was a beauty all evening.

ENDER THE DRAGON

Celebrity look alike: Sort of like Commander Will Riker, but mostly because Ender has a beard and at some point in the night we thought this idea was hilarious. Then we went to tell Ender, but he had already left. Many of our bright thoughts occur late in the evening.

What kind of fan is he? ETD is the guy who will watch a brutal goal against the Oilers, will sit back in his chair, take a sip of his drink and muse aloud "the Oilers would be way better if ..." and then proceeed to suggest a course of action that would actually improve the team considerably. We would often helpfully respond with "YOU ARE SHO RIGHT ENDER, SHO RIGHT."

Brief synopsis: Ender has been our party accomplice two nights in a row now and he has proven on both evenings to be a tremendous chap. We would take stoppages in play to discuss theories and suggested courses of action for the team and would both smash heartily on the table to make our respective points.

Buck75

Celebrity look alike: Sort of like Raffi Torres without the bug out eyes and sort of like this guy interviewing Raffi Torres, who is impossibly is Raffi Torres, or possibly buck75 himself.

What kind of fan is he? B75 is the type of guy that watching this kind of crap hockey actually makes fun. He would watch the Oilers surrender the puck in the neutral zone, blink a couple of times and bring up an unrelated story that would force us all to laugh, though we were witnessing the same deplorable brand of ice hockey.

Brief synopsis: b75 kept the magic going all night long in the partying department, which impressed us to our very socks. He also watched the second half of HNIC, muttering something about seeing "some real hockey played that night."

FREEZE

Celebrity look alike: Sort of like that guy Michael Douglas plays in Wall Street, mostly because he was wearing a suit at the party which didn't seem all that impressive to him, but was to us.

What kind of fan is he? Freeze was pulling double duty back and forth between our crew and his own folk but we can recall him getting involved in a riotous debate about which player should be named the Captain of the Oilers when Ethan Moreau is finally punted off the team. He made some good points, namely refuting our proposal to "force the new Captain to kill Moreau as his first duty in the new job."

Brief synopsis: Freeze has also hit up back to back parties and even went so far as to force several cohorts of his to attend the party though they had just been at some variety of big wig convention and was dressed to the nines. He then proceeded to regularly ditch said big wigs to come over and witness us bawling at the top of our lungs and screaming "WHY?????" at the television.

FINALLY SOME HIGHLIGHTS

If you are really in the need of some sort of game summary/highlight package and cannot wait for Willis, we had considered posting it below. But we thought we would post this montage of horrific sports injuries instead.

It is marginally less painful to watch than acual Oilers game footage and has some charming song with whistling in it.

 

You're welcome.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 Sammy D
March 15 2010, 10:33PM
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What? No commentary on the 267+ guys here named Ogden?

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#3 jeanshorts
March 15 2010, 10:54PM
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I can't stop laughing at that Torres photo. My lord, what a day!

I'm also glad I wasn't in attendance because I know it's near impossible to find my celebrity look-a-like picture: Brad Pitt and Gerard Butler mashed into a clump of handsome, juggling chainsaws set on fire, and simultaneously punching a hole through Ryan Kessler's face whilst making love to every beautiful woman within a 100 mile radius. That's EXACTLY what I look like and anyone that dares say otherwise will get stabbed in the eyes.

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#4 Jodes
March 15 2010, 10:57PM
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In the immortal words of Cleveland.. "Thats Nasty".

Thanks Wanye, now I won't be able to sleep.. Especially that Sid Vicious (Eudy) dangly leg bit..

OWWWIEEEEE!!!!

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#5 OB1 Team Yakopov - F.S.T.N.F
March 15 2010, 11:14PM
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Wanye wrote:

When they gather, a more suitable venue is needed like Commonwealth Stadium.

Lets just hope we don't give it the "Ogden treatment".P>

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#6 Red Deerian Convert
March 15 2010, 11:59PM
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Oww, I will go to bed hurting now.

This makes the oilers games definitely look good. Thanks Wayne

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#7 Wanyes bastard child
March 16 2010, 12:02AM
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@jeanshorts

I dare say otherwise, thats right DARE!

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#9 Eric Johnson
March 16 2010, 01:01AM
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OMB*

Just saw this on the TSN power rankings for teams. They list significant injuries. I have heard about it but reading this was hilarious!

"This Week16Last Week23Nashville Predators 38-26-5 Won three of four on their road trip, with rookie C Colin Wilson starting to become a factor offensively, and return home for six of the next seven as they try to solidify their playoff positioning. Key Injuries: D Denis Grebeshkov (testicles)."

I'd say thats a pretty key injury.

(*The "b" stands for Brownlee)

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#10 Petr's Jofa
March 16 2010, 05:59AM
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One positive to last night's games was that Calgary lost to Detroit to fall 3 points behind the Wings for that final playoff spot. With the Fall for Hall all but wrapped up (Magic Number = 9) I think it's time we at Oilersnation start to focus on something exciting like the failure that is happening down south. All it needs is a snappy name I suggest The Shame of the Flames, The Sputter under Sutters" or just simply Flaming Schadenfreude.

Flames are in tough. They are 3 points back of the wings and 4 points back of the preds with games left against Avs (X 2),Sharks (X2),Hawks, Caps, Canucks, Yotes, Bruins, Wild X2, Ducks, & Isles.

Detroit on the other hand plays Edmonton twice and Columbus 3 times. As well they get St Louis, Minny, Nashville (X2) Vancouver, Pittsburgh, Philly, and the Hawks.

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#11 Pajamah
March 16 2010, 06:21AM
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jeanshorts wrote:

I can't stop laughing at that Torres photo. My lord, what a day!

I'm also glad I wasn't in attendance because I know it's near impossible to find my celebrity look-a-like picture: Brad Pitt and Gerard Butler mashed into a clump of handsome, juggling chainsaws set on fire, and simultaneously punching a hole through Ryan Kessler's face whilst making love to every beautiful woman within a 100 mile radius. That's EXACTLY what I look like and anyone that dares say otherwise will get stabbed in the eyes.

Buy me an appletini, handsome??

*seductively sticks finger in bellybutton*

on a side note, my celebrity look a like would be Jerry O'Connell, that is, the fat one from Stand By Me. (in both looks, and "man-child-ness")

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#12 Travis Dakin
March 16 2010, 06:35AM
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jeanshorts wrote:

I can't stop laughing at that Torres photo. My lord, what a day!

I'm also glad I wasn't in attendance because I know it's near impossible to find my celebrity look-a-like picture: Brad Pitt and Gerard Butler mashed into a clump of handsome, juggling chainsaws set on fire, and simultaneously punching a hole through Ryan Kessler's face whilst making love to every beautiful woman within a 100 mile radius. That's EXACTLY what I look like and anyone that dares say otherwise will get stabbed in the eyes.

jeanshorts is so damn handsome that I showed up to Nation Party at the Pint knowing full well that he wouldn't be there, but came anyway because I know he had BEEN there.

I sat in the same seat he sat in. It was magical.

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#13 GSC
March 16 2010, 06:41AM
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jeanshorts wrote:

I can't stop laughing at that Torres photo. My lord, what a day!

I'm also glad I wasn't in attendance because I know it's near impossible to find my celebrity look-a-like picture: Brad Pitt and Gerard Butler mashed into a clump of handsome, juggling chainsaws set on fire, and simultaneously punching a hole through Ryan Kessler's face whilst making love to every beautiful woman within a 100 mile radius. That's EXACTLY what I look like and anyone that dares say otherwise will get stabbed in the eyes.

I think this captures your essence perfectly:

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_yAAaCNPFAlc/RujUhk7itqI/AAAAAAAAAO4/ypgLp-4iSBg/s400/LSUgorilla.jpg

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#14 Travis Dakin
March 16 2010, 06:49AM
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@ Wanye

It's nice to see you were able to fire up the old Comodore 64 to bust out a classic MS Paint picture... as per the numerous requests. Well done. You're spot on with the look alikes... Comander Riker indeed. haha. And your self portrait is surprisingly accurate too, right down to the Oilers shirt.

Have more of these Parties. It was definitely a blast. The rest of you people missed out on a hell of a time... I'm looking DIRECTLY at you Baggedmilk, David S and The Towel Boy

A side question: How does one explain to his Wife what he did at a Nation party for 12hrs? She asked me how the night was. Easy answer. Then she asked me what we talked about and what we did. "Uh... Talked about hockey and the Nation?"

"For 12 hours?!!!??" she said.

"Uh... pretty much."

"You don't talk to me. You never have stories to tell. You bore me."

"Uh.... Wanye is awesome"*

p.s. Bingofuel is greater than I thought. And I thought he was great to begin with. And I'll reserve judgment for Gregor until I can actually have a drink with him... haha

*I couldn't believe just how awesome awesome could be.

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#15 The Towel Boy
March 16 2010, 07:35AM
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All of you that were in attendance shut your talky faces with this NationParty talk!!!1!

I don't wanna hear it!!!1!

Loud noises!!1!

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#16 BUCK75
March 16 2010, 07:42AM
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Thank-you for the kind words. I think you are making me out to be a pretty good guy seeing how I am coming off a 2 day hang-over & go normal to JA in 8 beer.

Funny thing about the whole day is that these people on the site, or at least the 5 or 6 that showed up are good guys. Definitely guys you can share a laugh or hundreds of dollars in booze with.

The funny thing about you convo Travis, is that my bride tried having the same convo with me. "You sat around, got drunk & talked hockey with your little internet friends all day?!?"

That Torres pic is pretty funny. I agree I probably look more like the smurf reporter. Although I do have picture like that with Raffi Torres. I don't see the resemblance, but hundreds of drunkards at Rexall still think so.

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#17 rubbertrout
March 16 2010, 08:13AM
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You party goers make me sick.

*secretly wishes he lived in Edmonton so he could have attended.

Now I'm just waiting for more comments about naked ladies from I'm a Scientist! so I can slow as hell clap and give him props again.

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#18 bingofuel
March 16 2010, 08:16AM
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Best part about meeting Ender the Dragon: When I asked him what he did for work...

Ender: "You know all that stuff they do to your car when you buy it?"

Me: "No."

Ender: "Exactly. *gazes off into the distance*"

Best part about meeting Buck75 was talking politics...

Buck: "I bet you're way more liberal than me."

Me: "I think I'm more of a libertarian."

Buck: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Well, how do you feel about killing kittens for sport?"

Buck: "That's effed up!"

Me: "And I think it's totally ok for you to believe that. *loads shotgun*"

Best part about meeting Travis Dakin...

Me: "You mean Wanye told you his real name?!"

Travis: "Wanye has a real name now?"

Best part about meeting Freeze (for the second time, I should say)...

Me: "Nice tie, big shot. Where were you tonight?"

Freeze: "I just came from buying and selling your ass."

Me: "..."

EDIT: Best part about meeting Librarian Mike (again!)...

Me: "How's it going, Mike?"

Librarian Mike: "*send bingofuel a link that roughly depicts how he's doing*"

Me: "..."

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#19 freeze
March 16 2010, 08:17AM
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ahahaha, great post; but you forgot Librarian Mike!! Also, that pic is way classier than I can ever hope to be; I need suspenders!

That was a good time even if I was floating between groups. At least the Oilers cemented themselves in the basement.

Looking forward to the next one! I will make sure I'm dressed down to jeans and a jersey.

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#20 BUCK75
March 16 2010, 08:59AM
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@bingofuel

~OH yeah - I disagree with your lego evolution theory too!

*googles lego evolution to buy t shirt*

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#21 Pajamah
March 16 2010, 09:01AM
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BUCK75 wrote:

Thank-you for the kind words. I think you are making me out to be a pretty good guy seeing how I am coming off a 2 day hang-over & go normal to JA in 8 beer.

Funny thing about the whole day is that these people on the site, or at least the 5 or 6 that showed up are good guys. Definitely guys you can share a laugh or hundreds of dollars in booze with.

The funny thing about you convo Travis, is that my bride tried having the same convo with me. "You sat around, got drunk & talked hockey with your little internet friends all day?!?"

That Torres pic is pretty funny. I agree I probably look more like the smurf reporter. Although I do have picture like that with Raffi Torres. I don't see the resemblance, but hundreds of drunkards at Rexall still think so.

Hey, I got called out for even considering attending by my wife

I may be paraphrasing, but I'm pretty sure she referred to it as "some sort of World of Warcraft circle jerk"

not normally known for their humor, secretly, was a little proud of that one

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#22 Archaeologuy
March 16 2010, 09:10AM
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I really missed out on this one.

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#23 Ender
March 16 2010, 09:40AM
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The Nation Party . . . better than Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. I arrived on the scene reletively early and didn't immediately recognize anyone. I then though to myself "If I were looking for defining characteristics of Nation Citizens, what would they be?" And then I saw these two guys drunk off their asses in the corner and promptly wandered over to introduce myself to Dakin and Buck75.

Dakin isn't at all like I expected. He's the whole package; dude can drink, hold an intelligent conversation, and without saying so in words look capable of breaking you in half if you disagree with him. Fortunately, he's as smart as I am so there was no reason to disagree.

Buck75 reminded me of Woody Harrelson, if Woody could rock a stylish Torres beard. Fun guy to party with, and with a story for everything. (Did you know Roli is a prick in real life? I wouldn't have known before Saturday. Guess them's the perks for knowing real-life celebs like Buck75.)

Not surprisingly, Wanye showed up late. Bingofuel even later. That was fine; Amber kept us company for awhile. She is totally cool. Amber is the kind of girl that you want to spend a lot of time with. She knows how to light up a room and she reads people really well; makes even a first meeting seem intimately personal. I asked her why she didn't write more, and she said it's because you're all so mean.

STOP BEING MEAN, DAMMIT, OR I'LL SICK DAKIN ON YOU!

OK, Amber, you're clear now. Write away, honey.

Bingofuel is the bomb. I asked him how he got his handle, and he told me a story that I totally understood. It was so good, I wish I was called Bingofuel now. He also related to me his plot to take over the world within the next six months and become the founder of a new superspecies that will make all the rest of you subservient to the master race. I pledged my allegiance right away, of course, so Bingo promised to hurt me last. He's great that way.

Wanye is . . . man, there really isn't a good way to tie words to him. It was the second time meeting him and I still can't quite put him into words . . . I guess he's really a lot like his self-portait at the top. Just make that little animated guy move quickly around and hold cool conversations with over a dozen people at once, and you have Wanye. Ever see the Mr. Bill Show on SNL? OK, take Mr. Bill, make him a million times bigger, and give him a Master's degree in Finance. Now you get the idea. "What's that, Sluggo? You got a problem?" STOMP! "Yeah, you're on injured reserve now, Sluggo buddy. Say hello to the Oilers for me."

Oh, and Gregor was there too. He was way too smart for the rest of us, so when he talked we all just kind of bowed wisely and waited for someone to dumb things back down to normal.

I told my wife about the great time I had at the party. She asked "Better than spending Saturday with me?" Well, Citizens, now that you've read this you will know that that is a dirty trick question. But we hadn't read this yet, and we fell for it hard. "Oh yeah, honey, it was completely awesome!"

So Wanye, I apparently have a lot of Saturday nights on my hands now. When's the next Nation Party again?

[sigh]

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#24 Oil Kings 'n' Pretty Things
March 16 2010, 09:56AM
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All I can say is 'wow'. I feel cooler just for having read the minutes of this shindig.

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#25 Oil Kings 'n' Pretty Things
March 16 2010, 09:58AM
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Pajamah wrote:

Hey, I got called out for even considering attending by my wife

I may be paraphrasing, but I'm pretty sure she referred to it as "some sort of World of Warcraft circle jerk"

not normally known for their humor, secretly, was a little proud of that one

Wasn't that Brownlee's reaction to the 'props' system?

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#26 rubbertrout
March 16 2010, 10:05AM
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Oil Kings 'n' Pretty Things wrote:

Wasn't that Brownlee's reaction to the 'props' system?

I think that was the "nerd reach-around"

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#27 Pajamah
March 16 2010, 10:39AM
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rubbertrout wrote:

I think that was the "nerd reach-around"

Which was also an instant classic

I'm not one for replaying exact conversations, as my memory is somewhat faded

but it was "talkin world of Warcraft/sausage party/jerking each other off"

my explanation probably was simplified, but more to the point. My wife also quotes futurama, which makes my life generally more fun

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#28 The Goat - Team FIST
March 16 2010, 10:52AM
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Oh gooday

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#29 Pajamah
March 16 2010, 10:54AM
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I think we need to do another one of these get togethers so that I can pretend to be Aleslav Smidsky and get bottled right in the neck by Brownlee

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#30 Oil Kings 'n' Pretty Things
March 16 2010, 12:00PM
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I figure it's high time I got myself an avatar. This one should be sufficiently epic.

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#31 RossCreekNation
March 16 2010, 02:42PM
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Awesome stories... wish a *lowly* Flames fan was invited...

*starts sobbing immediately at the mere mention of 'Flames'*

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#32 Lisa McRitchie
March 16 2010, 02:50PM
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All of you Oilers fans who are lucky enough to live in Edmonton at least you have eachother. Internet support is good, but sometimes not enough.

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#34 Robin Brownlee
March 16 2010, 03:54PM
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Pajamah wrote:

I think we need to do another one of these get togethers so that I can pretend to be Aleslav Smidsky and get bottled right in the neck by Brownlee

Talk about gratuitous violence like that is really uncalled for when people can settle their differences in a gentlemanly way with a size 13 in the pills or knuckle sandwich in the yap.

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#35 Pajamah
March 16 2010, 07:37PM
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Robin Brownlee wrote:

Talk about gratuitous violence like that is really uncalled for when people can settle their differences in a gentlemanly way with a size 13 in the pills or knuckle sandwich in the yap.

I should know better than to correct you, but I believe it's pronounced "knuckle samich"

I like your thinking though

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