THOSE DAMNED CANUCKS

Wanye
May 25 2011 12:03PM

For three consecutive rounds we have called for the Canucks to lose their serieses. For three consecutive rounds we have been disappointed. We have now upped the ante and had a buddy in Vegas place a cool $10 beans on every team in the Conference Finals to win save the Canucks. Money talks Nation and our money says "anyone but Vancouver."

HEAVEN HELP US ALL

The most recent rapture may have passed us by with little end-of-days-type-activity but the one sign of the apocalypse we can't shake is the fact that the Canucks are still cruising along in these here playoffs. Watching the Sedins and Luongo celebrating an overtime series win dang near made our eyes cry tears of battery acid last night.

They are now officially running on all cylinders Chez Canucks. The twins are scoring left and right, Luongo is kicking out the old pads turning away the rubber scoring discs like crazy. Kesler is hating everyone and smashing everything. It is everything we didn't want to see, happening before our very tear filled eyes.

Oh the injustice of it all. The fairweather fans in Vancouver will now jack the price of tickets straight through the roof. Brand new Canucks jerseys will fly off the shelves at Sport Cheks everywhere and people all around the Country will suddenly remember "they ARE huge Canucks fans and have been all along! Didn't you know?"

Our stupid brother is living la vida loca out in Vancouver. He called us last night in complete and utter joy. "Seems the Canucks are four away from a Cup win. Care to place a wager on things?" Not only did we take him up on his ill advised bet but we cursed him as only a fan of the Oilers could.

"We will bet you a few clams that the Canucks lose. But for an extra element of difficulty we want odds that you suffer the same fate as have the Oilers and the Flames. Push the series to a seventh game then gas it in the final match. I place a second bet that the Canucks lose in 7 and break all your BC Bud loving hearts."

And so it was written and so it was done. Damn you Canucks. Damn you straight to Game Seven Hell.

SILVER LINING

Nice work in the playoffs Dany Heatley. You dink.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#2 mayorpoop
May 25 2011, 12:06PM
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bruins in four!

the words i have for the canucks cannot be used as my mom is supposed to be watching over my shoulder.

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#3 Matt Henderson
May 25 2011, 12:13PM
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They peaked early. Take almost a week off between the 3rd and 4th round and all that momentum goes the way of the Rapture.

It's for the best because I hear they used all their confetti yesterday when they were celebrating that meaningless victory.

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#4 mayorpoop
May 25 2011, 12:19PM
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Matt Henderson wrote:

They peaked early. Take almost a week off between the 3rd and 4th round and all that momentum goes the way of the Rapture.

It's for the best because I hear they used all their confetti yesterday when they were celebrating that meaningless victory.

haha confetti....pre-mature much canucks?

it's almost like they are married. long time in between.

bruins in four!

i HATE the canucks.

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#5 icedawg_42
May 25 2011, 12:20PM
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Your brothers-in-agony 3 hours to the south can relate! Just for clarity though, the Rapture DID happen, and we are all now in Hell!

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#6 OilDrop89
May 25 2011, 12:21PM
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Gahhhh Canucks is right, the impending doom of the world is upon us.

On another note, thanks for writing this article in semi good taste so I don't have to eat my words on Flamesnation.

Go Bruins or Team Roli!

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#7 Milli
May 25 2011, 12:23PM
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Can you imagine living in BC, having a store decked out in OILERS gear, and the Nucks keep winning....The only good thing is, it's good for business....Because they keep coming in to rub my face in it! I didn't think it was possible to hate a team this much, but I hate the Nucks, and can't wait to watch ROLI hoist the cup, and say "this one is for the OILERS FANS"

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#8 Oilers4ever
May 25 2011, 12:27PM
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It pains me to see the Nucks winning when all three times easily could have beaten Vancouver.. I still say had the Blackhawks shown up for any of the first three games we would not be having this conversation...

What really pisses me off is that the Canucks got their tying goal because of yet again crap-assed officiating in supposedly the best league in the world.. how do four bushleague officials miss that puck hitting Sedin on the clear by Boyle.. it's not like it was just barely.. the puck clearly changed directions and none of them could see that? A peewee ref could have caught that....

Dinks indeed...

Luongo may be playing well.. Thomas is playing better.. and the Bruins will end their series tonight.. I just hope they don't do something dumb like wait for a week to start the Cup.. seriously.. this playing hockey till June is stupid.. bring it back like the Oilers cups of the 80's where you are watching the team sip by the May long weekend.. not June 8th...

Especially when it's those "so called dinks" playing. :)

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#9 freeze
May 25 2011, 12:32PM
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As long as Salo falls on Luongo's leg in game 1, knocking him out for the series it is all good.

They will lose in 7 games, right?!?!?!1

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#10 Truth
May 25 2011, 12:34PM
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haha. dink.

I hope Lucic and Horton attempted murder Kesler, Lapierre, Burrows, and those Swedish twins.

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#11 Vintage Flame
May 25 2011, 12:40PM
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Yeah, I have to say that I hope Lucic cranks up his mean streak and just levels Kesler in game 1. The Bruins will be by far the most physical team to play the Nucks, that hopefully doesn't bode well for them. They are already battered and now we have to hope that the Bruins just beat them like the Canucks owe them money.

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#12 I Am The Law
May 25 2011, 12:56PM
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I lived in Boston last year. I live in Vancouver right now. I hate both teams with a burning passion that borders on sociopathic. This will not end well at all.

In unrelated news, I am moving to Europe this summer, and have become a soccer fan (it's not funny because it's true).

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#13 Mantastic
May 25 2011, 12:56PM
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that's a pretty cash picture of heatley!! so glad he turned down the trade!

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#14 rubbertrout
May 25 2011, 12:57PM
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Domebeers said it best here.

The goalie? Roberto Luongo is Roman Cechmanek; we aren't supposed to say anything because he is Canadian, but he is.

Domebeers isn't too bad for a Flames fan.

God do I hope they lose.

A more fitting ending might have been Heatley getting struck by a precision strike of lightning while holding up the Cup or rammed into a stanchion by big Z.

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#15 ChaseEmDown
May 25 2011, 01:27PM
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Wanye, did you call any of those numbers on the cards above the betting vouchers?

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#16 Crooked
May 25 2011, 01:43PM
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I live in Vancouver, it's pretty funny seeing all of these people who didn't own a jersey or care about hockey 4 months ago suddenly being the team's biggest fan. Annoying, but funny.

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#17 David S
May 25 2011, 01:55PM
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I can just imagine Jeanshorts going down to the local London Drugs and asking where they keep the razor blades and time now.

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#18 Aron S
May 25 2011, 01:59PM
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@Crooked

To be fair, the same thing happened here in 06 and in Calgary in 04.

The problem is, all of those new Flamers hung on to their jerseys, just as I'm sure all of the Canucks fans will too.

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#19 gongshow
May 25 2011, 02:32PM
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As much as the 'nucks suck, Dany Heatley sucks worse and these playoffs demonstrated how Heats nixing the trade turned out to be one of the best deals that didn't happen, much like the Nylander deal.

Go Roli

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#20 John Chambers
May 25 2011, 02:33PM
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Ugh, they even have all of their core players locked up until eternity. I bet they're pretty smug over there, what with their ocean and their ski mountains. Even when they lose they'll think they have a clever reason why "next year" might actually be the year, and why it doesn't matter because a hackey sack and joint are a great way to pass the time on Kits beach.

Which is what makes their eventual comeuppance so much more delightful. I mean, these aren't the Toronto Maple Leafs whose wet dream is just to make the playoffs. I've felt since the beginning of the season that the Canucks would come close, but Luongo is bound to lay a few eggs just to give Canuck fans a Bill Buckner-like scapegoat to pin their failing on.

You wait and see. I'm calling it! And unlike The Raptor*, I will be right.

* What kind of prediction is the realization of Jurassic Park anyway? Puh-leeease!

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#21 Shaun Doe
May 25 2011, 02:41PM
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Crooked wrote:

I live in Vancouver, it's pretty funny seeing all of these people who didn't own a jersey or care about hockey 4 months ago suddenly being the team's biggest fan. Annoying, but funny.

"Welcome to Vancouver: Home of the Playoff Jersey"

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#22 rubbertrout
May 25 2011, 02:48PM
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Roloson winning > Raffi Torres winning

Roloson's celebration WAAAAAY LESS THAN Raffi's celebration

I think people would die from the rapture that Torres' victory lap might be.

EDIT: Stupid HTML coding won't let me express my mathmatical sentiments

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#23 Stone Hands McOsta
May 25 2011, 03:02PM
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Okay here is a story for you guys if you care to keep reading.....During the regular season with like 25 games left I was on my European sports betting site (betsson.com), I saw one bet for Vancouver to win the Western Conference (figuring it was for the regular season), so I took the bet for 40 euros...after the bet was in, I found out that it was for the Clarence S. Campbell trophy afterwards, sadly I won the money and will be donating all the 130 euros I won to Gregor's MS charity....because I have absolutely no use for any money I win with Vancouver winning the western conference. GO BRUINS GO!!!

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#24 HOFFFF
May 25 2011, 03:05PM
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The Canucks in the cup finals and the Oilers sign Colin Fraser. This means something.... It's like a double rainbow....

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#25 Observer
May 25 2011, 03:28PM
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Shaun Doe wrote:

"Welcome to Vancouver: Home of the Playoff Jersey"

Whereas the "Calgary Playoff Jersey" is rarely seen and even then only for fleetingly short periods of time.

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#26 Brent G.
May 25 2011, 03:30PM
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The worst thing to ever happen is the Boston-TB series going beyond tonight. I appreciate you Oiler fans love Roli but they will not beat the Canucks and will likely lose to them in 5 or fewer games. Add to that both teams would be more tired after playing another 2 games. Boston needs to win because they will destroy them physically.

Kesler will down play it but he is injured and ripe for punishment. They are down two key defenders and Bieksa got leveled last night. They are hurting and Boston will destroy them physically.

I have just become the biggest Boston fan. Really that is because those c*cksuckers out West had the easiest cake walk to the finals I have ever seen. SJS played like total sh*t, Nashville had no business being there, and Chicago didn't try until the final 4 games.

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#27 Brent G.
May 25 2011, 03:32PM
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As a side note, part of me hopes the rapture comes if the Canucks win. They will be wiped out first by a tsunami and we can take those 5 minutes of sollace in watching them go :).

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#28 jeanshorts
May 25 2011, 03:32PM
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The Canucks had a huge celebration yesterday prior to the game in remembrance of their run back in 94.

THEY CELEBRATED LOSING IN THE STANLEY CUP FINALS!!!!!!!!!!! How, hockey gods, does a franchise like that deserve a cup??? HOW????

*The rapture finally hit when I had to listen to non-stop honking and cheering for 4 hours last night at work*

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#29 Scott
May 25 2011, 03:50PM
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I couldn't help but post this gem from Mark Spector:

He begins by quoting Kesler:

"I don't comment on injuries," he said afterwards, with that air of cockiness that so many of the true competitors have.

http://www.sportsnet.ca/hockey/2011/05/25/spector_column_final/

Beautiful writing by this piece of work. How do you even get a job writing this garbage?

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#30 Shaun Doe
May 25 2011, 03:53PM
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HOFFFF wrote:

The Canucks in the cup finals and the Oilers sign Colin Fraser. This means something.... It's like a double rainbow....

Explain what you are meaning by this signing of Colin Fraser. It has me... confused

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#31 OILERSORDEATH
May 25 2011, 03:56PM
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It sickens me to my stomach the though of them winning and contaminating the cup. Please Bruins do what the Ranger's did and send them home crying!

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#32 pelhem grenville
May 25 2011, 04:00PM
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from Serpentor at Spectors' site...

1976 Olympics --> Montreal

1977 Stanley Cup --> Montreal

1988 Olympics --> Calgary

1989 Stanley Cup --> Calgary

2010 Olympics --> Vancouver

2011 Stanley Cup --> ??

O gawd, it can't be, can it be ?

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#33 Ender
May 25 2011, 04:07PM
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Shaun Doe wrote:

Explain what you are meaning by this signing of Colin Fraser. It has me... confused

Me also; can't find any reference, and I'm hoping that's not just me . . .

He's not a free agent anyway; got another year left on his current deal, and I can't see any way we'd extend him at this stage.

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#34 Team Couturier
May 25 2011, 04:11PM
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I am so mad about these Canucks that I am almost sick of hockey as a sport. Any sport where a bunch of whiney panzies like that can win it all is not worth living. ~goes back to looking at the Oilers prospects depth chart~

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#35 Wax Man Riley
May 25 2011, 04:18PM
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Observer wrote:

Whereas the "Calgary Playoff Jersey" is rarely seen and even then only for fleetingly short periods of time.

But... doesn't that make the Oilers playoff jersey extinct?

It was killed off by poachers long ago. LA, New York, Pittsburgh were all culprits. As well as evil scavengers known as Pocklington and more recently, the scouting staff of the early 2000's and KLowe.

It was believed that the Oilers playoff jersey was making a comeback, in the late '90s, and mid 2000's, but those were just false sightings much like those of the Ivory-Billed Woodpecker.

Local flora and fauna still seem to feed off of the remains of any playoff jersey scattered around, and there is HOPE that the Oilers playoff jersey is just hiding underground, away from natural enemies such as Predators, Coyotes, Ducks, and big Stupid Whales that have nothing to do with being Canadian, or Canuck.

We hold out hope, little Oilers playoff jersey. Be strong, come back to us.

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#36 Brent G.
May 25 2011, 04:19PM
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Team Couturier wrote:

I am so mad about these Canucks that I am almost sick of hockey as a sport. Any sport where a bunch of whiney panzies like that can win it all is not worth living. ~goes back to looking at the Oilers prospects depth chart~

If they win the cup, this might actually shake a lot of my interest in the sport altogether too.

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#37 Semi Moronic
May 25 2011, 04:48PM
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I am tired of hearing about Vancouver. ARGH!!!!!

They pulled off the unlikely win with tons of luck behind them (stupid refs AND stanchion)...so perhaps they will implode in the Finals. Sadly, none of them wiped out on the paper bits on the ice..

On a different note, this story is an interesting one! Perhaps future West Coast Rival!??!

http://www.king5.com/sports/Group-interested-in-luring-NHL-to-Seattle-122557174.html

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#38 justDOit
May 25 2011, 04:48PM
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I may have to quit watching hockey if I have to see Torres celebrating with Lord Stanley!

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#39 Chris.
May 25 2011, 05:04PM
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The trick is to reward yourself with something nice...something that you wouldn't normally get, or do...maybe something you've always wanted but can't really afford:

Promise yourself you'll get or do that but only if the Canucks win. I'm thinking I'll get a quad. I'll just shut off the TV and buy a quad. When the nausea hits: I'll ball up my rage, and hit the trails. The only draw back to my plan is that I'll probably die alone on a trail tapped under a couple thousand pounds of flipped steel still cursing Vancouver with my last breath.

Jeanshorts: you should probably just get a very aggressive lap dance in Vegas.

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#40 Mantastic
May 25 2011, 05:09PM
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@Chris.

or jeanshorts should get the No. 5 special at the No.5 orange in vancouver.

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#41 hemskyhumper
May 25 2011, 05:17PM
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pelhem grenville wrote:

from Serpentor at Spectors' site...

1976 Olympics --> Montreal

1977 Stanley Cup --> Montreal

1988 Olympics --> Calgary

1989 Stanley Cup --> Calgary

2010 Olympics --> Vancouver

2011 Stanley Cup --> ??

O gawd, it can't be, can it be ?

No first time president's trophy winner has ever won the cup in the same year. first timers are 0-14.

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#42 Diamond
May 25 2011, 05:25PM
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Roli, if u make it, beat the nucks, we wish u were still here instead oh habbyboozin. Once an oiler always an oiler.

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#43 RRRRKKKKK
May 25 2011, 05:42PM
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One has to respect a article like this that points out the great work of the Canucks yet still thinks they will blow it,and i will respect this writer even more when Henrik raises Lords Stanley Cup and once and for all shuts people like this up .There is only one more thing after this happens that makes me wonder how many of these Canuck haters will still not give credit were credit is due,it will be kinda like now as people taken in by the 2012 scam but are still in denial that they really have no point in what they have said, and i will have a nice pot of crow stew for all of you who have the balls to stand up and admit you were wrong and Canucks rule as the best team in the NHL.

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#44 pelhem grenville
May 25 2011, 05:50PM
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hemskyhumper wrote:

No first time president's trophy winner has ever won the cup in the same year. first timers are 0-14.

whew!

thanks

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#45 Victoria
May 25 2011, 06:06PM
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Keep the negativity coming hockey fans of losing teams. Kesler takes that negative energy, swallows it down and turns it into body checks and goals. Luongo takes it and shoves it in his pads to make them bigger and block more shots. The Sedin twins and Burrows... well they don't understand English very well so they don't even know about your bitterness. They haven't had time to learn it what with all the perfect passes and sweet goal scoring they've been doing. Bieksa... well you're lucky he's so busy captalizing on bad bounces or he might come to your house and eat your babies.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go plan a parade route. GO CANUCKS GO! BELIEVE IN BLUE! KES WE CAN! IN LU WE TRUST! BIEK-CELLENT! WIN DA TURD & DA CUP!

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#46 BURROWSHASCRABS
May 25 2011, 06:08PM
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RRRRKKKKK wrote:

One has to respect a article like this that points out the great work of the Canucks yet still thinks they will blow it,and i will respect this writer even more when Henrik raises Lords Stanley Cup and once and for all shuts people like this up .There is only one more thing after this happens that makes me wonder how many of these Canuck haters will still not give credit were credit is due,it will be kinda like now as people taken in by the 2012 scam but are still in denial that they really have no point in what they have said, and i will have a nice pot of crow stew for all of you who have the balls to stand up and admit you were wrong and Canucks rule as the best team in the NHL.

Dude go back to your Wizards n Warcraft games, until your cheapp ass dirty $hit of a team actually wins something then talk

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#47 Harlie
May 25 2011, 06:11PM
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Wanye, why did you crop out the strategically placed ho cards from the pic?

That's almost as bad as TMZ running that fake pic of the Sperminator riding his sister's bike in Idaho.

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#48 jeanshorts
May 25 2011, 06:11PM
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Mantastic wrote:

or jeanshorts should get the No. 5 special at the No.5 orange in vancouver.

I went to No. 5 one time in 2007 and I still haven't recovered. How many antibiotics is too many antibiotics anyway?

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#49 Dutchscooter
May 25 2011, 06:43PM
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I only hope that by Game 5 Vancouver slips into the Pacific after the shock of Boston winning.....and as it slips into the sea, it'll beat Luongo 5-hole.

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#50 Oilers4ever
May 25 2011, 07:27PM
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Victoria wrote:

Keep the negativity coming hockey fans of losing teams. Kesler takes that negative energy, swallows it down and turns it into body checks and goals. Luongo takes it and shoves it in his pads to make them bigger and block more shots. The Sedin twins and Burrows... well they don't understand English very well so they don't even know about your bitterness. They haven't had time to learn it what with all the perfect passes and sweet goal scoring they've been doing. Bieksa... well you're lucky he's so busy captalizing on bad bounces or he might come to your house and eat your babies.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go plan a parade route. GO CANUCKS GO! BELIEVE IN BLUE! KES WE CAN! IN LU WE TRUST! BIEK-CELLENT! WIN DA TURD & DA CUP!

Meh.. even if they do win... I think you should remember this...

Your team won't ever win 4 in 5 years, 5 in 7 years, be considered a dynasty, etc etc etc...

3 cup appearances in 40 years.. whoopee.. we have 7 in 33...

Should I keep the math going? This was the Canucks what.. 3 conference final in their 40 years as well.. I think we've had three of those in a row, multiple occassions...

Please.. nothing worse than chump Canuck fans who think their team is so damn hot when they have NEVER won anything worth anything of value... shooting off confetti over a West Conf championship.. oh.. because that's such a big accomplishment..

Seriously, when your team actually does something big and wins it.. multiple times.. and has dynasty tattooed on their asses come talk to us.. until then.. they are nothing but a bunch of chucklehead wannabees who would not know when to really win "THE BIG GAME" if it hit them right between the eyes...

Bruins in 5....

PERIOD

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